urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so
pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil.
can go as fast as the money you bet on him.
on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past
man needs most in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in
Charles Dudley Warner.
gardens, beauty is a by-product. The main business is sex and
wear perfume in the garden - unless you want to be pollinated by
weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and
not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
had enough of gardening - I’m just about ready to throw in the
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
always in your mind, that, with due submission to Providence, a
man of genius has been seldom ruined but by himself.
think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of
human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the
White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas
Jefferson dined alone.
F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners.
man of genius is considerably helped by being dead.
Robert S. Lynd.
is no great genius without some touch of madness.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, On Tranquillity of the Mind.
can’t tell if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted
me no offspring.
James McNeill Whistler.
principle mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the
opening of new frontiers.
nothing to declare - except my genius.
Oscar Wilde (at New York Custom House).
is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
distance between insanity and genius is measured only by
Bruce Feirstein, Tomorrow Never Dies.
Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both
together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is
the soul of genius.
true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign:
that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.
Aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except
difference between genius and stupidity: genius has its limits.
GERMANY & GERMANS
German: Will you please stop talking about the war?
Fawlty: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Fawlty: Yes you did, you invaded Poland….
Cleese and Connie Booth.
is the most extravagantly ugly language. It sounds like someone
using a sick-bag on a 747.
Heinrich Heine so loosened the corsets of the German language
that today every little salesman can fondle her breasts.
has a hard time enough of it in this world when it’s all
together. It’s downright inhuman to split it up. But that’s just
what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down
here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put
it away over yonder like another stake, and between those two
limits they just shovel in German.
the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you
are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of
his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
Germany, the diseased world’s bathhouse.
German people are an orderly, vain, deeply sentimental and
rather insensitive people. They seem to feel at their best when
they are singing in chorus, saluting or obeying orders.
Everything that is ponderous, vicious and pompously clumsy, all
long-winded and wearying kinds of style, are developed in great
variety among Germans.
Freidrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.
German: a good fellow maybe; but it is better to hang him.
Minister of Great Britain, 1868-1874, 1880-1885, 1886, 1892-1894
told me how Mr Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought
served him right.
not a single redeeming defect.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your
eyes off your goal.
deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended
up where I intended to be.
question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop
Rand, The Fountainhead.
vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to
stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.
must have long-range goals to keep you from being frustrated by
Charles C. Noble.
aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.
GOOD & EVIL
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
- Thoreau's Law.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is
like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a
wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are
wise and of good will.
is the root of all evil.
evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth.
always tells stories in the present vindictive.
isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.
to squash a rumour is like trying to unring a bell.
have always detested women's gossip because they suspect the
truth: Their measurements are being taken and compared.
may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, July 1735.
still runs down more people than automobiles.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to
WRITING’S ON THE WALL
Graffiti's days are numbered - the writing's on the wall.
wall will shortly be available in paperback.
grow up I shall graffiti the ceiling.
Graffiti: People's art.
feel strongly about graffiti sign a partition.
hate ALL Italian food.
under repair - use other lift’ - this Otis regrets it’s unable
to lift today.
unlucky that I even get caught writing on the toilet wa...
your toes for sex. (on gents lavatory)
innosc inossc inosscint guilty.
this button for 30 second speech from Maggie Thatcher. (on hot
air hand dryer).
sprinkle when you tinkle,
sweetie, wipe the seatie.
Written on dirty truck:
clean me, plant something.”
not disturb, seeds planted.”
wife, must travel.”
Cisterns of the world unite - you have nothing to lose but your
than three shakes is masturbation. (on gents lavatory).
born free but everyone is in chains. Smash the cistern.
cistern is fitted with dolby
takes the slush out of flush.
takes the hiss out of piss.
CONTRACEPTIVE VENDING MACHINE:
Worst chewing gum I've ever tasted.
Insert baby for refund.
in the U.K. - so was the Titanic.
- yes, but who wants to fuck icebergs.
dad says they don' work.
Wearing these things is like picking your nose with boxing
case of malfunction, marry.
for sale during French postal strike.
used on the premises, subject to V.A.T.
Homes for retired semen.
Place 50p in slot, wait for coin to drop, pull handle out, push
back firmly. - to which had been added: "If this is sex it
sounds extremely boring."
is not a contraceptive machine. - written on toilet cistern.
never used to be able to finish anything but now I…
STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED.
Stickers is innocent.
Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favours.
François Duc de La Rochefoucauld.
this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small
people always do that, but the really great make you feel that
you, too, can become great.
greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time
great men could pass personnel.
bird of paradise alights only on the hand which does not grasp.
little greed can get you lots of stuff.
always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting
guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his;
the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.
Alfred North Whitehead.
sorry can't come. Lie follows by post.
Charles Beresford, telegram reply to a dinner invitation.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish