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PALINDROMES
(Reads
the same both ways)
AH,
SATAN SEES NATASHA.
ANNE,
I VOTE MORE CARS RACE ROME TO VIENNA.
ARE WE
NOT DRAWN ONWARD, WE FEW, DRAWN ONWARD TO NEW ERA?
A
TOYOTA! RACE FAST... SAFE CAR: A TOYOTA.
CAMPUS
MOTTO: BOTTOMS UP, MAC.
DENNIS
SINNED.
DOC
NOTE: I DISSENT. A FAST NEVER PREVENTS A FATNESS. I DIET ON COD.
DO
GEESE SEE GOD?
DOGMA:
I AM GOD.
DON'T
NOD.
GO
DELIVER A DARE, VILE DOG!
GOD
SAW I WAS DOG.
GO
HANG A SALAMI; I'M A LASAGNA HOG!
KAY, A
RED NUDE, PEEPED UNDER A YAK.
MADAM,
IN EDEN I'M ADAM.
MAY A
MOODY BABY DOOM A YAM?
MURDER
FOR A JAR OF RED RUM.
NEVER
ODD OR EVEN.
NO, IT
NEVER PROPAGATES IF I SET A GAP OR PREVENTION.
NO
TRACE; NOT ONE CARTON.
OOZY
RAT IN A SANITARY ZOO.
RATS
LIVE ON NO EVIL STAR.
SATAN,
OSCILLATE MY METALLIC SONATAS!
SOME
MEN INTERPRET NINE MEMOS.
STRAW?
NO, TOO STUPID A FAD; I PUT SOOT ON WARTS.
SUMS
ARE NOT SET AS A TEST ON ERASMUS.
TOO
BAD – I HID A BOOT.
WAS IT
ELIOT'S TOILET I SAW?
PARANOIA
Just
Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean That They Aren’t Out There
To Get You.
-
Badge, 1970s.
Psychiatrist: (to patient): You’re suffering from
paranoia. Anyone’ll tell you.
-
Hector Breeze.
I told
my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being
ridiculous - everyone hasn’t met me yet.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
PARENTS & PARENTING
Father: (to son): Don’t forget - I fought at El Alamein
so you could be free to worry about the collapse of the
eco-system!
-
Hector Breeze.
I have
found the best way to give advice to your children is to find
out what they want and then advise them to do it.
-
Harry S. Truman.
Before
I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now
I have six children, and no theories.
- John
Wilmot.
It
would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and
violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the
desire to beget children is a natural urge.
-
Phyllis Diller.
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
didn't have anything to do with it.
- Haim
Ginott.
If you
have never been hated by your child you have never been a
parent.
-
Bette Davis.
My mom
was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-
Wendy Liebman.
Don't
handicap your children by making their lives easy.
-
Robert A. Heinlein.
There
are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots.
The other is wings.
-
Hodding Carter, Jr.
To lose one parent may
be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like
carelessness.
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895.
Now
the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person
to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.
- Jean
Kerr.
Never raise your hand to
your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons.
Mother
Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us
a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of
assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any
disposable income.
- Dave
Barry.
When
my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When
they're finished, I climb out.
- Erma
Bombeck.
Good,
honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the
proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few
years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted.
-
George A. Dorsey.
Humans
are the only animals that have children on purpose with the
exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
- P.J.
O'Rourke.
When
you teach your son, you teach your son's son.
- The
Talmud.
Always
end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell,
the name will carry.
- Bill
Cosby.
There
are no illegitimate children - only illegitimate parents.
- Leon
R. Yankwich.
Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in
quiet.
- Bill
Cosby.
A
child, like your stomach, doesn't need all you can afford to
give it.
-
Frank A. Clark.
In
spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the
bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one
really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck -
and, of course, courage.
- Bill
Cosby, Fatherhood.
In
spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right
way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers
and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how
to do it.
-
Billy Cosby, Fatherhood.
Human
beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children
to come back home.
- Bill
Cosby, Fatherhood.
If
your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on
the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away
from children."
-
Susan Savannah.
You've
turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
-
Peter Kay.
PARKER, DOROTHY
(Quotes & anecdotes)
She
often vented her contempt for pretension and self-importance on
Clare Booth Luce, and their encounters produced two famous
Parkerisms: When told that Mrs. Luce was always kind to her
inferiors, Mrs. Parker asked, “Where does she find them?” On
another occasion the two women arrived simultaneously at the
door of a nightclub. “Age before beauty,” was all Mrs. Luce
could muster. “And pearls before swine,” said Mrs. Parker as she
glided through the doorway.
On
hearing that a British actress who was notorious for her
numerous love affairs had broken her leg, Mrs. Parker quipped,
“he must have done it sliding down a barrister.”
Oscar
Levant once asked her if she took sleeping pills, and she
replied, “In a big bowl with sugar and cream.”
When told that American
President Coolidge had died, asked "How can they tell?"
