The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations P

 

 

PALINDROMES

(Reads the same both ways)

 

AH, SATAN SEES NATASHA.

 

ANNE, I VOTE MORE CARS RACE ROME TO VIENNA.

 

ARE WE NOT DRAWN ONWARD, WE FEW, DRAWN ONWARD TO NEW ERA?

 

A TOYOTA! RACE FAST... SAFE CAR: A TOYOTA.

 

CAMPUS MOTTO: BOTTOMS UP, MAC.

 

DENNIS SINNED.

 

DOC NOTE: I DISSENT. A FAST NEVER PREVENTS A FATNESS. I DIET ON COD.

 

DO GEESE SEE GOD?

 

DOGMA: I AM GOD.

 

DON'T NOD.

 

GO DELIVER A DARE, VILE DOG!

 

GOD SAW I WAS DOG.

 

GO HANG A SALAMI; I'M A LASAGNA HOG!

 

KAY, A RED NUDE, PEEPED UNDER A YAK.

 

MADAM, IN EDEN I'M ADAM.

 

MAY A MOODY BABY DOOM A YAM?

 

MURDER FOR A JAR OF RED RUM.

 

NEVER ODD OR EVEN.

 

NO, IT NEVER PROPAGATES IF I SET A GAP OR PREVENTION.

 

NO TRACE; NOT ONE CARTON.

 

OOZY RAT IN A SANITARY ZOO.

 

RATS LIVE ON NO EVIL STAR.

 

SATAN, OSCILLATE MY METALLIC SONATAS!

 

SOME MEN INTERPRET NINE MEMOS.

 

STRAW? NO, TOO STUPID A FAD; I PUT SOOT ON WARTS.

 

SUMS ARE NOT SET AS A TEST ON ERASMUS.

 

TOO BAD – I HID A BOOT.

 

WAS IT ELIOT'S TOILET I SAW?


PARANOIA

 

Just Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean That They Aren’t Out There To Get You.

- Badge, 1970s.

 

Psychiatrist: (to patient): You’re suffering from paranoia. Anyone’ll tell you.

- Hector Breeze.

 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn’t met me yet.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

PARENTS & PARENTING

 

Father: (to son): Don’t forget - I fought at El Alamein so you could be free to worry about the collapse of the eco-system!

- Hector Breeze.

 

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

- Harry S. Truman.

 

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.

- John Wilmot.

 

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

- Phyllis Diller.

 

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

- Haim Ginott.

 

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent.

- Bette Davis.

 

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

- Wendy Liebman.

 

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.

- Robert A. Heinlein.

 

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.

- Hodding Carter, Jr.

 

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895.

 

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.

- Jean Kerr.

 

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

- Red Buttons.

 

Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

- Dave Barry.

 

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted.

- George A. Dorsey.

 

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

- P.J. O'Rourke.

 

When you teach your son, you teach your son's son.

- The Talmud.

 

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.

- Bill Cosby.

 

There are no illegitimate children - only illegitimate parents.

- Leon R. Yankwich.

 

Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in quiet.

- Bill Cosby.

 

A child, like your stomach, doesn't need all you can afford to give it.

- Frank A. Clark.

 

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

- Bill Cosby, Fatherhood.

 

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

- Billy Cosby, Fatherhood.

 

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

- Bill Cosby, Fatherhood.

 

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away from children."

- Susan Savannah.

 

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

- Peter Kay.

 

PARKER, DOROTHY (Quotes & anecdotes)

 

She often vented her contempt for pretension and self-importance on Clare Booth Luce, and their encounters produced two famous Parkerisms: When told that Mrs. Luce was always kind to her inferiors, Mrs. Parker asked, “Where does she find them?” On another occasion the two women arrived simultaneously at the door of a nightclub. “Age before beauty,” was all Mrs. Luce could muster. “And pearls before swine,” said Mrs. Parker as she glided through the doorway.

 

On hearing that a British actress who was notorious for her numerous love affairs had broken her leg, Mrs. Parker quipped, “he must have done it sliding down a barrister.”

