The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations T

 

 

TALKING & CONVERSATION

 

To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.

- Will Durant.

 

If other people are going to talk, conversation becomes impossible.

- James McNeill Whistler.

 

A prating barber asked Archelaus how he would be trimmed. He answered, “In silence.”

- Plutarch.

 

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

- Henry Kissinger.

 

Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.

- Barry Goldwater.

 

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

- Winston Churchill.

 

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

- Dorothy Neville.

 

He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation perfectly delightful.

- Sydney Smith (of Thomas Macaulay).

 

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

- Fran Lebowitz.

 

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

‘….you wouldn’t find me grousing if I were a male newt.’

‘But if you were a male newt, Madeline Bisset wouldn’t look at you. Not with the eye of love, I mean.’

‘She would, if she were a female newt.’

‘But she isn’t a female newt.’

‘No, but suppose she was.’

‘Well, if she was, you wouldn’t be in love with her.’

‘Yes, I would, if I were a male newt.’

A slight throbbing about the temples told me that this discussion had reached saturation point.

- P.G. Wodehouse, Carry on, Jeeves.

 

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
 
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
 
The rule which forbids ending a sentence with a preposition is the kind of nonsense up with
which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill.

 

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

- Vermont proverb.

 

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

TATTOOS

 

Show me a man with a tattoo and I'll show you a man with an interesting past.

- Jack London.

 

The world is divided into two kinds of people:  those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.

 

TAXATION

 

Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ("'Yes, yes, YES!' moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body dripping with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture").

- Dave Barry.

 

Question: "I understand that Congress is considering a so-called 'flat' tax system. How would this work?"

Answer: "If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool."

- Dave Barry.

 

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

- Dave Barry.

 

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

- Dave Barry.

 

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
- David Frost.

 

America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.

- Laurence J. Peter.

 

The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose.

- William Simon.

 

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.

- Robert Heinlein.

 

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes.

 

What at first was plunder assumed the softer name of revenue.

- Thomas Paine.

 

Our tax code is so long it makes War and Peace seem breezy.

- Steven LaTourette.

 

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

- F.J. Raymond.

 

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.

- Dan Bennett.

 

Pothinus:  "Is it possible that Caesar, the conqueror of the world, has time to occupy himself with such a trifle as our taxes?"

Caesar:  "My friend, taxes are the chief business of a conqueror of the world."

- George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra.

 

The more you earn, the less you keep,

And now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to take,

If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake.

- Ogden Nash.

 

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

- Emo Philips.

 

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handles.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Taxman: The position is that if I don’t have one thousand pounds from you soon, you’re going to jail.

Businessman: Now you’re talking. Here’s one thousand pounds in used notes.

Taxman: Let me give you a receipt.

Businessman: What, a thousand nicker in cash and you’re going to put it through the books?

- Guardian.

 

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

- Peg Bracken.

 

Taxes, after all, are the dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organised society.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt.

 

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

- Albert Einstein.

 

The rich aren’t like us, they pay less taxes.

- Peter de Fries.

 

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.

- Herman Wouk.

 

The only thing worse than not paying income tax is not having to pay income tax.

 

I tried paying my taxes with a smile. They wanted money.

 

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and IRS" together it spells "THEIRS?"

 

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes:  men and women.

 

What’s the difference between cheating on your taxes and cheating on your wife? If you cheat the government they still want to fuck you.

 

Isn’t calling the IRS a “service” a bit like calling a thief a “supplier?”

 

TEA

 

Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.

- Henry Fielding, Love in Several Masques.

 

I always fear that creation will expire before teatime.

- Sydney Smith.

 

Drinking a daily cup of tea will surely starve the apothecary.

- Chinese Proverb.

 

We had a kettle; we let it leak:

Our not repairing made it worse.

We haven't had any tea for a week...

The bottom is out of the Universe.

- Rudyard Kipling.

 

The mere chink of cups and saucers tunes the mind to happy repose.

- George Gissing, The Private Papers of Henry Ryecroft.

 

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

- Billy Connolly.

 

Bread and water can so easily be toast and tea.

 

Remember the tea kettle - it is always up to its neck in hot water, yet it still sings!

 

TECHNOLOGY

 

Technology has brought meaning to the lives of many technicians.

- Ed Bluestone.

 

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

- Albert Einstein

 

Modern technology

Owes ecology

An apology.

- Alan M Eddison

 

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.

- Aldous Huxley.

 

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?

- Al Boliska.

 

The drive toward complex technical achievement offers a clue to why the U.S. is good at space gadgetry and bad at slum problems.

- John Kenneth Galbraith.

 

Oh no. We're in the hands of engineers!

