The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations W

 

 

WALES

 

Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.

- Mark Twain.

 

When all else fails

Try Wales

- Christopher Logue.

 

There are still parts of Wales where the only concession to gaiety is a striped shroud.

- Gwyn Thomas.

 

FREE WALES - from the Welsh.

 

FREE WALES - with every 5 gallons.

 

A Welshman is a man who prays on his knees on Sundays and on his neighbours all the rest of the week.

 

WALKING

 

If you are seeking creative ideas, go out walking. Angels whisper to a man when he goes for a walk.

- Raymond Inmon.

 

A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.

- Paul Dudley White.

 

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

- Steven Wright.

 

I have two doctors, my left leg and my right.

- G.M. Trevelyan.

 

My father considered a walk among the mountains as the equivalent of churchgoing.

- Aldous Huxley.

 

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see.

- John Burroughs.

 

The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.

- Jacqueline Schiff.

 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeneres.

 

A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.

 

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

 

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

 

WAR

 

War is, at first, the hope that one will be better off; next, the expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction that he isn’t any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone’s being worse off.

- Karl Kraus.

 

Those who hammer their guns into ploughs will plough for those who do not.

- Thomas Jefferson.

 

War is like love; it always finds a way.

- Bertolt Brecht.

 

It’s Tommy this an’ Tommy that, an’ ‘Chuck ‘im out, the brute!’

But it’s ‘Saviour of ‘is country’ when the guns begin to shoot.

- Rudyard Kipling.

 

As long as war is looked upon as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace.

- George Washington.

 

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

- Gary Wills.

 

Man’s highest joy is in victory: to conquer one’s enemies; to pursue them; to deprive them of their possessions; to make their beloved weep; to ride on their horses; and to embrace their wives and daughters.

- Genghis Khan (1167-1227).

 

Maybe I couldn't be dafter,

But I keep wondering if this time we settle our differences before a war instead of after.

- Ogden Nash.

 

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New Jersey.

- Woody Allen.

 

If you don't want to use the army, I should like to borrow it for a while.

-Abraham Lincoln, to the hesitant General George B. McClellan.

 

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

- Artemus Ward.

 

War is not nice.

- Barbara Bush.

 

Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

- The Princess Bride.

 

The idea of all-out nuclear war is unsettling.

- Walter Goodman.

 

If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name.

- Moshe Dayan, Israeli General.

 

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other poor sons-of-bitches die for theirs.

-George Patton.

 

Covenants without swords are but words.

- Thomas Hobbes.

 

The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.

- Albert Einstein.

 

A great war leaves the country with three armies - an army of cripples, an army of mourners, and an army of thieves.

- German Proverb.

 

The world has achieved brilliance without wisdom, power without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war that we know about peace, more about killing that we know about living.

- Omar Bradley.

 

Everyone's a pacifist between wars. It's like being a vegetarian between meals.

- Colman McCarthy.

 

The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.

 

I like a man who grins when he fights.

- Winston Churchill

 

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

- Ernest Hemingway.

 

In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.

- Josť Narosky.

 

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

- Elayne Boosler.

 

If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.

- Pentagon official explaining why the U.S. military censored graphic footage from the Gulf War

 

War would end if the dead could return.

- Stanley Baldwin.

 

The tragedy of war is that it uses man's best to do man's worst.

- Henry Fosdick.

 

We have war when at least one of the parties to a conflict wants something more than it wants peace.

- Jeane J. Kirkpatrick.

 

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

- Albert Einstein, Atomic War or Peace, Atlantic Monthly, November 1945.

 

War is fear cloaked in courage.

- William C. Westmoreland.

 

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

- Dwight D. Eisenhower.

 

Anyone who has ever looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield will think hard before starting a war.

- Otto Von Bismark.

 

The draft is white people sending black people to fight yellow people to protect the country they stole from red people.

- Gerome Gragni and James Rado, 1967.

 

The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men.
His case comes up next week.

- Spike Milligan.

 

War hath no fury like a noncombatant.

- Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment.

 

If you wish to be brothers, drop your weapons.

- Pope John Paul II.

 

A day of battle is a day of harvest for the devil.

