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MAN
Man is
the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
- Mark
Twain.
I
believe the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped.
-
Theodore Dostoevsky.
What
do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about
radishes.
-
Samuel Beckett.
What
is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set,
ingenious machine for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red
wine of Shiraz into urine?
- Isak
Dinesen.
Man is
nature’s sole mistake.
- W.S.
Gilbert.
The
true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him
absolutely no good.
-
Samuel Johnson.
Man is
Creation’s masterpiece; but who says so?
-
Elbert Hubbard.
Apart
from man, no being wonders at his own existence.
-
Arthur Schopenhauer.
Man -
a reasoning rather than a reasonable animal.
-
Alexander Hamilton.
We
must, however, acknowledge, as it seems to me, that man with all
his noble qualities.....still bears in his bodily frame the
indelible stamp of his lowly origin.
-
Charles Darwin.
My
theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
-
Steven Wright.
No man
is an island, entire in itself; every man is a piece of the
continent, a part of the main.
- John
Donne.
The
control man has secured over nature has far outrun his control
over himself.
-
Ernest Jones.
Every
man has three characters - That which he exhibits, that which he
has, and that which he thinks he has.
-
Alphonse Karr.
Man,
biologically considered.....is the most formidable of all the
beasts of prey, and, indeed, the only one that preys
systematically on its own species.
-
William James.
One
man scorned and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage
to reach the unreachable stars;
and the world will be better for this.
-
Mitch Leigh, The Quest, based on Cervantes.
Man is
the only animal to whom the torture and death of his fellow
creatures is amusing in itself.
-
James A. Froude.
The
significance of man is that he is insignificant and is aware of
it.
- Carl
Becker.
The
last sound on this worthless earth will be two human beings
trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarrelling
about where they are going next.
-
William Faulkner.
Nature
gave man two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever
since then man’s success or failure has been dependent on the
one he used most.
-
George R. Kirkpatrick.
Men
have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they
marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
- H.L.
Mencken.
Man is
a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
-
Albert Schweitzer.
The
male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
-
Jilly Cooper.
I like
two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
- Mae
West.
Put a
man behind the wheel of a car, they say, and his personality
really starts to show itself.
- Alan
Ayckbourn.
Men?
On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.
Men
have two Hemotions: Hungry & Horny.
Home
Safety Tip for Men #1: Don't iron naked.
God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.
MANKIND
Whoever is not a misanthrope at forty can never have loved
mankind.
-
Albert Camus.
I hate
mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know
how bad I am.
-
Joseph Baretti.
I love
mankind - it's people I can't stand.
-
Charles M. Schulz, Go Fly a Kite, Charlie Brown.
Man is
the only kind of varmint sets his own trap, baits it, then steps
in it.
- John
Steinbeck, Sweet Thursday.
In
nature a repulsive caterpillar turns into a lovely butterfly.
But with humans it is the other way around: a lovely butterfly
turns into a repulsive caterpillar.
-
Anton Chekhov.
Such
is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah didn't miss
the boat.
-Mark
Twain.
It
would indeed be a tragedy if the history of the human race
proved to be nothing more than the story of an ape playing with
a box of matches on a petrol dump.
-
David Ormsby Gore.
Only
on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth,
knowledge, virtue, and abiding love.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
God
pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.
The
progress of evolution from President Washington to President
Grant is alone enough to upset Darwin.
-
Henry Adams, Education.
Man is
a strange animal, he doesn't like to read the handwriting on the
wall until his back is up against it.
-
Adlai Stevenson.
Why
should man expect his prayer for mercy to be heard by What is
above him when he shows no mercy to what is under him?
-
Pierre Troubetzkoy.
I
sometimes think of what future historians will say of us. A
single sentence will suffice for modern man: He fornicated and
read the papers.
-
Albert Camus.
So
there he is at last. Man on the moon. The poor magnificent
bungler! He can't even get to the office without undergoing
the
agonies of the damned, but give him a little metal, a few
chemicals, some wire and twenty or thirty billion dollars and
vroom!
there he is, up on a rock a quarter of a million miles up in the
sky.
-
Russell Baker, New York Times, 21 July 1969.
I
think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and
self-contain'd. I stand and look at them long and long. They
do not
sweat and whine about their condition.... Not one is
dissatisfied, not one is demented with the mania of owning
things,
not
one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived thousands of
years ago, not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole
earth.
- Walt
Whitman, Leaves of Grass.
In
creating the human brain, evolution has wildly overshot the
mark.
-
Arthur Koestler.
