The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations M

 

 

MAN

 

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

- Mark Twain.

 

I believe the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped.

- Theodore Dostoevsky.

 

What do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.

- Samuel Beckett.

 

What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine?

- Isak Dinesen.

 

Man is nature’s sole mistake.

- W.S. Gilbert.

 

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

- Samuel Johnson.

 

Man is Creation’s masterpiece; but who says so?

- Elbert Hubbard.

 

Apart from man, no being wonders at his own existence.

- Arthur Schopenhauer.

 

Man - a reasoning rather than a reasonable animal.

- Alexander Hamilton.

 

We must, however, acknowledge, as it seems to me, that man with all his noble qualities.....still bears in his bodily frame the indelible stamp of his lowly origin.

- Charles Darwin.

 

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

- Steven Wright.

 

No man is an island, entire in itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.

- John Donne.

 

The control man has secured over nature has far outrun his control over himself.

- Ernest Jones.

 

Every man has three characters - That which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has.

- Alphonse Karr.

 

Man, biologically considered.....is the most formidable of all the beasts of prey, and, indeed, the only one that preys systematically on its own species.

- William James.

 

One man scorned and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage
to reach the unreachable stars;
and the world will be better for this.

- Mitch Leigh, The Quest, based on Cervantes.

 

Man is the only animal to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.

- James A. Froude.

 

The significance of man is that he is insignificant and is aware of it.

- Carl Becker.

 

The last sound on this worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarrelling about where they are going next.

- William Faulkner.

 

Nature gave man two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man’s success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.

- George R. Kirkpatrick.

 

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

- Albert Schweitzer.

 

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

- Jilly Cooper.

 

I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

- Mae West.

 

Put a man behind the wheel of a car, they say, and his personality really starts to show itself.

- Alan Ayckbourn.

 

Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.Men Taglines, Humor, Men, Taglines, Male, Masculine, Manly, Tag Lines, One Liners, Real men, Funny (pixel.gif - 0.04 K)

 

Men have two Hemotions: Hungry & Horny.

 

Home Safety Tip for Men #1: Don't iron naked.

 

God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.

 

MANKIND

 

Whoever is not a misanthrope at forty can never have loved mankind.

- Albert Camus.

 

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

- Joseph Baretti.

 

I love mankind - it's people I can't stand.

- Charles M. Schulz, Go Fly a Kite, Charlie Brown.

 

Man is the only kind of varmint sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it.

- John Steinbeck, Sweet Thursday.

 

In nature a repulsive caterpillar turns into a lovely butterfly. But with humans it is the other way around: a lovely butterfly turns into a repulsive caterpillar.

- Anton Chekhov.

 

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah didn't miss the boat.

-Mark Twain.

 

It would indeed be a tragedy if the history of the human race proved to be nothing more than the story of an ape playing with a box of matches on a petrol dump.

- David Ormsby Gore.

 

Only on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth, knowledge, virtue, and abiding love.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.

 

The progress of evolution from President Washington to President Grant is alone enough to upset Darwin.

- Henry Adams, Education.

 

Man is a strange animal, he doesn't like to read the handwriting on the wall until his back is up against it.

- Adlai Stevenson.

 

Why should man expect his prayer for mercy to be heard by What is above him when he shows no mercy to what is under him?

- Pierre Troubetzkoy.

 

I sometimes think of what future historians will say of us. A single sentence will suffice for modern man: He fornicated and read the papers.

- Albert Camus.

 

So there he is at last. Man on the moon. The poor magnificent bungler! He can't even get to the office without undergoing

the agonies of the damned, but give him a little metal, a few chemicals, some wire and twenty or thirty billion dollars and

vroom! there he is, up on a rock a quarter of a million miles up in the sky.

- Russell Baker, New York Times, 21 July 1969.

 

I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contain'd. I stand and look at them long and long. They

do not sweat and whine about their condition.... Not one is dissatisfied, not one is demented with the mania of owning things,

not one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived thousands of years ago, not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole earth.

- Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass.

 

In creating the human brain, evolution has wildly overshot the mark.

- Arthur Koestler.

 

Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

 

MANNERS

 

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.

