habit is something you can do without thinking - which is why
most of us have so many of them.
Frank A. Clark.
if not resisted, soon becomes necessity.
Habits are at first
cobwebs, then cables.
- Spanish Proverb.
happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.
is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much
happiness is produced as by a good tavern.
pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue
happiness you’ll never find it.
cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just
beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may
alight upon you.
According to a study, they found common words used by happy
people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common
words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying,
can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of
life is happiness.
Happiness is bumping into Racquel Welch….very slowly.
Laugh-In, NBC TV.
Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
to tell you something. I cannot help being happy. I’ve struggled
against it but no good. Apart from an odd five minutes here and
there, I have been happy all my life. There is, I am well aware,
no virtue whatever in this. It results from a combination of
heredity, health, good fortune and shallow intellect.
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be
hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw.
only we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good
observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat,
writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in
his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He
will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar
button that has rolled under the radiator. He will not be
striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware
that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four
crowded hours of the day.
who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning
of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it
under his feet.
I am a
kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to
make me happy.
Most folks are about as
happy as they make up their minds to be.
- Abraham Lincoln.
never too late to have a happy childhood.
Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor memory.
only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure
to wonder whether you are happy or not.
George Bernard Shaw.
man's as miserable as he thinks he is.
grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do,
something to love, and something to hope for.
man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to
trouble about whether he's happy or not.
George Bernard Shaw.
Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of
Margaret Lee Runbeck.
the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness is not something you experience, it's something you
and sorrow are next door neighbours. - German proverb.
cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.
only real happy folk are married women and single men.
man is thoroughly happy twice in his life: just after he has met
his first love, and just after he has left his last one.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.
Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too
big for him.
does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.
hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
is a story of an Oxford student who once remarked, "I despise
all Americans, but have never met one I didn't like."
discrimination. Hate everybody.
Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
HEALTH & ILLNESS
can’t take a well tanned person seriously.
to rise and early to bed
a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being,
and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.
World Health Organization, 1948.
meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for
pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit
that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and
throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's
Robert Benchley, Hiccoughing Makes Us Fat.
has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.
start to think about your physical or moral condition, you
usually find that you are sick.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Proverbs in Prose.
worrying about your health. It'll go away.
just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb
is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
waist is a terrible thing to mind.
swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
road to hell is paved with good intentions.
is not to love anymore.
idea of Hell is based on the false assumption that there is a
world worse than this one.
is paved with good Samaritans.
William M. Holden.
there be a hell upon earth, it is to be found in a melancholy
Robert Burton, The Anatomy of Melancholy.
there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when
they're eating sandwiches.
Heaven is when you have: a British salary, an American home,
Chinese food, a German car and a South African wife.
is when you have: An American car, a British wife, a Chinese
home, German food and a South African salary.
won’t have me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
light supper, a good night’s sleep, and a fine morning have
often made a hero of the same man who by indigestion, a restless
night, and a rainy morning, would have proved a coward.
Sometimes the hero in the film is the one who sits through it.
HISTORY & THE
is history but a set of lies agreed upon.
History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes,
follies and misfortunes of mankind.
History is a pact between the dead, the living and the yet
History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.
-Leonard Louis Levinson.
in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably
never happened and those which do not matter.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
History is bunk.
of guys have had a lot of fun joking about Henry Ford because he
admitted one time that he didn't know history. He don't know it,
but history will know him. He has made more history than his
critics ever read.
History with its flickering lamp stumbles along the trail of the
past, trying to reconstruct its scenes, to revive its echoes,
and kindle with pale gleams the passion of former days.
cannot alter the past, though historians can.
Samuel Butler, Prose Observations.
History is a vast early warning system.
by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were
looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with
a new concept: the West.
Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the
to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
history is guessing, and the rest is prejudice.
and Ariel Durant, Our Oriental Heritage.
Perhaps nobody has changed the course of history as much as the
Franklin P. Jones.