Modern
man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
MANNERS
Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If
you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which
fork you use.
-
Emily Post.
Many
who would not take the last cookie would take the last lifeboat.
-
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.
Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
-Eric
Hoffer.
The
only substitute for good manners are fast reflexes.
MARRIAGE, HUSBANDS
& WIVES
Marriage is a
wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
-
Billy Connolly.
I
tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
-
Woody Allen.
I
never married because there was no need. I have three pets at
home that serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
that
growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a
cat that comes home late at night.
-
Marie Corelli.
I was
married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-
Groucho Marx.
My
wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
-
Jimmy Durante.
I told
my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then
she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two
plumbers, and a bartender.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Peter Kay.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Oscar Wilde.
Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.
- H.L.
Mencken.
The
majority of husbands remind me of an orang-utan trying to play
the violin.
-
Honore de Balzac.
It has
been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be
summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.
-
Frank Muir.
My
mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita
Rudner.
I've
got seven kids; the three words you hear most around my house
are: "Hello” “goodbye” and “I'm pregnant.”
- Dean
Maerin.
"EGGHEAD WEDS HOURGLASS"
-
Headline of Variety, 1956, when Arthur Miller married
Marilyn Monroe.
No man
should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least
one woman.
-
Honore de Balzac.
Happy
is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to
do it.
- Lord
Mancroft.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
-
Groucho Marx.
A
husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been
extracted.
-
Helen Rowland.
By all
means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-
Socrates.
A good
marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-
Michel de Montaingne.
Brides
aren’t happy – they are triumphant.
- John
Barrymore.
All
tragedies are finished by death; all comedies are ended by a
marriage.
- Lord
Byron.
If you
go to war pray once; if you go on a sea journey pray twice; but
pray three times when you are going to be married.
-
Russian proverb.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-
Voltaire.
Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate.
-
Oscar Levant.
Please
don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
-
Homer Simpson.
The
dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we
get married.
-
Cyril Connolly.
Marriage is at best a dangerous experiment.
- T.L.
Peacock.
Every
woman should marry - and no man should.
-
Benjamin Disraeli.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.
- Max Kauffmann.
We do
not squabble, fight or have rows. We collect grudges. We’re in
an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon.
- Hugh
Leonard.
Wife:
Mr Watt next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he
leaves the house. I wish you’d do that.
Husband: But I hardly know the woman!
-
Alfred McFote.
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of
temptation with the minimum of opportunity.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
When
two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions,
they
are required to swear that they will remain in that excited,
abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do
them part.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Nothing so surely introduces a sour note into a wedding ceremony
as the abrupt disappearance of the groom in a cloud of dust.
- P.G.
Wodehouse.
Dear
Mrs A.
Hooray
Hooray
At
last you are deflowered.
On
this as every other day
I love
you. Noël Coward.
- Noël
Coward, wedding telegram to Gertrude Lawrence.
Do you
know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give
you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It
means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
-
George Burns.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep
with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the
window open.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Never
get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll
meet that night.
- Paul
Hornung.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
-
Katherine Hepburn.
It
destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human
being.
-
Benjamin Disraeli.
An
object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had
in pursuit.
-
Pliny the Younger (Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundis),
Letters.
After
the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6º of marriage!
-
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.
Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in
poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.
-
Beverley Nichols.
I
figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives
ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a
parking place in downtown Manhattan.
-
Claire Cloninger, When the Glass Slipper Doesn't Fit and the
Silver Spoon is in Someone Else's Mouth.
Marriage ceremony: an incredible metaphysical sham of watching
God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family.
- O.C.
Ogilvie.
You
know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-
Henny Youngman.
My
wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-
Rodney Dangerfield
How
can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on
treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
-
Oscar Wilde.
An
occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best
a man can hope for. Even then, no sooner has he learned how to
cope with the tick than she tocks.
-
Ogden Nash.
Don't
over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile
indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.
-
Ogden Nash.
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to
get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
-
Ogden Nash.
Many
marriages are simply working partnerships between businessmen
and housekeepers.
-
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.
Two
mothers-in-law.
- Lord
John Russell, on being asked what he would consider a proper
punishment for bigamy.
My
mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in
the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the
bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the
bedroom bit.
-
Jerry Hall.
Being
divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through
it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the
left.
- Jean
Kerr, Mary, Mary.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution.
- Mae
West.
I
never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by
then it was too late.
- Max
Kauffman.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
-
François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld.
I
never married because there was no need. I have three pets at
home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have
a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all
afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
-
Marie Corelli.
