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NATIONALITIES & COUNTRIES
If my
theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me
as a German and France will declare that I am a
citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will
say that I am a German, and Germany will declare that I am a
Jew.
-
Albert Einstein.
Beware
of Greeks bearing gifts, coloured men looking for loans and
whites who understand the Negro.
- Adam
Clayton Powell.
CNN
said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into
three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
- Jay
Leno.
An
Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian
man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is
doing
fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at
himself.
- Jay
Leno.
I
think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one
country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one
place and get it over with.
-
Dennis Leary.
The
Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with
borders.
- P.
J. O'Rourke.
I
shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to
prove it .
-
Spike Milligan.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-
Johnny Carson.
China
is a big country with a lot of Chinese people living there.
-
Charles De Gaulle.
The
way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of
evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with
tanks.
- Emo
Philips.
If
something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
-
Homer Simpson.
“Mugabe, Castro, Gadaffi,
Blair...there goes the neighbourhood.”
- Billboards in
crime-ridden Johannesburg, South Africa, where world leaders
were meeting for the Earth summit.
In an
underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed
country don't breathe the air.
-
Jonathan Raban.
One
Englishman, a bore;
Two
Englishmen, a club;
Three
Englishmen, an empire.
One
Japanese, a gardener;
Two
Japanese, a cult;
Three
Japanese, electronics.
One
German, a burgher;
Two
Germans, a beer-parlour;
Three
Germans, an army.
One
Dutchman, a citizen;
Two
Dutchmen, a bicycle-club;
Three
Dutchmen, irrigation.
One
Italian, a tenor;
Two
Italians, a duet;
Three
Italians, an opera.
One
Russian, melancholic;
Two
Russians, a chess-game;
Three
Russians, a revolution.
One
Irishman, a drinker;
Two
Irishmen, a fight;
Three
Irishmen, partition.
One
Swiss, one Swiss;
Two
Swiss, two Swiss;
Three
Swiss, three Swiss.
Eskimos are God's frozen people.
If you
spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
Arkansas: One million people and 15 last names.
FOR
SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
Ax me
about Ebonics.
How
can you identify an Olympic Airways jet flying overhead? Look
for the hair under the wings.
I went
to a sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll.
When I got home, it blew itself up.
- What
do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
-
Nothing! You told her twice already!
- What
do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
-
Lefty.
Did
you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial
nudity!
Two
Arabs are chatting…
One
pulls out his wallet and starts flipping through pictures.
“This
is my oldest son. He’s a martyr.”
“Here
is my second son. He’s a martyr too.”
After
a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says, “They
blow up so fast, don’t they?”
Two
Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have
your kayak and heat it too.
We
could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are
different colours, but they all have to learn to live in the
same box.
Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
Did
you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They
named him "Sum Ting Wong"
NATURE &
CONSERVATION
Man's
heart away from nature becomes hard.
-
Standing Bear.
God
writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees and
flowers and clouds and stars.
-
Martin Luther.
Climb
the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will
flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow
their
own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares
will drop off like autumn leaves.
- John
Muir.
In
wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our
scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.
-
Charles A. Lindbergh, Life.
You
can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of
subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet.
- Hal
Borland, Sundial of the Seasons.
Take
Nothing but Pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing
but time.
-
Motto of the National Speleological (Caving) Society.
The
sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on
it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing
else
in the universe to do.
-
Galileo.
I
believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the
stars.
- Walt
Whitman.
In
Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments – there are
consequences.
-
Robert G. Ingersoll.
Save
the Trees?...Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
-
Billy Connoly.
Nature
does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.
- Lao
Tzu.
Nature
hates calculators.
-
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Look
deep into nature, and then you will understand everything
better.
-
Albert Einstein.
Those
who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are
never alone or weary of life.
-
Rachel Carson.
A lawn
is nature under totalitarian rule.
-
Michael Pollan, Second Nature.
Breathless, we flung us on a windy hill,
Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.
-
Rupert Brooke.
If one way be better
than another, that you may be sure is Nature's way.
- Aristotle,
Nichomachean Ethics.
One
impulse from a vernal wood
May
teach you more of man,
Of
moral evil and of good,
Than
all the sages can.
-
William Wordsworth, The Tables Turned, 1798.
Diversity is God’s way of amusing himself.
Keep
the Earth clean – it’s not Uranus!