History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told
by people who weren't there.
past is really almost as much a work of the imagination as the
History is written by the winners.
History is the propaganda of the victors.
History is the sextant of states which, tossed by wind and
current, would be lost in confusion if they could not fix their
Allan Nevins, The Gateway to History.
memories of men are too frail a thread to hang history from.
know the events which happened before one was a boy, that is to
remain always a boy.
Marcus Tullius Cicero.
study of history is the beginning of political wisdom.
of history is worth a volume of logic.
Oliver Wendell Holmes.
believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his
history teaches us is that men have never learned anything from
Georg Wilhelm Hegel.
History is the sum total of the things that could have been
History teaches us that
men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other
- Abba Eban.
History is always best written generations after the event, when
clouded fact and memory have all fused into what can be accepted
as truth, whether it be so or not.
Theodore H. White.
learn from history that we do not learn from history.
History is nothing but a pack of lies that we play upon the
history of ideas is the history of the grudges of solitary men.
history of mankind is an immense sea of errors in which a few
obscure truths may here and there be found.
ago came to the conclusion that nothing has ever been definitely
proved about anything.
who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad
Franklin P. Adams.
to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity -
gunpowder and romantic love.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is
a gift. That's why we call it the present.
plumber's idea of Cleopatra.
- W.C. Fields, on Mae West.
History is a record of events that didn’t happen - made by
someone who wasn’t there.
History teaches us the mistakes we are going to make.
you hear two eyewitnesses to a car accident, you're not so sure
History is a hard core of interpretation surrounded by a pulp of
History proves nothing.
moustache of Hitler
hardly be littler
the thought that kept recurring
Field Marshal Goering.
Hitler: I don’t want war! All I want is
A little piece of Poland,
little piece of France,
little piece of Portugal,
little slice of Turkey
all that that entails.
then a piece of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales.
Sellar and R.J. Yeatman, 1066 and All That.
think Der Führer
keep on being Der Führer
saw what everybody else sees
time he looks in der mührer?
man is dangerous; he believes what he says.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the
same hobby. (This is also true of religion, although you will
not find me saying so in print.)
ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
Interviewer: Why, you're a fatalist!
You mean I collect postage stamps? Not me.
a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've
seen some of it.
HOLIDAYS & LEISURE
holiday is one spent among people whose notion of time are
vaguer than yours.
United States Christmas has become the rape of an idea.
proper behaviour all through the holiday season is to be drunk.
This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so
drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our family holidays in Customs.
vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what
you've been taking.
is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
matters of commerce the role of the Dutch,
giving too little and asking too much.
Hollywood - an emotional Detroit.
delightful trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.
Hollywood is where, if you don’t have happiness, you send out
Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating
themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress.
If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will
then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole.
had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and
it a violation of the Georgia sodomy law for the Supreme Court
to have its head up its ass?
Letter to Playboy magazine, February 1987.
tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know
that you would lie if you were in his place.
Henry Louis Mencken, A Little Book in C Major.
who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow
much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done
Oliver Wendell Holmes.
occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick
themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
truth is more important than the facts.
Frank Lloyd Wright.
were all given by magic the power to read each other's thoughts,
I suppose the first effect would be to dissolve all friendships.
the truth, but leave immediately after.
can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting
on its shoes.
Society can exist only on the basis that there is some amount of
polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he
says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you
are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome.
different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of
principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.
of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.
tell the truth. Even if you have to make it up.
fears no questions.
can't give me your word of honour, will you give me your
louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
would rather men should ask why no statue has been erected in my
honour, than why one has.
Marcus Porcius Cato.
legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as
honourable; as, "the honourable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
Hope springs eternal in
the human heart.
- Alexander Pope.
in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the
torments of man.
Wilhelm Friedrich Nietzche.
is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so
powerful as expectation of something tomorrow.
is the pillar that holds up the world.
is the dream of the walking man.