Give
up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive.
-
Juvenal, Satires.
We
were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were
married for four and a half years.
- Nick
Faldo.
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
-
Arthur Baer.
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as
silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa
Zsa Gabor.
Wedlock is a padlock.
- John
Ray, English Proverbs.
What
we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and
cures.
-
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and
then you wake up.
-
Evelyn Hendrickson.
The
Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when
soldiers go into battle.
-
Heinrich Heine.
No man
is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is
married.
-
Benjamin Disraeli.
In
olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is
still continued.
-
Helen Rowland, Reflections of a Bachelor Girl.
The
concept of two people living together for 25 years without a
serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in
sheep.
- A.P.
Herbert.
Rich
bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
-
Oscar Wilde.
I
belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting
married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers
to burn my toast for me.
- Dick
Martin.
She
was another one of his near Mrs.
-
Alfred McFote.
She
was just a passing fiancée.
-
Alfred McFote.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they
didn’t, they’d be married too.
- H.L.
Mencken.
I told
her I had always lived alone
And I
probably always would,
And
all I wanted was my freedom,
And
she told me that she understood.
But I
let her do some of my laundry
And
she slipped a few meals in between,
The
next thing I remember she was all moved in
And I
was buying her a washing machine.
-
Jackson Browne.
An
archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older
she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-
Agatha Christie.
‘Jeeves, I wish I had a daughter. I wonder what the procedure
is?’
‘Marriage is, I believe, considered the preliminary step, sir.’
- P.G.
Wodehouse.
A
mother-in-law dies only when another devil is needed in hell.
-
Francois Rabelais.
Behind
every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-
Hubert Humphrey.
The
most dangerous food is wedding cake.
-
American Proverb.
A man
needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Bigamy
is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
The
most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a
relative.
Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 100 grand.
85% of
women think their ass is too big…
10% of
women think their ass is too little…
The
other 5% say that they don’t care - they love him and would have
married him anyway.
Do you
realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they
leave the house? Of these same men 90% will kiss their house
goodbye when their wife leaves.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Masters.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
A
delighted incredulous bride
Remarked to the groom at her side:
‘I
never could quite
believe till tonight
Our
anatomies would coincide’.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
My
husband and I married for better or worse...
....
He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse.
If
your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Marriage changes passion - suddenly you're in bed with a
relative.
My
husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God, and I didn't.
Why do
married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to
the refrigerator, see nothing they want,
then
go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want,
then go to the refrigerator.
Love
is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
I
still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving.
Bigamy
is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
A husband is a lover who
pushed his luck too far.
With her marriage she
got a new name and a dress.
Give a
woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.
Wife:
“The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.”
Husband: “Which is this?”
My
wife says I don't listen to her...or something like that…
Husbands should come with instructions.
Some
marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
I take
my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Make
love, not war.
-
Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with a marriage.
Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women
pay for marriage.
Why
women stay single: They prefer the sausage to the whole pig.
Men
are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
My
husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.
Love is blind, but marriage is the real eye-opener.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
The
most common form of marriage proposal:
"YOU'RE WHAT!?"
I told
my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with
age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
How
many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do
women have smaller feet than men?
It's
one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do
you fix a woman's watch?
You
don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do
men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
What's
worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A
woman that won't do what she's told.
I
married Miss Right.
I just
didn't know her first name was Always.
I
haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I
don't like to interrupt her.
What
do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It is
called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our
last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I
said, "Dust!"
In the
beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God
nor Man has rested.
Why do
men die before their wives?
They
want to.
A
beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at
him
and
said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young
Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad:
That happens in every country, son.
A man
inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The
next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
In a
marriage, one quarrels over whether the bedroom window should be
open or shut, not about the destiny of the race or the future of
mankind.
Between loving couples,
The
major issues,
Are
who’ll get up,
And
fetch the tissues.
“My
wife’s an angel”.
“You’re lucky mate, mine’s still alive.”
My
wife hasn’t got a mouth, she’s got a hinge at the back of her
neck.
On
anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past, but
never the present.
Women
will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.
With
her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
FOR
SALE: Wedding dress. Worn once by mistake
MARX, GROUCHO
(Quotes by)
I
don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
members.
Outside of a dog, a book
is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
‘I've
had a wonderful evening,' Groucho Marx once said after a very
dull party, 'but this wasn't it.'
When
Chico Marx's wife caught him kissing a chorus girl and became
upset, he explained "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in
her mouth".
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
A man
is only as old as the woman he feels.