- Emily Post.

 

Many who would not take the last cookie would take the last lifeboat.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.

-Eric Hoffer.

 

The only substitute for good manners are fast reflexes.

 

MARRIAGE, HUSBANDS & WIVES

 

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

- Billy Connolly.

 

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

- Woody Allen.

 

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home that serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog

that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

- Marie Corelli.

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx.

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante.

 

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Peter Kay.
 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Oscar Wilde.
 

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

The majority of husbands remind me of an orang-utan trying to play the violin.

- Honore de Balzac.

 

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.

- Frank Muir.

 

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

- Rita Rudner.

 

I've got seven kids; the three words you hear most around my house are: "Hello” “goodbye” and “I'm pregnant.”

- Dean Maerin.

 

"EGGHEAD WEDS HOURGLASS"

- Headline of Variety, 1956, when Arthur Miller married Marilyn Monroe.

 

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

- Honore de Balzac.

 

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.

- Lord Mancroft.

 

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

- Groucho Marx.

 

A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted.

- Helen Rowland.

 

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates.

 

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

- Michel de Montaingne.

 

Brides aren’t happy – they are triumphant.

- John Barrymore.

 

All tragedies are finished by death; all comedies are ended by a marriage.

- Lord Byron.

 

If you go to war pray once; if you go on a sea journey pray twice; but pray three times when you are going to be married.

- Russian proverb.

 

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

- Voltaire.

 

Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate.

- Oscar Levant.

 

Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

- Homer Simpson.

 

The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get married.

- Cyril Connolly.

 

Marriage is at best a dangerous experiment.

- T.L. Peacock.

Every woman should marry - and no man should.

- Benjamin Disraeli.

 
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.
- Max Kauffmann.
 

We do not squabble, fight or have rows. We collect grudges. We’re in an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon.

- Hugh Leonard.

 

Wife: Mr Watt next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish you’d do that.

Husband: But I hardly know the woman!

- Alfred McFote.

 

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the minimum of opportunity.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions,

they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Nothing so surely introduces a sour note into a wedding ceremony as the abrupt disappearance of the groom in a cloud of dust.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

Dear Mrs A.

Hooray Hooray

At last you are deflowered.

On this as every other day

I love you. Noël Coward.

- Noël Coward, wedding telegram to Gertrude Lawrence.

 

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

- George Burns.

 

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.

- Paul Hornung.

 

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

- Katherine Hepburn.

 

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

- Benjamin Disraeli.

 

An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.

- Pliny the Younger (Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundis), Letters.

 

After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6º of marriage!

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.

- Beverley Nichols.

 

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.

- Claire Cloninger, When the Glass Slipper Doesn't Fit and the Silver Spoon is in Someone Else's Mouth.

 

Marriage ceremony: an incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family.

- O.C. Ogilvie.

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

- Henny Youngman.

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for. Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Many marriages are simply working partnerships between businessmen and housekeepers.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

Two mothers-in-law.

- Lord John Russell, on being asked what he would consider a proper punishment for bigamy.

 

My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

- Jerry Hall.

 

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

- Jean Kerr, Mary, Mary.

 

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

- Mae West.

 

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

- Max Kauffman.

 

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

- François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld.

 

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.

I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

- Marie Corelli.

 

Give up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive.

- Juvenal, Satires.

 

We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.

- Nick Faldo.

 

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.

- Arthur Baer.

 

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor.

 

Wedlock is a padlock.

- John Ray, English Proverbs.

 

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

- Evelyn Hendrickson.

 

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle.

- Heinrich Heine.

 

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.

- Benjamin Disraeli.

 

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued.

- Helen Rowland, Reflections of a Bachelor Girl.

 

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

- A.P. Herbert.

 

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

- Dick Martin.

 

She was another one of his near Mrs.

- Alfred McFote.

 

She was just a passing fiancée.

- Alfred McFote.

 

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

I told her I had always lived alone

And I probably always would,

And all I wanted was my freedom,

And she told me that she understood.

But I let her do some of my laundry

And she slipped a few meals in between,

The next thing I remember she was all moved in

And I was buying her a washing machine.

- Jackson Browne.