NEW YORK
New
York: Where everyone mutinies but no-one deserts.
-
Harry Hirschfield.
New
York: The city of right angles and tough, damaged people.
- Pete
Hamill.
New
York: The nation’s thyroid gland.
-
Christopher Morley.
The Bronx?
No, thonx!
- Ogden Nash.
Vulgar
of manner, overfed,
Overdressed and underbred;
Heartless, Godless, hell’s delight,
Rude
by day and lewd at night…
Crazed
with avarice, lust and rum,
New
York, thy name’s Delirium.
- Byron Rufus Newton.
The
main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that
their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death.
As New
Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and
we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are.
Good
town.
- Kyle
Baker, Why I Hate Saturn.
To a
Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely
go above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in
New
York, plan to spend a few days there.
- From
"East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts.
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal
Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you
shouldn't
make
any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.
-
David Letterman.
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New
York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to
get
to
Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh
wound."
-
David Letterman.
There’s no room for amateurs, even in crossing the streets.
-
George Segal.
People
say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New
Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the
tires
and
the radio; the other guy took the engine.
-
David Letterman.
This
muck heaves and palpitates. It is multidirectional and has a
mayor.
-
Donald Barthelme.
NEW ZEALAND &
AUSTRALIA
Terrible Tragedy in the South Seas. Three million people trapped
alive.
- Tom
Scott.
Each
time a New Zealander leaves for Australia the IQ of both
countries goes up.
I went
to New Zealand but it was closed.
The
only thing that Australia has gained from Microsoft is an
enlarged sphincter.
NEWS & NEWSPAPERS
It’s
not the world that’s got so much worse but the news coverage
that’s got so much better.
- G.K.
Chesterton.
[A
device] unable…. to discriminate between a bicycle accident and
the collapse of civilization.
-
George Bernard Shaw, of newspapers.
An
editor is the one who separates the wheat from the chaff and
prints the chaff.
-
Adlai Stevenson.
In the
old days men had the rack, now they have the Press.
-
Oscar Wilde.
We
apologise for the error in last week's paper in which we stated
that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We
meant,
of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
-
British newspaper.
NIGHT
The
night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.
-
Frederick L. Knowles.
Twilight drops her curtain down, and pins it with a star.
- Lucy
Maud Montgomery.
No
sight is more provocative of awe than is the night sky.
-
Llewelyn Powys.
Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o'clock is a
scoundrel.
-
Samuel Johnson.
That
orbed maiden, with white fire laden,
Whom
mortals call the moon.
-
Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Cloud.
RICHARD NIXON
President of the United States 1968-1972
He
told us he was going to take crime out of the streets. He did.
He took it into the damn White House.
- Rev.
Ralph D. Abernathy.
Nixon
just isn’t half the man Hitler was.
-
Richard Dudman.
He is
the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree and
then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
-
Adlai Stevenson.
The
integrity of a hyaena and the style of a poison toad.
-
Hunter S. Thompson.
Richard Nixon is a no-good lying bastard. He can lie out of both
sides of his mouth at the same time, and even if he caught
himself t
elling
the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.
-
Harry S. Truman.
I'm
glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin,
you never know if someone's tape recording what you say.
-
Richard Nixon.
I was
under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.
-
Richard Nixon.
NOISE
Don’t
get annoyed if your neighbour plays his hi-fi at two o’clock in
the morning. Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed
it.
Honk
if you love peace and quiet.
NONSENSE
DNA is
an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism,
a complex string of syllables.
- Dave
Barry.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all
accidents involving falling objects.
- Dave
Barry.
The
only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the
lumber has already been cut and attached together in the
form
of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
- Dave
Barry.
I went
to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
said, "ten-four."
-
Steven Wright.
If you
shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
-
Steven Wright.
The
Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.
-
Steven Wright.
I was
walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription
ran out.
-
Steven Wright.
It
doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s
always room temperature.
-
Steven Wright.
I used
to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere
near the place.
-
Steven Wright.
Last
year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.
-
Steven Wright.
I went
to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
-
Steven Wright.
If
toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a
cat
and drop it?
-
Steven Wright.
I once saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
- Steven Wright.
I
bought some batteries, but they weren't included .
-
Steven Wright.
Last
night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything
with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my
roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
-
Steven Wright.
My
theory of Evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
-
Steven Wright.