She
got her good looks from her father. He was a plastic surgeon.
I
didn’t like the play but then I saw it under adverse conditions
- the curtain was up.
No one
is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
I must
say I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
MATHEMATICS
Pure
mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas.
-
Albert Einstein.
Do not
worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you
mine are still greater.
-
Albert Einstein.
Arithmetic is where numbers fly like pigeons in and out of your
head.
- Carl
Sandburg, Arithmetic.
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but
supreme beauty, a beauty cold and austere like that of
sculpture.
- Alan
Turing.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking
off your shoes.
-
Mickey Mouse.
To
most outsiders, modern mathematics is unknown territory. Its
borders are protected by dense thickets of technical terms;
its landscapes are
a mass of indecipherable equations and incomprehensible
concepts. Few realize that the world of modern
mathematics is rich
with vivid images and provocative ideas.
- Ivars Peterson.
Anyone who cannot
cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a
tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not
make messes in the house.
- Robert Heinlein,
Time Enough for Love.
But mathematics is
the sister, as well as the servant, of the arts and is touched
with the same madness and genius.
- Harold Marston
Morse.
Mathematics is the supreme judge; from its decisions there is no
appeal.
-
Tobias Dantzig.
What
is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?
- J.M.
Barrie - British novelist and dramatist.
How do
you write zero in Roman numerals?
-
George Carlin.
Trigonometry is a sine of the times.
There
was a young man from Trinity,
Who
solved the square root of infinity.
While
counting the digits,
He was
seized by the fidgets,
Dropped science, and took up divinity.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
How
many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left
afterwards? You can subtract it as many times as you want, and
it leaves 76 every time.
If
mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try
multiplying by the page number.
Five
out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Two
wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.
Maths
problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
Practice safe algebra – always use brackets.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not
the same.
Conversion Factors:
Ratio
of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi.
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
banano second.
Weight an evangelist carries with God =1 billigram.
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong.
365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer =1 Lite year.
Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacard
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decaration
100 rations = 1 C-Ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
37 x
Multipliers of 3
3 x 37
= 111
6 x 37 = 222
9 x 37 = 333
12 x 37 = 444
15 x 37 = 555
18 x 37 = 666
21 x 37 = 777
24 x 37 = 888
27 x 37 = 999
111.111.111 x 111.111.111 = 12.345.678.987.654.321
Trapeze:
1 x 9
+ 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
another Trapeze:
1 x 8
+ 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
and
another one:
0 x 9
+ 8 = 8
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
987654321 x 9 - 1 = 8888888888
9876543210 x 9 - 2 = 88888888888
MEDICAL
I got
the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
wearing masks for.
-
James H. Boren.
A
hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the
cashier's office.
-
Francis O'Walsh.
A gene
can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of
gene it is.
- Dave
Barry.
Genes
are little items that are found in every living thing except
Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.
- Dave
Barry.
Never under any
circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.
- Dave Barry.
The
information encoded in your DNA determines your unique
biological characteristics, such as sex, eye colour, age and
Social Security number.
- Dave
Barry.
I
recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once
every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked
to
discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has
become since 1990.
- Dave
Barry.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they
will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat
in it.
- Dave
Barry.
I'm
addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any
difference.
-
Steven Wright.
I'm
taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm
coming or going.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
I have
the perfect cure for the sore throat; cut it.
-
Alfred Hitchcock.
I
wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never
read his prescription.
-
Finley Peter Dunne.
For
the man who has everything... Penicillin.
- F.
Borquin.
You
have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -
tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
-
Pearl Williams.
After
two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
- W.C.
Fields.
Who
ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it
to someone.
- Jan
King.
Never
go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma
Bombeck.
The
art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature
cures the disease.
-
Voltaire.
TB or
not TB, that is the congestion.
-
Woody Allen.
Let no
one suppose that the words ‘doctor’ and ‘patient’ can disguise
from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
How
holy people look when they are seasick!
-
Samuel Butler.
My
heart is pure as the driven slush.
-
Tallulah Bankhead.
When
you’re involved in an accident and someone asks "are you
alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be
off.
-
Billy Connolly.
“Those
tablets you gave me are great,” said the patient to his doctor,
“but they’re making me walk like a crab.”
“Well,
I did warn you about the side-effects,” replied his doctor.
There
is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer’s research. By 2020 there should be a large elderly
population with perky breasts, never ending erections, and no
recollection of what to do with either of them.
A
physician claims these were actual comments made by his male
patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:
-
“Take it easy Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone
before.”