She is
credited with saying at a party, "One more drink and I'll be
under the host."
When
Claire Booth Luce told Dorothy Parker, "I really can't come to
your party, I can't bear fools," Mrs. Parker answered, "That's
strange, your mother could."
She once said of the
Yale Prom: If all those sweet young co-eds were laid end to end,
I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.
Too fucking busy, and
vice versa.
- in reply to her editor
who was bugging her for her belated work while she was on her
honeymoon.
Horticulture: You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make
her think.
As I
grow older and older,
And totter toward the tomb,
I find that I care less and less
Who goes to bed with whom.
Men
seldom make passes
At
girls who wear glasses.
By the
time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he
vows his passion is
Infinite, undying
Lady,
make a note of this:
One of
you is lying.
Oh,
life is a glorious cycle of song,
A
medley of extemporanea;
And
love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I
am Marie of Roumania.
(Of
suicide)
Razors
pain you, rivers are damp;
Acids
stain you, and drugs cause cramp.
Guns
aren't lawful, nooses give;
Gas
smells awful; you might as well live.
If
with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I
never seek to take the credit,
We all
assume that Oscar said it.
The
affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as
one of the prettiest love stories in all literature.
This
novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
great force.
Tonstant Weader fwowed up.
-
Dorothy Parker, review of Whinnie the Pooh in her column
Constant Reader.
I’d
rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I
require only three things from a man. He must be handsome,
ruthless and stupid.
The
two most beautiful words in the English language are “Cheque
enclosed”.
PARTIES
After
all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose,
they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place
by taxi.
- P.J.
O'Rourke.
Never
be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and
never, ever be both.
-
David Brown, quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes.
At every party there are
two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who
don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- Ann Landers.
Like
other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then
argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then
altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk. When we had
reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult
to get down again without stumbling.
-
George Gordon, Lord Byron.
Drink,
and dance and laugh and lie,
Love
the reeling midnight through,
For
tomorrow we shall die!
(But,
alas, we never do.)
-
Dorothy Parker.
She
had heard someone say something about an Independent Labour
Party, and was furious that she had not been asked.
-
Evelyn Waugh.
PASSION & EMOTIONS
Never
forget what a man says to you when he’s angry.
-
Henry Ward Beecher.
A man
in a passion rides a mad horse.
-
Benjamin Franklin.
An
irritable man is like a hedgehog rolled up the wrong way,
tormenting himself with his own prickles.
-
Thomas Hood.
Peace
of mind is better than giving them a piece of your mind.
- J.P.
McEvoy.
This
is a play about .... jealousy and self-deception. And greed and
envy and lust and gluttony. Just an average family Christmas.
- Alan
Ayckbourn.
Anger
is not only inevitable; it is also necessary. It’s absence means
indifference, the worst of all human failings.
-
Arthur Lackridge
If
passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
-
Benjamin Franklin.
Passion, though a bad regulator, is a powerful spring.
-
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
The
most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are
easier to buy.
- Yves
Saint Laurent.
The
conception of two people living together for twenty-five years
without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be
admired in sheep.
- Alan
Patrick Herbert.
The
same passions in man and woman nonetheless differ in tempo;
hence man and woman do not cease misunderstanding one another.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil.
Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like
the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give
forth its spark.
-
Amiel, Journal.
Every
civilization is, among other things, an arrangement for
domesticating the passions and setting them to do useful work.
-
Aldous Huxley.
I hate
people who play Bridge as though they were at a funeral, and
knew their feet were getting wet.
-
W.Somerset Maugham.
You
cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion.
- G.K.
Chesterton.
He
spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see
that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being
gruntled.
- P.G.
Wodehouse.
The
world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those
who feel.
-
Horace Walpole.
There
is nothing so unsatisfactory as a desire satisfied.
-
Lambert Jeffries.
Every
normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist
the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- H.L.
Mencken.
People
who never get carried away should be.
-
Malcolm Forbes.
In a
world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli,
racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys, and PMS, why the
hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?
Support mental health or I’ll kill you.
PATIENCE
How
can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged
cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience
to its young?
- Paul
Sweeney.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and
scorn in the one ahead.
- Mac
McCleary.
Adopt the pace of
nature: her secret is patience.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I am
extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
-
Margaret Thatcher.
Give
me patience. RIGHT NOW!
PATRIOTISM
The
less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
- Kin
Hubbard.
Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above
principles.
-
George Jean Nathan.
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial
reasons.
-
Bertrand Russell.
When
you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign
that he expects to be paid for it.
- H.L.
Mencken.
A real
patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
- Bill
Vaughan.
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
-
Oscar Wilde.
There
is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
vacuum.
-
Arthur C. Clarke.
Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome
nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately
I hate them!
-
Albert Einstein.
To me,
it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by
geography.
-
George Santayana.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to
all other countries because you were born in it.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of
mankind.
-
Albert Einstein, The World As I See It.