- William Hooke.

 

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.

- George Patton.

 

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

- Harold Macmillan.

 

I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable establishment.

- Alan Bennett.

 

History is littered with wars which everybody knew would never happen.

- Enoch Powell.

 

A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child... But personally, I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a wad of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn!

- Lord Edmund Blackadder.

 

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.

- A. Whitney Brown.

 

How is the world ruled and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists and then believe what they read.

- Karl Kraus.

 

A ship is always referred to as ‘she’ because it costs so much to keep one in paint and powder.

- Chester Nimitz, American admiral.

 

All wars are popular for the first thirty days.

- Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.

 

Wars make for better reading than peace does.

- A.J.P. Taylor.

 

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

 

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

- General Macarthur

 

I’m sick of war for many reasons,

Three of them will do:

It’s 1815,

I am French

And this is Waterloo.

- Mel Brooks.

 

I make them go up,

Who cares where they come down,

That’s not my department,

Says Wernher von Braun.

- Tom Lehrer.

 

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

- Billy Connolly.

 

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman.

 

President Bush promises we will only be on Mars for a couple of months, until they are capable of self-rule and democracy.

- David Letterman.

 

If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.

- USAF Ammo Troop.

 

Yea Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death....I Shall Fear No Evil. For I Am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.

- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base, Kadena, Japan.

 

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

- From an old carrier sailor.

 

Any ship can be a minesweeper......once.

 

Those who beat their swords into ploughshares will plough for those who don't.

 

How is it possible to have a civil war?

 

Draft beer; not people.

 

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

 

Join the marines - intervene in the country of your choice.

 

Join the Army!  Travel to exotic, distant lands.  Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

 

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

 

Ahhhhhh…..I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

 

I'd rather go whoring than warring.

 

Draft beer, not people.

 

Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?

 

Remember, in nuclear war, all men are cremated equal.Men Taglines, Humor, Men, Taglines, Male, Masculine, Manly, Tag Lines, One Liners, Real men, Funny (pixel.gif - 0.04 K)

 

‘Disarm Today’. - dat arm tomorrow.

 

Light up an embassy. - join the SAS.

 

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s hand grenades I throw…

 

WASHINGTON

 

Washington is the only place where sound travels faster than light.

- C.V.R. Thompson.

 

Washington - Hubbub of the Universe.

 

WATER

 

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.

- Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732.

 

Most of us, I suppose, are a little nervous of the sea. No matter what its smiles may be, we doubt its friendship.

- H.M. Tomlinson.

 

I hate water - fish fuck in it.

- W.C. Fields.

 

He that wishes to learn to pray, let him go to sea.

- George Herbert.

 

WATERGATE

 

Dick Nixon before he dicks you.

- Car sticker, Washington.

 

I’m a fan of President Nixon. I worship the quicksand he walks on.

- Art Buchwald.

 

This we learn from Watergate,

That almost any creep’ll

Be glad to help the Government

Overthrow the people.

- E.Y. Harburg.

 

WEATHER

 

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

- Dave Barry.

 

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.

- Patrick Young.

 

The weather forecast for tonight: dark.

- George Carlin.

 

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

- Kin Hubbard.

 

The best kind of rain, of course, is a cozy rain. This is the kind the anonymous medieval poet makes me remember, the rain that falls on a day when you'd just as soon stay in bed a little longer, write letters or read a good book by the fire, take early tea with hot scones and jam and look out the streaked window with complacency.

- Susan Allen Toth, England For All Seasons.

 

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book.

 

And here is the weather forecast. Today will be muggy. Tomorrow will be Toogy, followed by Weggy, Thurgy, Frigy, Saddy and Suddy.

 

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

 

It was so cold, the wolves were eating the sheep just for the wool.

 

A: It’s raining cats and dogs.

B: I know - I just stepped into a poodle.

 

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.

 

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

 

What does marriage and a hurricane have in common? They both start off hot and steamy, with a great deal of heavy breathing, and once they’re over your house and car are gone.

 

Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with
your  house and car.

 

What's the similarity between a hurricane and an Alabama divorce?  Somebody's gonna' lose a
trailer.

 

What is the Mexican weather report?

Chili today and hot tamale.

