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REASON
Do not
believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not
believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by
many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found
written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything
merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not
believe in traditions because they have been handed down for
many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you
find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the
good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to
it.
-
Buddha.
RONALD
REAGAN
I
believe that Reagan can make this country what it once was - an
arctic region covered with ice.
-
Steve Martin.
….a
triumph of the embalmer’s art.
- Gore
Vidal.
In a
disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were
destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished
colouring one.
-
Jonathan Hunt, New Zealand Politician.
My
fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you that I have signed
legislation to outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five
minutes.
-
Ronald Reagan, recorded when asked to do a microphone test.
I have
left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national
emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
-
Ronald Reagan.
Here's
my strategy on the Cold War: “We win, they lose."
- Ronald Reagan.
The
most terrifying words in the English language are: “I'm from the
government and I'm here to help."
-
Ronald Reagan.
I have
wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have
looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.
-
Ronald Reagan.
Talk
is cheap - except when Congress does it. The government is like
a baby’s alimentary canal, with an insatiable appetite at one
end and no responsibility at the other.
-
Ronald Reagan.
Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in three
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate
it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-
Ronald Reagan.
The
taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.
-
Ronald Reagan.
Trust,
but verify.
-
Ronald Reagan.
I
couldn't help but say to Mr. Gorbachev, just think how easy his
task and mine might be in these meetings that we held if
suddenly there was a threat to this world from another planet.
We'd find out once and for all that we really are all human
beings here on this earth together.
-
Ronald Reagan.
The
nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is
a government program.
-
Ronald Reagan.
The
trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant:
It's just that they know so much that isn't so.
-
Ronald Reagan
Of the
four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was
too strong.
-
Ronald Reagan
Please
assure me that you are all Republicans.
-
Ronald Reagan, addressing his surgeons on being wheeled to the
OR after an assassination attempt.
REALITY
Only
those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. I
think it's in my basement... let me go upstairs and check.
- M.C.
Escher.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-
Albert Einstein.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go
away.
-
Phillip K. Dick.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
- Lily
Tomlin.
Are
you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling?
- M.C.
Escher.
Every time I close the
door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
- Jennifer Unlimited.
Objectivity has about as much substance as the emperor's new
clothes.
-
Connie Miller.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
away.
-
Philip K. Dick.
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
- John
Lennon.
Everything you can imagine is real.
-
Pablo Picasso.
As I
was sitting in my chair,
I knew
the bottom wasn't there,
Nor
legs nor back, but I just sat,
Ignoring little things like that.
-
Hughes Mearns.
There
are no facts, only interpretations.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-
Albert Einstein
We do
not see things as they are, but as we are.
-
Immanuel Kant.
Reason
is the shepherd trying to corral life's vast flock of wild
irrationalities.
- Paul
Eldridge, Maxims for a Modern Man.
One
bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot
one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the
lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is
true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
How do
we know that the sky is not green and we are all colour-blind?
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
All
reality is aspect dependent.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is an illusion produced by alcohol deficiency
Okay,
who stopped payment on my reality check?
Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
Reality is for people who can’t face science fiction.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.
Cannot
find REALITY.SYS. Universe Halted.
REASON
The
most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is Reason. I
have never used any other, and trust I never will.
-
Thomas Paine.
Dogmas
of every kind put assertion in the place of reason and give rise
to more contention, bitterness, and want of charity than any
other influence in human affairs.
- Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle.
In the
long run nothing can withstand reason and experience, and the
contradictions which religion offers to both is all too
palpable.
-
Sigmund Freud.
REBELLION &
REVOLUTION
Revolutions have never lightened the burden of tyranny; they
have only shifted it to another shoulder.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Every
act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence.
-
Albert Camus.
The
first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-
Abbie Hoffman.
Every
revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new
bureaucracy.
-
Franz Kafka.
The
urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the
urge to rule .
- H.
L. Mencken
Women
hate revolutions and revolutionists. They like men who are
docile, and well regarded at the bank, and never late for meals.
- H.L.
Mencken.
RELATIONSHIPS
There's one sad truth in life I've found
While
journeying east and west -
The
only folks we really wound
Are
those we love the best.
We
flatter those we scarcely know,
We
please the fleeting guest,
And
deal full many a thoughtless blow
To
those who love us best.
- Ella
Wheeler Wilcox.
Sticks
and stones are hard on bones
Aimed
with angry art,
Words
can sting like anything
But
silence breaks the heart.