Police
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the
other one off.
-
Tommy Cooper.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
-
Ogden Nash.
If
your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance you
won’t have any.
-
Clarence Day.
What
happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
-
Bertolt Brecht.
I have
a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I
never knew my real ladder.
-
Craig Charles.
If you
don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the
entire catalogue.
- Sears, Roebuck, and Co., Consumer's Guide, 1897.
A low
voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls.
- Dan
Quayle.
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
- Dan
Quayle.
A
little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.
-
Roald Dahl.
Is it
possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?
-
Peter Kay.
Ever
notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your
two-cents worth? Someone is making a penny on the deal.
-
Steven Wright.
You
know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why
I never take baths.
-
Steven Wright.
Last
night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke
up the pillow was gone.
-
Tommy Cooper.
If it
weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot
faster with two people digging.
-
Mister Boffo.
And if
you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small
hours and put a bat up your nightdress.
- Basil Fawlty.
One
morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my
pyjamas I don't know.
-
Groucho Marx.
I knew I was going to
take the wrong train, so I left early.
- Yogi Berra.
What
always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they
always look into their hankies to see what came out.
What
do they expect to find? A silver sixpence?
-
Billy Connolly.
When
people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do
people do this? Who and where are they?
-
Billy Connolly.
When I
said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
- Mark
Blanchard.
Honest
officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.
-
Black Dragon.
There
it was, hidden in alphabetical order.
-Rita
Holt.
It is
a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with
potatoes.
-
Douglas Adams.
I am a
conscientious man; when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no
tern unstoned.
-
Ogden Nash, Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is.
Build
a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire,
and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-
Terry Pratchett.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
-
Frank L. Visco, How to Write Good.
When I
was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
Every
dog has his day, unless he loses his tail ... then he has a
weakend.
- June
Carter Cash.
I
heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for
the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the
collected works of Francis Bacon.
- Bill
Hirst.
Why
are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
-
Woody Allen.
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
-
Spike Milligan.
How
long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
-
Spike Milligan.
A boy
can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the
importance of turning around three times before lying down.
-
Robert Benchley.
Is it
fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam
Bloom.
Shake
and shake,
The
ketchup bottle,
None
will come,
And
then a lot’ll.
-
Richard Armour.
I
never saw a Purple Cow,
I
never hope to see one;
But I
can tell you anyhow,
I’d
rather see than be one.
-
Gelett Burgess.
Ah,
yes! I wrote the ‘Purple Cow’ -
I’m
Sorry, now, I Wrote it!
But I
can Tell you, Anyhow,
I’ll
Kill you if you Quote it!
-
Gelett Burgess.
I had
a hippopotamus: I kept him in a shed,
And
fed him upon vitamins and vegetable bread . . . .
He
frolicked with the Rector in a dozen friendly tussles,
Who
could not but remark upon his hippopotamuscles.
-
Patrick Barrington.
I
shoot the hippopotamus
With
bullets made of platinum,
Because if I used leaden ones
His
hide is sure to flatten ‘em.
-
Hillaire Belloc.
“Will
you walk a little faster,” said a whiting to a snail,
“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my
tail.”
-
Lewis Carroll
As I
was walking up the stair,
I met
a man who wasn't there.
He
wasn't there again today.
I
wish, I wish he'd go away.
- Hugh
Mearns.
We
have met the enemy and they are us!
- Walt
Kelly, Pogo
Always
and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-
Wendell Johnson.
I have
figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma,
night and day, and A and Z. I have computed how far
is Up,
how long it takes to get Away, and what becomes of Gone. I have
discovered the length of the sea serpent, the price
of
priceless, and the square of the hippopotamus. I know where you
are when you are at Sixes and Sevens, how much Is
you
have to have to make an Are, and how many birds you can catch
with the salt in the ocean - 187,796,132, if it would interest
you.
-
James Thurber, Many Moons.
If you come to a fork in
the road, take it.
- Yogi Berra.
Hush
little bright line,
Don’t
you cry,
You’ll
be a cliché
By and
by.
- Fred
Allen.
According to experts, the oyster
In its
shell - or crustacean cloister -
May
frequently be
Either
he or a she
Or
both, if it should be its choice ter.
-
Berton Bradley.
What
makes
common
house flies
trying
is
that
they keep
multiflieing.
-
Niels Mogens Bodecker.