You'll
never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of
the human race.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
"My
country, right or wrong" is like saying "My mother, drunk or
sober."
- G.
K. Chesterton.
Nationalism is a silly cock crowing on his own dunghill.
-
Richard Aldington.
Patriotism is a kind of religion; it is the egg from which wars
are hatched.
- Guy
de Maupassant.
Dissent is the highest form of patriotism
- Thomas Jefferson.
If you
must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
Blind
faith in bad leadership is not patriotism.
PEACE
Peace
cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained
through understanding.
-
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
You
cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
-
Attributed to both Golda Meir and Indira Gandhi.
Give
peace a aaah-argggghh!
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
PERFECTION
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add,
but when there is nothing left to take away.
-
Antoine de Saint Exupery.
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their
husbands ... but English women only hope to find in their
butlers.
- W.
Somerset Maugham.
Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange
if old friends lacked certain quirks.
-
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
To
escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-
Elbert Hubbard.
Does
'anal-retentive' have a hyphen?
-
Alison Bechdel, Dykes to Watch Out For.
The
human story does not always unfold like a mathematical
calculation on the principle that two and two make four.
Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes
the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves
the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.
-
Winston Churchill.
Unless
I accept my faults I will most certainly doubt my virtues.
- Hugh
Prather.
No one
is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers.
PERSPECTIVES
Won't
you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you.
-
Richard Brinsley Sheridan.
Chaos is a name for any
order that produces confusion in our minds.
- George Santayana.
I had
the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a
man who had no feet.
-
Denis Waitely.
Each
act is virgin, even the repeated ones.
- René
Char.
We
don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
-
Anaïs Nin.
When a
man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer
than any hour. That's relativity.
-
Albert Einstein.
If one
man offers you democracy and another offers you a bag of grain,
at what stage of starvation will you prefer the grain to the
vote?
-
Bertrand Russell.
If I
had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been
revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have
been the paintbrush.
- Dawn
French.
To see
a World in a Grain of Sand
And a
Heaven in a wild Flower,
Hold
Infinity in the palm of your hand
And
Eternity in an hour.
-
William Blake, Auguries of Innocence.
It is
seldom indeed that one parts on good terms, because if one were
on good terms one would not part.
-
Marcel Proust, The Fugitive, Remembrance of Things Past.
The
rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food.
-
Russian Proverb.
My
play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
-
Ashleigh Brilliant.
A boil
is no big deal. On someone else's neck.
-
Jewish Saying.
I
thank Thee first because I was never robbed before; second,
because although they took my purse they did not take my life;
third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and
fourth because it was I who was robbed, and not I who robbed.
-
Matthew Henry.
Retreat, hell! We're just advancing in another direction.
-
Oliver Prince Smith.
If you
cry "Forward," you must make plain in what direction to go.
-
Anton Chekov.
With
most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in
another.
-
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, Notebook L, Aphorisms.
I
can't say as ever I was lost, but I was bewildered once for
three days.
-
Daniel Boone.
It
isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't
see the problem.
- G.K.
Chesterton.
I know
what I have given you. I do not know what you have received.
-
Antonio Porchia, Voces.
An
exhibitionist is nothing without a voyeur.
- S.
Sachs.
The
knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground
and miss.
-
Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
Now,
what is it which makes a scene interesting? If you see a man
coming through a doorway, it means nothing. If you see him
coming through a window - that is at once interesting.
-
Billy Wilder.
To
really enjoy the better things in life, one must first have
experienced the things they are better than.
-
Oscar Holmolka.
We
have them just where they want us.
-
James T. Kirk.
Some
men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that
never were and ask why not.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
People
who look through keyholes are apt to get the idea that most
things are keyhole shaped.
If
you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make
it look like a parade.
Is the
glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to
be?
Don't
think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a
total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up
almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
There
are always three sides to every story: your side, the other
side, and the truth.
What
is a promiscuous person? It is usually someone who is getting
more sex than you are.
-
Victor Lownes, Playboy.
A
liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is
a liberal who's been mugged.
-
Wendy Kaminer.
A hen
is only an egg's way of making another egg.
-
Samuel Butler.
They've got us surrounded again, the poor bastards.
-
Creighton W. Abrams.
The
reverse side also has a reverse side.
-
Japanese Proverb.
At
high tide the fish eat ants; at low tide the ants eat fish.
- Thai
Proverb.
When a
guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying
her to leave.
PEOPLE
People
who take time to be alone usually have depth, originality, and
quiet reserve.
- John
Miller.
Cute
teenagers exist only on television, I suspect. I know there are
none in my neighbourhood.
-
Robert MacKenzie.
Eccentricity is one of the hallmarks of strong characters and
original minds.
-
Andrew Garve.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Half
the people you know are below average.
There
are three kinds of people...
...
Those who can count and those who can't.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
PERSEVERENCE
When
you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
-
Franklin D. Roosevelt.
It's
not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems
longer.
-
Albert Einstein.
With
ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are
attainable.