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

- Agatha Christie.

 

‘Jeeves, I wish I had a daughter. I wonder what the procedure is?’

‘Marriage is, I believe, considered the preliminary step, sir.’

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

A mother-in-law dies only when another devil is needed in hell.

- Francois Rabelais.

 

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

- Hubert Humphrey.

 

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

- American Proverb.

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

 

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 100 grand.

 

85% of women think their ass is too big…

10% of women think their ass is too little…

The other 5% say that they don’t care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

 

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house? Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

 

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Masters.
 
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
 
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
 
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
 
WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

 

A delighted incredulous bride

Remarked to the groom at her side:

‘I never could quite

believe till tonight

Our anatomies would coincide’.

 

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

 

My husband and I married for better or worse...

.... He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse.

 

If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

 

Marriage changes passion - suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

 

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want,

then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

 

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

 

I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving.

 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

 

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.

 

A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.

 

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.

 

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.”

Husband: “Which is this?”

 

My wife says I don't listen to her...or something like that…

 

Husbands should come with instructions.

 

Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

Make love, not war.

- Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!


Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with a marriage.

 

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.

 

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.

 

Why women stay single: They prefer the sausage to the whole pig.

 

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

 

Love is blind, but marriage is the real eye-opener.
 
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
 
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.

 

The most common form of marriage proposal:

"YOU'RE WHAT!?"

 

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

 

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

 

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

 

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:

I don't like to interrupt her.

 

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It is called Wedding Cake.

 

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

 

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

 

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

 

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him

and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

In a marriage, one quarrels over whether the bedroom window should be open or shut, not about the destiny of the race or the future of mankind.

 

Between loving couples,

The major issues,

Are who’ll get up,

And fetch the tissues.

 

“My wife’s an angel”.

“You’re lucky mate, mine’s still alive.”

 

My wife hasn’t got a mouth, she’s got a hinge at the back of her neck.

 

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past, but never the present.

 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

 

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

FOR SALE: Wedding dress. Worn once by mistake

 

MARX, GROUCHO (Quotes by)

 

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

 

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

 

‘I've had a wonderful evening,' Groucho Marx once said after a very dull party, 'but this wasn't it.'

 

When Chico Marx's wife caught him kissing a chorus girl and became upset, he explained "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth".

 

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

 

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

 

She got her good looks from her father. He was a plastic surgeon.

 

I didn’t like the play but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

 

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

 

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

 

MATHEMATICS

 

Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Arithmetic is where numbers fly like pigeons in and out of your head.

- Carl Sandburg, Arithmetic.

 

Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty, a beauty cold and austere like that of sculpture.

- Alan Turing.

 

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

- Mickey Mouse.

 

To most outsiders, modern mathematics is unknown territory. Its borders are protected by dense thickets of technical terms;

its landscapes are a mass of indecipherable equations and incomprehensible concepts. Few realize that the world of modern

mathematics is rich with vivid images and provocative ideas.

- Ivars Peterson.

 

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.

- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love.

 

But mathematics is the sister, as well as the servant, of the arts and is touched with the same madness and genius.

- Harold Marston Morse.

 

Mathematics is the supreme judge; from its decisions there is no appeal.

- Tobias Dantzig.

 

What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?

- J.M. Barrie - British novelist and dramatist.

 

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

- George Carlin.

 

Trigonometry is a sine of the times.

 

There was a young man from Trinity,

Who solved the square root of infinity.

While counting the digits,

He was seized by the fidgets,

Dropped science, and took up divinity.

 

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

 

How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? You can subtract it as many times as you want, and it leaves 76 every time.

 

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

 

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.

 

Maths problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

 

Practice safe algebra – always use brackets.

 

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 

Without geometry, life is pointless.

 

Numbers are tools, not rules.

 

Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.

 

Conversion Factors:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi.


Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 banano second.

Weight an evangelist carries with God =1 billigram.

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =  Knotfurlong.

365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer =1 Lite year.


Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacard

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decaration

100 rations = 1 C-Ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

 

37 x Multipliers of 3

3 x 37 = 111
6 x 37 = 222
9 x 37 = 333
12 x 37 = 444
15 x 37 = 555
18 x 37 = 666
21 x 37 = 777
24 x 37 = 888
27 x 37 = 999

 

111.111.111 x 111.111.111 = 12.345.678.987.654.321

 

Trapeze:

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111

 

another Trapeze:

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

 

and another one:

0 x 9 + 8 = 8
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
987654321 x 9 - 1 = 8888888888
9876543210 x 9 - 2 = 88888888888

 

MEDICAL

 

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

- James H. Boren.

 

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office.

- Francis O'Walsh.

 

A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

- Dave Barry.

 

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

- Dave Barry.

 

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- Dave Barry.

 

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye colour, age and Social Security number.

- Dave Barry.

 

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to

discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

- Dave Barry.

 

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

- Dave Barry.

 

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

- Steven Wright.

 

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

I have the perfect cure for the sore throat; cut it.

- Alfred Hitchcock.

 

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.

- Finley Peter Dunne.

 

For the man who has everything... Penicillin.

- F. Borquin.

 

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

- Pearl Williams.

 

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

- W.C. Fields.

 

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

- Jan King.

 

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

- Voltaire.

 

TB or not TB, that is the congestion.

- Woody Allen.

 

Let no one suppose that the words ‘doctor’ and ‘patient’ can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

How holy people look when they are seasick!

- Samuel Butler.

 

My heart is pure as the driven slush.

- Tallulah Bankhead.

 

When you’re involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

- Billy Connolly.

 

“Those tablets you gave me are great,” said the patient to his doctor, “but they’re making me walk like a crab.”

“Well, I did warn you about the side-effects,” replied his doctor.

 

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. By 2020 there should be a large elderly population with perky breasts, never ending erections, and no recollection of what to do with either of them.

 

A physician claims these were actual comments made by his male patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:

- “Take it easy Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

- “Can you hear me NOW?”

- “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

- “You used to be an executive from Enron, didn’t you?”

- “Will this confirm I’m a perfect asshole?”

- “This gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘Up Yours’.”

- “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.”

- "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

- "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

- "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

 

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

 

We've made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

 

4 Stages of sickness:

(1) Ill

(2) Pill

(3) Bill

(4) Will

 

One thousand Americans stop smoking every day - by dying.

 

The only difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.

 

Things you don’t want to hear in the operating theatre:

 

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

"Ooooops! Oh, Nooooo!".

 

MEDIOCRITY

 

In the republic of mediocrity, genius is dangerous.

- Robert G. Ingersoll.

 

Good behaviour is the last refuge of mediocrity.

- Henry S. Haskins.

 

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

- Joseph Heller.

 

Titles distinguish the mediocre, embarrass the superior, and are disgraced by the inferior.

- George Bernhard Shaw.

 

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius.

- Arthur Conan Doyle, Complete Sherlock Holmes, Valley of Fear.

 

MEMORY & FORGETFULNESS

 

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

- George Burns - on aging.

 

My wife has a terrible memory - she never forgets a thing.

- Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise.

 
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
- Stephen Wright.

 

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Memory is what tells a man that his wife's birthday was yesterday.

- Mario Rocco.

 

Amnesiacs Anonymous meeting at ah, er, gimme a sec…

 

I may have Alzheimers, but at least I don’t have Alzheimers.

 

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

 

A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness

 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

 

I suffer from C.R.S: Can’t Remember Shit.

 

A clear conscience is the sign of a poor memory.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it.

 

MEN

 

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.

- Cynthia Heimel.

 

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

- Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander.

 

No nice men are good at getting taxis.

- Katherine Whitehorn, the Observer.

 

The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men.

- Lupe Velez.

 

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

- Erica Jong.

 

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

- Jean Kerr, The Snake Has All the Lines.

 

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
- Rita Rudner.

 

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

- Zsa Zsa Gabor.

 

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

- Lana Turner.

 

I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink.

- George Jean Nathan.

 

Men were made for war. Without it they wandered greyly about, getting under the feet of the women, who were trying to organize the really important things of life.

- Alice Thomas Ellis.

 

Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car.

- Will Durst.

 

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

- Dennis Leary.