 

There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

 

Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.

 

Q:  What did the one tornado say to the other?

A:  Let’s twist again like we did last summer.

 

Q:  What happens when fog lifts in California?

A:  UCLA!

 

Q: How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?

A: He's got bugs on his teeth.

 

Q: What's worse than raining buckets?

A: Hailing taxis!

 

WEEDS

 

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

- Doug Larson.

 

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

- Dave Barry.

 

But make no mistake: the weeds will win; nature bats last.

- Robert M. Pyle.

 

Many gardeners will agree that hand-weeding is not the terrible drudgery that it is often made out to be. Some people find in it a kind of soothing monotony. It leaves their minds free to develop the plot for their next novel or to perfect the brilliant repartee with which they should have encountered a relative's latest example of unreasonableness.

- Christopher Lloyd, The Well-Tempered Garden.

 

Sign next to the road:

Free Weeds!

U Pick 'Em.

 

One person's weed is another person's wildflower.

 

WOODROW WILSON

President of the United States, 1913-1921

 

Mr Wilson’s mind, as has been the custom, will be closed all day Sunday.

- George S. Kaufman

 

WOMEN

 

The way to fight women is with your hat. Grab it and run.

- John Barrymore.

 

Women would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

- Dave Barry.

 

When a woman says, 'I don't wish to mention any names', it means it ain't necessary to mention any names.

- Kin Hubbard.

 

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

- Mae West.

 

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

- Marcel Achard.

 

Inside every older lady is a younger lady wondering what the hell happened.
≠- Cora Harvey Armstrong.

 

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

- Janette Barber.

 

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

- Carrie Snow.

 

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

- Margaret Thatcher.

 

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
- Tim Allen.

 

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

- Laurence J. Peter.

 

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

- Arnold Haultain.

 

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

- Charlotte Whitton.

 

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.

- Ellery Queen.

 

When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.

 

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man.

- Erica Jong.

 

I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

- Rebecca West.

 

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

- Sean Williamson.

 

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

- Seymour Hicks.

 

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

- Nicole Hollander.

 

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

- Caryn Leschen.

 

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

- Steve Martin.

 

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.

- Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly.

 

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

- Chauncey Mitchell Depew.

 

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Men get laid, but women get screwed.

- Quentin Crisp.

 

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.

- George Meredith.

 

Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly.

- Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton).

 

Men have been trained and conditioned by women, not unlike the way Pavlov conditioned his dogs, into becoming their slaves. As compensation for their labours men are given periodic use of a woman's vagina.

- Esther Vilar.

 

I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.

- Ogden Nash.

 

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

- Aristotle Onassis.

 

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

- Art Buchwald, 1974.

 

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

- Woody Allen, Getting Even.

 

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

- Homer Simpson.

 

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

- Mae West.

 

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

- Napolean Bonaparte.

 

Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property.

- Napolean Bonaparte.

 

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

- Mark Twain.

 

Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

- Sigmund Freud.

 

I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.

- Bella Abzug.

 

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

- Helen Rowland.

 

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.

- Stanley Baldwin.

 

Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.

- Bette Davis, about Jayne Mansfield.

 

I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.

- Benny Hill.

 

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.

- Elbert Hubbard.

 

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

- Dave Barry, Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn.

 

What men desire is a virgin who is a whore.

- Edward Dahlbert.

 

Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook.

 

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress.

- Steve Martin.

 

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

- Peter Kay.

 

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

- James Thurber.

 

I hate women because they always know where things are.

- Voltaire.

 

The charms of a passing woman are usually in direct relation to the speed of her passing.

- Marcel Proust.

 

Girls who wear zippers shouldn’t live alone.

- J. Van Druten.

 

Women’s styles may change, but their designs remain the same.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Men and women, women and men. It will never work.

- Erica Jong.

 

When a woman is speaking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.

- Victor Hugo.

 

A girl never pursues a man; but then, a mousetrap never pursues a mouse.

- Ronnie Barker.

 

Brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

- Samuel Butler.

 

She’s the sort of woman who lives for others - and you can always tell the others by their hunted expression.

- C.S. Lewis.

 

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor.

 

On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Friendship among women is only a suspension of hostilities.