-
Thomas Foxwell Buxton.
The
road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.
The
race is not always to the swift... but to those who keep on
running.
I may
not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.
When
your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little
longer.
Don't
give up. Moses was once a basket case!
PHILOSOPHY
Ninety
percent of everything is crap.
-
Theodore Sturgeon.
All
are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a
philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce.
The
difference between politics and statesmanship is philosophy.
- Will
Durant.
When
all else fails, there's always delusion.
-
Conan O'Brien.
I
recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian. The two
were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip
about the philosopher being like a blind man, in a dark room,
looking for a black cat – which wasn’t there. “That may be,”
said the philosopher; “but a theologian would have found it.”
-
Julian Huxley.
A man
gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
in the road.
-
Alexander Smith.
I
don't know why we are here but I'm pretty sure that its not in
order to enjoy ourselves.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein, German philosopher.
Any
philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
-
Branch Rickey.
Two
roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took
the one less travelled by,
And
that has made all the difference.
-
Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.
A man
with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is
never quite sure.
- Lee
Segall.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find
it.
-
Andre Gide.
There's more to the truth than just the facts.
If a
man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?
-
Stanislaw J. Lec.
The
obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems,
takes longer.
-
Edward R. Murrow.
Many
men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not
fish they are after.
-
Henry David Thoreau.
There
was once a man, Harry, called the Steppenwolf. He went on two
legs, wore clothes and was a human being, but nevertheless he
was in reality a wolf of the Steppes. He had learned a good deal
of all that people of a good intelligence can, and was a fairly
clever fellow. What he had not learned, however, was this: to
find contentment in himself and his own life.
-
Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf.
More
than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose
correctly.
-
Woody Allen.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone
wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more
than one night.'
-
Charles Schultz - Charlie Brown.
I'm a
philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about
being unemployed.
-
Bruce Lee.
Alice
came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where
do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I
don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
-
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.
No
matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life
within the confines of your head.
-
Terry Josephson.
Some
people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
-
Roger Miller.
One
day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And
he said, "Is it half full or half empty?" So I drank the water.
No more problem.
-
Alexander Jodorowsky.
You
become responsible forever for what you've tamed.
-
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince.
To
believe with certainty we must begin with doubting.
-
Stanislaus I of Poland.
When
we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe.
- John
Muir, My First Summer in the Sierra.
When I
study philosophical works I feel I am swallowing something which
I don't have in my mouth.
-
Albert Einstein.
The
point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not
to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical
that no one will believe it.
-
Bertrand Russell.
Leisure is the mother of Philosophy.
-
Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan, 1651.
If
everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the
drains, many of us will die of cholera.
- John
Rich.
Even a
clock that does not work is right twice a day.
-
Polish Proverb.
If you
chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.
-
Russian Proverb.
When
the student is ready, the master appears.
-
Buddhist Proverb.
Before enlightenment -
chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry
water.
- Zen Buddhist Proverb.
There’s an old story of a philosopher who runs when a bear
chases him and his friend. “It’s no good, you’ll never outrun a
bear,” says his friend. “I don’t have to,” replies the
philosopher, “I only have to outrun you.”
The
only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word
"fuck”.
Don't
miss the donut by looking through the hole.
Philosophy is nothing but common sense in a dress suit.
I'm
not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?
PHOTOGRAPHY
Some
hate broccoli, some hate bacon
I hate
having my picture taken.
How
can your family claim to love you
And
then demand a picture of you?
-
Ogden Nash.
Aperture.
A little hole in the camera through which a wife, child, dog,
cat pawing a ball of wool, wedding swan, Norman church,
interesting old alley, sailor sticking his head out of a
porthole, or Midlands couple who were the life and soul of the
party that last night in Ibiza, may be observed by the
photographer.
-
Keith Waterhouse.
If you
found yourself in a situation where you could either save a
drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
you use?
- Paul
Harvey.
Buying
a Nikon doesn't make you a photographer. It makes you a Nikon
owner.
PHYSICS
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe,
with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote
Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of
Strangers.
- Dave
Barry.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force
that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
- Dave
Barry.
We
believe that electricity exists, because the electric company
keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it
travels inside wires.
- Dave
Barry.
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three
categories - those that don't work, those that break down, and
those that get lost.
-
Russell Baker.
The
ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
-
Douglas Adams.
In the school I went to,
they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the
teacher out of the window.
- Rodney Dangerfield.
Gravity is a myth - the Earth sucks.
POETRY
A poem
is a form of refrigeration that stops language going bad.
-
Peter Porter.
If a
writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate: The 'Ode on
a Grecian Urn' is worth any number of old ladies.
-
William Faulkner.
All
poetry is like fish: if it’s fresh, it’s good; if it’s stale
it’s bad; and if you’re not certain, try it on the cat.
-
Osbert Sitwell.
Poets
aren’t very useful,
Because they aren't consumeful or produceful.