-
Suzanne Nichols.
Piglet
sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes,
Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just
wanted to be sure of you."
- A.A.
Milne, Winnie The Pooh.
I
think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move
forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a
dead shark.
-
Woody Allen.
I date
this girl for two years - and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna
know your name.'
- Mik
Binder.
No
road is long with good company.
-
Turkish Proverb.
REGRETS
The
follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he
didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.
-
Helen Rowland.
RELATIVES
Relations are simply a
tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge
of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
- Oscar Wilde.
Many a
fellow who looks like the dominant male and has himself
photographed smoking a pipe curls up like carbon paper when
confronted by an aunt.
- P.G.
Wodehouse.
It
isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.
-
Groucho Marx.
I saw
six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour
asked 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be
enough.'
-
Peter Kay.
My Mom
said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'
-
Paula Poundstone.
Climbing my family tree was fun, until the nuts appeared.
RELATIVITY
I
simply ignored an axiom.
-
Albert Einstein.
When a
man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than
any hour. That’s relativity.
-
Albert Einstein.
It is
impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
-
Woody Allen.
There
was a young lady named Bright
Whose
speed was faster than light;
She
went out one day
In a
relative way,
And
returned the previous night.
-
Professor A.H. Reginald Buller.
RELIGION
There
is a story….which is fairly well known, told about when
missionaries came to Africa, that they had the Bible and we, the
natives, had the land. And then they said, “Let us prey,” and we
dutifully shut our eyes. And when we opened them, why, they now
had the land and we had the Bible.
-
Desmond Tutu.
If
something is in me which can be called religious then it is the
unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as
our science can reveal it.
-
Albert Einstein.
I
believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
-
Frank Lloyd Wright.
I can
very well do without God both in my life and in my painting, but
I cannot, ill as I am, do without something which is greater
than I, which is my life – the power to create.
-
Vincent van Gogh.
As the
poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so
hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-
Woody Allen.
As for
me, I’ve long resolved not to think whether man created God or
God man.
-
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
Man
is, and always has been, a maker of gods.
- John
Burroughs.
Whatever we cannot easily understand we call God; this saves
much wear and tear on the brain tissues.
-
Edward Abbey.
The
Church is the world’s great lost and found department.
-
Robert L. Short.
Men
never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
from religious conviction.
-
Blaise Pascal.
There
was a time when religion ruled the world. It was known as the
Dark Ages.
- Ruth
Hurmence Green.
The
beginning of wisdom is the awareness that there is insufficient
evidence that a god or gods have created us and the recognition
that we are responsible in part for our own destiny.
- Paul
Kurtz.
I
cannot believe in a God who has neither humour nor common sense.
- W.
Somerset Maugham.
Every
other sect supposes itself in possession of all truth, and that
those who differ are so far in the wrong; like a man travelling
in foggy weather, those at some distance before him on the road
he sees wrapped up in the fog, as well as those behind him, and
also the people in the fields on each side, but near him all
appears clear, tho’ in truth he is as much in the fog as any of
them.
-
Benjamin Franklin.
Religion is excellent
stuff for keeping common people quiet.
- Napoleon Bonaparte.
It is
ridiculous to think that a supreme being – whatever it is –
cares about human affairs. Don’t we believe that it would be
defiled by so gloomy and complex a responsibility?
-
Pliny the Elder.
The
need for religion will end when man becomes sensible enough to
govern himself.
-
Francisco Ferrer Guardia.
The
fact that a believer is happier than a sceptic is no more to the
point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober
one.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
You
can’t convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not
based on evidence, it’s based on a deep-seated need to believe.
- Carl
Sagan.
All
religions, with their gods, their demigods, and their prophets,
their messiahs and their saints, were created by the credulous
fancy of men who had not attained the full development and full
possession of their faculties.
-
Mikhail A. Bakunin.
I find
the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it
does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it
seriously.
-
Douglas Adams.
A good
sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse
interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
-
Ronald Knox.
As God
once said, and I think rightly....
-
Margaret Thatcher.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with
popcorn.
-
Fulton Sheen.
Parsons always seem to be specifically horrified about things
like sunbathing and naked bodies. They don’t mind poverty and
misery and cruelty to animals nearly as much.
-
Susan Ertz.
Science has done more for the development of Western
civilization in one hundred years than Christianity did in
eighteen hundred.
- John
Burroughs.
Religion provides the solace for the turmoil that it creates.
-
Byron Danelius.