- Antoine De Rivarol.

 

Why is the word tongue feminine in Greek, Latin, Italian, Spanish, French and German?

- Austin O'Malley.

 

The allurement that women hold out to men is precisely the allurement that Cape Hatteras holds out to sailors: they are enormously dangerous and hence enormously fascinating.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

When I glimpse the backs of women's knees I seem to hear the first movement of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony.

 

Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected.

 

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

 

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

 

God created orgasms so that women could moan even when they are happy.

 

With guns, trucks and beer who needs women?

 

Q: What do you say to a girl with no tits?
A:

 

I am not “A” bitch. I am “THE” bitch.

 

Women should be obscene and not heard.

 

Support Women's Lib - make him sleep in the wet patch.

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

She hit me.

 

How do girls get minks? - the same way minks get minks.

 

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

 

Hey guys….just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
65 lbs.

 

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

 

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

 

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

 

The more I learn about women, the more I love my Harley.

 

The difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

The difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.

 

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

 

Adams rib

and Satan’s fib

ended up in women’s lib.

 

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

 

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

 

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?

- To keep her ankles warm.

 

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?

- Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.

 

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?

- Her ankles.

 

What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?

- Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

 

What are a woman's four favourite animals?

- A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

 

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

- They don't have time.

 

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

- A widow.

 

A man chases a woman until she catches him.

- American Proverb.

 

An advantage to being a woman: We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

 

No fashion faux pas we make could rival the Speedo.

 

At least we don't fart to amuse ourselves.

 

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.

 

Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention.

- Cornelia Otis Skinner.

 

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.

 

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

 

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

-  Shoot him again.

 

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

-  When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

 

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?

- His body.

 

How does a man keep his youth?

- By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

 

He: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She: That’s a good idea…you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

 

Women claim that they never pursue a man. Well, by the same token, a mousetrap never pursues a mouse, but the end result is the same.

 

Training Courses for Women:

- Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

- The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

- Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

- Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

- Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

- Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.

- Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

- Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

- Introduction to Parking.

- Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

- Water Retention: Fact or Fat?

- Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

- Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.

- Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

- Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

- PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.

- Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

- Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

- Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

- Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

- Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

- TV Remotes: For Men Only.

 

How to satisfy a woman every time:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, mollycoddle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again and again and again and…...

 

How to satisfy a man every time:

Show up naked with a six-pack.

 

Things only women understand:
   - Cat’s/dog’s facial expressions.
   - The need for the same style of shoes in seven  different colours.
   - Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
   - Fat clothes.
   - Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
   - The difference between beige, off-white, cream and eggshell.
   - Cutting your curls to make them grow.
   - Eyelash curlers.
   - The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

 

WORDS & GRAMMAR

 

It's a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

- Andrew Jackson.

 

This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put.

- Winston Churchill, rejecting the rule against ending a sentence with a preposition.

 

Language is fascinating. The real names for things can be so awful in English. Like 'penis' and 'scrotum'. Yecch. No wonder they had to invent different words for them, like willies, bums, and tits.

- Billy Conolly.

 

Lack of proper response by officials on 9-11 may have cost unnecessary lives.

- Matt Lauer.

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke.

 

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. "I Do" is the longest.

 

The Eskimo language has 80 different words for "snow" - probably all cuss words.

 

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I’m at a loss for words.

 

Eschew Obfuscation.

 

In the beginning there was the Word. And the word was Aardvark

 

AAAAA: African Association Against Acronym Abuse.

 

WORK & UNEMPLOYMENT

 

Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Boss: (to Departmental Head): How many people work in your office?

Dept. Head: About half of them, sir.

- Gyles Brandreth.

 

Dobkins, I just don’t know what we’re going to do without you. But we’re going to try.

- David Frost.

 

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, The Peter Principle.

 

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

- Indira Gandhi.

 

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

- C. Northcote Parkinson, Parkinson’s Law, 1957.

 

One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

Shun idleness. It is a rust that attaches itself to the most brilliant of metals.

- Voltaire.

 

Never confuse motion with action.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

I don't know that there are any shortcuts to doing a good job.

- Sandra Day O'Connor

 

The secret of joy in work is contained in one word: excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it.