- “Can
you hear me NOW?”
- “Hey
Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
- “You
used to be an executive from Enron, didn’t you?”
-
“Will this confirm I’m a perfect asshole?”
-
“This gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘Up Yours’.”
-
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in
fact not up there.”
-
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
- "You
know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
- "Any
sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.
We've
made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to
be merely an itch is now an allergy.
4
Stages of sickness:
(1)
Ill
(2)
Pill
(3)
Bill
(4)
Will
One
thousand Americans stop smoking every day - by dying.
The
only difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the
taste.
Things you don’t want to hear in the operating theatre:
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo!
Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait
a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand
me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
"Oh
no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops!
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Damn,
there go the lights again...."
"Ya
know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of
them."
"What
do you mean you want a divorce?"
"Ooooops!
Oh, Nooooo!".
MEDIOCRITY
In the republic of
mediocrity, genius is dangerous.
- Robert G. Ingersoll.
Good
behaviour is the last refuge of mediocrity.
-
Henry S. Haskins.
Some
men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men
have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-
Joseph Heller.
Titles
distinguish the mediocre, embarrass the superior, and are
disgraced by the inferior.
-
George Bernhard Shaw.
Great
spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities.
The latter cannot understand it when a man does not
thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and
courageously uses his intelligence.
-
Albert Einstein.
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent
instantly recognizes genius.
-
Arthur Conan Doyle, Complete Sherlock Holmes, Valley of Fear.
MEMORY &
FORGETFULNESS
First
you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull
your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
-
George Burns - on aging.
My
wife has a terrible memory - she never forgets a thing.
- Eric
Morecambe and Ernie Wise.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
- Stephen Wright.
One
man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
-
Ogden Nash.
Memory
is what tells a man that his wife's birthday was yesterday.
-
Mario Rocco.
Amnesiacs Anonymous meeting at ah, er, gimme a sec…
I may
have Alzheimers, but at least I don’t have Alzheimers.
My
memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as
sharp as it used to be.
A
retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget
is the true token of greatness
Seen
it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I
suffer from C.R.S: Can’t Remember Shit.
A
clear conscience is the sign of a poor memory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I
finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it.
MEN
All
men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some
woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not
careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.
-
Cynthia Heimel.
Can
you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat
women.
-
Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander.
No
nice men are good at getting taxis.
-
Katherine Whitehorn, the Observer.
The
first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and
buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has
termites. It's the same with men.
- Lupe
Velez.
You
see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-
Erica Jong.
Women
speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when
driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for
instance, he can't find any clean socks.
- Jean
Kerr, The Snake Has All the Lines.
If you
never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry
you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
- Rita Rudner.
I want
a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a
millionaire?
- Zsa
Zsa Gabor.
A
gentleman is simply a patient wolf.
- Lana
Turner.
I know
many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I
don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open coal hole
running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink.
-
George Jean Nathan.
Men
were made for war. Without it they wandered greyly about,
getting under the feet of the women, who were trying to organize
the really important things of life.
-
Alice Thomas Ellis.
Men
are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a
speeding car.
- Will
Durst.
All
men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD,
blah, blah, blah, BEER.
-
Dennis Leary.
My
boyfriend asked me why women think firemen are sexy, so I
explained the pole theory: Men love women who slide down poles,
and women love men who slide down poles. Subject dropped.
-
Terri Guillemets.
I
wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long
thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its
own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.
- Yoko
Ono.
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of
American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be
catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing
but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also
true now, but it will be even worse.
- Dave
Barry.
It is
a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions.
This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million
sperm cells to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the
egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
- Dave
Barry.
A man
is two people, himself and his cock. A man always takes his
friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer, being
more able to show his feelings.
-
Beryl Bainbridge.
A hard
man is good to find.
- Mae
West.
All
men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired
General Schwartzkopf.
-
General Norman Schwartzkopf (Ret.)
There
are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing
Jell-O to a tree, for instance.
A woman’s rule of
thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have
trouble with it.
Men
are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Jesus
was a typical man - they always say they'll come back but you
never see them again.
Three
wise men - are you serious?
Not
all men are annoying. Some are dead.
If
they can send a man to the moon, why can’t they send them all?
What
is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man
to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to
satisfy his one need.
Tell a
man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Men
are always whining about how we’re suffocating them. Personally,
I think if you can hear them whining you’re not pressing hard
enough on the pillow.
Men
are proof that women can take a joke.
Grow
your own dope - plant a man.