The
biblical account of Noah’s Ark and the Flood is perhaps the most
implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where, for
example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and polar
bears in Palestine?
-
Judith Hayes.
Somewhere, and I can’t
find where, I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local
missionary priest, “If I did not know about God and sin, would I
go to hell?” “No,” said the priest, “not if you did not know.”
“Then why,” asked the Eskimo earnestly, “did you tell me.”
- Annie Dillard.
It is
told that the great Angelo, in decorating a church, painted some
angels wearing sandals. A cardinal looking at the picture said
to the artist: “Whoever saw angels with sandals?” Angelo
answered with another question: “Whoever saw an angel
barefooted?”
-
Robert G. Ingersoll.
Subtract from the New Testament the miraculous and highly
improbable, and what will be the remainder?
-
George Eliot.
Question: I just wanted to know if you believe in God.
Answer: No, but I don’t disbelieve in her either.
-
Arthur C. Clarke.
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is
answers that may never be questioned.
-
Anon.
Traveller: God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer.
Farmer: You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn’t
around.
-
Anon.
I
believe in God; I just don’t trust anyone who works for him.
-
Anon.
From
the first moment I looked into the horror on September 11th,
into that fireball, into that explosion of horror, I knew it. I
knew it before anything was said about those who did it or why.
I recognized an old companion. I recognized religion.
-
Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete.
I am
convinced now that children should not be subjected to the
frightfulness of the Christian religion….If the concept of a
father who plots to have his own son put to death is presented
to children as beautiful and as worthy of society’s admiration,
what types of human behaviour can be presented to them as
reprehensible?
- Ruth
Hurmence Green.
“The
Good Book” – one of the most remarkable euphemisms ever coined.
-
Ashleigh Montague.
God is
the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the
miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a
kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos: He will
set them above their betters.
- H.L.
Mencken.
I find
it necessary to wash my hands after I have come into contact
with religious people.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche.
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the
philosophers as false, and by the rulers as useful.
-
Seneca the Younger.
Give a
man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion,
and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
-
Anon.
One’s
convictions should be proportional to one’s evidence.
- Sam
Harris.
As a
caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so a
priest lays his curse on the fairest joys.
-
William Blake.
A
faith which cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth
many regrets.
-
Arthur C. Clarke.
Lighthouses are more helpful than churches.
-
Benjamin Franklin.
Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power.
- Eric
Hoffer.
We
have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to
make us love one another.
-
Jonathan Swift.
This
is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for
complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart, is the
temple; your philosophy is simple kindness.
- The
Dalai Lama.
He who
has made great moral progress ceases to prey.
-
Immanuel Kant.
Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it you
would have good people doing good things and evil people doing
evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes
religion.
-
Steven Weinberg.
Pointing to another world will never stop vice among us;
shedding light over this world can alone help us.
- Walt
Whitman.
The
more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never
worshipped anything but himself.
-
Richard Francis Burton.
God is
a holding place for everything we don’t understand.
-
Betty Sue Flowers.
You
never see animals going through the absurd and often horrible
fooleries of magic and religion….Only man behaves with such
gratuitous folly. It is the price he has to pay for being
intelligent, but not, as yet, quite intelligent enough.
-
Aldous Huxley.
I am
against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not
understanding the world.
-
Richard Dawkins.
Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in
veneration – courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and,
above all, love of truth.
- H.L.
Mencken.
If I
had to choose a religion I think I should become a worshipper of
the sun. The sun gives to all things life and fertility. It is
the true God of the earth.
-
Napoleon Bonaparte.
I feel
no need of any faith than my faith in human beings. Like
Confucius of old, I am so absorbed in the wonder of the earth
and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven or angels.
-
Pearl S. Buck.
No man
of any humour ever founded a religion.
-
Robert G. Ingersoll.
The
total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most
singular things in all literature.
-
Alfred North Whitehead.
Every
man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is.
- Jean
Anouilh.
When
suffering comes, we yearn from some sign from God, forgetting we
have just had one.
-
Mignon McLaughlin.
But
who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the
common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
- Mark
Twian.
No man
treats a motorcar as foolishly as he treats another human being.
When the car will not go, he does not attribute its annoying
behaviour to sin; he does not say, “You are a wicked motorcar,
and I shall not give you any more petrol until you go.” He
attempts to find out what is wrong and set it right.
-
Bertrand Russell.
One
good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.
-
Thomas Paine.
I have
little confidence in any enterprise or business or investment
that promises dividends only after the death of the
stockholders.