- Pearl Buck

 

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

- Ogden Nash.

 

I sit in an office at 244 Madison Avenue,

And say to myself You have a responsible job, havenue?

- Ogden Nash.

 

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

-Eric Morcambe.

 

We can't stand about here doing nothing. People will think we're workmen.

- Spike Milligan.

 

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
- Thomas Jefferson.

 

The number one sign you have nothing to do at work: The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.

- Fred Barling, Humorscope.

 

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

- James Matthew Barrie.

 

The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.

- Arnold Toynbee.

 

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

- Confucius.

 

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

- Charles Lamb.

 

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

- C. Northcote Parkinson, 1958 [Parkinson’s Law]

 

It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.

- Kin Hubbard.

 

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

- Homer Simpson.

 

He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm.

- Don O'Shaughnessy.

 

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

 

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

 

You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 

Work - buy - consume - die.

 

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

 

He was fired with enthusiasm because he wasn’t fired with enthusiasm.

 

Following the rules will not get the job done.

 

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

 

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

 

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

 

I'm not unemployed... I'm a consultant.

 

THE WORLD

 

We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it.

- Tennessee Williams.

 

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

- Aldous Huxley.

 

Earth - the lunatic asylum of the solar system.

- Samuel Parker Cadman.

 

And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle.

- Stan Dunn.

 

All the world's a stage cage.

- Jeanne Phillips.

 

I'd love to change the world, but I can't find a big enough diaper.

- John Alejandro King.

 

The world is a lunatic asylum run by its inmates.

- Lambert Jeffries.

 

Some say the world will end in fire;

Some say in ice.

From what I have tasted of desire,

I hold with those who favour fire.

 

We are all on a spaceship and that spaceship is Earth. Four billion passengers - and no skippers.

 

It's an optical illusion about the world growing smaller. It’s merely that the new artillery has a longer range.

 

WORRYING

 

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.

- E. Joseph Cossman.

 

I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance.  Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number.

- Edith Armstrong.

 

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

- Glenn Turner.

 

We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic.

- Cullen Hightower.

 

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

- Swedish Proverb.

 

Oh the nerves, the nerves; the mysteries of this machine called man! Oh the little that unhinges it, poor creatures that we are!

- Charles Dickens.

 

Love looks forward, hate looks back, anxiety has eyes all over its head.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

We are, perhaps, uniquely among the earth's creatures, the worrying animal.  We worry away our lives. 

- Lewis Thomas, The Medusa and the Snail.

 

Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.

- Theodore N. Vail.

 

Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff.  Rule number two is, it's all small stuff.

- Robert Eliot.

 

No human thing is of serious importance.

- Plato, The Republic.

 

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.

 

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

 

Worry is like a rocking chair, gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

 

WRITING

 

That’s not writing - that’s typing.

- Truman Capote.

 

Writing a book is an adventure: it begins as an amusement, then it becomes a mistress, then a master, and finally a tyrant.

- Winston Churchill.

 

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in shock-proof shit-detector.

- Ernest Hemingway.

 

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.

- George Fowler.

 

There’s nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.

- Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith.

 

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation for the editor.

- Ring Lardner.

 

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

- English professor, Ohio University.

 

I try to leave out the parts that people skip.

- Elmore Leonard.

 

Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.

- Anton Chekhov.

 

Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.

- Nathaniel Hawthorne.

 

Be obscure clearly.

- E.B. White.

 

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

- Baltasar GraciŠn.

 

Sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to write a shorter one.

- Mark Twain.

 

When you are describing,

A shape, or sound, or tint;

Don't state the matter plainly,

But put it in a hint;

And learn to look at all things,

With a sort of mental squint.

- Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll).

 

Writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

- Sholem Asch.

 

The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes.

- Agatha Christie.

 

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.

- Don Marquis.

 

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff.

- Adlai Stevenson, You Said a Mouthful.

 

Most editors are failed writers - but so are most writers.

- T.S. Eliot.

 

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shockproof shit detector. This is the writer's radar and all great writers have had it.

- Ernest Hemingway, interview in Paris Review, Spring 1958.

 

Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself.

- Franz Kafka.

 

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011