NATIONALITIES & COUNTRIES
theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me
as a German and France will declare that I am a
citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will
say that I am a German, and Germany will declare that I am a
of Greeks bearing gifts, coloured men looking for loans and
whites who understand the Negro.
said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into
three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian
man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is
fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at
think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one
country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one
place and get it over with.
Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with
shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to
prove it .
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
is a big country with a lot of Chinese people living there.
Charles De Gaulle.
way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of
evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with
something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
“Mugabe, Castro, Gadaffi,
Blair...there goes the neighbourhood.”
- Billboards in
crime-ridden Johannesburg, South Africa, where world leaders
were meeting for the Earth summit.
underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed
country don't breathe the air.
Englishman, a bore;
Englishmen, a club;
Englishmen, an empire.
Japanese, a gardener;
Japanese, a cult;
German, a burgher;
Germans, a beer-parlour;
Germans, an army.
Dutchman, a citizen;
Dutchmen, a bicycle-club;
Italian, a tenor;
Italians, a duet;
Italians, an opera.
Russians, a chess-game;
Russians, a revolution.
Irishman, a drinker;
Irishmen, a fight;
Swiss, one Swiss;
Swiss, two Swiss;
Swiss, three Swiss.
Eskimos are God's frozen people.
spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
Arkansas: One million people and 15 last names.
SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
can you identify an Olympic Airways jet flying overhead? Look
for the hair under the wings.
to a sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll.
When I got home, it blew itself up.
do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!
do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial
Arabs are chatting…
pulls out his wallet and starts flipping through pictures.
is my oldest son. He’s a martyr.”
is my second son. He’s a martyr too.”
a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says, “They
blow up so fast, don’t they?”
Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
your kayak and heat it too.
could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names, and all
different colours, but they all have to learn to live in the
Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
named him "Sum Ting Wong"
heart away from nature becomes hard.
writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees and
flowers and clouds and stars.
the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will
flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow
own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares
will drop off like autumn leaves.
wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our
scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.
Charles A. Lindbergh, Life.
can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of
subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet.
Borland, Sundial of the Seasons.
Nothing but Pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing
Motto of the National Speleological (Caving) Society.
sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on
it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing
in the universe to do.
believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the
Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments – there are
Robert G. Ingersoll.
the Trees?...Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
deep into nature, and then you will understand everything
who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are
never alone or weary of life.
is nature under totalitarian rule.
Michael Pollan, Second Nature.
Breathless, we flung us on a windy hill,
Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.
If one way be better
than another, that you may be sure is Nature's way.
impulse from a vernal wood
teach you more of man,
moral evil and of good,
all the sages can.
William Wordsworth, The Tables Turned, 1798.
Diversity is God’s way of amusing himself.
the Earth clean – it’s not Uranus!
York: Where everyone mutinies but no-one deserts.
York: The city of right angles and tough, damaged people.
York: The nation’s thyroid gland.
- Ogden Nash.
of manner, overfed,
Overdressed and underbred;
Heartless, Godless, hell’s delight,
by day and lewd at night…
with avarice, lust and rum,
York, thy name’s Delirium.
- Byron Rufus Newton.
main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that
their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death.
Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and
we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are.
Baker, Why I Hate Saturn.
Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely
go above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in
York, plan to spend a few days there.
"East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts.
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal
Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you
any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New
York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to
Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh
There’s no room for amateurs, even in crossing the streets.
say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New
Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the
the radio; the other guy took the engine.
muck heaves and palpitates. It is multidirectional and has a
NEW ZEALAND &
Terrible Tragedy in the South Seas. Three million people trapped
time a New Zealander leaves for Australia the IQ of both
countries goes up.
to New Zealand but it was closed.
only thing that Australia has gained from Microsoft is an
NEWS & NEWSPAPERS
not the world that’s got so much worse but the news coverage
that’s got so much better.
device] unable…. to discriminate between a bicycle accident and
the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw, of newspapers.
editor is the one who separates the wheat from the chaff and
prints the chaff.
old days men had the rack, now they have the Press.
apologise for the error in last week's paper in which we stated
that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We
of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.
Frederick L. Knowles.
Twilight drops her curtain down, and pins it with a star.
sight is more provocative of awe than is the night sky.
Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o'clock is a
orbed maiden, with white fire laden,
mortals call the moon.
Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Cloud.
President of the United States 1968-1972
told us he was going to take crime out of the streets. He did.
He took it into the damn White House.
Ralph D. Abernathy.
just isn’t half the man Hitler was.
the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree and
then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
integrity of a hyaena and the style of a poison toad.
Hunter S. Thompson.
Richard Nixon is a no-good lying bastard. He can lie out of both
sides of his mouth at the same time, and even if he caught
the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.
Harry S. Truman.
glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin,
you never know if someone's tape recording what you say.
under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.
get annoyed if your neighbour plays his hi-fi at two o’clock in
the morning. Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed
if you love peace and quiet.
an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism,
a complex string of syllables.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all
accidents involving falling objects.
only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the
lumber has already been cut and attached together in the
of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.
walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription
doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s
always room temperature.
to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere
near the place.
year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.
to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a
and drop it?
