The Jacana Library

Humour

Horror Scopes

AQUARIUS: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal, but on the other hand make the same mistakes again and again. Basically, everyone thinks you’re a twit.

PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you’re being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence over good friends. You lack confidence and you’re generally a coward and STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE. Pisces people screw animals.

ARIES: You’re a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You’re quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. A simple asshole.

TAURUS: You are practical and persistent, you have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you’re stubborn and bull-headed. You are basically nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI: You are quick, intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. That means you’re nothing but a cheap S.O.B. and thrive on incest.

CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you’re a sucker. You are always putting things off; that’s why you’ll always be on welfare and worth nothing.

LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you’re a pushover. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and fall asleep while doing IT. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: You are the artistic airhead type and have a difficult time with reality. All Librans are gay and die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are disposed of violently.

SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of you are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a lot since you always appear to be zonked.

CAPRICORN: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You’re basically a chicken drop-out. Capricorns should avoid standing sill for long periods as they tend to draw pigeons. You should get rid of yourself.

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