The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations F

 

 

FACTS

 

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.

- Samuel McChord Crothers.

 

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

- Aldous Huxley.

 

Facts and truth really don't have much to do with each other.

- William Faulkner.

 

The degree of one’s emotion varies inversely with one’s knowledge of the facts - the less you know the hotter you get.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories.

- Felix Cohen.

 

Where facts are few, experts are many.

- Donald R. Gannon.

 

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Science is true. Don't be misled by the facts.

 

Fact is solidified opinion.

 

Nothing is so fallacious as facts, except figures.

 

It is the spirit of the age to believe that any fact, no matter how suspect, is superior to any imaginative exercise, no matter how true.

 

FAILURE

 

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

- Thomas Edison.

 

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

- Bill Cosby.

 

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

- Elbert Hubbard.

 

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.

- Mary Pickford.

 

Failure doesn't mean you are a failure... it just means you haven't succeeded yet.

- Robert Schuller.

 

No man is a failure who is enjoying life.

- William Feather.

 

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

- Henry Ford.

 

Failure changes for the better, success for the worse.

- Lucius Annaeus Seneca.

 

There is much to be said for failure.  It is more interesting than success.

- Max Beerbohm, Mainly on the Air.

 

There is no comparison between that which is lost by not succeeding and that which is lost by not trying.

- Francis Bacon.

 

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.

- Gore Vidal.

 

It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, until you lose.

 

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 

FAITH

 

Scepticism is the beginning of faith.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

I once heard the survivors

of a colony of ants

that had been partially

obliterated by a cow’s foot

seriously debating

the intention of the gods

towards their civilization.

- Don Marquis.

 

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

FAME

 

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

- Napoleon Bonaparte.

 

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

- Golda Meir.

 

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.

-Henry Kissinger.

 

Fame is a vapour; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

- Mark Twain.

 

FAMILY & HOME

 

The family is a court of justice which never sits down for a night or day.

- Malcolm de Chazal.

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns.

 

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

- Homer Simpson.

 

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

- Henny Youngman.

 

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

- Jay Leno.

 

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

Dwelling unit, sweet dwelling unit.

 

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

 

FANATICS & FANATICISM

 

The worst vice of the fanatic is his sincerity.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

- George Santayana.

 

Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

- George Santayana.

 

I don’t know that atheists should be regarded as citizens, nor should they be regarded as patriotic. This is one nation under God.

- George H.W. Bush.

 

Nothing is ever accomplished by being reasonable.

 

FANTASY

 

With Epcot Centre the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.

- P. J. O'Rourke.

 

FARM

 

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

- S.J. Perelman.

 

He’s studying to be a gentleman farmer, he told me. I didn’t ask if both subjects were compulsory.

- Saki.

 

FATE

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.

- Jean de La Fontaine.

 

Fate. It protects fools, small children, and ships called Enterprise.

 

FAULTS

 

Faults are thick where love is thin.

- James Howell.

 

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves.

- William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar.

 

Think not of those faithful who praise all thy words and actions, but those who kindly reprove thy faults.

- Socrates.

 

I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.

- Samuel Beckett, The Unnameable.

 

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 

FEAR

 

Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop.

- Usman B. Asif.

 

Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.

- Brendan Francis.

 

Fear is the lengthened shadow of ignorance.

- Arnold Glasow.

 

Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends.

- Shirley Maclaine.

 

The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals.

 

He who fears something gives it power over him.

- Moorish Proverb.

 

FLIRTATION

 

To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.

- E.W. Howe.

 

FLOWERS

 

For myself I hold no preferences among flowers, so long as they are wild, free, spontaneous. Bricks to all greenhouses! Black thumb and cutworm to the potted plant!

- Edward Abbey.

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”

- Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.

- Chinese Proverb.

 

The flower is the poetry of reproduction. It is an example of the eternal seductiveness of life.

- Jean Giraudoux.

 

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

- The Washington Post.

 

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

- William Wordsworth, I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud, 1804

 

FLYING

 

Beware of men on airplanes. The minute a man reaches 30,000 feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in tiny toilets. These men should not be encouraged, their fantasies are sadly low-rent and unimaginative. Affect an aloof, cool demeanour as soon as any man tries to draw you out. Unless, of course, he’s the pilot.

- Cynthia Heimel.

 

Flying? I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!