-
Robert G. Ingersoll.
The Christian resolve to
find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
Well,
I believe there’s somebody out there who watches over us.
Unfortunately, it’s the government.
-
Woody Allen.
No
matter how much I prove and prod,
I
cannot quite believe in God;
But
oh, I hope to God that He
Unswervingly believes in me.
- E.Y.
Harburg.
How
can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught
in the roller of an electric typewriter?
-
Woody Allen, Selections from the Allen Notebooks.
I
cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist
without a clockmaker.
-
Voltaire.
The
inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the
gentleman who reads it.
-
Robert G. Ingersoll.
God,
that dumping ground of our dreams.
- Jean
Rostand, Carnets d'un Biologiste.
The
gods too are fond of a joke.
-
Aristotle.
Beware
of the man whose God is in the skies.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
If God
were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted
upon men, He would kill himself.
-
Alexandre Dumas.
Religion is a by-product of fear. For much of human history, it
may have been a necessary evil, but why was it more evil than
necessary? Isn't killing people in the name of God a pretty good
definition of insanity?
-
Arthur C. Clarke.
Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church
we're just making him madder and madder.
-
Homer Simpson.
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made
up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
- Bart
Simpson.
When I
was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't
work
that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips.
Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the
last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.
- Sir
Julian Huxley.
If God
lived on earth, people would break his windows.
-
Jewish Proverb.
All
religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness
of the few.
-
Stendhal.
Faith:
not “wanting” to know what is true.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche.
Two
great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche.
I have
recently been examining all the known superstitions of the
world, and do not find in our particular superstition
(Christianity) one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded
on fables and mythology.
-
Thomas Jefferson.
The
clergy believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be
exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe
rightly: for I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal
hostility against every form of tyranny known to the mind of
man.
-
Thomas Jefferson.
I once
wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no
holidays.
-
Henny Youngman.
God is
the tangential point between zero and infinity.
-
Alfred Jarry, Gestes et Opinions du Docteur Faustroll
Pataphysicien.
The problem with writing
about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely
religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
- Dave Barry.
Lisa,
if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's
that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil
wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-
Homer Simpson.
A lot
of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" I dunno, it was
one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
-
Lenny Bruce.
Not
only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
-
Woody Allen.
It is
full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever
fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals;
and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
- Mark Twain, commenting on the Bible.
Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain
randomness.
- Fran
Lebowitz.
I
asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did.
Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed
the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for
an only child.
-
Woody Allen.
And God said, 'Let there
be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he
would have to wait until August to be connected.
- Spike Milligan.
If Jesus was a
Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
-
Billy Connolly.
Good
God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who
finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth
decay in His divine system of Creation.
-
Joseph Heller.
If
only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large
deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-
Woody Allen.
There
is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
The
chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its
massive proof that God is a bore.
- H.L.
Mencken.
“The
Good Book” – one of the most remarkable euphemisms ever coined.
-
Ashley Montague.
Faith:
not wanting to know what is true.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche.
I have
spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
- W.C.
Fields - during his last illness.
I
still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a
lack of confidence.
- Doug
MacLeod.
Poor
soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death -
eaten by missionaries - poor soul.
-
William Archibald Spooner, Oxford clergyman and academic.
Yes,
about ten minutes.
- Duke
of Wellington, responding to a vicar's query as to whether there
was anything he would like his upcoming sermon to be about.
It
ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that
bother me, it’s the parts that I do understand.
- Mark
Twain.
The
inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the
gentleman who reads it.
-
Robert G. Ingersoll.
Christ
died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?
-
Jules Feiffer.
If
Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a
Christian.
- Mark
Twain.
There
are scores of thousands of human insects who are ready at a
moment's notice to reveal the Will of God on every possible
subject.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
The
trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even
bigger pain the second time around.
- Herb
Caen.
Not
only is there no God, but try getting a plumber at weekends.
-
Woody Allen.
Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world
becomes explicable.
- H.L.
Mencken.
Organized Christianity has probably done more to retard the
ideals that were its founder’s than any other agency in the
world.
-
Richard Le Gallienne.
A
Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the
evil conscience of their parents.
- H.L.
Mencken.
If God
did not exist, it would have been necessary to invent him.
-
Voltaire.
If you
talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
schizophrenia.
-
Thomas Szasz.
1. In
the beginning, God created dates.