- Malcolm Ian in Jurassic Park.

 

Scientists are saying that in the future we will be able to have sex with robots. I tried that once. It was horrible. Right in the middle I had to call tech support.

- David Letterman.

 

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

- Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations.

 

I think I should not go far wrong if I asserted that the amount of genuine leisure available in a society is generally in inverse proportion to the amount of labour-saving machinery it employs.

- E.F. Schumacher.

 

It is questionable if all the mechanical inventions yet made have lightened the day's toil of any human being.

- John Stuart Mill.

 

You cannot endow even the best machine with initiative; the jolliest steam-roller will not plant flowers.

- Walter Lippmann.

 

We've arranged a civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology. We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.

- Carl Sagan.

 

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.

- Alice Kahn.

 

I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!

 

TEENAGERS

 

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot.

- Larry Lujack.

 

The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.

- Quentin Crisp.

 

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

- Al Bernstein.

 

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

- Doug Larson.

 

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.

- Dan Bennett.

 

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.

- Mark Twain, Old Times on the Mississippi.

 

Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.

- Arnold H. Glasow.

 

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory:  an empty gin bottle.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

The troubles of adolescence eventually all go away - it's just like a really long, bad cold.

- Dawn Ruelas.

 

My adolescence progressed normally:  enough misery to keep the death wish my usual state, an occasional high to keep me from actually taking the gas-pipe.

- Faye Moskowitz.

 

Little children, headache; big children, heartache.

- Italian Proverb.

 

Parents of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

 

TELEPHONES

 

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875. In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

- Bill DeWitt.

 

A woman is a person who reaches for a chair when she answers the telephone.

- Milton Wright.

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

 

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.

 

Answering Machine Messages:

 

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these little magnets.

 

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

 

'Ello. My name ees Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

 

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so, at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

 

I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.

 

...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key (###)...

 

Now I lay me down to sleep;

Leave a message at the beep.

If I die before I wake,

Remember to erase the tape.

 

Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

 

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

 

There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas, no, his valiant effort is in vain.

 

Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

 

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

 

This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

 

If you are a burglar, the we're probably at home cleaning our many weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

 

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when  we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

 

TELEVISION

 

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms.

- Alan Coren.

 

I had my television aerials removed. It’s the moral equivalent of a prostrate operation.

- Malcolm Muggeridge.

 

I hate television, I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.

- Orson Welles.

 

    Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
    Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
    This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control.

- Dave Barry.

 

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

- Dave Barry.

 

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

- Ernie Kovacs.

 

Television is for appearing on – not for looking at.

- NoŽl Coward.

 

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

- Eric Sevareid.

 

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

- Rod Serling.

 

TV personality Speedy Alka-Seltzer came out of the medicine cabinet this week and admitted that he was a Bi-carbonate. Fearful over possible criticism, the beloved Speedy threw himself into a bathtub and effervesced to death.

- ‘Weekend Update’, Saturday Night Live.

 

And those quiz shows! A woman won a vacation and dropped dead from the shock, but the sponsors kept their word. They sent her body to Bermuda for two weeks.

- Milton Berle.

 

Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language - and that's just deciding who gets to hold the remote control.

- Donna Gephart.

 

The publishers and others should quit worrying about losing customers to TV. The guy who can sit through a trio of deodorant commercials to look at Flashgun Casey or swallow a flock of beer and loan-shark spiels in order to watch a couple of fourth-rate club fighters rub noses on the ropes is not losing any time from book reading.

- Raymond Chandler.

 

Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies.  Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.

- Fred Allen.

 

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

- Alfred Hitchcock.

 

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

- Joey Adams.

 

Television should be the last mass communication medium to be naively designed and put into the world without a surgeon-general's warning.

- Alan Kay.

 

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new type program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

- Art Buchwald, Adding Insult to Injury, Have I Ever Lied to You?

 

Seeing a murder on television....can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

- Alfred Hitchcock.

 

The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television.

- Andrew Ross.

 

Why are sex and violence always linked?  I'm afraid they'll blur together in people's minds - sexandviolence - until we can't tell them apart. I expect to hear a newscaster say, "The mob became unruly and the police were forced to resort to sex."

- Dick Cavett.

 

When you're young, you look at television and think: There's a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that's not true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want. That's a far more depressing thought.

- Steve Jobs.

 

In Beverley Hills, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into television shows.

- Woody Allen.

 

There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, seems to offer more entertainment possibilities than the TV set.

- Harriet van Horne.

 

I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness," but that doesn't work.

 

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

 

Television has changed a child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.

 

Theatre is life. Cinema is art. Television is furniture.

 

If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears.

 

TEMPTATION

 

All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot.

