main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men
economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they
don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's
Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the
least principle draw the most interest.
economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a
who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but
if he has a university education, he may steal the whole
who worships education has got the best out of
education....Without a gentle contempt for education no man's
education is complete.
whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.
Sydney J. Harris.
Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has
learned in school.
be a great day when education gets all the money it wants and
the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy bombers.
Author unknown, quoted in You Said a Mouthful.
think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Attributed to both Andy McIntyre and Derek Bok.
Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army.
object of education is to prepare the young to educate
themselves throughout their lives.
Robert Maynard Hutchins.
is the question asked: is our children learning?
George W. Bush.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from
time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.
Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist.
Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I
call a liberal education.
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without
losing your temper.
illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read
and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
- Alvin Toffler.
is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the
thing he was educated in.
Education is not filling a pail but the lighting of a fire.
William Butler Yeats.
prefer the company of peasants because they have not been
educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly.
Michel Eyquem de Montaigne.
never let my schooling interfere with my education.
not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to
school like I did.
regular course was Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin
with; and then the different branches of Arithmetic - Ambition,
Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.
Harvard University, according to the directory of the American
Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."
the learnin' my father paid for was a bit o' birch at one end
and an alphabet at the other.
just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of
can get all A's and still flunk life.
are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Jeremy S. Anderson.
won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.
We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
English Professor, Providence College.
course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen
bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so
knowledge sort of accumulates...
Examinations - Nature's laxative.
I is a
only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Attributed to both Vidal Sassoon and Donald Kendall.
work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their
sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at
Be not afraid of going
slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
- Chinese Proverb.
can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a
kingdom of the blind.
gave us two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Success
depends on which one you use. Head you win, tail you lose.
difference between try and triumph is a little umph.
difficult? Put in a little more effort and be impossible.
Thankful Only One Of Them Can Win.
Bumper sticker, Nixon/Kennedy presidential election, 1960.
Voting Changed Anything They’d Make It Illegal.
have met the enemy, and he is us.
Enemies are to me the sauce piquante to my dish of life.
can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged..
best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.
attention to your enemies for they are the first to discover
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
your enemy - it’ll drive him nuts.
thine enemies….it really pisses them off.
ENGLAND & BRITAIN
is unutterably bloody and foreigners are fiends.
Englishmen will never be slaves: they are free to do whatever
the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
George Bernard Shaw.
warned them [the French Government] that Britain would fight on
alone whatever they did, their Generals told their PM and his
divided Cabinet: ‘In three weeks England will have her neck
wrung like a chicken.’ Some chicken! Some neck!
the blasted jelly-boned swines, the slimy bell-wriggling
invertebrates, the miserable sodding rotters, the flaming sods,
the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied pulseless lot that
make up England today. They’ve got white of egg in their veins,
and their spunk is that watery it’s a marvel they can breed . .
. Why, why, why was I born an Englishman!
it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.
London: The monstrous tuberosity of civilized life, the capital
Englishman, even when he is alone, forms an orderly queue of
dogs and Englishmen
in the midday sun,
Japanese don’t care to,
Chinese wouldn’t dare to,
Hindoos and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one.
Englishmen detest a siesta.
Coward, ‘Mad Dogs and Englishmen’.
in a queue is as much the image of a true Briton as a man in a
bull-ring is the image of a Spaniard.
were not fairly beaten, my lord. No Englishman is ever fairly
George Bernard Shaw.
little, England. Little music. Little art. Timid. Tasteful.
Deploring change is the unchangeable habit of all Englishmen.
climate of England has been the world’s most powerful colonizing
Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an
Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
Englishmen think over a compliment for a week, so that by the
time they pay it, it is addled, like a bad egg.
British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or
a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and
watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
England and America are two countries separated by the same
natives start at Calais.
Yorkshireman: A Scotsman with the generosity removed.
wasn't the Exxon Valdez captain's driving that caused the
Alaskan oil spill. It was yours.
Greenpeace advertisement, New York Times, 25 February
blow it - good planets are hard to find.
Quoted in Time.
man throws an empty cigarette package from an automobile, he is
liable to a fine of $50. When a man throws a billboard across a
view, he is richly rewarded.
think the environment should be put in the category of our
national security. Defence of our resources is just as important
as defence abroad. Otherwise what is there to defend?
