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Terse Verse and Ruthless Rhymes
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a mish-mash collection of ruthless rhymes terse verse and delightful nonsense
Romeo and Juliet. He had no cash to pay the debt, So Romeo’d while Juliet
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Senõr Dali, Born delirious, Considers it folly To be serious… - Phyllis McGinley.
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M is for Marx And clashing of classes And movement of masses And massing of asses. - Cyril Conolly.
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The Computer Swallowed Grandma The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true. She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your Inbox, My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her And send her back to me!
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Al Capone, in mood benign, Sent a missive Valentine, Those who got his commendation Shot up in his estimation. - Will Bellinger.
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As the poets have mournfully sung, Death takes the innocent young, The rolling-in-money, The screamingly-funny, And those who are very well hung. - W.H. Auden.
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Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental. - Ogden Nash.
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The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other milk. - Ogden Nash.
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Some people shave before bathing, And about people who bathe before shaving they are scathing, Whilst those who bathe before shaving, Well, they imply that those who shave before bathing are misbehaving. - Ogden Nash.
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There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, And that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. - Ogden Nash
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Parsley Is gharsley. - Ogden Nash.
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Some primal termite knocked on wood; and tasted it, and found it good. That is why your Cousin May fell through the parlour floor today. - Ogden Nash.
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I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. - Ogden Nash.
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The Bronx? No, thonx! - Ogden Nash.
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How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick? - Ogden Nash.
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The chief defect of Henry King Was chewing little bits of string. At last he swallowed some which tied Itself in ugly knots inside. Physicians of the Utmost Fame Were called at once; but when they came They answered, as they took their Fees, “There is no Cure for this Disease”. - Hilaire Belloc.
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Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath; They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways. - Ogden Nash.
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All animals are strictly dry: They sinless live, and swiftly die. But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men Survive for threescore years and ten; And some, as anyone can see, Stay pickled till they’re ninety three.
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Mad dogs and Englishmen Go out in the midday sun, The Japanese don’t care to, The Chinese wouldn’t dare to, Hindoos and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one. But Englishmen detest a siesta. - Noël Coward, ‘Mad Dogs and Englishmen’.
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The moustache of Hitler Could hardly be littler Was the thought that kept recurring To Field Marshal Goering. - E.C. Bentley.
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Hitler: I don’t want war! All I want is Peace! Peace! Peace! (Sings) A little piece of Poland, A little piece of France, A little piece of Portugal, And Austria perchance. A little slice of Turkey And all that that entails. And then a piece of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. - W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman, 1066 and All That.
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Do you think Der Führer Could keep on being Der Führer If he saw what everybody else sees Every time he looks in der mührer? - Ogden Nash.
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Oozing charm from every pore, He oiled his way across the floor. - Alan Jay Lerner.
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I wonder why. I wonder why.
I wonder why I wonder.
I wonder WHY I wonder why
I wonder why I wonder!
- Richard P. Feynman.
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I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. - Ogden Nash.
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Dear Mrs A. Hooray Hooray At last you are deflowered. On this as every other day I love you. Noël Coward. - Noël Coward, wedding telegram to Gertrude Lawrence.
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I told her I had always lived alone And I probably always would, And all I wanted was my freedom, And she told me that she understood. But I let her do some of my laundry And she slipped a few meals in between, The next thing I remember she was all moved in And I was buying her a washing machine. - Jackson Browne.
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Between loving couples, The major issues, Are who’ll get up, And fetch the tissues.
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That money talks I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, "Goodbye." - Richard Armour.
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Shake and shake, The ketchup bottle, None will come, And then a lot’ll. - Richard Armour.
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I never saw a Purple Cow, I never hope to see one; But I can tell you anyhow, I’d rather see than be one. - Gelett Burgess.
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Ah, yes! I wrote the ‘Purple Cow’ - I’m Sorry, now, I Wrote it! But I can Tell you, Anyhow, I’ll Kill you if you Quote it! - Gelett Burgess.
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I had a hippopotamus: I kept him in a shed, And fed him upon vitamins and vegetable bread . . . . He frolicked with the Rector in a dozen friendly tussles, Who could not but remark upon his hippopotamuscles. - Patrick Barrington.
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I shoot the hippopotamus With bullets made of platinum, Because if I used leaden ones His hide is sure to flatten ‘em. - Hillaire Belloc.
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“Will you walk a little faster,” said a whiting to a snail, “There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.” - Lewis Carroll
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As I was walking up the stair, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. I wish, I wish he'd go away. - Hugh Mearns.
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Great fleas have little fleas upon their back to bite ‘em, And little fleas have lesser fleas, And so ad infinitum; The great fleas themselves in turn have greater fleas to go on, While these again have greater still, And greater still, and so on.
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The Christian is a man who feels Repentance on a Sunday For what he did on Saturday And is going to do on Monday. - T.R. Ybarra.
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Hush little bright line, Don’t you cry, You’ll be a cliché By and by. - Fred Allen.
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According to experts, the oyster In its shell - or crustacean cloister - May frequently be Either he or a she Or both, if it should be its choice ter. - Berton Bradley.