- Bob Hope.

 

Ernie: Hey, look at all those people down there - they look like ants.

Eric: They are ants - we haven’t taken off yet.

- Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise.

 

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

- Mel Brooks.

 

Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?)

- Noël Coward - in a letter to T.E. Lawrence  (of Arabia) who had retired from public life to become Aircraftsman Brown, 338171.

 

When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly.

- Donald Douglas, Douglas Aircraft Corporation.

 

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

- Mark Russell.

 

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

- Steven Wright.

 

…I say to myself, ‘Well, I’m strapping myself into the seat. Because if I wasn’t strapped into this seat, there’s a very good chance that I will fall out of this seat. If the plane came to a sudden stop. Like against a mountain.

- Shelley Berman.

 

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.

- Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot).

 

When asked why he was referred to as 'Ace': "Because during World War Two, I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft, fortunately three were enemy."

- Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF.

 

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot).

 

Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled. Try not to imitate this when flying.

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore unsafe.

 

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

 

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

 

The three most dangerous things in aviation:

- A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna

- Two captains in a DC-9.

- A flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

 

Aircraft Identification:

If it's ugly, it's British.

If it's weird, it's French.

If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

 

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
1. The second officer says, "Damn it!"
2. The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
3. The captain say, "Hey, watch this!"

 

There are only three things the co-pilot should ever say:

1. Nice landing, Sir.

2. I'll buy the first round.

3. I'll take the ugly one.

 

The three most famous last words in aviation are: 1. Why is it doing that?

2. Where the hell are we?

3. Oh Shit!

 

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will:
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane.
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane.

 

Unknown Aircraft: “I’m fucking bored!”

Air Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown Aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!”

 

Air Traffic Control: “SAA 747, please identify yourself and give height, position and speed.”

SAA: “I am Phinius, I am five foot six, I am sitting in the front and I am going very, very fast.”

 

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: “American 751, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit of Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport.”

 

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

 

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

 

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

 

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

 

You can't fly forever without getting killed.

 

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

 

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

 

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

 

It only takes two things to fly: airspeed, and money.

 

The only time you have too much fuel onboard is when you are on fire.

 

The DC10 is not all it's cracked up to be.

 

Orville was also Wright.

 

Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time.

 

What’s the difference between a pilot and a magneto?

- Not all magnetos are retarded.

 

What’s the difference between God and an airline pilot?

- God doesn’t think he’s an airline pilot.

 

What’s the difference between a DC3 and a 747?

- Two screws are better than four blow-jobs.

 

The Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk was lower and shorter than the height and length of a Boeing 747.
 

British Caledonian Flight BR279 will leave for Delhi at 17:30 hours. Pan American Flight PA234 for Los Angeles will leave at 17:40 hours. The Aer Lingus Flight to Dublin will leave when the little hand is on the eight and the big hand is on the twelve.

 

FOOD, COOKING & EATING

 

After eating chocolate you feel godlike, as though you can conquer enemies, lead armies, entice lovers.

- Emily Luchetti.

 

High-tech tomatoes. Mysterious milk. Supersquash. Are we supposed to eat this stuff? Or is it going to eat us?

- Annita Manning.

 

Watermelon it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.

- Enrico Caruso.

 

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm the President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

- George Bush, US President.

 

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

- Cecil Rhodes, explaining why he had left his friends in England and came to South Africa.

 

I bit the head off a live bat the other night. It was a bit like eating Crunchie wrapped in chamois leather.

- Ozzy Osborne, rock musician.

 

It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.

- Robert Fuoss.

 

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

- Dennis Leary.

 

Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry.

- Mike Kalin.

 

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

- Buddy Hackett.

 

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- Stevem Wright.

 

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

- John Cleese.

 

The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip.

- John Cleese.

 

Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.

- Don Kardong.

 

Recipe (in its entirety) for boiled owl:
Take feathers off. Clean owl and put in cooking pot with lots of water. Add salt to taste.
- The Eskimo Cookbook (1952).

 

Do not make loon soup.
- "Valuable advice" from The Eskimo Cookbook (1952).

 

After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual "food" out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps.

- Miss Piggy.

 

All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.

- John Gunther.

 

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

- Carl Sagan.

 

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

- Spike Milligan.

 

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.

- José Simons.

 

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

- Dave Barry.