Robert Redford, Yosemite National Park dedication, 1985
not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our
Native American Proverb.
nothing but pictures.
nothing but footprints.
nothing but time.
Motto of the Baltimore Grotto, a caving society.
Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread
within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All
things are bound together. All things connect.
Chief Seattle, 1855.
old Lakota was wise. He knew that man's heart away from nature
becomes hard; he knew that lack of respect for growing, living
things soon led to lack of respect for humans too.
Chief Luther Standing Bear
universe is not required to be in perfect harmony with human
a complex being: he makes deserts bloom - and lakes die.
American reading his Sunday paper in a state of lazy collapse is
perhaps the most perfect symbol of the triumph of quantity over
quality....Whole forests are being ground into pulp daily to
minister to our triviality.
shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind
is to survive.
has been endowed with reason, with the power to create, so that
he can add to what he's been given. But up to now he hasn't been
a creator, only a destroyer. Forests keep disappearing, rivers
dry up, wild life's become extinct, the climate's ruined and the
land grows poorer and uglier every day.
Anton Chekhov, Uncle Vanya, 1897.
struggle to save the global environment is in one way much more
difficult than the struggle to vanquish Hitler, for this time
the war is with ourselves. We are the enemy, just as we have
only ourselves as allies.
Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today Al
Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs blaming the
The word "wilderness"
occurs approximately three hundred times in the Bible, and all
its meanings are derogatory.
- René Dubos, The
Wooing of Earth.
when the last tree is cut; only when the last river is polluted;
only when the last fish is caught; only then will they realise
that you cannot eat money.
live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own
in the midst of abundance.
must not be forced to explore the universe in search of a new
home because we have made the Earth inhospitable, even
uninhabitable. For if we do not solve the environmental and
related social problems that beset us on Earth - pollution,
toxic contamination, resource depletion, prejudice, poverty,
hunger - those problems will surely accompany us to other
Donald G. Kaufman and Cecilia M. Franz, Biosphere 2000
Protecting Our Global Environment
fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
the Earth....it's the only planet with chocolate.
Regular or extra crispy, how do you want the environment?
Beneath this mound Charles Crocker now reposes;
lightly, strangers - also hold your noses.
lies my wife: so let her lie!
she’s at rest, and so am I!
sleeps alone at last.
Robert Banchley - Suggested epitaph for an actress.
lies the body of Ezra Pound,
at sea and never was found.
lies the body of Pavlov’s puppy,
stone deaf and got no suppy.
lies the body of Lester Moore,
slugs from a forty-four,
Les, no more.
Hill cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona.
is a jest, and all things show it.
thought so once; but now I know it.
Gay, for his own tombstone.
lies a young author of no reputation,
lived by his pen, and thus died of starvation.
forwards to Heaven a soul in dejection -
Enclosing a stamp for the usual rejection.
Would Rather Be Living In Philadelphia.
Fields, suggested epitaph for himself.
Dorothy Parker, suggested epitaph for herself.
Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed.
He watched the ads
And not the road.
- Ogden Nash.
Stranger approach this spot with gravity:
Birningham is filling his last cavity.
(on dentist’s tomb)
God caught his eye.
- David McCord, on
"I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Charlie was a Chemist,
but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was
Here lies Walter Dudley
He found out too late,
Dobermans aren't cuddly.
Here lies Henry Blake
He stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake
Here lies the body of
We laid him here because he died
Remember man, as you
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
The children of Israel
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
For not rising.
On the 22nd of June,
Went out of tune.
Here lies the body of
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Here lies a man named
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.
Here lies the body of
Who ran a race with a passenger train
If only he'd thought to stop, look and listen
He'd be living now instead of missin'
Here I lie - Its no
wonder I'm dead,
For the wheels of a semi rolled over my head.
Here lies the popular
He thought it was cool to smoke at school.
Here lies Moonshiner
Lit a cigar & now he's dead
Here lies Melba June
Drowned when the outhouse planking broke
Here lies the remains of
She kicked up her heels, and away she went.
Here lies good old Fred
A great big rock fell on his head
Here lies dear departed
He chased a bear into a cave
Here lies Mr. I. B.
Fixed the toaster with a knife
Got the shock of his short life!
Here lies ex-spy Nathan
This time he's underground for good
Mary, Mary, quite
How does your garden grow?