- Henry Ward Beecher, Proverbs from Plymouth Pulpit, 1887.

 

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.

- Lane Olinghouse.

 

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray.

 

There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely.

- Franklin P. Jones.

 

It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.

- Mick Jagger.

 

Conscience whispers, but interest screams aloud.

- J. Petit-Senn.

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation....as you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill.

 

The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

- Korman's Law.

 

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

- Robert Orben.

 

Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values - and witnesses.

- Franklin P. Jones.

 

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

- Mark Twain.

 

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it.

- Thomas Jefferson.

 

Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

 

I can resist anything but temptation.

 

MARGARET THATCHER

 

She sounded like the Book of Revelations read out over a railway station public address system by a headmistress of a certain age wearing calico knickers.

- Clive James, of Margaret Thatcher on television.

 

If I were married to her, I’d be sure to have dinner ready when she got home.

- George Schultz, American Secretary of State.

 

Attila the Hen.

- Clement Freud, British liberal politician, on Margaret Thatcher.

 

THEORY & THEORIES

 

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

- Jan van de Snepscheut.

 

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

- Douglas Adams.

 

A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

- Mike Barfield.

 

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

- Yogi Berra.

 

Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.

- Niels Bohr.

 

THINKING

 

Reading without reflecting is like eating without digesting.

- Edmund Burke.

 

No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.

- Terry Josephson.

 

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

- Winnie the Pooh.

 

Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

- John F. Kennedy.

 

Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory.

- G. Behn.

 

Thoughts, like fleas, jump from man to man. But they don't bite everybody.

- Stanislaw Lec, Unkempt Thoughts.

 

I want to be alone with my thought.

- Homer Simpson.

 

The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Tell your friends not to think aloud

Until they swallow.

- Nickelback, Leader of Men, The State.

 

Few minds wear out; more rust out.

- Christian N. Bovee.

 

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

- Lyndon Baines Johnson.

 

Some people do not become thinkers simply because their memories are too good.

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.

 

What luck for rulers, that men do not think.

- Adolph Hitler.

 

Thinking is what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

- William James.

 

I think…therefore I am obviously overqualified.

 

You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

 

TIME

 

The years like great black oxen tread the world

And God, the herdsman, goads them on behind.

- William Butler Yeats, The Countess Cathleen.

 

Time is the wisest counsellor of all.

- Pericles.

 

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

- William Shakespeare, Macbeth.

 

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.

- John Archibald Wheeler.

 

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

- Henry David Thoreau.

 

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

- Louis Hector Berlioz.

 

I try to take one day at a time - but sometimes several days attack me at once.
- Jennifer Unlimited.

 

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

- Dave Barry.

 

What year did Jesus think it was?

- George Carlin.

 

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

- Zall's Second Law.

 

Does killing time damage eternity?

- George Carlin.

 

There is never enough time, unless you're serving it.

- Malcolm Forbes.

 

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

- Tom Stoppard.

 

The trouble with being punctual is that there’s nobody there to appreciate it.

- Franklin P. Jones.

 

So little time, so little to do.

- Oscar Levant.

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

 

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

 

The speed of time is one-second per second.

 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 

Punctuality is the thief of time.

 

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

 

A seminar in time travel will be held two weeks ago.

 

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

 

Now may be an excellent time to become a missing person.

 

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

 

TRADITION

 

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right.

- Kurt Herbert Alder.

 

TRAGEDY & MISFORTUNE

 

The worst is not

So long as we can say

‘This is the worst’.

- King Lear

 

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

- Bertold Brecht.

 

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the second is getting it.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

- Blues song.

 

Manure occureth.

 

When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

 

Calamities are of two kinds: Misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

 

I can't remember ever getting any good news out of an envelope with a window in it.

 

TRAVEL

 

Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.

- Dave Barry.

 

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

- Dave Barry.

 

The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.

- St. Augustine.

 

I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.

- Robert Louis Stevenson.

 

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.

- Charles Kuralt, On the Road With Charles Kuralt.

 

A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

- Lao Tzu.

 

Wandering re-establishes the original harmony which once existed between man and the universe.

- Anatole France.

 

Travellers never think that they are the foreigners.

- Mason Cooley.

 

Most travel is best of all in the anticipation or the remembering; the reality has more to do with losing your luggage.

- Regina Nadelson.

 

Now I know why they tell you to put your head between your knees on crash landings. You think you're going to kiss your ass good-bye.

- Terry Hanson.

 

Whenever we safely land in a plane, we promise God a little something.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

The time to enjoy a European trip is about three weeks after unpacking.

- George Ade, Forty Modern Fables.

 

To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.

- Aldous Huxley.

 

The traveller sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.