 

My boyfriend asked me why women think firemen are sexy, so I explained the pole theory: Men love women who slide down poles, and women love men who slide down poles. Subject dropped.

- Terri Guillemets.

 

I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.

- Yoko Ono.

 

Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even worse.

- Dave Barry.

 

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

- Dave Barry.

 

A man is two people, himself and his cock. A man always takes his friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer, being more able to show his feelings.

- Beryl Bainbridge.

 

A hard man is good to find.

- Mae West.

 

All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.

- General Norman Schwartzkopf (Ret.)

 

There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

 

A woman’s rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

 

Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

 

Jesus was a typical man - they always say they'll come back but you never see them again.

 

Three wise men - are you serious?

 

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

 

If they can send a man to the moon, why can’t they send them all?

 

What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

 

Men are always whining about how we’re suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

 

Men are proof that women can take a joke.

 

Grow your own dope - plant a man.

 

Real men don't waste their hormones growing hair.

 

I'm not suddenly a dirty old man... I've been practicing since 1969.

 

How does a man take a bubble bath?

- He eats beans for dinner.

 

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

- He's breathing.

 

How do you save a man from drowning?

- Take your foot off his head.

 

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?

- A man's undivided attention.

 

How is a man like a snowstorm?

- Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

 

Why did the man cross the road?

- He heard the chicken was a slut.

 

MILITARY

 

"The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental ballistic missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear 
warheads on board. If they are ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer."
- Access to Energy, July 1993.
 
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
 

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
- Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot.

 
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.
 
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck 
arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot).

 

Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
 
Any ship can be a minesweeper. .. Once.
 
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
 
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
 
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
 
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.
 
Never trade luck for skill.
 
Airspeed, altitude, and brains - two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
 
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; We never left one up there!

 

MISERY & SORROW

 

The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for this is occupation.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

Sorrow is a fruit: God does not make it grow on limbs too weak to bear it.

- Victor Hugo.

 

Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.

- Dodie Smith.

 

You can't be miserable if you're enjoying yourself.

- R.D. Laing.

 

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

- Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981.

 

When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

 

MISTAKES

 

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

- Sophia Loren.

 

It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something.

- Ornette Coleman.

 

Never say, "oops." Always say, "Aaah, interesting."

 

If you don't make mistakes, you're not working on hard enough problems. And that's a big mistake.

- F. Wikzek.

 

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.

- Niels Bohr.

 

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

- John Powell.

 

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.

- Phyllis Theroux, Night Lights.

 

A man who cannot make mistakes cannot do anything.

- Bernard’s Bingo Magazine.

 

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

- Bishop W.C. Magee.

 

Wise men learn by other men’s mistakes, fools by their own.

- H.G. Bohn.

 

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

- G.K. Chesterton.

 

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

- Napoleon Bonaparte.

 

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.

 

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

 

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have leg to stand on.

 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

 

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

 

Mistakes? I don't make misakes!
 
Practice makes perfikt.
 
To err is human, to forgive…$5.00

 

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

 

MODESTY

 

Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are.

 

MONEY, BANKING & FINANCIAL

 

People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.

- Peter Sellers.

 

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.

- Donald Trump.

 

Armaments, universal debt and planned obsolescence - those are the three pillars of Western prosperity.

- Aldous Huxley, Island.

 

No woman can be too rich or too thin.

- Duchess of Windsor.

 

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- Aristotle Onassis.

 

I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire.

- Howard Hughes.

 

I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it,

But I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.

- Ogden Nash.

 

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable.

- Ogden Nash.

 

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.

- Errol Flynn.

 

I rob banks because that's where the money is.

- Willie Sutton.

 

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

- George Raft.

 

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

- Bo Derek.

 

Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.

- Taylor Meade.

 

More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.

- John Nelson.

 

There are three ways of losing money: Racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain.

- Lord Amherst.

 

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

- Andrew Mellon.

 

If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

- J. Paul Getty.

 

Virtue has never been as respectable as money.

- Mark Twain.

 

Every crowd has a silver lining.

- Phineas Taylor Barnum.

 

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

- Steven Wright.

 

Never ask of money spent

Where the spender thinks it went.

Nobody was ever meant

To remember or invent

What he did with every cent.

