The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations N

 

 

NATIONALITIES & COUNTRIES

 

If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a

citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German, and Germany will declare that I am a Jew.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, coloured men looking for loans and whites who understand the Negro.

- Adam Clayton Powell.

 

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

- Jay Leno.

 

An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is

doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

- Jay Leno.

 

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

- Dennis Leary.

 

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.

- P. J. O'Rourke.

 

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it .

- Spike Milligan.

 

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

- Johnny Carson.

 

China is a big country with a lot of Chinese people living there.

- Charles De Gaulle.

 

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

- Emo Philips.

 

If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.

- Homer Simpson.

 

“Mugabe, Castro, Gadaffi, Blair...there goes the neighbourhood.”

- Billboards in crime-ridden Johannesburg, South Africa, where world leaders were meeting for the Earth summit.

 

In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air.

- Jonathan Raban.

 

One Englishman, a bore;

Two Englishmen, a club;

Three Englishmen, an empire.

 

One Japanese, a gardener;

Two Japanese, a cult;

Three Japanese, electronics.

 

One German, a burgher;

Two Germans, a beer-parlour;

Three Germans, an army.

 

One Dutchman, a citizen;

Two Dutchmen, a bicycle-club;

Three Dutchmen, irrigation.

 

One Italian, a tenor;

Two Italians, a duet;

Three Italians, an opera.

 

One Russian, melancholic;

Two Russians, a chess-game;

Three Russians, a revolution.

 

One Irishman, a drinker;

Two Irishmen, a fight;

Three Irishmen, partition.

 

One Swiss, one Swiss;

Two Swiss, two Swiss;

Three Swiss, three Swiss.

 

Eskimos are God's frozen people.

 

If you spin an oriental man in a  circle three times does he become disoriented?

 

Arkansas: One million people and 15 last names.

 

FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

 

Ax me about Ebonics.

 

How can you identify an Olympic Airways jet flying overhead? Look for the hair under the wings.

 

I went to a sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll. When I got home, it blew itself up.

 

- What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? 

- Nothing! You told her twice already!

 

- What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?

- Lefty.

 

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?  It features full facial nudity!

 

Two Arabs are chatting…

One pulls out his wallet and starts flipping through pictures.

“This is my oldest son. He’s a martyr.”

“Here is my second son. He’s a martyr too.”

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't

have your kayak and heat it too.

 

We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all

are different colours, but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

 

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my

mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

 

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

 

NATURE & CONSERVATION

 

Man's heart away from nature becomes hard.

- Standing Bear.

 

God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees and flowers and clouds and stars.

- Martin Luther.

 

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow

their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.

- John Muir.

 

In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.

- Charles A. Lindbergh, Life.

 

You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet.

- Hal Borland, Sundial of the Seasons.

 

Take Nothing but Pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time.

- Motto of the National Speleological (Caving) Society.

 

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing

else in the universe to do.

- Galileo.

 

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars.

- Walt Whitman.

 

In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments – there are consequences.

- Robert G. Ingersoll.

 

Save the Trees?...Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

- Billy Connoly.

 

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.

- Lao Tzu.

 

Nature hates calculators.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.

- Rachel Carson.

 

A lawn is nature under totalitarian rule.

- Michael Pollan, Second Nature.

 

Breathless, we flung us on a windy hill,

Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.

- Rupert Brooke.

 

If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is Nature's way.

- Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics.

 

One impulse from a vernal wood

May teach you more of man,

Of moral evil and of good,

Than all the sages can.

- William Wordsworth, The Tables Turned, 1798.

 

Diversity is God’s way of amusing himself.

 

Keep the Earth clean – it’s not Uranus!

 

NEW YORK

 

New York: Where everyone mutinies but no-one deserts.

- Harry Hirschfield.

 

New York: The city of right angles and tough, damaged people.

- Pete Hamill.

 

New York: The nation’s thyroid gland.

- Christopher Morley.

 

The Bronx?

No, thonx!

- Ogden Nash.

 

Vulgar of manner, overfed,

Overdressed and underbred;

Heartless, Godless, hell’s delight,

Rude by day and lewd at night…

Crazed with avarice, lust and rum,

New York, thy name’s Delirium.

- Byron Rufus Newton.

 

The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death.

As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are.

Good town.

- Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn.

 

To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in

New York, plan to spend a few days there.

- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts.

 

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't

make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.

- David Letterman.

 

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get

to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

- David Letterman.

 

There’s no room for amateurs, even in crossing the streets.

- George Segal.

 

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires

and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

- David Letterman.

 

This muck heaves and palpitates. It is multidirectional and has a mayor.

- Donald Barthelme.

 

NEW ZEALAND & AUSTRALIA

 

Terrible Tragedy in the South Seas. Three million people trapped alive.

- Tom Scott.