-
Ogden Nash.
And
now for something truly, absolutely and unabashedly stupid for
poetry lovers….
The
text of the poem follows:
<>!*”#
^”’$$-
!*=@$
%*<>~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED
The
poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:
Waka
waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret
quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang
splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.
Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
POLITICS,
POLITICIANS & GOVERNMENT
Whenever you have an efficient government you have a
dictatorship.
-
Harry S. Truman.
The
most brilliant propagandist technique will yield no success
unless one fundamental principle is borne in mind constantly...
it must confine itself to a few points and repeat them over and
over.
-
Joseph Goebbels - Nazi Minister of Propaganda.
A
government big enough to give you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything you have.
-
Thomas Jefferson.
The
secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his
audience so that they believe that they are as clever as he.
- Karl
Kraus.
Political ability is the ability to foretell what is going to
happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to
have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.
-
Winston Churchill.
The
major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their
podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would
notice.
- Dave
Barry.
The
question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What
is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national
television, that you have the ethical standards of a
slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
- Dave
Barry.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a
bridge even when there’s no river.
-
Nikita Krushchev.
Politicians who complain about the media are like ship’s
captains who complain about the sea.
-
Enoch Powell.
Government should be like the oil in an engine: A very thin
lubricating layer narrowly separating freely moving parts so
that they slide past one another smoothly without grinding. If
the lubricant itself creates friction or begins to eat into any
of the parts, then it has become corrosive and should be
replaced.
-
Jeffry R. Fisher.
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control
of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
- Pat
Paulsen.
Just
because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean
politics won’t take an interest in you.
-
Pericles (490 – 430 BC).
Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
-
Lester B. Pearson.
Isn’t
it nice to see a president that puts his hands on a Bible
instead of an intern again?
-
David Letterman.
Like a
toilet, the government should be flushed after each use.
-
Jeffry R. Fisher.
I
frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from
the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank
the Canadian people who came out to wave - with all five fingers
- for their hospitality.
-
George W. Bush.
Yellow
cat, black cat, as long as it catches mice, it's a good cat.
- Deng
Xiaoping, Leader of China.
All
politics are based on the indifference of the majority.
-
James Reston.
Show
me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart.
Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.
-
Winston Churchill.
President Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever
he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst,
that's the Secret Service.'
- Jay
Leno.
He is
like a female llama surprised in her bath.
-
Winston Churchill, referring to Charles de Gaulle.
An appeaser is one who
feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.
- Winston Churchill.
A
politician is a person with whose politics you don't agree; if
you agree with him he is a statesman.
-
David Lloyd George.
Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to
clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to
possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind
of tentative agreements...
- Dave
Barry.
The
primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting
directly from the U.S. Constitution - "to spew out paper."
- Dave
Barry.
I
don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in
the streets and frighten the horses.
-
Victor Hugo.
I once
said cynically of a politician, "He'll double-cross that bridge
when he comes to it."
-
Oscar Levant.
Being
in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart
enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's
important.
-
Eugene McCarthy.
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
- John
Kenneth Galbraith.
I am
extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
-
Margaret Thatcher.
I
don't know what I would do without (William) Whitelaw. Everyone
should have a Willy.
-
Margaret Thatcher.
I have no interest in
sailing around the world. Not that there is any lack of requests
for me to do so.
- Edward Heath.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from
the other.
-
Oscar Ameringer.
The
country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as
when a baby gets hold of a hammer.
- Will
Rogers.
The
only race which most people pick the winner of is an election.
-
Laurence Peter.
How
can you govern a country which has 426 varieties of cheese?
-
Charles De Gaulle.
Too
bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy
driving cabs and cutting hair.
-
George Burns.
Ninety
percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a
bad reputation.
-
Henry Kissinger.
The
government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under
5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
-
Woody Allen.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say
'elevator', we say 'lift'...they say 'President', we say 'stupid
psychopathic git'....
-
Alexi Sayle.
Politicians are like
monkeys. The higher they climb up the tree, the more revolting
are the parts they expose.
- Lloyd George.
All
you need to be the Vice President is a blue suit and a pulse.
Dick Cheney has shown that you don't even need the pulse.
- Jay
Leno.
Oh, I
don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
-
Lichty & Wagner.
Applause, mingled with boos and hisses, is about all that the
average voter is able or willing to contribute to public life.
-
Elmer Davis.
Nobody
believes a rumour here in Washington unless its officially
denied.
-
Edward Cheyfitz.
The
middle of the road is where the white line is - and that’s the
worst place to drive.
-
Robert Frost.
I must
follow the people. Am I not their leader?
-
Benjamin Disraeli.
I must
follow them. I am their leader.
-
Andrew Bonar Law, Conservative Prime Minister.
Vote
early and vote often.
- Al
Capone.
Democracy is the art of
running the circus from the monkey cage.
- H.L. Mencken.
It is
a good thing to follow the First Law of Holes; if you are in
one, stop digging.