2. And
the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
3. And
God said, ‘Let there be Light’; and there was Light. And when
there was light, God saw the date, that it was an Monday,
and He got down to work; for, verily He had an Big Job To Do.
And God made pottery shards and Silurian molluscs and
Pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic mastodon
tusks and Pithecanthropus erectus skulls and Cretaceous
Placentalia made He; and those cave paintings at Lascaux. And
that was that for the First Day.
4. And
God saw everything He had made, and He saw that it was very
good; and God said, ‘It just goes to show Me what the
private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations,
this could have taken billion of years.
5. And
on the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day
yet, God said, ‘Thank Me it’s Friday.’ And God made the weekend.
- Tony
Hendra and Sean Kelly.
Any stigma is good
enough to beat a dogma with.
- Phillip Guedalla.
There
is something wrong with a man if he does not want to break the
Ten Commandments.
- G.K.
Chesterton.
After
coming in contact with a religious man, I always feel that I
must wash my hands.
-
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.
I’m a
man of no convictions - at least I think I am.
-
Christopher Hampton.
Prayer
gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he
hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself.
-
William Inge.
Prayer
must never be answered: if it is, it ceases to be prayer and
becomes correspondence.
-
Oscar Wilde.
Which
is it: is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's
blunders?
-
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.
It is
going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the
earth after they inherit it.
- Kin
Hubbard.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
-
Herbert Hoover.
No one
ever made more trouble than the ‘gentle Jesus meek and mild.’
-
James M. Gillis.
A
church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to
heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.
- H.L.
Mencken.
Self
denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity.
-
Oscar Wilde.
How
odd
Of God
To
choose
The
Jews
Not
odd
Of
God.
Goyim
Annoy
‘im.
- Leo Rosten.
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And
I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-
Robert Frost.
Faith
is what we believe in but cannot prove. Superstition is what
other people believe in but cannot prove.
-
Lambert Jeffries.
In
heaven all the interesting people are missing.
-
Wilhelm Friedrich Nietzsche.
I'm a
born again atheist.
- Gore
Vidal.
Missionaries, my dear! Don't you realise that missionaries are
the divinely provided food for destitute and underfed cannibals?
Whenever they are on the brink of starvation, Heaven in its
infinite mercy sends them a nice plump missionary.
-
Oscar Wilde.
It
often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a
serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I
wake up completely and remember that I am the pope.
- Pope
John XXIII.
What’s
a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
-
Robert Altman.
STOP!
Do not use this power saw without permission from the owner,
foreman, me, or my son.
- God
(sign posted at a building site).
Going
to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
If god
really is an old Jewish fart is the sky, it explains a whole
lot.
Mental
floss regularly with God's Word to avoid truth decay.
The
best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
The 10
commandments are not a multiple choice.
If you
want to make God laugh, tell him about your future plans.
-
Woody Allen.
Thank
God I'm an atheist.
If God
exists that's his problem.
Jesus
is coming. Look Busy.
In God
we trust; all others are suspects.
Going
to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
Thanks
be to God for finally proving the existence of Jean-Paul Sartre.
God is
alive - he just doesn’t want to get involved.
God is
dead. But don’t worry - the Virgin Mary is pregnant again.
God is
not dead. He is alive and autographing Bibles today at Foyles.
God is
dead.
-
Nietzsche.
Nietzsche is dead.
- God.
Has it
ever occurred to you that God might be a committee?
The
last Christian died on the cross.
Lord
save me from your followers.
God is
not dead, but alive and well and working on a much less
ambitious project.
God
was a woman - until she changed her mind.
Sorry,
but my karma just rode over your dogma.
-
Bumper sticker.
God
was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to
eat him.
God
seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running
out.
When
an agnostic dies, does he go to the “Great Perhaps”?
‘Jesus
loves black and white’ - but he prefers Johnny Walker.
‘Lions
7, Christians Nil’ - Christians in heaven, lions ill.
You
found God? If nobody claims him in thirty days, he's yours!
The
trouble with God is he thinks he’s Lee Ouzman.
How do
you get holy water?
- Boil
the hell out of it.
Where
will you be on the day of judgement?
-
still here waiting for a No.95 bus.
Jesus
said unto them, "Who do you say that I am?". They replied, "You
are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being,
the Karygma of which we find the ultimate meaning of our
inter-personal relationships".
And
Jesus said, "Huh?".
‘In
six days the Lord made the Heaven and Earth, the Sea, and all
that in them is’.
- he
was self employed.
The
meek shall inherit the earth.