My
hand from fingertip to wrist measures exactly seven inches.
Another five inches and it would become a foot.
- Bert
Douglas.
The
World Record holder for blowing a bugle whilst riding a bike
uphill dragging four hundredweight of pig iron and holding
his
breath is buried at……
-
Spike Milligan.
There
is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.
-
Bertrand Russell.
I took
a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty
minutes. It involves Russia.
-
Woody Allen.
Dave
Barry on pyramid schemes:
When
primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in
business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting
around
in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or
three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person,
named
Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile thousands
of humongous stones on top of each other in the
desert
to form great big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought
this was an absolutely terrific idea. It wasn't until
several thousand years later that they realized they had been
suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by
that
time, Oog was in the Bahamas.
To own
a yacht,
You
have gacht,
To
earn a lacht.
-
Steve Fitsimmons
I
adore
A
Viennese waltz in ¾
But my
love would not survive
A
change to 0.75
-
Fritz Spiegel.
When I
was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out
my room.
-
Woody Allen.
Q:
What happens when the human body is completely submerged in
water?
A: The
telephone rings.
- The
Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.
Q:
What’s worse than an octopus with tennis-elbow?
A: A
centipede with athlete’s foot.
- The
Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.
Q:
What has sixteen legs, fourteen testicles and two tiny breasts?
A:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
The
other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.
No
matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.
Station Announcer: The train now arriving on Platforms 6, 7, 8
and 9….is coming in sideways.
Two
blondes walk into a building.......you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
Police
arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one
and
let the other one off.
My
sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be
an uncle or an aunt.
A hole
has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
When a
ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further
steps would be taken.
Q: How
do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:
Unique up on it.
Q: How
do you catch a tame rabbit:
A:
Tame way – unique up in it.
Q:
What's blue and smells like red paint?
A:
Blue paint.
Q: How
do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace.
Q: How
do you make a dog go "meoooooow"?
A:
Feed it through a circular saw.
Q:
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?
A: Sparky.
Don't
worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something
for it.
The
copier is currently out of sync. More sync is on order.
Never
hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Do
they allow tipping on the boat?
- Yes,
sir.
Show
me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.
A
truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
What's blue and covered with feathers?
A turkey holding its breath.
What
was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is it
possible to be totally partial?
What
do prisoners use to call each other?
- Cell
phones.
If
there
is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on
the outside?
- K9P.
I went to the
butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."
My friend drowned
in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Vici,
veni, VD.
I
came. I saw. I took a valium.
Did
Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
Please let me know if you did not receive this message.
Dyslexic skier: “Can I zag zig down this mountain?”
“Don’t
know pal, I’m a tobogganist”.
“OK,
give me a packet of Rothmans.”
“If
you don’t turn that fucking stereo down, I’ll go insane!”
“Too
late mum, I switched it off an hour ago.”
Based
on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
-
Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
-
Advising the President.
-
Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Anita
Bryant like Anita hole in the head.
You're
only as sick as your secrets.
Than
an oyster
There’s nothing moister.
Phil the carpenter was feeling depressed over how he was all alone during Christmas. So, the next morning while in his
workshop, he decided to take his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a horrible end but a beautiful finish.
Ghana
is to change over to driving on the right. The change will be
made gradually.
The average person has one ball and one tit.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
OOAQIC
I82QB4IP
2 Y's
U R.
2 Y's
U B.
I C U
R.
2 Y's
4 me!
Knock,
knock.
Who’s
there?
Astronaut.
Astronaut Who?
Astronaut what your country can do for you - ask what you can do
for your country.
The
perils of duck hunting are great, especially for the duck.
What
do you call fishes with no eyes?
-
Fshes.
What’s
got one eye, one ear and four legs?
- Half
a horse’s head on a chair.
Q. What sound does a space turkey make?
A. hubble, hubble, hubble.
Two
antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
A
doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying,
"It won't be long now."
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
There
are some things which are impossible to know - but it is
impossible to know these things.
NOSTALIA
If
you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air
conditioning.
-
Griff Niblack.
Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good
old days.
- Doug
Larson.
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad
memory.
-
Franklin Pierce Adams.
People
seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so
crazy about the first time around.
NUDITY
I’m
not against half-naked girls
- not
as often as I’d like to be….
-
Benny Hill.
If God
had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born that
way.
Streakers, your end is in sight.
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