-
Dennis Healey.
He who
slings mud, usually loses ground.
-
Adlai Stevenson.
Hell,
I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
- W.C.
Fields.
A
conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're
dead.
- Leo
Rosten.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
- Mark
Twain.
There
is no distinctly native American criminal class, save Congress.
- Mark
Twain.
Giving
money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.
- P.J.
O'Rourke.
Just
because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you.
-
Pericles (430 BC)
The
Democrats are the party that says government will make you
smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.
The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work
and then they get elected and prove it.
- P.J.
O'Rourke.
Q.
Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A.
Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.
-
Woody Allen.
Don't
tell my mother I'm in politics - she thinks I play the piano in
a whorehouse.
In
America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you
take.
-
Adlai Stevenson.
I
offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies
about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
-
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
Every
two years the American politics industry fills the airwaves with
the most virulent, scurrilous, wall-to-wall character
assassination of nearly every political practitioner in the
country - and then declares itself puzzled that America has lost
trust in its politicians.
-
Charles Krauthammer.
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
- Doug
Larson.
Politicians say they're beefing up our economy. Most don't know
beef from pork.
-
Harold Lowman.
The
politicians were talking themselves red, white and blue in the
face.
-
Clare Boothe Luce.
During
a campaign the air is full of speeches - and vice versa.
Politics is war without bloodshed, while war is politics with
bloodshed.
- Mao
Zedong.
If you
can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
-
Harry S. Truman.
Take
our politicians: they’re a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is
now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school
debate, with an encyclopaedia of clichés for the first prize.
- Saul
Bellow.
How
come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?
-
Nigel Rees.
Giving
money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke.
The
House of Lords is the British Outer Mongolia for retired
politicians.
- Tony
Benn.
The
House of Lords is a model of how to care for the elderly.
-
Frank Field.
Man
will never be free until the last king is strangled with the
entrails of the last priest.
-
Denis Diderot.
A
government that is big enough to give you all you want is big
enough to take it all away.
-
Barry Goldwater.
Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and
adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what
they want and their kids pay for it.
-
Richard Lamm.
If you
want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavour of
today's statecraft.) Instead, read selected portions of the
Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the
organizations with titles beginning with the word National.
-
George Will.
People
often say that, in a democracy, decisions are made by a majority
of the people. Of course, that is not true. Decisions are made
by a majority of those who make themselves heard and who vote -
a very different thing.
-
Walter H. Judd.
People
come to Washington believing it's the centre of power. I know I
did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a
steering wheel that's not connected to the engine.
-
Richard Goodwin.
Young
lovers and young nations face the same problem: after orgasm,
what?
-
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.
Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by
Representative Dick Armey, who when asked, if he were in the
President’s (Clinton’s) place, would he resign, responded: “If I
were in the President’s place I would not get a chance to
resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs.
Armey standing over me saying, “How do I reload this damn
thing?”
Don't
vote, it only encourages them.
Rob
Mugabe before Mugabe robs you.
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly
and for the same reason.
George
Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous
administration for his troubles.
The
trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
For
every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Married politicians do it to wife and country.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should
both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Brain
not found. Run for office? (Y/N)
POVERTY
I used
to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was
needy. Then they told me it was self defeating to think of
myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that
underprivileged was over-used. I was disadvantaged. I still
don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.
-
Jules Feiffer.
The
law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the
poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
-
Anatole France.
PRACTICALITY
There
is one quality more important than "know-how" and we cannot
accuse the United States of any undue amount of it. This is
"know-what" by which we determine not only how to accomplish our
purposes, but what our purposes are to be.
-
Norbert Wiener, The Human Use of Human Beings.
In
Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare,
terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo
da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly
love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did
they produce? - the cuckoo clock.
-
Graham Greene & Orson Wells, The Third Man, movie.
Map
out your future, but do it in pencil.
- Jon
Bon Jovi.
When
solving problems, dig at the roots instead of just hacking at
the leaves.
-
Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book.
PREGNANCY
Life
is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
- Rita
Rudner.
There
are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the
right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the
cat can't get it.
-
Irena Chalmers.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman
giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
- Sam
Levenson.
PREJUDICE
I am free of all
prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- W.C. Fields.
I
don’t like principles. I prefer prejudices.
-
Oscar Wilde.
I'm
very well balanced. I have a chip on both shoulders.
- W.C.
Fields.
Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom.
-
Merry Browne.
The
test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of
tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
-
Ralph W. Sockman.
If we
were to wake up some morning and find that
everyone was
the same race, creed and colour, we would find
some other causes for prejudice by noon.
-
George Aiken.
Prejudice is the child of ignorance.
-
William Hazlitt.
O
Lord, help me not to despise or oppose what I do not understand.
-
William Penn.
Judge me all you want,
just keep the verdict to yourself.
- From a Winston
advertisement.
Racial
prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
If
only closed minds came with closed mouths.