- but
not it’s mineral rights.
-
J.Paul Getty.
- they
are too weak to refuse.
And
the Angel said unto the shepherds, "Fuck off, this is cattle
country."
The
bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our
enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
God’s
plan made a hopeful beginning,
But
man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We
trust that the story
Will
end in God’s glory,
But,
at present, the other side’s winning.
Q: Why
do Jews answer a question with a question?
A: Why
shouldn’t Jews answer a question with a question?
A
missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before
they eat him.
I've
found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Jesus
loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an ass.
Even
if you lead a good life, go to church and say your prayers,
you'll still go to Des Moines when you die.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
When
an agnostic dies, does he go to the “Great Perhaps?”.
Never
trust a nun with a gun.
REPARTEE & INSULTS
"Sir,
you will either die on the gallows or of the pox!"
"That,
my Lord, depends on whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress"
-John
Wilkes to The Earl of Sandwich, Parliament, November 1763
If I
valued the honourable gentleman's opinion I might get angry.
-
Winston Churchill.
I have
waited fifty years to see the Boneless Wonder sitting on the
Treasury bench.
-
Winston Churchill, of Ramsay MacDonald.
He has
all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-
Winston Churchill, of Ramsay MacDonald.
I am
enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a
friend....if you have one.
-
George Bernard Shaw, to Winston Churchill.
Cannot
possibly attend first night, will attend second....if there is
one.
-
Winston Churchill, in response.
He had
sufficient conscience to bother him, but not sufficient to keep
him straight.
-
David Lloyd George, of Ramsay MacDonald.
When
they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit.
-
David Lloyd George, on his fellow Liberal.
The
Tory Prime Minister, Benjamin Disreali, was noted for his
oratory and had a number of memorable exchanges in the House
with his great rival William Gladstone. Asked what the
difference between a calamity and a misfortune was Disreali
replied: 'If Gladstone fell into the Thames it would be a
misfortune, but if someone pulled him out again, it would be a
calamity'.
I want
to thank all those who made this night necessary.
- Yogi
Berra.
I
never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case.
-
Groucho Marx.
I dote
on his very absence.
-
William Shakespeare.
He has
no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde.
Nancy
Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
-
Johnny Carson.
Judge:
I have read your case, Mr. Smith, and I am no wiser now than I
was when I started.
Smith: Possibly not, My Lord, but far better informed.
- F. E. Smith, Earl of Birkenhead.
What
is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand
you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering?
It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank
looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes,
you fucking McTosser!
-
Billy Conolly.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that
someone else is driving.
-
David Letterman.
No one
can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
dirty little beast.
- W.
S. Gilbert.
Boy
George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Joan
Rivers.
Mrs.
Lindsay: You certainly look cool.
Berra:
Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself.
- Yogi
Berra
Waldo
is one of those people who would be enormously improved by
death.
-
Hector Hugh Munro, "Saki", referring to Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Where
does she find them?
-
Dorothy Parker - in reply to "Anyway, she's always very nice to
her inferiors."
I must
decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.
-
Oscar Wilde.
My mother never saw the
irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Jack Nicholson.
He's
done more U-turns than a dodgy plumber.
- Iain Douglas Smith (on Tony Blair's attitude towards Europe).
I'd
love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
-
Bette Davis.
Joan
Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy
attending the birth of her next husband.
- John
Parrott.
She's
so pure, even Moses couldn't part her knees.
-
Joan Rivers
(on Marie Osmond).
He is
a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John
Bright.
I have
never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.
-
Clarence Darrow.
There
is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.
- Jack
E. Leonard.
He can
compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.
-
Abraham Lincoln.
The
right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only
difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of
warmth.
- Benjamin Disraeli, on Robert Peel.
In
order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
-
Charles, Count Talleyrand.
He
loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
-
Forrest Tucker.
His
mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae
West.
Some
cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
-
Oscar Wilde.
He
uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts….for support
rather than illumination.
-
Andrew Lang.
He had
delusions of adequacy.
-
Walter Kerr.
His
lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly
developed moral bankruptcy.
-
Woody Allen.
….like
being savaged by a dead sheep.
-
Denis Healey, on Geoffrey Howe’s attack on his budget, House of
Commons, 1978.
Lord
Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his
head.
-
Margot Asquith.
I
treasure every moment that I do not see her.
-
Oscar Levant, on Phyllis Diller.
I
can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
-
Steven Pearl.
I
could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
-
Johnny Mercer, on a British musical.