 

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

- Dave Barry.

 

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

- Dave Barry.

 

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like.

- Dave Barry.

 

Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.

- Woody Allen.

 

He was a very valiant man who first adventured on eating oysters.

- James I.

 

Avoid fruit and nuts. You are what you eat.

- Jim Davis.

 

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.

- George Miller.

 

Parsley

Is gharsley.

- Ogden Nash.

 

The local groceries are all out of broccoli,

Loccoli.

- Roy Blount.

 

Went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

- Tommy Cooper.

 

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last forty years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Vegetarians have wicked, shifty eyes and laugh in a cold, calculating manner. They pinch little children, steal stamps, drink water, favour beards.

- Beachcomber (J.B. Morton).

 

Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it is apt to fill a man with wind and self-righteousness.

- Sir Robert Hutchinson.

 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

- Johnny Carson.

 

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!

- Tommy Smothers.

 

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

- Calvin Trillin.

 

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

- National Lampoon.

 

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

-Orson Welles.

 

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

- Lynda Montgomery.

 

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.

- Robert Williams.

 

Clams. I simply cannot imagine why anyone would want to eat something slimy served in an ashtray.

- Miss Piggy.

 

Chinese Food. You do not sew with a fork, and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles.

- Miss Piggy.

 

She was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.

- Saki (H.H. Munro).

 

Obesity is really widespread.

- Joseph O. Kern.

 

Tramp: Would you give me twenty-five pence for a sandwich, lady?

Lady: I don’t know - let me see the sandwich.

- Giles Brandreth.

 

Do you know on this one block you can buy croissants in five different places? There’s one store called Bonjour Croissant. It makes me want to go to Paris and open a store called Hello Toast.

- Fran Lebowitz.

 

We were taken to a fast-food café where our order was fed into a computer. Our hamburgers, made from the flesh of chemically impregnated cattle, had been broiled over counterfeit charcoal, placed between slices of artificially flavoured cardboard and served to us by recycled juvenile delinquents.

- Jean-Michel Chapereau.

 

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

- Jackie Gleason.

 

Health food makes me sick.

- Calvin Trillin.

 

Q: How do you prevent sagging?

A: Just eat until the wrinkles fill out?

 

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 

Never trust a thin chef.

 

Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

 

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and  a large trash can.

 

All life is a conjunction of the verb ‘to eat’.

 

Tramp: I haven’t eaten for three days.

Man: My dear chap - you must force yourself!

 

Never eat more than you can lift.

 

Don't gain weight in the wrong places - eat in good restaurants.

 

The proper way to cook a cockatoo is to put the bird and an axehead into a billy. Boil them until the axehead is soft. The cockatoo is then ready to eat.

 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!

 

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

 

If people weren't meant to have midnight snacks, then why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

 

It just wouldn't be a picnic without the ants.

 

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

 

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.

 

Thy shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 

The four food groups: coffee, ice cream, beer and pizza.

 

Repeal the Banana.

 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

FOOLS

 

There’s a sucker born every minute.

- P.T. Barnum.

 

Barnum was wrong - it's more like every 30 seconds.

 

The less a person knows, the more he wants to tell it.

 

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.

 

A fool and his money are soon partying.

 

GERALD FORD

 

Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.

- Lyndon Baines Johnson.

 

Gerry Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

- Lyndon Baines Johnson.

 

A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he’s unknown throughout the world.

- Anon, quoted in the Guardian.

 

FORGIVENESS

 

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

- Mahatma Gandhi.

 

You can make up a quarrel, but it will always show where it was patched.

- Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings.

 

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.

- Isaac Friedmann.

 

Nobody forgets where he buried the hatchet.

- Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard, Abe Martin's Broadcast, 1930.

 

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

- Stewart's Law of Retroaction.

 

FRANCE & THE FRENCH

 

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.

- Mark Twain.

 

I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.
- General George S. Patton.
 

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.
- Norman Schwartzkopf.

 

We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.
- Marge Simpson.

 

As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.
- Jacques Chirac, President of France.


As far as France is concerned, you're right.
- Rush Limbaugh.

 

The only time France wants us (the USA) to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.
- Regis Philbin.

 

The last time the French asked for "more proof" it came marching into Paris under a German flag.
--David Letterman.

 

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!
- Jay Leno.

 

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.
- Conan O'Brien.

 

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?