Real
men don't waste their hormones growing hair.
I'm
not suddenly a dirty old man... I've been practicing since 1969.
How
does a man take a bubble bath?
- He
eats beans for dinner.
How
can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
- He's
breathing.
How do
you save a man from drowning?
- Take
your foot off his head.
What
do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
- A
man's undivided attention.
How is
a man like a snowstorm?
-
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll
get, and how long it'll stay.
Why
did the man cross the road?
- He
heard the chicken was a slut.
MILITARY
"The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental ballistic missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear
warheads on board. If they are ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer."
- Access to Energy, July 1993.
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
The Piper Cub is the
safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
- Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot).
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Any ship can be a minesweeper. .. Once.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.
Never trade luck for skill.
Airspeed, altitude, and brains - two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; We never left one up there!
MISERY & SORROW
The
secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about
whether you are happy or not. The cure for this is occupation.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Men
who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of
the fact.
-
Bertrand Russell.
Sorrow
is a fruit: God does not make it grow on limbs too weak to bear
it.
-
Victor Hugo.
Noble
deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.
-
Dodie Smith.
You
can't be miserable if you're enjoying yourself.
- R.D.
Laing.
He's
turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
-
Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981.
When
you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
MISTAKES
Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.
-
Sophia Loren.
It was
when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to
something.
-
Ornette Coleman.
Never
say, "oops." Always say, "Aaah, interesting."
If you
don't make mistakes, you're not working on hard enough problems.
And that's a big mistake.
- F.
Wikzek.
An
expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made
in a very narrow field.
-
Niels Bohr.
The
only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
- John
Powell.
Anyone
who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
-
Albert Einstein.
Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.
-
Phyllis Theroux, Night Lights.
A man
who cannot make mistakes cannot do anything.
-
Bernard’s Bingo Magazine.
The
man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
-
Bishop W.C. Magee.
Wise
men learn by other men’s mistakes, fools by their own.
- H.G.
Bohn.
If a
thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
- G.K.
Chesterton.
Never
interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-
Napoleon Bonaparte.
To err
is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
Once I
thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Never
put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you
don’t have leg to stand on.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
the mail.
Some
mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
Mistakes? I don't make misakes!
Practice makes perfikt.
To err is human, to forgive…$5.00
Errors
have been made. Others will be blamed.
MODESTY
Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for
themselves how wonderful you are.
MONEY, BANKING &
FINANCIAL
People
will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
-
Peter Sellers.
Money
was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep
score. The real excitement is playing the game.
-
Donald Trump.
Armaments, universal debt and planned obsolescence - those are
the three pillars of Western prosperity.
-
Aldous Huxley, Island.
No
woman can be too rich or too thin.
-
Duchess of Windsor.
If
women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no
meaning.
- Aristotle Onassis.
I'm
not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a
billionaire.
-
Howard Hughes.
I
don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how
they employ it,
But I
do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.
-
Ogden Nash.
I
believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
-
Ogden Nash.
The
hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
-
Albert Einstein.
Any
man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
-
Errol Flynn.
I rob
banks because that's where the money is.
-
Willie Sutton.
Part
of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part
on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
-
George Raft.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where
to go shopping.
- Bo
Derek.
Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving
the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.
-
Taylor Meade.
More
and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my
net income with my gross habits.
- John
Nelson.
There
are three ways of losing money: Racing is the quickest, women
the most pleasant, and farming the most certain.
- Lord
Amherst.
Gentlemen prefer bonds.
-
Andrew Mellon.
If you
owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100
million, that's the bank's problem.
- J.
Paul Getty.
Virtue
has never been as respectable as money.
- Mark
Twain.
Every
crowd has a silver lining.
-
Phineas Taylor Barnum.
Do you
think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
-
Steven Wright.
Never
ask of money spent
Where
the spender thinks it went.
Nobody
was ever meant
To
remember or invent
What
he did with every cent.
-
Robert Frost.
We can
tell our values by looking at our check book stubs.
-
Gloria Steinem.
My
problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
-
Errol Flynn.
Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as
a screwdriver.
-
Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown,
Jr.
I am
opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.
- Mark
Twain.
There
are people who have money and people who are rich.
- Coco
Chanel.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar
haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
- Sam
Ewing.
Money
is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-
Woody Allen.
Women
prefer men who have something tender about them - especially the
legal kind.
- Kay
Ingram.
I'm so
poor I can't even pay attention.
- Ron
Kittle.
The
economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does
on weather forecasters.
-
Jean-Paul Kauffmann.
