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VANITY
& EGOTISM
There but for the grace
of God, goes God.
- Winston Churchill, on
Stafford Cripps.
I
think a lot of Bernstein - but not as much as he does.
-
Oscar Levant, of Leonard Bernstein.
What
the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few
of us left.
-
Oscar Levant.
I have
little patience with anyone who is not self-satisfied. I am
always pleased to see my friends, happy to be with my wife and
family, but the high spot of every day is when I first catch a
glimpse of myself in the shaving mirror.
-
Robert Morley.
"I was
saying," continued the Rocket, "I was saying - What was I
saying?"
"You were talking about yourself," replied the Roman Candle.
"Of course; I knew I was discussing some interesting subject
when I was so rudely interrupted."
-
Oscar Wilde, The Remarkable Rocket.
Pride
that dines on vanity, sups on contempt.
-
Benjamin Franklin.
We
speak little if not egged on by vanity.
-
François de la Rochefoucauld.
What
makes the vanity of others insupportable is that it wounds our
own.
-
François de la Rochefoucauld.
Never
underestimate a man who overestimates himself.
-
Franklin D. Roosevelt, on General Douglas MacArthur.
There
is no human problem which could not be solved if people would
simply do as I advise.
- Gore
Vidal.
To
love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
-
Oscar Wilde.
Some
of the greatest love affairs I’ve known involved one actor,
unassisted.
-
Wilson Mizner.
If we
were not all so excessively interested in ourselves, life would
be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
-
Arthur Schopenhauer.
There
are two kinds of egotists: Those that admit it and the rest of
us.
-
Laurence J. Peter.
Egotism is nature’s compensation for mediocrity.
- L.A.
Safian.
Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pains of stupidity.
-
Frank Leahy.
At the feast of ego
everybody goes hungry.
Conceit is God’s gift to
little men.
Beauty's sister is vanity, and its daughter lust.
Awww, did I step on your
poor wittie bitty ego?
VEGETARIANISM
A
vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have
children.
-
David Brenner.
If
slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.
- Paul
McCartney.
The beef industry has
contributed to more American deaths than all the wars of this
century, all natural disasters, and all automobile accidents
combined. If beef is your idea of "real food for real people"
you'd better live real close to a real good hospital.
- Neal Barnard, M.D.
Dear Lord, I've been
asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey
before us....a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent
bird... a social being....capable of actual
affection....nuzzling its young with almost human-like
compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please
give our respects to its family.
- Berke Breathed,
Bloom County Babylon.
Man is
the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-
Samuel Butler, Note-Books.
Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it's apt to give a
person wind and self-righteousness.
-
Robert Hutchinson.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
- Andy
Rooney.
We all
love animals. Why do we call some "pets" and others "dinner?"
- K.D.
Lang.
I
won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat
a network executive or a politician.
-
Marty Feldman.
If we
aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
VICE & SIN
He who
hates vices hates mankind.
-
Thrasea.
There
is more than a morsel of truth in the saying, "He who hates vice
hates mankind."
- W.
MacNeile Dixon.
My
experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned
few virtues.
-
Abraham Lincoln.
The
only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and
grin.
-
Ogden Nash.
Sin is
geographical.
-
Bertrand Russell.
Vice
is it’s own reward.
-
Quentin Crisp.
My
only aversion to vice,
Is the
price.
-
Victor Buono.
The
only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
-
Oscar Wilde.
It has
ever been my experience that folks who have no vices, have very
few virtues.
-
Abraham Lincoln.
Loud
indignation against vice often stands for virtue in the eyes of
bigots.
- J.
Petit-Senn.
There
are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much
more.
-
Woody Allen.
The
Anglo-Saxon conscience doesn't keep you from doing what you
shouldn't; it just keeps you from enjoying it.
-
Salvador de Madariaga.
No one
gossips about other people's secret virtues.
-
Bertrand Arthur William Russell, On Education.
The
vices of the rich and great are mistaken for error; and those of
the poor and lowly, for crimes.
- Lady
Marguerite Blessington.
He
hasn't a single redeeming vice.
-
Oscar Wilde.
Don’t
steal; thou’lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
-
Ambrose Bierce.
The
sinning is the best part of repentance.
- Arab
Proverb.
To
have an ancestor who was hanged for sheep-stealing perhaps gives
me a certain social standing.
-
Robert Morley.
When
choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve
never tried before.
- Mae
West.
VIETNAM WAR
We are
the unwilling, led by the unqualified, doing the unnecessary for
the ungrateful.
-
Graffito, American air base, Vietnam.
We met
the enemy and he was us.
-
General William C. Westmoreland.
Victory in Vietnam will not determine who is right, only who is
left.
Napalm
is a figment of the collective imagination of the commie pinko
hippie yippie leftist queers.
End
the Vietnam War and bring our kids home. From Canada.
VIOLENCE
I must
apologise for the lack of bloodshed in tonight’s program. We
shall try to do better next time.
-
Alfred Hitchcock.
Thus
the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless
you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimetre
bullet.
- Dave
Barry.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You
cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although
sometimes you have to hunt around.
- Dave
Barry.
I will
not carry a gun.... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch,
I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward,
Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll
even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
-
Hawkeye, M*A*S*H, Officer of the Day.
The
state calls its own violence law, but that of the individual
crime.
- Max
Stirner.
If you
suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit
off with an axe it will be PG.
- Jack
Nicholson.
The
man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
-
Chinese Proverb.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
VIRTUE & SINCERITY
A little sincerity is a
dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
- Oscar Wilde.
It is
dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
-
Cornelia Otis Skinner.
Nobody
talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best
man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or
farm.
- C.
Wright Mills.
Always
be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
-
Michael Flanders.
Sincere diplomacy is no more possible than dry water or wooden
iron.
-
Joseph Stalin.
The
measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew
he would never be found out.
Virtue
is its own punishment.
-
Aneurin Bevan.
We are
double-edged blades, and every time we whet our virtue the
return stroke strops our vice.
-
Henry David Thoreau.
Virtue
is insufficient temptation.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Virtue
is its own revenge.
- E.Y.
Harburn.
What
most persons consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a
loss of energy.
-
Voltaire.
The
excess of virtue is a vice.
-
Greek Proverb.
Water
which is too pure has no fish.
-
Ts'ai Ken T'an.
On the
whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not
quite all the time.
-
George Orwell.
We
would frequently be ashamed of our good deeds if people saw all
of the motives that produced them.
- La
Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1665.
First
secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
-
Greek proverb.
If you
do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
Virtuous action will never go unpunished.
Some
folks wear their halos much too tight.
VISION
If I
have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on
the shoulders of giants.
-
Isaac Newton.
Vision
without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a
nightmare.
-
Japanese Proverb.
People
who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So
what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
-
Billy Connolly.
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