- Dennis Miller.

 

It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.

- Alan Kent.

 

I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
- Hannibal Lecter.

 

A relatively small and eternally quarrelsome country in Western Europe, fountainhead of rationalist political manias, militarily impotent, historically inglorious during the past century, democratically bankrupt, Communist-infiltrated from top to bottom.

- William F. Buckley, Jr.

 

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

- Steve Martin.

 

What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country.

- Samuel Johnson.

 

I would have loved it – without the French.

- D.H. Lawrence.

 

To the French lying is simply talking.

- Fran Lebowitz.

 

AP and UPI reported yesterday that the French Government announced that it has raised its terror level from "run" to "hide". The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and  "collaborate". The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

 

War without France would be like .....World War II.

 

Raise your right hand if you like the French..... raise both hands  if you are French.

 

POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards, 
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley, 
"Live and Let Die" by Wings, 
"Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Paul Simon,

"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond, 
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi.

 

FREEDOM

 

You are free and that is why you are lost.

- Franz Kafka.

 

No one can enjoy freedom unless he is willing to surrender some part of it.

- Laurence Peter.

 

You sleep safe in your beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do you harm.

- George Orwell.

 

We must believe in free will: we have no choice.

- Isaac Bashevis Singer.

 

When people are free to do as they please they usually imitate each other.

- Eric Hoffer.

 

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

- Adlai Stevenson.

 

At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.

- Marshall Lumsden.

 

Hero-worship is strongest where there is least regard for human freedom.

- Herbert Spencer.

 

You must believe in free will; there is no choice.

- Isaac Bashevis Singer.

 

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

 

Most people want security in this world, not liberty.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

We have enjoyed so much freedom for so long that we are perhaps in danger of forgetting how much blood it cost to establish the Bill of Rights.

- Felix Frankfurter.

 

Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.

 

Freedom is never free.

 

I got my phone bill the other day….whatever happened to free speech?

 

If you enjoy your freedom – thank a Vet!

 

FRIENDS & FRIENDSHIP

 

Friendship will not continue to the end which is begun for an end.

- Francis Quarles.

 

When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character.

- W. Somerset Maugham.

 

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.

- Lord Samuel.

 

A friend that ain’t in need is my friend indeed.

- Kin Hubbard.

 

Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

 

May God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my enemies.

- Voltaire.

 

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both of his.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

- Spike Milligan.

 

I have lost friends, some by death….others by sheer inability to cross the street.

- Virginia Woolf.

 

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

- Dave Tyson Gentry.

 

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to bring the news to you.

- Mark Twain.

 

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them.

- Evelyn Waugh.

 

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.

- Dame Edna Everage.

 

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson.

 

One thing your friends will never forgive you is your happiness.

- Albert Camus.

 

There is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy.

- Frankfort Moore.

 

If I return people’s greetings, I do so only to give them their greetings back.

- Karl Kraus.

 

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.

- Sicilian Proverb.

 

The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.

- Aristotle.

 

If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.

- Edgar Watson Howe.

 

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.

- Plautus.

 

True friends stab you in the front.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

 

Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like.

 

The best vitamin for making friends....B1.

 

When you are sad I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

 

The best rule of friendship is to keep your heart a little softer than your head.

 

Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.

 

Friends help you move; real friends help you move the bodies.

 

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

 

FUN

 

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

- Woody Allen.

 

The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city.

- Vance Bourjaily, Esquire.

 

There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

- Kenneth Grahame.

 

If my calculations are correct, SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN.

 

I'm immature, disorganised, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD but I'm FUN.

 

Everyone has fun at the fat man's expanse.

 

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

 

Why should I grow up? This is more fun!

 

Dyslexics have more fnu.

 

THE FUTURE

 

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.

- Thomas Jefferson.

 

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face - forever.

- George Orwell.

 

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour.

- C.S. Lewis.

 

No days you can borrow,

No time you can buy.

Don't trust in tomorrow,

It's a lie.

- Don Mclean.

 

The future ain't what it used to be.

- Yogi Berra.

 

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

- Lily Tomlin.

 

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

- Dylan Thomas.

 

The Past lies upon the Present like a giant's dead body.

- Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of Seven Gables.

 

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

 

An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.

 

Prediction is very difficult. Especially about the future.

 

A lot of turkeys would strut less if they could see into the future.

 

Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011