 

Oscar Levant once asked her if she took sleeping pills, and she replied, “In a big bowl with sugar and cream.”

 

When told that American President Coolidge had died, asked "How can they tell?"

 

She is credited with saying at a party, "One more drink and I'll be under the host."

 

When Claire Booth Luce told Dorothy Parker, "I really can't come to your party, I can't bear fools," Mrs. Parker answered, "That's strange, your mother could."

 

She once said of the Yale Prom: If all those sweet young co-eds were laid end to end, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.

 

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.

- in reply to her editor who was bugging her for her belated work while she was on her honeymoon.

 

Horticulture: You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think.

 

As I grow older and older,

And totter toward the tomb,
I find that I care less and less
Who goes to bed with whom.

 

Men seldom make passes

At girls who wear glasses.

 

By the time you swear you're his,

Shivering and sighing,

And he vows his passion is

Infinite, undying

Lady, make a note of this:

One of you is lying.

 

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Roumania.

 

(Of suicide)

Razors pain you, rivers are damp;

Acids stain you, and drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful, nooses give;

Gas smells awful; you might as well live.

 

If with the literate, I am

Impelled to try an epigram,

I never seek to take the credit,

We all assume that Oscar said it.

 

The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature.

 

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

 

Tonstant Weader fwowed up.

- Dorothy Parker, review of Whinnie the Pooh in her column Constant Reader.

 

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

 

I require only three things from a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

 

The two most beautiful words in the English language are “Cheque enclosed”.

 

PARTIES

 

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

- P.J. O'Rourke.

 

Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both.

- David Brown, quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes.

 

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

- Ann Landers.

 

Like other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk. When we had reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult to get down again without stumbling.

- George Gordon, Lord Byron.

 

Drink, and dance and laugh and lie,

Love the reeling midnight through,

For tomorrow we shall die!

(But, alas, we never do.)

- Dorothy Parker.

 

She had heard someone say something about an Independent Labour Party, and was furious that she had not been asked.

- Evelyn Waugh.

 

PASSION & EMOTIONS

 

Never forget what a man says to you when he’s angry.

- Henry Ward Beecher.

 

A man in a passion rides a mad horse.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

An irritable man is like a hedgehog rolled up the wrong way, tormenting himself with his own prickles.

- Thomas Hood.

 

Peace of mind is better than giving them a piece of your mind.

- J.P. McEvoy.

 

This is a play about .... jealousy and self-deception. And greed and envy and lust and gluttony. Just an average family Christmas.

- Alan Ayckbourn.

 

Anger is not only inevitable; it is also necessary. It’s absence means indifference, the worst of all human failings.

- Arthur Lackridge

 

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

Passion, though a bad regulator, is a powerful spring.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.

- Yves Saint Laurent.

 

The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

- Alan Patrick Herbert.

 

The same passions in man and woman nonetheless differ in tempo; hence man and woman do not cease misunderstanding one another.

- Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil.

 

Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark.

- Amiel, Journal.

 

Every civilization is, among other things, an arrangement for domesticating the passions and setting them to do useful work.

- Aldous Huxley.

 

I hate people who play Bridge as though they were at a funeral, and knew their feet were getting wet.

- W.Somerset Maugham.

 

You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion.

- G.K. Chesterton.

 

He spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

The world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.

- Horace Walpole.

 

There is nothing so unsatisfactory as a desire satisfied.

- Lambert Jeffries.

 

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

People who never get carried away should be.

- Malcolm Forbes.

 

In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys, and PMS, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?

 

Support mental health or I’ll kill you.

 

PATIENCE

 

How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?

- Paul Sweeney.

 

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.

- Mac McCleary.

 

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

- Margaret Thatcher.

 

Give me patience. RIGHT NOW!

 

PATRIOTISM

 

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

- Kin Hubbard.

 

Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.

- George Jean Nathan.

 

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

When you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

- Bill Vaughan.

 

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

- Arthur C. Clarke.

 

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!

- Albert Einstein.

 

To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography.

- George Santayana.

 

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.

- Albert Einstein, The World As I See It.

 

You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

"My country, right or wrong" is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

- G. K. Chesterton.

 

Nationalism is a silly cock crowing on his own dunghill.

- Richard Aldington.

 

Patriotism is a kind of religion; it is the egg from which wars are hatched.

- Guy de Maupassant.

 

Dissent is the highest form of patriotism
- Thomas Jefferson.

 

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

 

Blind faith in bad leadership is not patriotism.

 

PEACE

 

Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

- Attributed to both Golda Meir and Indira Gandhi.

 

Give peace a aaah-argggghh!

 

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

 

PERFECTION

 

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

- Antoine de Saint Exupery.

 

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands ... but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

- W. Somerset Maugham.

 

Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

 

To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

- Elbert Hubbard.

 

Does 'anal-retentive' have a hyphen?

- Alison Bechdel, Dykes to Watch Out For.

 

The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Unless I accept my faults I will most certainly doubt my virtues.

- Hugh Prather.

 

No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers.

 

PERSPECTIVES

 

Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you.

- Richard Brinsley Sheridan.

 

Chaos is a name for any order that produces confusion in our minds.

- George Santayana.

 

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.

- Denis Waitely.

 

Each act is virgin, even the repeated ones.

- René Char.

 

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

- Anaïs Nin.

 

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.

- Albert Einstein.

 

If one man offers you democracy and another offers you a bag of grain, at what stage of starvation will you prefer the grain to the vote?

- Bertrand Russell.

 

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush.

- Dawn French.

 

To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a wild Flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour.

- William Blake, Auguries of Innocence.

 

It is seldom indeed that one parts on good terms, because if one were on good terms one would not part.

- Marcel Proust, The Fugitive, Remembrance of Things Past.

 

The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food.

- Russian Proverb.

 

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

- Ashleigh Brilliant.

 

A boil is no big deal. On someone else's neck.

- Jewish Saying.

 

I thank Thee first because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth because it was I who was robbed, and not I who robbed.

- Matthew Henry.

 

Retreat, hell! We're just advancing in another direction.

- Oliver Prince Smith.

 

If you cry "Forward," you must make plain in what direction to go.

- Anton Chekov.

 

With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another.

- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, Notebook L, Aphorisms.

 

I can't say as ever I was lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

- Daniel Boone.

 

It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem.

- G.K. Chesterton.

 

I know what I have given you. I do not know what you have received.

- Antonio Porchia, Voces.

 

An exhibitionist is nothing without a voyeur.

- S. Sachs.

 

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

- Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

 

Now, what is it which makes a scene interesting? If you see a man coming through a doorway, it means nothing. If you see him coming through a window - that is at once interesting.

- Billy Wilder.

 

To really enjoy the better things in life, one must first have experienced the things they are better than.

- Oscar Holmolka.

 

We have them just where they want us.

- James T. Kirk.

 

Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

People who look through keyholes are apt to get the idea that most things are keyhole shaped.

 

If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade.

 

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

 

Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

 

There are always three sides to every story: your side, the other side, and the truth.

 

What is a promiscuous person? It is usually someone who is getting more sex than you are.

- Victor Lownes, Playboy.

 

A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.

- Wendy Kaminer.

 

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

- Samuel Butler.

 

They've got us surrounded again, the poor bastards.

- Creighton W. Abrams.

 

The reverse side also has a reverse side.

- Japanese Proverb.

 

At high tide the fish eat ants; at low tide the ants eat fish.

- Thai Proverb.

 

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.

 

PEOPLE

 

People who take time to be alone usually have depth, originality, and quiet reserve.

- John Miller.

 

Cute teenagers exist only on television, I suspect. I know there are none in my neighbourhood.

- Robert MacKenzie.

 

Eccentricity is one of the hallmarks of strong characters and original minds.

- Andrew Garve.

 

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

Half the people you know are below average.

 

There are three kinds of people...

... Those who can count and those who can't.

 

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

PERSEVERENCE

 

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt.

 

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.

- Albert Einstein.

 

With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.

- Thomas Foxwell Buxton.

 

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.

 

The race is not always to the swift... but to those who keep on running.

 

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.

 

When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.

 

Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.

 

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

 

PHILOSOPHY

 

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

- Theodore Sturgeon.

 

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce.

 

The difference between politics and statesmanship is philosophy.

- Will Durant.

 

When all else fails, there's always delusion.

- Conan O'Brien.

 

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian. The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about the philosopher being like a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat – which wasn’t there. “That may be,” said the philosopher; “but a theologian would have found it.”

- Julian Huxley.

 

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

- Alexander Smith.

 

I don't know why we are here but I'm pretty sure that its not in order to enjoy ourselves.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein, German philosopher.

 

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.

- Branch Rickey.

 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.

 

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.

- Lee Segall.

 

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

- Andre Gide.

 

There's more to the truth than just the facts.

 

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

- Stanislaw J. Lec.

 

The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.

- Edward R. Murrow.

 

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after.

- Henry David Thoreau.

 

There was once a man, Harry, called the Steppenwolf. He went on two legs, wore clothes and was a human being, but nevertheless he was in reality a wolf of the Steppes. He had learned a good deal of all that people of a good intelligence can, and was a fairly clever fellow. What he had not learned, however, was this: to find contentment in himself and his own life.

- Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf.

 

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

- Woody Allen.

 

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

- Charles Schultz - Charlie Brown.

 

I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

- Bruce Lee.

 

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

 

No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.

- Terry Josephson.

 

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

- Roger Miller.

 

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, "Is it half full or half empty?" So I drank the water. No more problem.

- Alexander Jodorowsky.

 

You become responsible forever for what you've tamed.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince.

 

To believe with certainty we must begin with doubting.

- Stanislaus I of Poland.

 

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

- John Muir, My First Summer in the Sierra.

 

When I study philosophical works I feel I am swallowing something which I don't have in my mouth.

- Albert Einstein.

 

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

Leisure is the mother of Philosophy.

- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan, 1651.

 

If everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the drains, many of us will die of cholera.

- John Rich.

 

Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day.

- Polish Proverb.

 

If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.

- Russian Proverb.

 

When the student is ready, the master appears.

- Buddhist Proverb.

 

Before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water.

- Zen Buddhist Proverb.

 

There’s an old story of a philosopher who runs when a bear chases him and his friend. “It’s no good, you’ll never outrun a bear,” says his friend. “I don’t have to,” replies the philosopher, “I only have to outrun you.”

 

The only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck”.

 

Don't miss the donut by looking through the hole.

 

Philosophy is nothing but common sense in a dress suit.

 

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

 

PHOTOGRAPHY

 

Some hate broccoli, some hate bacon

I hate having my picture taken.

How can your family claim to love you

And then demand a picture of you?

- Ogden Nash.

 

Aperture. A little hole in the camera through which a wife, child, dog, cat pawing a ball of wool, wedding swan, Norman church, interesting old alley, sailor sticking his head out of a porthole, or Midlands couple who were the life and soul of the party that last night in Ibiza, may be observed by the photographer.

- Keith Waterhouse.

 

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?

- Paul Harvey.

 

Buying a Nikon doesn't make you a photographer. It makes you a Nikon owner.

 

PHYSICS

 

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

- Dave Barry.

 

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

- Dave Barry.

 

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

- Dave Barry.

 

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories - those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.

- Russell Baker.

 

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

- Douglas Adams.

 

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

Gravity is a myth - the Earth sucks.

 

POETRY

 

A poem is a form of refrigeration that stops language going bad.

- Peter Porter.

 

If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate: The 'Ode on a Grecian Urn' is worth any number of old ladies.

- William Faulkner.

 

All poetry is like fish: if it’s fresh, it’s good; if it’s stale it’s bad; and if you’re not certain, try it on the cat.

- Osbert Sitwell.