- G.K. Chesterton.

 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a large cash advance.

 

TREES

 

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

You can live for years next door to a big pine tree, honoured to have so venerable a neighbour, even when it sheds needles all over your flowers or wakes you, dropping big cones onto your deck at still of night.

- Denise Levertov.

 

I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it, and though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do. They go wandering forth in all directions with every wind, going and coming like ourselves, travelling with us around the sun two million miles a day, and through space heaven knows how fast and far!

- John Muir.

 

God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand tempests and floods. But he cannot save them from fools.

- John Muir.

 

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing "Embraceable You" in spats.

- Woody Allen.

 

I think that I shall never see

A billboard lovely as a tree.

Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,

I'll never see a tree at all.

- Ogden Nash, Song of the Open Road.

 

Trees are poems that earth writes upon the sky,

We fell them down and turn them into paper,

That we may record our emptiness.

- Kahlil Gibran.

 

Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money.

- Cree Indian Proverb.

 

You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet.

- Hal Borland, Sundial of the Seasons.

 

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defence.

- American Proverb.

 

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

 

Save a tree. Eat a woodpecker.

 

Save trees. Eat white ants.

 

HARRY S. TRUMAN

President of the United States, 1945-1953

 

My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.

- Harry S. Truman.

 

To err is Truman.

- Republican Party slogan.

 

TRUST

 

Our distrust is very expensive.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him.

- Booker T. Washington.

 

Every two years the American politics industry fills the airwaves with the most virulent, scurrilous, wall-to-wall character assassination of nearly every political practitioner in the country - and then declares itself puzzled that America has lost trust in its politicians.

- Charles Krauthammer.

 

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

- William Shakespeare.

 

Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly.

- George MacDonald.

 

In God we trust, all others we virus scan.

 

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.

- Aldous Huxley.

 

TRUTH & LIES

 

It is easier for the world to accept a simple lie than a complex truth.

- Alexis de Tocqueville.

 

This above all: to thine own self be true

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet, (Act I, scene iii).

 

Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

The aim of the liar is simply to charm, to delight, to give pleasure. He is the very basis of civilized society.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

- Mark Twain.

 

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

 

Facts are the enemy of truth.

- Don Quixote.

 

When money speaks, the truth keeps silent.
- Old Russian proverb.

 

Truth is never pure, and rarely simple.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.

- Adolph Hitler.

 

There is no god higher than truth.

- Mahatma Gandhi.

 

Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth.

- Jean-Paul Sartre.

 

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

 

We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter.

- Denis Diderot.

 

We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable.

- Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

 

There is no truth. There is only perception.

- Gustave Flaubert.

 

A lie told often enough becomes the truth.

- Lenin.

 

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

- Mark Twain.

 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

- Winston Churchill.

 

It has always been desirable to tell the truth, but seldom, if ever, necessary.

- A.J. Balfour.

 

I welcome the opportunity of pricking the bloated bladder of lies with the poniard of truth.

- Aneurin Bevan, replying to a House of Commons speech by Winston Churchill.

 

I should think it hardly possible to state the opposite of the truth with more precision.

- Winston Churchill, replying to a House of Commons speech by Aneurin Bevan.

 

Truth is a rare and precious commodity. We must be sparing in its use.

- C.P. Scott.

 

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later to be found out.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

….the truth is a thing I get rid of as soon as possible! Bad habit, by the way. Makes one very unpopular at the club….with the older members. They call it being conceited.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

- Jerome K. Jerome.

 

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

- Albert Einstein.

 

It take two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.

- Homer Simpson.

 

He who cannot lie does not know what the truth is.

- Friedrich Nietzche.

 

The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.

- G.B. Shaw.

 

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling falsehoods about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

- Adlai Stevenson.

 

Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.

- Bergen Evans.

 

Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,

It made one Gasp and Stretch one’s eyes;

Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,

He’d kept a Strict Regard for Truth,

Attempted to Believe Matilda:

The effort very nearly killed her.

- Hilaire Belloc.

 

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Truth is sacred and if you tell the truth too often nobody will believe it.

- G.K. Chesterton

 

No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.

- Alfred E. Smith.

 

Any preoccupation with ideas of what is right and wrong in conduct shows an arrested intellectual development.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

 

The truth shall make you free, but first it shall piss you off.

 

The truth will set you free .... but first it will make you miserable.

 

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

 

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

 

Trust me, would I lie to you……again?

 

TYRRANY

 

The best government is a benevolent tyranny, modified by an occasional assassination.

- Voltaire.

 

The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.

- Mahatma Ghandi

 

In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up.

- Martin Niemoeller, German Lutheran Pastor.

 

There are few minds to which tyranny is not delightful.

 

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