Dustin
Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I
had the audience glued to their seats."
Oliver
Herford: "How very clever of you to think of it."
I am
returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at
the top.
-
English professor, Ohio University.
Lady
Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your
tea.
Winston Churchill: And if I were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink
it.
Lady
Astor (to Churchill, slurring in Commons): “Sir! You are drunk!”
Churchill: “Yes, milady, I am, and you are ugly. But, in
the morning, I shall be sober.”
Anecdotes concerning Oscar Wilde's wit are legion. A notorious
bore is supposed to have said to him "I passed your house
yesterday, Oscar", and he is supposed to have replied "Thank you
very much."
"TO
HELL WITH YOU - OFFENSIVE LETTER FOLLOWS"
-
Anonymous telegram to Sir Alec Douglas.
“I’ll
be going now; don't trouble to see me to the door.”
“It's
no trouble; it's a pleasure.”
Well,
aren't we a fucking ray of sunshine?
Your
ridiculous little opinion has been noted
Gent:
“Sir! How dare you fart before my wife!”
Farter: “I do apologise. I didn’t realise it was her
turn.”
When a
newspaper headline read: 'Half of the City Council are Crooks',
the City Council demanded a retraction. The next day the
headline read, 'Half of the City Council are not Crooks.'
What
he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.
Man:
'Can I have a parrot for my son, please?'
Pet
shop owner: 'Sorry, sir, we don't swap'.
Teacher: 'Johnny, where is Brazil?'
Johnny
(stalling): 'Where do you think it is?'
Teacher: 'I don't think. I know.'
Johnny: 'I don't think I know, either.'
Girl:
'Sometimes my father takes things apart to see why they don't
go.'
Her
date: 'So what?'
Girl:
'So you'd better go.'
'And
would you love me as much if my father lost all his money?'
'Has
he?'
'Why,
no.'
'Of
course I would, darling.'
Diner:
'Do you serve crabs here?'
Waiter: 'We serve anyone - sit down!'
I can
see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
Don't
get your panties in a bunch. It solves nothing; and makes you
walk funny.
If I
could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
He has
the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
I
tried seeing your point of view, but I couldn’t get my head that
far up my arse.
RESEARCH
If we
knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would
it?
-
Albert Einstein.
Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are
blind.
-
Marston Bates.
Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes
chocolate.
-
Sandra Boynton.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-
Wernher Von Braun.
Westheimer's Discovery: A coupla months in the laboratory can
save a coupla hours in the library.
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable
discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood
transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather
than human blood. It tends to the make men cocky and the women
lay better.
To
steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
RESPECTABILITY
The more things a man is
ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
- George Bernard Shaw.
Decency . . . must be an even more exhausting state to maintain
than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying
amount of sleep.
-
Quentin Crisp.
I wish
someone would call me “Sir” without adding, “You’re making a
scene.”
RESPONSIBILITY
A
memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect
the writer.
- Dean
Acheson.
With
every civil right there has to be a corresponding civil
obligation.
-
Edison Haines.
I
believe that every right implies a responsibility; every
opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty.
- John
D. Rockefeller Jr.
We
have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood
until we have stopped saying "It got lost," and say "I lost it."
-
Sidney J. Harris.
When a man points a
finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his
fingers are pointing at himself.
- Louis Nizer.
If
something goes wrong with the plant, blame the guy who can’t
speak English.
"I
must do something" always solves more problems than "Something
must be done."
RIGHTS
What men value in this
world are not rights but privileges.
- H.L. Mencken.
The
right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.
-
Hubert Humphrey, speech, Madison, Wisconsin, 23 August 1965.
There
you go again - thinking you have rights!
2 Days
without a human rights violation.
RISK
To
dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to
lose oneself.
-
Soren Kierkegaard.
Be
wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs
no risk.
- Joaquin Setanti.
I am always doing that
which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.
- Pablo Picasso.
When
in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically
thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the
most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
-
Cynthia Heimel, Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics.
Why
not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
-
Frank Scully.
You'll
always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
-
Wayne Gretzky.
A ship
in harbour is safe - but that is not what ships are for.
- John
A. Shedd, Salt from My Attic.
Nothing will ever be attempted, if all possible objections must
be first overcome.
-
Samuel Johnson, Rasselas, 1759.
If one
is forever cautious, can one remain a human being?
-
Aleksander Solzhenitsyn.
One
does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of
the shore for a very long time.
-
André Gide.