‘Skinheads are basted’
- ah, yes, indeed, they
frequently are, but wrapped in foil and slowly roasted with just
a hint of marjoram in their own juices - ah, what piquancy!
PRINCIPLES
Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
- Mark
Twain.
I like
persons better than principles and I like persons with no
principles better than anything else in the world.
-
Oscar Wilde.
You
can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a
principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
- W.
Somerset Maugham.
Those
are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
-
Groucho Marx.
There
is no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral
principle.
PROBLEMS
There’s no problem so big or complicated it can’t be run away
from.
When
confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question: How would the lone ranger handle
this?
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
I
don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
The
solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
PROCRASTINATION
One of
the greatest labour-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.
-
Vincent T. Foss.
It is
an undoubted truth, that the less one has to do, the less time
one finds to do it in.
- Earl
of Chesterfield.
Work
expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.
- C.
Northcote Parkinson, 1958 (Parkinson’s Law)
Procrastination is opportunity's assassin.
-
Victor Kiam.
There
are two kinds of people: those who finish what they start and so
on.
-
Robert Byrne.
My
mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you
procrastinate."
I
said, "Just wait."
- Judy
Tenuta.
Only
Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.
The
sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.
The
best way to get something done is to begin.
Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good,
but in the end you're only screwing yourself.
Procrastinate now.
PROGRESS
All
progress is based on the universal innate desire on the part of
every organism to live beyond its income.
-
Samuel Butler.
The
reason that men oppose progress is not that they hate progress
but they love inertia.
-
Ellert Hubbard.
Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on far
too long.
-
Ogden Nash.
Carnation milk is the best in the land;
Here I
sit with a can in my hand -
No
tits to pull, no hay to pitch,
You
just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
A lot
of what appears to be progress is just so much technological
rococo.
A
turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.
The
course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
PROVERBS /
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
When
written in Chinese the word "crisis" is composed of two
characters - one represents danger and the other represents
opportunity.
- John
F. Kennedy, address, 12 April 1959.
Damaged people are
dangerous. They know they can survive.
- Josephine Hart
Chop
your own wood, and it will warm you twice.
-
Henry Ford.
A
proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
-
Miguel de Cervantes.
See
everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little.
- Pope
John XXIII.
Enjoy
when you can, and endure when you must.
-
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
Pick
battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
-
Jonathan Kozel.
Tough
and funny and a little bit kind: that is as near to perfection
as a human being can be.
-
Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook.
Every
one should keep a mental wastepaper basket and the older he
grows the more things he will consign to it - torn up to
irrecoverable tatters.
-
Samuel Butler.
The
day will happen whether or not you get up.
- John
Ciardi.
Nature
gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever
since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the
one he used most.
-
George R. Kirkpatrick.
The
difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little
extra.
-
Jimmy Johnson.
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.
-
Peter Kay.
Never
hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in
the room.
-
Winston Churchill.
Never
believe in mirrors or newspapers.
- Tom
Stoppard.
Mix a
little foolishness with your serious plans: it's lovely to be
silly at the right moment.
-
Horace.
A man
who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in
no other way.
- Mark
Twain.
A
little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
- H.
H. Munro (Saki).
In a
boat at sea one of the men began to bore a hole in the bottom of
the boat. On being remonstrating with, he answered, "I am only
boring under my own seat." "Yes," said his companions, "but when
the sea rushes in we shall all be drowned with you."
-
Talmud.
Just
be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your
bowels, pass water, and when you're tired, go and lie down. The
ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand.
-
Bruce Lee.
An
infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to
be devoured.
-
Konrad Adenauer.
Give
me chastity and continence, but not yet.
- St.
Augustine of Hippo - Bishop of Hippo.
While
seeking revenge, dig two graves - one for yourself.
- Doug
Horton.
Am I
not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
-
Abraham Lincoln.
Don't
get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes
you walk funny.
-
Kathryn Carpenter.
Never
saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from
it.
-
Stanislaw Lec.
A man
is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to
let alone.
-
Henry David Thoreau.
Your
future depends on many things, but mostly on you.
-
Frank Tyger.
Be
nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your
way down.
- W.
Migner.
The
reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
-
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
It is
easier to pull down than to build up.
-
Latin Proverb.
Keep
company with good men, and you’ll increase their number.
-
Italian proverb.
When
the ship has sunk everyone knows how she might have been saved.
-
Italian proverb.
Smooth
seas do not make skilful sailors.
-
African Proverb.
Don't
look where you fall, but where you slipped.
-
African Proverb.
Love
thy neighbour, but do not pull down thy hedge.
-
English proverb.
Before
I judge my neighbour, let me walk a mile in his moccasins.
-
Sioux proverb.
A girl
who can’t dance says the band can’t play.
-
Yiddish proverb.
Never
try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the
pig.
-
Proverb.
Don't
eat yellow snow.
Any
day above ground is a good one.
Beware
of the most dangerous person in business - the articulate
incompetent.
An eel
held by the tail is not yet caught.