Money
will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his
tail.
-
Henry Wheeler Shaw.
A
woman's mink coat represents the sacrifice of a lot of little
animals, including her husband.
-
Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook.
A rich
man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W.C.
Fields.
That
money talks
I'll
not deny,
I
heard it once:
It
said, "Goodbye."
-
Richard Armour.
A bank
is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather, and
ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-
Robert Frost.
When
you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have
money, it's sex. When you have both it's health.
- J.
P. Donleavy.
Anyone
who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.
-
Oscar Wilde.
The
great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much
more or much less than you.
-
Katherine Whitethorn.
My
riches consist not in the extent of my possessions but in the
fewness of my wants.
- J.
Brotherton.
Why
pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a
bookmark?
-
Steven Spielberg.
Q: Why
did Robin Hood only rob the rich?
A:
Because the poor had no money.
-
The Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.
Never
invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
-
Billy Rose.
The
only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant
is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar
down and easy weekly payments.
-
Mad Magazine.
Bill
Gates is so rich that he wrote a check and the bank bounced.
If you
lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
It's
not money, but theories about it, that are the root of all evil.
Most
of my money I spent on women and booze. The rest I just wasted.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
The
best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
The
company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a
million dollars. That’s why he is retiring.
If you
don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
It's
morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
I
can't be overdrawn, I still have cheques.
Profit is irrele… is irr… - No! I can’t say it.
A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
If you
think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Filthy
stinking rich... well, two out of three ain't bad.
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow
money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say, “Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!”
Earn
cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.
I
ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.
Driver
carries no cash – got girlfriend,
We are
all self-made, but only the rich will admit it.
MORALITY
Moral
indignation is jealousy with a halo.
- H.G.
Wells.
The
books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the
world its own shame.
-
Oscar Wilde.
Morality is a disease which progresses in three stages: virtue -
boredom - syphilis.
- Karl
Kraus.
Christ
died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?
-
Jules Feiffer.
The
urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
that I assume it must be evil.
-
Heywood Broun.
The
evil that men do lives after them, the good is oft interred with
their bones.
-
William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar.
Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the
nose.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche, The Antichrist.
Morality is a private and costly luxury.
-
Henry B. Adams, The Education of Henry Adams.
There's nothing that
will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large
sums.
- Larry Flynt.
We
have two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but
do not practice and another which we practice but seldom preach.
-
Bertrand Russell.
Go
into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and
another a shilling, and see which will respect you most.
-
Samuel Johnson
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we
personally dislike.
-
Oscar Wilde.
We
know of no spectacle so ridiculous as the British public in one
of its periodical fits of morality.
-
Thomas Macaulay.
If you
must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried
before.
- Mae
West.
The
good things in life are either illegal, immoral, fattening,
cause cancer in laboratory mice or are taxed beyond reality.
Always
remember to pillage before you burn.
Mental
Floss prevents Moral Decay.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
MORNINGS
If
you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-
Henny Youngman.
The
older generation thought nothing of getting up at five every
morning - and the younger generation doesn't think much of it
either.
- John
J. Welsh.
I have
a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the
words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to
slap a dead poet.
-
Joanne Sherman.
No
human being believes that any other human being has a right to
be in bed when he himself is up.
-
Robert Lynd.
Early
morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
-
William Feather.
I
don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If
morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning
motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.
- Rita
Rudner.
MOTIVATION
When
he reached the New World, Cortez burned his ships. As a result
his crew were well motivated.
I have a great new motivational technique: it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.
MURDER
Kill
one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a
conqueror. Kill all and you are God.
- Jean
Rostand.
One
murder makes a villain, millions make a hero.
-
Bishop Beilby Porteous.
If the
desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together,
who would escape hanging?
- Mark
Twain.
Murder
is always a mistake….One should never do anything that one
cannot talk about after dinner.
-
Oscar Wilde.
It’s a
fine day: Let’s go out and kill something.
MUSIC
Cute
little babies that fall out of swings,
These
are a few of my favourite things.
-
Oscar Hammerstein, working a lyric for a piece from The Sound
of Music.
Of all
noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.
- Dr.
Samuel Johnson.
The
chief objection to wind instruments is that they prolong the
life of the player.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
I
can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to
conquer Poland.
-
Woody Allen.
Is
Wagner actually a man? Is he not rather a disease? Everything he
touches falls ill. He has made music sick.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche.
In
Bach's time, the string players used very little vibrato. How
could Bach have 20 children, if he had no vibrato?
- Paul
Hindemith.