 

Poets aren’t very useful,

Because they aren't consumeful or produceful.

- Ogden Nash.

 

And now for something truly, absolutely and unabashedly stupid for poetry lovers….

 

The text of the poem follows:

 

<>!*”#

^”’$$-

!*=@$

%*<>~#4

&[]../

|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

 

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

 

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,

Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,

Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,

Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,

Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,

Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

 

Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.
 
A backward poet writes inverse.
 
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

POLITICS, POLITICIANS & GOVERNMENT

 

Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.

- Harry S. Truman.

 

The most brilliant propagandist technique will yield no success unless one fundamental principle is borne in mind constantly... it must confine itself to a few points and repeat them over and over.

- Joseph Goebbels - Nazi Minister of Propaganda.

 

A government big enough to give you everything  you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

- Thomas Jefferson.

 

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they believe that they are as clever as he.

- Karl Kraus.

 

Political ability is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.

- Winston Churchill.

 

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

- Dave Barry.

 

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

- Dave Barry.

 

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there’s no river.

- Nikita Krushchev.

 

Politicians who complain about the media are like ship’s captains who complain about the sea.

- Enoch Powell.

 

Government should be like the oil in an engine: A very thin lubricating layer narrowly separating freely moving parts so that they slide past one another smoothly without grinding. If the lubricant itself creates friction or begins to eat into any of the parts, then it has become corrosive and should be replaced.

- Jeffry R. Fisher.

 

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

- Pat Paulsen.

 

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.

- Pericles (490 – 430 BC).

 

Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.

- Lester B. Pearson.

 

Isn’t it nice to see a president that puts his hands on a Bible instead of an intern again?

- David Letterman.

 

Like a toilet, the government should be flushed after each use.

- Jeffry R. Fisher.

 

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave - with all five fingers - for their hospitality.

- George W. Bush.

 

Yellow cat, black cat, as long as it catches mice, it's a good cat.

- Deng Xiaoping, Leader of China.

 

All politics are based on the indifference of the majority.

- James Reston.

 

Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

- Winston Churchill.

 

President Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst, that's the Secret Service.'

- Jay Leno.

 

He is like a female llama surprised in her bath.

- Winston Churchill, referring to Charles de Gaulle.

 

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.

- Winston Churchill.

 

A politician is a person with whose politics you don't agree; if you agree with him he is a statesman.

- David Lloyd George.

 

Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...

- Dave Barry.

 

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - "to spew out paper."

- Dave Barry.

 

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

- Victor Hugo.

 

I once said cynically of a politician, "He'll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it."

- Oscar Levant.

 

Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

- Eugene McCarthy.

 

Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.

- John Kenneth Galbraith.

 

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

- Margaret Thatcher.

 

I don't know what I would do without (William) Whitelaw. Everyone should have a Willy.

- Margaret Thatcher.

 

I have no interest in sailing around the world. Not that there is any lack of requests for me to do so.

- Edward Heath.

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

- Oscar Ameringer.

 

The country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when a baby gets hold of a hammer.

- Will Rogers.

 

The only race which most people pick the winner of is an election.

- Laurence Peter.

 

How can you govern a country which has 426 varieties of cheese?

- Charles De Gaulle.

 

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

- George Burns.

 

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

- Henry Kissinger.

 

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

- Woody Allen.

 

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'...they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'....

- Alexi Sayle.

 

Politicians are like monkeys. The higher they climb up the tree, the more revolting are the parts they expose.

- Lloyd George.

 

All you need to be the Vice President is a blue suit and a pulse. Dick Cheney has shown that you don't even need the pulse.

- Jay Leno.

 

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

- Lichty & Wagner.

 

Applause, mingled with boos and hisses, is about all that the average voter is able or willing to contribute to public life.

- Elmer Davis.

 

Nobody believes a rumour here in Washington unless its officially denied.

- Edward Cheyfitz.

 

The middle of the road is where the white line is - and that’s the worst place to drive.

- Robert Frost.

 

I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?

- Benjamin Disraeli.