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What makes common house flies trying is that they keep multiflieing. - Niels Mogens Bodecker.
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To own a yacht, You have gacht, To earn a lacht. - Steve Fitsimmons (ex-Maun)
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I adore A Viennese waltz in ¾ But my love would not survive A change to 0.75 - Fritz Spiegel.
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Knock, knock. Who’s there? Astronaut. Astronaut Who? Astronaut what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.
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King David and King Solomon Led merry, merry lives, With many, many concubines And many, many wives; But when old age crept over them - With many, many qualms, King Solomon wrote the Proverbs And King David wrote the Psalms. - James Ball Naylor.
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‘Twixt the optimist and the pessimist The difference is droll: The optimist sees the doughnut But the pessimist sees the hole. - McLandburgh Wilson.
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As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb,
I find that I care less and less
Who goes to bed with whom.
- Dorothy Parker
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By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. - Dorothy Parker
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Razors pain you, rivers are damp; Acids stain you, and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, nooses give; Gas smells awful; you might as well live. - Dorothy Parker
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A bachelor is a cagey guy And he has loads of fun: He sizes all the cuties up And never Mrs one.
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‘Is there no hope?’ the sick man said, The silent doctor shook his head, And took his leave with signs of sorrow, Despairing of his fee tomorrow. - John Gay.
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Some hate broccoli, some hate bacon I hate having my picture taken. How can your family claim to love you And then demand a picture of you? - Ogden Nash.
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Poets aren’t very useful, Because they aren't consumeful or produceful. - Ogden Nash.
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<>!*”# ^”’$$- !*=@$ %*<>~#4 &[]../ |{,,SYSTEM HALTED
The above poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.
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Carnation milk is the best in the land; Here I sit with a can in my hand - No tits to pull, no hay to pitch, You just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
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As I was sitting in my chair, I knew the bottom wasn't there, Nor legs nor back, but I just sat, Ignoring little things like that. - Hughes Mearns.
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No matter how much I prove and prod, I cannot quite believe in God; But oh, I hope to God that He Unswervingly believes in me. - E.Y. Harburg.
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Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me. - Robert Frost.
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Roses are red, Violets are blue. I’m schizophrenic And so am I. - Billy Conolly.
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The Newtons and friends were
taking tea
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No McTavish Was ever lavish. - Ogden Nash.
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Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. - Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home.
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I like the girls who do, I like the girls who don’t; I hate the girl who says she will And then she says she won’t. But the girl that I like best of all And I think you’ll say I’m right - Is the one who says she never has But looks as though she…. ‘Ere, listen…. - Max Miller.
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Sexual intercourse began In nineteen sixty-three (Which was rather late for me) - Between the end of the Chatterley ban And the Beatles’ first L.P. - Phillip Larkin.
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Would you like to sin
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The mood is beabig brighdly, love; The sdars are shidig too; While I ab gazig dreabidy, Add thigkig, love, of you. You caddot, oh! You caddot kdow, By darlig, how I biss you - (Oh, whadt a fearful cold I’ve got! - Ck-TISH-u! Ck-ckTISH-u!) - Charles Follen Adams.
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The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake. - Ogden Nash.
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Matilda told such Dreadful Lies, It made one Gasp and Stretch one’s eyes; Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth, Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth, Attempted to Believe Matilda: The effort very nearly killed her. - Hilaire Belloc.
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His sins were scarlet, but his books were read. - Hilaire Belloc.
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I make them go up, Who cares where they come down, That’s not my department, Says Wernher von Braun. - Tom Lehrer.
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This we learn from Watergate, That almost any creep’ll Be glad to help the Government Overthrow the people. - E.Y. Harburg.
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I sit in an office at 244 Madison Avenue, And say to myself You have a responsible job, havenue? - Ogden Nash.
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JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.
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MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.
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Going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumbass!"
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HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.
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All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.
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GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
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The common Cormorant or Shag Lays eggs inside a paper bag. The reason you will see no doubt, Is to keep the lightening out. But what these unobservant birds Have never noticed is that herds Of wandering bears may come with buns, And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
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There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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'Knock, knock!' 'Who's there?' 'Dwain.' 'Dwain, who?' 'Dwain the goddamn bathtub, I'm dwowning!'
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Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean. A real sweet pair of neurotics. - Jack Sharkey.
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Father heard the children scream, So he threw them in the stream, Saying as he drowned the third, “Children should be seen, not heard!” - Harry Graham.
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Hush-a-bye babies Hush quite a lot Bad babies get rabies And have to be shot. - W.C. Sellar & R.J. Yeatman.
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The song of canaries Never varies And when they’re moulting They’re revolting. - Ogden Nash.
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My father is a bastard, My ma’s an S.O.B My grandpa’s always plastered, My grandma pushes tea. My sister wears a moustache, My brother wears a dress. Goodness gracious, that’s why I’m a mess. - Stephen Sondheim.
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Little Bo Peep Has lost her sheep And thinks they may be roaming; They haven’t fled; They’ve all dropped dead From nerve gas in Wyoming. - Frank Jacobs.
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Willie fell down the
elevator,
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Willie poisoned Grandma's
tea,
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Billy, in one of his nice new
sashes,
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