Never
ask the barber if you need a haircut.
Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you
promise.
Never
slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
A
bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Don't
interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Aspire
to inspire before you expire.
Never
argue with a dragon, for thou art crunchy and goest well with
cheese.
Fill
what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
Be
Silly. Be honest. Be kind.
Keep
skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life
is simpler when you plough around the stump.
Don't
sell your mule to buy a plough.
Most
of the stuff people worry about never happens.
When
you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Give
all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go
into a "Pearl Harbor File."
When
all else fails, look cute.
Eat
one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
Don’t
go huntin’ with a guy named Chug-A-Lug.
Aspire
to a lower level of harm.
Remember - if you're sitting at a poker table and you don't know
who the sucker is, it's you.
Cross
the river THEN insult the alligators.
Don't
squat with your spurs on.
Always
use your enemy’s hand to catch a snake.
If
life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys.
Timing
has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If it
don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
Always
drink upstream from the herd.
Good
judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
Lettin'
the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back.
The
quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back into your pocket.
Do not
attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps.
The
only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
He who
always ploughs a straight furrow is in a rut.
PSYCHIATRY &
PSYCHOANALYSIS
Freud
is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother.
-
Germaine Greer.
I want
to make one brief statement about psychoanalysis: "Fuck Dr.
Freud."
-
Oscar Levant.
Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.
- G.K.
Chesterton.
My
therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to
finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M
and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
- Dave
Barry.
Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they’re complex.
- S.N.
Behrman.
If you
talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
schizophrenia.
-
Thomas Szasz.
Psychoanalysis is the disease it purports to cure.
- Karl
Kraus.
I do
not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple
reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become
disturbed.
-
James Thurber.
Let
the credulous and the vulgar continue to believe that all mental
woes can be cured by a daily application of old Greek myths to
their private parts.
-
Vladimir Nabokov.
They
pick your dreams as though they were your pockets.
- Karl
Kraus.
A
neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic
is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the one who
collects the rent.
-
Jerome Lawrence.
Anyone
who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-
Samuel Goldwyn.
After
twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo Ingles.'
-
Ronnie Shakes.
A
psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies Bergère and looks
at the audience.
- Dr.
Mervyn Stockwood.
Did
you hear what the white rat said to the other white rat?….I’ve
got that psychologist so well trained that every time I ring the
bell he brings me something to eat.
-
David Mercer.
I took
a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got
100.
-
Woody Allen.
I
don't go for this auto-cannibalism. Very damaging.
-
Peter O'Toole, on psychoanalysis.
A
psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks
for nothing.
- Joey
Adams.
There
is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben
Williams.
I was
seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unseasonable
Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the
night.
-
James Thurber.
Psychology keeps trying to vindicate human nature. History keeps
undermining the effort.
-
Mason Cooley.
If you
cut a thing up, of course it will smell. Hence, nothing raises
such an infernal stink as human psychology.
- D.H.
Lawrence.
A wonderful discovery,
psychoanalysis. Makes quite simple people feel they're complex.
- S.N. Behrman.
Men
will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are
the maddest of all.
-
Voltaire.
A lot
of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a
body saying that it needs work.
-
Geoffrey Norman.
My
psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second
opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
The
hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing,
feeding, and mating.
-
Unknown psychology professor.
Psychiatrists say 1 in 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3
friends. If they’re okay, you’re it.
A guy
walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
I
almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s
easy to criticise, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid
too.
There
was a young man from Toledo
Who
travelled around incognito,
The
reason he did
Was to
bolster his id
While
appeasing his savage libido.
You go
to a psychiatrist when you’re slightly cracked and keep going
until you’re completely broke.
A man
was attacked and left bleeding in a ditch. Two sociologists
passed by and one said to the other, ‘We must find the man who
did this - he needs help.’
A
Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A
magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist
pulls habits out of rats.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
the earth.
I
refuse to star in your psychodrama.
Why do
psychics have to ask you for your name?
Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
PUNCTUALITY
I have
noticed that people who are late are often so much jollier than
the people who have to wait for them.
- E.V.
Lucas.
I’ve
been on a calendar, but never on time.
-
Marilyn Monroe.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
-
Evelyn Waugh.
Punctuality is something that, if you have it, there’s often
no-one around to share it with you.
You
can't be late until you show up.
PURITANISM
Puritanism . . . helps us enjoy our misery while we are
inflicting it on others.
-
Marcel Ophuls.
PURPOSE
The
purpose of life is a life of purpose.
-
Robert Byrne.
Great
minds have purposes, others have wishes.
-
Washington Irving.
We should all be obliged
to appear before a board every five years, and justify our
existence... on pain of liquidation.
- George Bernard Shaw.
When a
man does not know what harbour he is making for, no wind is the
right wind.
-
Seneca.
It's
hard to remember that your initial goal was to drain the swamp
when you're up to your butt in alligators.
-
Wayne Saxon.
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