I once saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
- Steven Wright.
bought some batteries, but they weren't included .
night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything
with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my
roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
theory of Evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
other one off.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance you
won’t have any.
happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I
never knew my real ladder.
don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the
- Sears, Roebuck, and Co., Consumer's Guide, 1897.
voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.
possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?
notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your
two-cents worth? Someone is making a penny on the deal.
know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why
I never take baths.
night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke
up the pillow was gone.
weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot
faster with two people digging.
you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small
hours and put a bat up your nightdress.
- Basil Fawlty.
morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my
pyjamas I don't know.
I knew I was going to
take the wrong train, so I left early.
- Yogi Berra.
always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they
always look into their hankies to see what came out.
do they expect to find? A silver sixpence?
people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
people do this? Who and where are they?
said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.
it was, hidden in alphabetical order.
a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with
I am a
conscientious man; when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no
Ogden Nash, Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is.
a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire,
and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Frank L. Visco, How to Write Good.
was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
dog has his day, unless he loses his tail ... then he has a
heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for
the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the
collected works of Francis Bacon.
are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the
importance of turning around three times before lying down.
fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
then a lot’ll.
never saw a Purple Cow,
never hope to see one;
can tell you anyhow,
rather see than be one.
yes! I wrote the ‘Purple Cow’ -
Sorry, now, I Wrote it!
can Tell you, Anyhow,
Kill you if you Quote it!
a hippopotamus: I kept him in a shed,
fed him upon vitamins and vegetable bread . . . .
frolicked with the Rector in a dozen friendly tussles,
could not but remark upon his hippopotamuscles.
shoot the hippopotamus
bullets made of platinum,
Because if I used leaden ones
hide is sure to flatten ‘em.
you walk a little faster,” said a whiting to a snail,
“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my
was walking up the stair,
a man who wasn't there.
wasn't there again today.
wish, I wish he'd go away.
have met the enemy and they are us!
and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma,
night and day, and A and Z. I have computed how far
how long it takes to get Away, and what becomes of Gone. I have
discovered the length of the sea serpent, the price
priceless, and the square of the hippopotamus. I know where you
are when you are at Sixes and Sevens, how much Is
have to have to make an Are, and how many birds you can catch
with the salt in the ocean - 187,796,132, if it would interest
James Thurber, Many Moons.
If you come to a fork in
the road, take it.
- Yogi Berra.
little bright line,
be a cliché
According to experts, the oyster
shell - or crustacean cloister -
he or a she
both, if it should be its choice ter.
Niels Mogens Bodecker.
hand from fingertip to wrist measures exactly seven inches.
Another five inches and it would become a foot.
World Record holder for blowing a bugle whilst riding a bike
uphill dragging four hundredweight of pig iron and holding
breath is buried at……
is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.
a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty
minutes. It involves Russia.
Barry on pyramid schemes:
primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in
business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting
in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or
three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person,
Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile thousands
of humongous stones on top of each other in the
to form great big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought
this was an absolutely terrific idea. It wasn't until
several thousand years later that they realized they had been
suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by
time, Oog was in the Bahamas.
earn a lacht.
Viennese waltz in ¾
love would not survive
change to 0.75
was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out
What happens when the human body is completely submerged in
Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.
What’s worse than an octopus with tennis-elbow?
centipede with athlete’s foot.
Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.
What has sixteen legs, fourteen testicles and two tiny breasts?
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.
matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.
Station Announcer: The train now arriving on Platforms 6, 7, 8
and 9….is coming in sideways.
blondes walk into a building.......you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one
let the other one off.
sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be
an uncle or an aunt.
has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further
steps would be taken.
do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
do you catch a tame rabbit:
Tame way – unique up in it.
What's blue and smells like red paint?
do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace.
do you make a dog go "meoooooow"?
Feed it through a circular saw.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?
worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something
copier is currently out of sync. More sync is on order.
hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
they allow tipping on the boat?
me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.
truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
What's blue and covered with feathers?
A turkey holding its breath.
was the best thing before sliced bread?
possible to be totally partial?
do prisoners use to call each other?
is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on
I went to the
butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."
My friend drowned
in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
came. I saw. I took a valium.
Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
Please let me know if you did not receive this message.
Dyslexic skier: “Can I zag zig down this mountain?”
know pal, I’m a tobogganist”.
give me a packet of Rothmans.”
you don’t turn that fucking stereo down, I’ll go insane!”
late mum, I switched it off an hour ago.”
on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
Advising the President.
Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Bryant like Anita hole in the head.
only as sick as your secrets.
There’s nothing moister.
Phil the carpenter was feeling depressed over how he was all alone during Christmas. So, the next morning while in his
workshop, he decided to take his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a horrible end but a beautiful finish.
is to change over to driving on the right. The change will be
The average person has one ball and one tit.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
I C U
Astronaut what your country can do for you - ask what you can do
for your country.
perils of duck hunting are great, especially for the duck.
do you call fishes with no eyes?
got one eye, one ear and four legs?
a horse’s head on a chair.
Q. What sound does a space turkey make?
A. hubble, hubble, hubble.
antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying,
"It won't be long now."
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
are some things which are impossible to know - but it is
impossible to know these things.
you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air
Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad
Franklin Pierce Adams.
seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so
crazy about the first time around.
not against half-naked girls
as often as I’d like to be….
had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born that
Streakers, your end is in sight.