 

Each time a New Zealander leaves for Australia the IQ of both countries goes up.

 

I went to New Zealand but it was closed.

 

The only thing that Australia has gained from Microsoft is an enlarged sphincter.

 

NEWS & NEWSPAPERS

 

It’s not the world that’s got so much worse but the news coverage that’s got so much better.

- G.K. Chesterton.

 

[A device] unable…. to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.

- George Bernard Shaw, of newspapers.

 

An editor is the one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.

- Adlai Stevenson.

 

In the old days men had the rack, now they have the Press.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

We apologise for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We

meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.

- British newspaper.

 

NIGHT

 

The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.

- Frederick L. Knowles.

 

Twilight drops her curtain down, and pins it with a star.

- Lucy Maud Montgomery.

 

No sight is more provocative of awe than is the night sky.

- Llewelyn Powys.

 

Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o'clock is a scoundrel.

- Samuel Johnson.

 

That orbed maiden, with white fire laden,

Whom mortals call the moon.

- Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Cloud.

 

RICHARD NIXON

President of the United States 1968-1972

 

He told us he was going to take crime out of the streets. He did. He took it into the damn White House.

- Rev. Ralph D. Abernathy.

 

Nixon just isn’t half the man Hitler was.

- Richard Dudman.

 

He is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree and then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.

- Adlai Stevenson.

 

The integrity of a hyaena and the style of a poison toad.

- Hunter S. Thompson.

 

Richard Nixon is a no-good lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and even if he caught himself t

elling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

- Harry S. Truman.

 

I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someone's tape recording what you say.

- Richard Nixon.

 

I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.

- Richard Nixon.

 

NOISE

 

Don’t get annoyed if your neighbour plays his hi-fi at two o’clock in the morning. Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it.

 

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

 

NONSENSE

 

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

- Dave Barry.

 

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

- Dave Barry.

 

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the

form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

- Dave Barry.

 

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

- Steven Wright.

 

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

- Steven Wright.

 

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

- Steven Wright.

 

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

- Steven Wright.

 

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

- Steven Wright.

 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

- Steven Wright.

 

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

- Steven Wright.

 

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

- Steven Wright.

 

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a

cat and drop it?

- Steven Wright.

 

I once saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired 
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
- Steven Wright.

 

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included  .

- Steven Wright.

 

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my

roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

- Steven Wright.

 

My theory of Evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

- Steven Wright.

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let

the other one off.

- Tommy Cooper.

 

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash.

 

If your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance you won’t have any.

- Clarence Day.

 

What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?

- Bertolt Brecht.

 

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

- Craig Charles.

 

If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
- Sears, Roebuck, and Co., Consumer's Guide, 1897.

 

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

- Dan Quayle.

 

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.

- Dan Quayle.

 

A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.

- Roald Dahl.

 

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

- Peter Kay.

 

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents worth? Someone is making a penny on the deal.

- Steven Wright.

 

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

- Steven Wright.

 

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

- Tommy Cooper.

 

If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

- Mister Boffo.

 

And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress.
- Basil Fawlty.

 

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I don't know.

- Groucho Marx.

 

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

- Yogi Berra.

 

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out.

What do they expect to find? A silver sixpence?

- Billy Connolly.

 

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?

Do people do this? Who and where are they?

- Billy Connolly.

 

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

- Mark Blanchard.

 

Honest officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.

- Black Dragon.

 

There it was, hidden in alphabetical order.

-Rita Holt.

 

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

- Douglas Adams.

 

I am a conscientious man; when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

- Ogden Nash, Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is.

 

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

- Terry Pratchett.

 

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

- Frank L. Visco, How to Write Good.

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

Every dog has his day, unless he loses his tail ... then he has a weakend.

- June Carter Cash.

 

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the

collected works of Francis Bacon.

- Bill Hirst.

 

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

- Woody Allen.

 

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

- Spike Milligan.

 

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

- Spike Milligan.

 

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

- Robert Benchley.

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom.

 

Shake and shake,

The ketchup bottle,

None will come,

And then a lot’ll.

- Richard Armour.

 

I never saw a Purple Cow,

I never hope to see one;

But I can tell you anyhow,

I’d rather see than be one.

- Gelett Burgess.

 

Ah, yes! I wrote the ‘Purple Cow’ -

I’m Sorry, now, I Wrote it!

But I can Tell you, Anyhow,

I’ll Kill you if you Quote it!

- Gelett Burgess.

 

I had a hippopotamus: I kept him in a shed,

And fed him upon vitamins and vegetable bread . . . .

He frolicked with the Rector in a dozen friendly tussles,

Who could not but remark upon his hippopotamuscles.

- Patrick Barrington.

 

I shoot the hippopotamus

With bullets made of platinum,

Because if I used leaden ones

His hide is sure to flatten ‘em.

- Hillaire Belloc.