 

I must follow them. I am their leader.

- Andrew Bonar Law, Conservative Prime Minister.

 

Vote early and vote often.

- Al Capone.

 

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

It is a good thing to follow the First Law of Holes; if you are in one, stop digging.

- Dennis Healey.

 

He who slings mud, usually loses ground.

- Adlai Stevenson.

 

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

- W.C. Fields.

 

A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.

- Leo Rosten.

 

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....  But then I repeat myself.

- Mark Twain.

 

There is no distinctly native American criminal  class, save Congress.

- Mark Twain.

 

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

- P.J. O'Rourke.

 

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean  politics won't take an interest in you.

- Pericles (430 BC)

 

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

- P.J. O'Rourke.

 

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?

A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.

- Woody Allen.

 

Don't tell my mother I'm in politics - she thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse.

 

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

- Adlai Stevenson.

 

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

- Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

 

Every two years the American politics industry fills the airwaves with the most virulent, scurrilous, wall-to-wall character assassination of nearly every political practitioner in the country - and then declares itself puzzled that America has lost trust in its politicians.

- Charles Krauthammer.

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

- Doug Larson.

 

Politicians say they're beefing up our economy. Most don't know beef from pork.

- Harold Lowman.

 

The politicians were talking themselves red, white and blue in the face.

- Clare Boothe Luce.

 

During a campaign the air is full of speeches - and vice versa.

 

Politics is war without bloodshed, while war is politics with bloodshed.

- Mao Zedong.

 

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

- Harry S. Truman.

 

Take our politicians: they’re a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopaedia of clichés for the first prize.

- Saul Bellow.

 

How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?

- Nigel Rees.

 

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke.

 

The House of Lords is the British Outer Mongolia for retired politicians.

- Tony Benn.

 

The House of Lords is a model of how to care for the elderly.

- Frank Field.

 

Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.

- Denis Diderot.

 

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

- Barry Goldwater.

 

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.

- Richard Lamm.

 

If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavour of today's statecraft.) Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word National.

- George Will.

 

People often say that, in a democracy, decisions are made by a majority of the people. Of course, that is not true. Decisions are made by a majority of those who make themselves heard and who vote - a very different thing.

- Walter H. Judd.

 

People come to Washington believing it's the centre of power. I know I did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a steering wheel that's not connected to the engine.

- Richard Goodwin.

 

Young lovers and young nations face the same problem: after orgasm, what?

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked, if he were in the President’s (Clinton’s) place, would he resign, responded: “If I were in the President’s place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, “How do I reload this damn thing?”

 

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

 

Rob Mugabe before Mugabe robs you.

 

Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.

 

George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles.

 

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

 

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

 

Married politicians do it to wife and country.

 

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

 

Brain not found. Run for office? (Y/N)

 

POVERTY

 

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was over-used. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.

- Jules Feiffer.

 

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

- Anatole France.

 

PRACTICALITY

 

There is one quality more important than "know-how" and we cannot accuse the United States of any undue amount of it. This is "know-what" by which we determine not only how to accomplish our purposes, but what our purposes are to be.

- Norbert Wiener, The Human Use of Human Beings.

 

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? - the cuckoo clock.

- Graham Greene & Orson Wells, The Third Man, movie.

 

Map out your future, but do it in pencil.

- Jon Bon Jovi.

 

When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of just hacking at the leaves.

- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book.

 

PREGNANCY

 

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

- Rita Rudner.

 

There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it.

- Irena Chalmers.

 

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

- Sam Levenson.

 

PREJUDICE

 

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I don’t like principles. I prefer prejudices.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

I'm very well balanced. I have a chip on both shoulders.

- W.C. Fields.

 

Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom.

- Merry Browne.

 

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.

- Ralph W. Sockman.

 

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and colour, we would find some other causes for prejudice by noon.

- George Aiken.

 

Prejudice is the child of ignorance.

- William Hazlitt.

 

O Lord, help me not to despise or oppose what I do not understand.

- William Penn.

 

Judge me all you want, just keep the verdict to yourself.

