The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations G

 

 

GAMBLING

 

The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil.

- Heywood Broun.

 

No dog can go as fast as the money you bet on him.

- Bud Flanagan.

 

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

- Henny Youngman.

 

GARDENING

 

What a man needs most in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it.

- Charles Dudley Warner.

 

In gardens, beauty is a by-product. The main business is sex and death.

- Sam Llewelyn.

 

Don't wear perfume in the garden - unless you want to be pollinated by bees.

- Anne Raver.

 

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

I’ve had enough of gardening - I’m just about ready to throw in the trowel.

 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

GENIUS

 

Keep always in your mind, that, with due submission to Providence, a man of genius has been seldom ruined but by himself.

- Samuel Johnson.

 

I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.

- John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners.

 

Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead.

- Robert S. Lynd.

 

There is no great genius without some touch of madness.

- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, On Tranquillity of the Mind.

 

I can’t tell if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring.

- James McNeill Whistler.

 

The principle mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the opening of new frontiers.

- Arthur Koestler.

 

I have nothing to declare - except my genius.

- Oscar Wilde (at New York Custom House).

 

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

- Thomas Edison.

 

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.

- Bruce Feirstein, Tomorrow Never Dies.

 

Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.

- Mozart.

 

When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.

- Johnathan Swift.

 

If the Aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it.

- Stanley Garn.

 

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

 

The difference between genius and stupidity: genius has its limits.

 

GERMANY & GERMANS

 

German: Will you please stop talking about the war?

Basil Fawlty: Me? You started it!

German: We did not start it.

Basil Fawlty: Yes you did, you invaded Poland….

- John Cleese and Connie Booth.

 

German is the most extravagantly ugly language. It sounds like someone using a sick-bag on a 747.

- William Rushton.

 

Heinrich Heine so loosened the corsets of the German language that today every little salesman can fondle her breasts.

- Karl Kraus.

 

A verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it’s all together. It’s downright inhuman to split it up. But that’s just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between those two limits they just shovel in German.

- Mark Twain.

 

When the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

- Mark Twain.

 

Germany, the diseased world’s bathhouse.

- Mark Twain.

 

The German people are an orderly, vain, deeply sentimental and rather insensitive people. They seem to feel at their best when they are singing in chorus, saluting or obeying orders.

- H.G. Wells

 

Everything that is ponderous, vicious and pompously clumsy, all long-winded and wearying kinds of style, are developed in great variety among Germans.

- Freidrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.

 

German: a good fellow maybe; but it is better to hang him.

- Russian proverb.

 

WILLIAM EWART GLADSTONE

Prime Minister of Great Britain, 1868-1874, 1880-1885, 1886, 1892-1894 (Liberal Party)

 

They told me how Mr Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right.

- Winston Churchill.

 

He has not a single redeeming defect.

- Benjamin Disraeli.

 

GOALS

 

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

- Henry Ford.

 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

- Douglas Adams.

 

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.

- Douglas Adams.

 

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.

- Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead.

 

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

- Vance Havner.

 

You must have long-range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short-range failures.

- Charles C. Noble.

 

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.

 

 

GOOD & EVIL

 

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
- Thoreau's Law.

 

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

- Dennis Wholey.

 

How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise and of good will.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Monday is the root of all evil.

 

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

 

GOSSIP

 

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

- Earl Wilson.

 

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

 

She always tells stories in the present vindictive.

- Tom Peace.

 

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

- Errol Flynn.

 

Trying to squash a rumour is like trying to unring a bell.

- Shana Alexander.

 

Men have always detested women's gossip because they suspect the truth: Their measurements are being taken and compared.

- Erica Jong.

 

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

- Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, July 1735.

 

Gossip still runs down more people than automobiles.

 

Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

 

GRAFFITI, THE WRITING’S ON THE WALL

 

Graffiti's days are numbered - the writing's on the wall.

 

This wall will shortly be available in paperback.

 

When I grow up I shall graffiti the ceiling.

 

Graffiti: People's art.

 

If you feel strongly about graffiti sign a partition.

 

I hate graffiti.

- I hate ALL Italian food.

 

‘Lift under repair - use other lift’ - this Otis regrets it’s unable to lift today.

 

I'm so unlucky that I even get caught writing on the toilet wa...

 

Wiggle your toes for sex. (on gents lavatory)

 

George Davis is innosc inossc inosscint guilty.

 

Press this button for 30 second speech from Maggie Thatcher. (on hot air hand dryer).

 

If you sprinkle when you tinkle,

Be a sweetie, wipe the seatie.

 

Written on dirty truck:

“Don't clean me, plant something.”

“Do not disturb, seeds planted.”

“Have wife, must travel.”

 

Cisterns of the world unite - you have nothing to lose but your chains.

 

More than three shakes is masturbation. (on gents lavatory).

 

Man is born free but everyone is in chains. Smash the cistern.

 

This cistern is fitted with dolby

- takes the slush out of flush.

- takes the hiss out of piss.

 

ON CONTRACEPTIVE VENDING MACHINE:

- Worst chewing gum I've ever tasted.

- Insert baby for refund.

- Made in the U.K. - so was the Titanic.

      - yes, but who wants to fuck icebergs.

- Beware retreads.

- My dad says they don' work.

- Wearing these things is like picking your nose with boxing gloves on.

- In case of malfunction, marry.

- Not for sale during French postal strike.

- If used on the premises, subject to V.A.T.

- Homes for retired semen.

- Place 50p in slot, wait for coin to drop, pull handle out, push back firmly. - to which had been added: "If this is sex it sounds extremely boring."

 

This is not a contraceptive machine. - written on toilet cistern.

 

I never used to be able to finish anything but now I…

 

BILL STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED.

- Bill Stickers is innocent.

 

GRATITUDE

 

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favours.

- François Duc de La Rochefoucauld.

 

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

GREATNESS

 

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

- Mark Twain.

 

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

- Confucius.

 

Few great men could pass personnel.

- Paul Goodman.

 

GREED

 

The bird of paradise alights only on the hand which does not grasp.

- John Berry.

 

A little greed can get you lots of stuff.

 

GUESTS

 

I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.

- Alfred North Whitehead.

 

Very sorry can't come. Lie follows by post.

- Charles Beresford, telegram reply to a dinner invitation.

 

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. 

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011