- Robert Frost.

 

We can tell our values by looking at our check book stubs.

- Gloria Steinem.

 

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

- Errol Flynn.

 

Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.

- Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

 

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

- Mark Twain.

 

There are people who have money and people who are rich.

- Coco Chanel.

 

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

- Sam Ewing.

 

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

- Woody Allen.

 

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially the legal kind.

- Kay Ingram.

 

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

- Ron Kittle.

 

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.

- Jean-Paul Kauffmann.

 

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.

- Henry Wheeler Shaw.

 

A woman's mink coat represents the sacrifice of a lot of little animals, including her husband.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook.

 

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

- W.C. Fields.

 

That money talks

I'll not deny,

I heard it once:

It said, "Goodbye."

- Richard Armour.

 

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather, and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

- Robert Frost.

 

When you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both it's health.

- J. P. Donleavy.

 

Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.

- Katherine Whitethorn.

 

My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions but in the fewness of my wants.

- J. Brotherton.

 

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?

- Steven Spielberg.

 

Q: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?

A: Because the poor had no money.

- The Big Book of Jokes and Riddles.

 

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.

- Billy Rose.

 

The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.

- Mad Magazine.

 

Bill Gates is so rich that he wrote a check and the bank bounced.

 

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 

It's not money, but theories about it, that are the root of all evil.

 

Most of my money I spent on women and booze. The rest I just wasted.

 

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

 

The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.

 

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he is retiring.

 

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

 

It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

 

I can't be overdrawn, I still have cheques.

 
Profit is irrele… is irr… - No! I can’t say it.
 
A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
 
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
 
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
 
I am having an out-of-money experience.
 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

 

Filthy stinking rich... well, two out of three ain't bad.

 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 
A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
 
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say, “Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!”

 

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.

 

I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.

 

Driver carries no cash – got girlfriend,

 

We are all self-made, but only the rich will admit it.

 

MORALITY

 

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

- H.G. Wells.

 

The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Morality is a disease which progresses in three stages: virtue - boredom - syphilis.

- Karl Kraus.

 

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?

- Jules Feiffer.

 

The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.

- Heywood Broun.

 

The evil that men do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones.

- William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar.

 

Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose.

- Friedrich Nietzsche, The Antichrist.

 

Morality is a private and costly luxury.

- Henry B. Adams, The Education of Henry Adams.

 

There's nothing that will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large sums.

- Larry Flynt.

 

We have two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice and another which we practice but seldom preach.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

Go into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and another a shilling, and see which will respect you most.

- Samuel Johnson

 

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

We know of no spectacle so ridiculous as the British public in one of its periodical fits of morality.

- Thomas Macaulay.

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

- Mae West.

 

The good things in life are either illegal, immoral, fattening, cause cancer in laboratory mice or are taxed beyond reality.

 

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

 

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

 

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
 

MORNINGS

 

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

- Henny Youngman.

 

The older generation thought nothing of getting up at five every morning - and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either.

- John J. Welsh.

 

I have a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet.

- Joanne Sherman.

 

No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.

- Robert Lynd.

 

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

- William Feather.

 

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

- Rita Rudner.

 

MOTIVATION

 

When he reached the New World, Cortez burned his ships. As a result his crew were well motivated.

 
I have a great new motivational technique: it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.

 

MURDER

 

Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill all and you are God.

- Jean Rostand.

 

One murder makes a villain, millions make a hero.

- Bishop Beilby Porteous.

 

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?

- Mark Twain.

 

Murder is always a mistake….One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

It’s a fine day: Let’s go out and kill something.

 

MUSIC

 

Cute little babies that fall out of swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

- Oscar Hammerstein, working a lyric for a piece from The Sound of Music.

 

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

- Dr. Samuel Johnson.

 

The chief objection to wind instruments is that they prolong the life of the player.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

- Woody Allen.

 

Is Wagner actually a man? Is he not rather a disease? Everything he touches falls ill. He has made music sick.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.

 

In Bach's time, the string players used very little vibrato. How could Bach have 20 children, if he had no vibrato?

- Paul Hindemith.

 

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

- Victor Borge.

 

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney....
- Steven Wright.