- From a Winston advertisement.

 

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.

 

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

 

‘Skinheads are basted’

- ah, yes, indeed, they frequently are, but wrapped in foil and slowly roasted with just a hint of marjoram in their own juices - ah, what piquancy!

 

PRINCIPLES

 

Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.

- Mark Twain.

 

I like persons better than principles and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.

- W. Somerset Maugham.

 

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

- Groucho Marx.

 

There is no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.

 

PROBLEMS

 

There’s no problem so big or complicated it can’t be run away from.

 

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question: How would the lone ranger handle this?

 

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

 

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

 

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

 

PROCRASTINATION

 

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.

- Vincent T. Foss.

 

It is an undoubted truth, that the less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.

- Earl of Chesterfield.

 

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

- C. Northcote Parkinson, 1958 (Parkinson’s Law)

 

Procrastination is opportunity's assassin.

- Victor Kiam.

 

There are two kinds of people: those who finish what they start and so on.

- Robert Byrne.

 

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

 

I said, "Just wait."

- Judy Tenuta.

 

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

 

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.

 

The best way to get something done is to begin.

 

Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself.

 

Procrastinate now.

 

PROGRESS

 

All progress is based on the universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.

- Samuel Butler.

 

The reason that men oppose progress is not that they hate progress but they love inertia.

- Ellert Hubbard.

 

Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on far too long.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Carnation milk is the best in the land;

Here I sit with a can in my hand -

No tits to pull, no hay to pitch,

You just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.

 

A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.

 

A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.

 

The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.

 

PROVERBS / UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

 

When written in Chinese the word "crisis" is composed of two characters - one represents danger and the other represents opportunity.

- John F. Kennedy, address, 12 April 1959.

 

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.

- Josephine Hart

 

Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice.

- Henry Ford.

 

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

- Miguel de Cervantes.

 

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little.

- Pope John XXIII.

 

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

 

Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

- Jonathan Kozel.

 

Tough and funny and a little bit kind:  that is as near to perfection as a human being can be.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook.

 

Every one should keep a mental wastepaper basket and the older he grows the more things he will consign to it - torn up to irrecoverable tatters.

- Samuel Butler.

 

The day will happen whether or not you get up.

- John Ciardi.

 

Nature gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.

- George R. Kirkpatrick.

 

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

- Jimmy Johnson.

 

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

- Peter Kay.

 

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.

- Tom Stoppard.

 

Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans: it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.

- Horace.

 

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

- Mark Twain.

 

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

- H. H. Munro (Saki).

 

In a boat at sea one of the men began to bore a hole in the bottom of the boat. On being remonstrating with, he answered, "I am only boring under my own seat." "Yes," said his companions, "but when the sea rushes in we shall all be drowned with you."

- Talmud.

 

Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water, and when you're tired, go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand.

- Bruce Lee.

 

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

- Konrad Adenauer.

 

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

- St. Augustine of Hippo - Bishop of Hippo.

 

While seeking revenge, dig two graves - one for yourself.

- Doug Horton.

 

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

- Abraham Lincoln.

 

Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny.

- Kathryn Carpenter.

 

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

- Stanislaw Lec.

 

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.

- Henry David Thoreau.

 

Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you.

- Frank Tyger.

 

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down.

- W. Migner.

 

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

It is easier to pull down than to build up.

- Latin Proverb.

 

Keep company with good men, and you’ll increase their number.

- Italian proverb.

 

When the ship has sunk everyone knows how she might have been saved.

- Italian proverb.

 

Smooth seas do not make skilful sailors.

- African Proverb.

 

Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped.

- African Proverb.

 

Love thy neighbour, but do not pull down thy hedge.

- English proverb.

 

Before I judge my neighbour, let me walk a mile in his moccasins.

- Sioux proverb.

 

A girl who can’t dance says the band can’t play.

- Yiddish proverb.

 

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

- Proverb.

 

Don't eat yellow snow.

 

Any day above ground is a good one.