I only
know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.
-
Victor Borge.
The
Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
Barney....
- Steven Wright.
He has
Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Billy Wilder.
Let a
short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians
outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may
assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols, or bombs
without incurring any penalties.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
I
remembered a story of how Bach was approached by a young admirer
one day and asked, "But Papa Bach, how do you manage to think of
all these new tunes?" "My dear fellow," Bach is said to have
answered, according to my version, "I have no need to think of
them. I have the greatest difficulty not to step on them when I
get out of bed in the morning and start moving around my room."
-
Laurens Van der Post.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
- Voltaire.
My son does not
appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more
into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."
- Dave Barry.
We
idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the
Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their
original teeth.
- Dave
Barry.
Speaking of music: We also had our consciousness raised several
feet by the experience of attending the classic '60's rock
concert... where everybody would sit around marinating in an
atmosphere that was 1 part oxygen, 4 parts nitrogen and 17 parts
doobie vapour.
- Dave
Barry.
Assassins!
-
Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra.
We
live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the
chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one fucking
bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!
-
Dennis Leary.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
-
George Carlin.
It is
quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They
may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it
makes.
- Sir
Thomas Beecham.
There
are things known and there are things unknown, and in between
are The Doors.
- Jim Morrison.
The
difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns
longer.
-
Victor Borge.
If you
have to ask what jazz is, you’ll never know.
-
Louis Armstrong.
Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
- Mark
Twain.
It is
sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already
been dead for a year.
- Tom
Lehrer.
Good
rock stars take drugs, put their penises in plaster of paris,
collectivise their sex, molest policemen, promote
self-curiosity, unlock myriad spirits, epitomise fun, freedom
and bullshit. Can the busiest anarchist on your block match
that?
-
Richard Neville.
Mick
Jagger has big lips. I saw him suck an egg out of a chicken. He
can play a tuba from both ends. This man had got child-bearing
lips….
- Joan
Rivers.
Music
washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
-
Berthold Auerbach.
If the
King loves music, it is well with the land.
-
Mencius.
Why
waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor
Mass?
-
Michael Torke.
And
the night shall be filled with music,
And
the cares that infest the day
Shall
fold their tents like the Arabs
And as
silently steal away.
-
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Day Is Done.
My
idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the
world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require.
-
Edward Elgar.
Music
is the wine which inspires one to new generative processes, and
I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for mankind and
makes them spiritually drunken.
-
Ludwig van Beethoven.
An
intellectual is someone who can listen to the "William Tell
Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
- John
Chesson.
You
can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and
go slow.
-
Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket.
The
notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses
between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides!
-
Artur Schnabel.
I
worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.
- Lily Tomlin.
Dicky Hart and the
Pacemakers.
- Name of band, London,
1984.
Play
the music, not the instrument.
-
Composer unknown.
Show
me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
A
great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd
Be Out of Jail by Now.
Music
is what feelings sound like.
Forget
the notes and play the music.
“Why
do you always go to the balcony when your wife starts singing?”
“So
that no one thinks I’m beating her.”
He
often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Leonard Bernstein can't tell his brass from his oboe.
In
case of Brahms, exit here.
Broken
guitar for sale - no strings attached.
He
often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Bumper
sticker in the year 2100: disco still sucks.
Was
Handel a crank?
The
‘c’ in rap is silent.
Rap is
to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
/ OXYMORONS
Act
naturally
Adult
male
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
Almost
exactly
Alone
together
British fashion
Business ethics
Butt
head
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Civil
engineer
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Constant variable
Deafening silence
Definite maybe
Diet
ice cream
Even
odds
Exact
estimate
Extinct Life
Found
missing
Free
love
Fresh
frozen
Friendly weapons
Genuine imitation
Good
grief
Government organization
Hell’s
Angels
Jumbo
shrimp
Larger
Half
Legally drunk
Liquid
gas
Living
dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
Minor
crisis
New
classic
New
York culture
"Now,
then ..."
Oddly
appropriate
Only
choice
Open
Secret
Original copies
Passive aggression
Peace
force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Pretty
ugly
Rap
music
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Rolling stop
Safe
sex
Same
difference
Sanitary landfill
Seriously funny
Silent
scream
Small
crowd
Soft
rock
Software documentation
Sweet
sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped
live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight
slacks
Tragic
comedy
Unbiased opinion
Virtual reality
Working holiday
- Why
is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
- Why
do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
- Why
do "tug" boats push their barges?
- Why
are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
- Why
is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
- Why
do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
- If
love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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