 

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Billy Wilder.

 

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols, or bombs without incurring any penalties.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

I remembered a story of how Bach was approached by a young admirer one day and asked, "But Papa Bach, how do you manage to think of all these new tunes?" "My dear fellow," Bach is said to have answered, according to my version, "I have no need to think of them. I have the greatest difficulty not to step on them when I get out of bed in the morning and start moving around my room."

- Laurens Van der Post.

 

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
- Voltaire.

 

My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."

- Dave Barry.

 

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

- Dave Barry.

 

Speaking of music: We also had our consciousness raised several feet by the experience of attending the classic '60's rock concert... where everybody would sit around marinating in an atmosphere that was 1 part oxygen, 4 parts nitrogen and 17 parts doobie vapour.

- Dave Barry.

 

Assassins!

- Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra.

 

We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one fucking bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!

- Dennis Leary.

 

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

- George Carlin.

 

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

- Sir Thomas Beecham.

 

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are The Doors.
- Jim Morrison.

 

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

- Victor Borge.

 

If you have to ask what jazz is, you’ll never know.

- Louis Armstrong.

 

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

- Mark Twain.

 

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.

- Tom Lehrer.

 

Good rock stars take drugs, put their penises in plaster of paris, collectivise their sex, molest policemen, promote self-curiosity, unlock myriad spirits, epitomise fun, freedom and bullshit. Can the busiest anarchist on your block match that?

- Richard Neville.

 

Mick Jagger has big lips. I saw him suck an egg out of a chicken. He can play a tuba from both ends. This man had got child-bearing lips….

- Joan Rivers.

 

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

- Berthold Auerbach.

 

If the King loves music, it is well with the land.

- Mencius.

 

Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass?

- Michael Torke.

 

And the night shall be filled with music,

And the cares that infest the day

Shall fold their tents like the Arabs

And as silently steal away.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Day Is Done.

 

My idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require.

- Edward Elgar.

 

Music is the wine which inspires one to new generative processes, and I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for mankind and makes them spiritually drunken.

- Ludwig van Beethoven.

 

An intellectual is someone who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

- John Chesson.

 

You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow.

- Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket.

 

The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides!

- Artur Schnabel.

 

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
- Lily Tomlin.

 

Dicky Hart and the Pacemakers.

- Name of band, London, 1984.

 

Play the music, not the instrument.

- Composer unknown.

 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

 

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.

 

Music is what feelings sound like.

 

Forget the notes and play the music.

 

“Why do you always go to the balcony when your wife starts singing?”

“So that no one thinks I’m beating her.”

 

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

Leonard Bernstein can't tell his brass from his oboe.

 

In case of Brahms, exit here.

 

Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

 

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

Bumper sticker in the year 2100: disco still sucks.

 

Was Handel a crank?

 

The ‘c’ in rap is silent.

 

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

 

MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE / OXYMORONS

 

Act naturally

Adult male

Advanced BASIC

Airline food

Almost exactly

Alone together

British fashion

Business ethics

Butt head

Childproof

Christian Scientists

Civil engineer

Clearly confused

Clearly misunderstood

Computer jock

Computer security

Constant variable

Deafening silence

Definite maybe

Diet ice cream

Even odds

Exact estimate

Extinct Life

Found missing

Free love

Fresh frozen

Friendly weapons

Genuine imitation

Good grief

Government organization

Hell’s Angels

Jumbo shrimp

Larger Half

Legally drunk

Liquid gas

Living dead

Microsoft Works

Military intelligence

Minor crisis

New classic

New York culture

"Now, then ..."

Oddly appropriate

Only choice

Open Secret

Original copies

Passive aggression

Peace force

Plastic glasses

Political science

Pretty ugly

Rap music

Religious tolerance

Resident alien

Rolling stop

Safe sex

Same difference

Sanitary landfill

Seriously funny

Silent scream

Small crowd

Soft rock

Software documentation

Sweet sorrow

Synthetic natural gas

Taped live

Temporary tax increase

Terribly pleased

Tight slacks

Tragic comedy

Unbiased opinion

Virtual reality

Working holiday

 

- Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

- Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

- Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

- Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

- Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

- Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011