 

Beware of the most dangerous person in business - the articulate incompetent.

 

An eel held by the tail is not yet caught.

 

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.

 

Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.

 

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

 

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

 

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

 

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

 

Never argue with a dragon, for thou art crunchy and goest well with cheese.

 

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

 

Be Silly. Be honest. Be kind.

 

Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.

 

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

 

Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.

 

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

 

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

 

When all else fails, look cute.

 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

 

Don’t go huntin’ with a guy named Chug-A-Lug.

 

Aspire to a lower level of harm.

 

Remember - if you're sitting at a poker table and you don't know who the sucker is, it's you.

 

Cross the river THEN insult the alligators.

 

Don't squat with your spurs on.

 

Always use your enemy’s hand to catch a snake.

 

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

 

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

 

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

 

Always drink upstream from the herd.

 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

 

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

 

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

 

Do not attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

He who always ploughs a straight furrow is in a rut.

 

PSYCHIATRY & PSYCHOANALYSIS

 

Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother.

- Germaine Greer.

 

I want to make one brief statement about psychoanalysis: "Fuck Dr. Freud."

- Oscar Levant.

 

Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.

- G.K. Chesterton.

 

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

- Dave Barry.

 

Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they’re complex.

- S.N. Behrman.

 

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

- Thomas Szasz.

 

Psychoanalysis is the disease it purports to cure.

- Karl Kraus.

 

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.

- James Thurber.

 

Let the credulous and the vulgar continue to believe that all mental woes can be cured by a daily application of old Greek myths to their private parts.

- Vladimir Nabokov.

 

They pick your dreams as though they were your pockets.

- Karl Kraus.

 

A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent.

- Jerome Lawrence.

 

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

- Samuel Goldwyn.

 

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo Ingles.'

- Ronnie Shakes.

 

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies Bergère and looks at the audience.

- Dr. Mervyn Stockwood.

 

Did you hear what the white rat said to the other white rat?….I’ve got that psychologist so well trained that every time I ring the bell he brings me something to eat.

- David Mercer.

 

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

- Woody Allen.

 

I don't go for this auto-cannibalism. Very damaging.

- Peter O'Toole, on psychoanalysis.

 

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

- Joey Adams.

 

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

- Ben Williams.

 

I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unseasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night.

- James Thurber.

 

Psychology keeps trying to vindicate human nature. History keeps undermining the effort.

- Mason Cooley.

 

If you cut a thing up, of course it will smell. Hence, nothing raises such an infernal stink as human psychology.

- D.H. Lawrence.

 

A wonderful discovery, psychoanalysis. Makes quite simple people feel they're complex.

- S.N. Behrman.

 

Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all.

- Voltaire.

 

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work.

- Geoffrey Norman.

 

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.

- Unknown psychology professor.

 

Psychiatrists say 1 in 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re okay, you’re it.

 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticise, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

 

There was a young man from Toledo

Who travelled around incognito,

The reason he did

Was to bolster his id

While appeasing his savage libido.

 

You go to a psychiatrist when you’re slightly cracked and keep going until you’re completely broke.

 

A man was attacked and left bleeding in a ditch. Two sociologists passed by and one said to the other, ‘We must find the man who did this - he needs help.’

 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

 

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

 

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

 

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

 

PUNCTUALITY

 

I have noticed that people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

- E.V. Lucas.

 

I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.

- Marilyn Monroe.

 

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

- Evelyn Waugh.

 

Punctuality is something that, if you have it, there’s often no-one around to share it with you.

 

You can't be late until you show up.

 

PURITANISM

 

Puritanism . . . helps us enjoy our misery while we are inflicting it on others.

- Marcel Ophuls.

 

PURPOSE

 

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

- Robert Byrne.

 

Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.

- Washington Irving.

 

We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years, and justify our existence... on pain of liquidation.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

When a man does not know what harbour he is making for, no wind is the right wind.

- Seneca.

 

It's hard to remember that your initial goal was to drain the swamp when you're up to your butt in alligators.

- Wayne Saxon.

 

 

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011