Pliny the Elder.
travel hopefully is better than to arrive.
deceitful hope may be, yet she carries us on to the end of life.
de La Rochefoucauld.
hope vaguely but dread precisely.
is the most treacherous of human fancies.
James Fennimore Cooper.
is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for
Robert G. Ingersoll.
reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs
Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human.
is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.
is patience with the lamp lit.
is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the
inside of a man.
sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to
hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.
and children, I often think, have a lot of the good sense there
is in the world.
Josephine Demott Robinson.
horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle.
cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because
she waxed the linoleum - "My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie
down, you hot bitch."
was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four
years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant.
obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men
do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even
things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have
developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything
they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just
as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire
secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework
conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.
little less than new before they're ended.
only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct
tape to make them stop.
wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking
around the house in the dark.
large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
Waits, Small Change.
I always have to write something on a steamed mirror.
who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
Act of God designation on all insurance policies... means
roughly that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are
most likely to happen to you. If your ox kicks a hole in your
neighbour’s Maserati, however, indemnity is instantaneous.
Coren, The Lady from Stalingrad Mansions.
man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
to touch it to be sure.
do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
is listening until you fart.
No doubt Jack the Ripper
excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
- A.A. Milne.
human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.
overestimate the decency of the human race.
could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human
charm from every pore,
oiled his way across the floor.
misfortunes come from having thought too well of my fellows.
are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual
in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than
a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million
type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.
Whitney Brown, The Big Picture.
all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.
always the secure who are humble.
Gilbert Keith Chesterton.
are so empty as those who are full of themselves.
is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar; never spread it
around like marmalade.
is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.
always works best when it is mean-spirited.
those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator,
but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.
Majesty is not a subject.
Benjamin Disraeli, responding to Gladstone's taunt that Disraeli
could make a joke out of any subject, including Queen Victoria.
grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself.
have one thing in common with bores: they recognise at sight and
avoid one another, fearing competition.
inveterate punster follows a conversation as a shark follows a
is the lowest form of humour - when you don’t think of it first.
is the saving grace of humour, if you fail no one is laughing at
watch American comedies and they are as funny as a baby with
to being witty yourself, the best thing is to quote another’s
Christine N. Bovee.
often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
George Bernard Shaw.
God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the
whole thing from collapsing, He invented humour.
is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness
that some things are really important, others not; and that the
two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.
results when society says you can't scratch certain things in
public, but they itch in public.
secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is
no humour in heaven.
people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia,
but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
is the lowest form of humour, unless you thought of it yourself.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn
does not commonly justify a blow in return. But if a blow were
given for such cause, and death ensued, the jury would be judges
both of the facts and of the pun, and might, if the latter were
of an aggravated character, return a verdict of justifiable
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., The Autocrat of the
is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol
let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect.
Charles Lamb, Popular Fallacies: That the Worst Puns are the
Best," Last Essays of Elia.
who could make so vile a pun would not scruple to pick a pocket.
is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up,
all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit
takes their place.
had no sense of humour, I would long ago have committed suicide.
satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back
alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
Peter De Vries.
is reason gone mad.
is... despair refusing to take itself seriously.
is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without
kind of humour I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five
seconds and think for ten minutes.
WARNING: Humour may be hazardous to your depression.
Nothing is more curious
than the almost savage hostility that humour excites in those
who lack it.
- George Saintsbury.
sense of humour... is needed armour. Joy in one's heart and some
laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a
pretty good grasp of life.
person without a sense of humour is like a wagon without springs
- jolted by every pebble in the road.
Henry Ward Beecher.
is more logic in humour than in anything else. Because, you see,
humour is truth.
Victor Borge, London Times, 3 January 1984.
told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at
true word is spoken in jest.
don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense
laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're
all the same.
pun is its own reword.
survival kit should include a sense of humour.
well-known comedian protests that he is always being told one of
his own stories. A clear case of the tale dogging the wag.
Hypocrite: the man who murdered both his parents... pleaded for
mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.