 

“Will you walk a little faster,” said a whiting to a snail,

“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.”

- Lewis Carroll

 

As I was walking up the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there.

He wasn't there again today.

I wish, I wish he'd go away.

- Hugh Mearns.

 

We have met the enemy and they are us!

- Walt Kelly, Pogo

 

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

- Wendell Johnson.

 

I have figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma, night and day, and A and Z. I have computed how far

is Up, how long it takes to get Away, and what becomes of Gone. I have discovered the length of the sea serpent, the price

of priceless, and the square of the hippopotamus. I know where you are when you are at Sixes and Sevens, how much Is

you have to have to make an Are, and how many birds you can catch with the salt in the ocean - 187,796,132, if it would interest you.

- James Thurber, Many Moons.

 

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

- Yogi Berra.

 

Hush little bright line,

Don’t you cry,

You’ll be a cliché

By and by.

- Fred Allen.

 

According to experts, the oyster

In its shell - or crustacean cloister -

May frequently be

Either he or a she

Or both, if it should be its choice ter.

- Berton Bradley.

 

What makes

common house flies

trying

is

that they keep

multiflieing.

- Niels Mogens Bodecker.

 

My hand from fingertip to wrist measures exactly seven inches. Another five inches and it would become a foot.

- Bert Douglas.

 

The World Record holder for blowing a bugle whilst riding a bike uphill dragging four hundredweight of pig iron and holding

his breath is buried at……

- Spike Milligan.

 

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

- Woody Allen.

 

Dave Barry on pyramid schemes:

When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting

around in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person,

named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the

desert to form great big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely terrific idea. It wasn't until

several thousand years later that they realized they had been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by

that time, Oog was in the Bahamas.

 

To own a yacht,

You have gacht,

To earn a lacht.

- Steve Fitsimmons

 

I adore

A Viennese waltz in ¾

But my love would not survive

A change to 0.75

- Fritz Spiegel.

 

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

- Woody Allen.

 

Q: What happens when the human body is completely submerged in water?

A: The telephone rings.

- The Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.

 

Q: What’s worse than an octopus with tennis-elbow?

A: A centipede with athlete’s foot.

- The Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.

 

Q: What has sixteen legs, fourteen testicles and two tiny breasts?

A: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.

 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.

 

Station Announcer: The train now arriving on Platforms 6, 7, 8 and 9….is coming in sideways.

 

Two blondes walk into a building.......you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one

and let the other one off.

 

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

 

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

 

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

 

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on it.

 

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit:

A: Tame way – unique up in it.

 

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?

A: Blue paint.

 

Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace.

 

Q: How do you make a dog go "meoooooow"?

A: Feed it through a circular saw.

 

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?
A: Sparky.

 

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

 

The copier is currently out of sync. More sync is on order.

 

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.

 

Do they allow tipping on the boat?

- Yes, sir.

 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

 

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.


What's blue and covered with feathers?
A turkey holding its breath.

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

What do prisoners use to call each other?

- Cell phones.

 

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

- K9P.

 

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

 

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

 

Vici, veni, VD.

 

I came. I saw. I took a valium.

 

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

 

Please let me know if you did not receive this message.

 

Dyslexic skier: “Can I zag zig down this mountain?”

“Don’t know pal, I’m a tobogganist”.

“OK, give me a packet of Rothmans.”

 

“If you don’t turn that fucking stereo down, I’ll go insane!”

“Too late mum, I switched it off an hour ago.”

 

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

- Advising the President.

- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

 

Anita Bryant like Anita hole in the head.

 

You're only as sick as your secrets.

 

Than an oyster

There’s nothing moister.

 

Phil the carpenter was feeling depressed over how he was all alone during Christmas. So, the next morning while in his 
workshop, he decided to take his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a horrible end but a beautiful finish.

 

Ghana is to change over to driving on the right. The change will be made gradually.

 

The average person has one ball and one tit.

 

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 

OOAQIC

I82QB4IP

 

2 Y's U R.

2 Y's U B.

I C U R.

2 Y's 4 me!

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Astronaut.

Astronaut Who?

Astronaut what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.

 

The perils of duck hunting are great, especially for the duck.

 

What do you call fishes with no eyes?

- Fshes.

 

What’s got one eye, one ear and four legs?

- Half a horse’s head on a chair.

 

Q. What sound does a space turkey make?
A. hubble, hubble, hubble.

 

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying,
"It won't be long now."

 

If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.

 

There are some things which are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know these things.

 

NOSTALIA

 

If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.

- Griff Niblack.

 

Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.

- Doug Larson.

 

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

- Franklin Pierce Adams.

 

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.

 

NUDITY

 

I’m not against half-naked girls

- not as often as I’d like to be….

- Benny Hill.

 

If God had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born that way.

 

Streakers, your end is in sight.

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011