We
fail more often by timidity than by over-daring.
-
David Grayson.
Take
risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be
wise.
Never
be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the
ark; professionals built the Titanic.
ROYALTY
Mr
Gladstone speaks to me as if I were a public meeting.
-
Queen Victoria.
Can
you use your sword?
-
Queen Mother, 100, to her Equerry, Capt William de Rouet, after
struggling unsuccessfully to open the envelope containing the
birthday card from her daughter, the Queen. Much to the
amazement of the assembled throng, he drew his huge sabre and
did just that.
That's
mine.
- An
alert Queen Mother to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who picked
up her wine glass by mistake during a toast at a Guildhall lunch
in her honour.
Is it me or are
pensioners getting younger these days?
- Queen Mother, 100,
presenting prizes at an old people's garden competition.
The
chopper changed my life as conclusively as that of Anne Boleyn.
-
Queen Mother, on her love of helicopters - the first Royal to
use them.
Nobody
has kissed me on the lips since my husband died.
-
Queen Mother, in a frosty reproof to President Carter, who
greeted her a little too warmly for her liking.
Is
that wise? You know you have to reign all afternoon.
-
Queen Mother, admonishing her daughter, when the Queen had a
rare glass of wine with her lunch.
Work,
darling is the rent you pay for life.
-
Queen Mother to her daughter, the Queen.
Who do
you think you are?
-
Queen Mother, again, to her daughter. To which the response
was....
Mummy,
the Queen!
Get 'em
orf at once. They look like icecream salesmen.
- HM
The Queen, on the new cool white Garden Party coats designed to
replace the traditional heavy scarlet ones worn by her servants.
When a
man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a
new wife.
-
Prince Philip.
Dig
that crazy rhythm.
- HRH
Prince Charles trying, and failing miserably, to be cool as a DJ
at a Prince's Trust-backed shelter.
‘Kiskawpisim Kamiyowahpahmikoot.’
- The
new name given to HRH Prince Charles by native Cree Indians on
his recent visit to Canada. It means "The sun watches over him
in a good way." He already has another native Indian title from
a previous visit 26 years ago - "Attaniout Ikeneego" - "Son of
the big boss."
When I
appear in public people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw
the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.
-
Princess Anne, only daughter of Queen Elizabeth II.
I
don't want to give it to her. She's horrible.
- Five
year old Anna Engstrom refusing to present a posy to Princess
Anne.
As I
said to the Queen, I can't stand name-droppers.
- Alan
Whicker, TV presenter.
What
is your name?
- Sol
Masters, age 3 years, to probably the most famous woman on the
planet, the Queen, on her visit to his kindergarten in Busselton,
Western Australia.
RULES OK
Einstein rules relatively, OK.
-
well, in theory anyway.
Potassium Ethoxide rules C2H4OK.
Sycophancy rules - if it's OK by you.
James
Bond rules, 00K.
Lethargy rulezzzzzzzz
Absolute zero rules 0ºK
Rizla
skins roll, OK.
The
House of Lords overrules, OK.
OK
sauce rules, HP.
Saliva
drools, OK.
The
King of Siam rules Bank, OK.
Examples rule, e.g.
Scotland rules OK, the noo!
Amnesia rules, O....
Apathy
rules, oh dear....
Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right,
adequately.
RUNNING
The
only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
- Erma
Bombeck.
It's
unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they
are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone
running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my
instincts tell me to let the dog go after him.
- Mike
Royko.
The
trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
-
Martin Mull.
If God
invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more
stupid, the triathlon must have taken Him completely by
surprise.
- P.Z.
Pearce.
I
believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats
and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a
street.
- Neil
Armstrong on jogging, in an interview with Walter Cronkite.
RUSSIA
I
cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle
wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
-
Winston Churchill, 1939.
In the
United States you have freedom of speech. You can go up to
Ronald Reagan and say, ‘I don’t like Ronald Reagan.’ In the
Soviet Union you can have the same thing. You can go up to
Chernenko and say, ‘I don’t like Ronald Reagan.’
-
Yakov Smirnoff.
There
are no unemployed in Russia or in Dartmoor jail, and for the
same reason.
-
Phillip Snowden.
Get me
Pootie-Poot on the phone.
- US
President George W. Bush, revealing his nickname for the Russian
President Putin.
Q:
What is a Russian string trio?
A: A
Russian string quartet that has returned from the West.
-
David Steel.
Visit
the USSR - before the USSR visits you.
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