Quite well I bet
Since it's well fed
By your body down below
Here lies mangled Hiriam
Peered up the shaft to see
If the elevator was coming down.
Here lies our dear Ol'
Twasn't the fall that done him in
But rather the sudden stop!
Here lies Myra Mains
Gorgeous body but alas - no brains
Here lies dearly
She got run down by an
Here like beloved Uncle
Rode downstairs on a roller skate
Here lies poor old
Tried crossing the bridge when the bridge was up
Born of women
Killed by lead
He most likely had
Your wife in bed
Little Willy in the best
Played with fire and was burnt to ashes
Very soon the room got chilly
But nobody like to poke poor Willy.
And Carolina bred
And I here I lay -
victim of fast women and slow horses.
He was so cute
Until he forgot
lies all the remains of Charlotte,
Born a virgin, but died a harlot.
For sixteen years she kept her virginity,
A marvellous thing for this vicinity.
Moore has passed away,
Owin' More than he could pay.
to Johnny quite a guy,
Very sad he had to die.
All was well could not be better,
Till he wrote my girl a letter.
upward, out of sight,
He traced the leak by candle light.
After all these years.
Was a lady's man,
And known for miles around .
But he slept with Pearl,
The Gambler's girl,
He now lies six feet under ground.
stand at my grave and weep;
not there. I do not sleep.
I am a
thousand winds that blow.
the diamond glints on snow.
the sunlight on ripened grain.
the gentle autumn's rain.
you awaken in the morning's hush,
the swift uplifting rush
quiet birds in circled flight.
the soft stars that shine at night.
stand at my grave and cry;
not there, I did not die.
- got run over
washed overboard from Grampa's yacht
- went toes up & got real puffy
- never made it back to camp
ate rat poison & started to puke
- under Dad's boot became rather squishy
done in by our vet
- rolled underneath the trash truck's chassis
off the balcony was a grave misstep
- shouldn't have licked the electrical socket
Gretchen - found out porcupines are not for fetchin'
Was a great singer and flyer,
Until he took that nap in the dryer.
All cold and hard,
The last damn dog,
That pooped in my yard!
claim to equality is made only by those who feel themselves to
be in some way inferior.
Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on earth can ever
turn it into a fact.
Honoré de Balzac.
animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.
Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the
the people like us are We,
everyone else is They.
Rudyard Kipling, We and They.
Spy: When you arrive you will meet a man in a black trench coat.
He will ask you for the diamonds.
Spy: And I give him the diamonds?
Spy: No. Don’t. He asks everyone for the diamonds. You will then
meet a lovely redhead. Give her the diamonds.
Spy: Who is she?
Spy: That will be me.
Spy: Oh, You’ll be in disguise.
Spy: No, I’m in disguise now.
British Secret Service was staffed at one point almost entirely
by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB.
Variety is the life of spies.
first, then ethics.
found that a fork in his inexperienced hand was an instrument of
chase rather than capture.
Etiquette is the noise you don’t make while having soup.
EUROPE, THE EEC & NATO
not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine
middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels
hotel for a group grope.
like carrying frogs in a wheelbarrow.
Robertson (General Secretary of NATO), on the difficulties of
getting consensus among all the member states.
Exercise! I never heard that he used any: he might, for aught I
know, walk to the alehouse; but I believe he was always carried
long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t
intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
“What do you do for exercise?”
Levant: “I stumble and then I fall into a coma.”
this exercise, it’ll make you feel great:
seated position, get up and walk to the bar. Mix one jigger of
dry vermouth with seven jiggers of gin. Pour over three-quarters
of a cup of cracked ice and stir well. Strain and pour into a
glass. Twist one lemon peel over the top. Sit down and drink.
your stamina slowly and soon you’ll be able to do ten or twelve
weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so
far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
my only exercise acting as pallbearer at the funerals of my
friends who exercise regularly.
idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.
W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working
out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes
just a little too much.
to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I
needed more exercise ... so now I watch tennis.
feel like exercise, I lie down until it passes.
like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class,. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth
out with chocolate.
Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.
Wilder and Bill Rechin.
ruin an apology with an excuse.
Justifying a fault doubles it.
Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what man does
with what happens to him.
physician is really good before he has killed one or two
know the difference between education and experience? Education
is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when
should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting
incest and folk-dancing.
- Sir Arnold Bax.
me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
road to wisdom?
Well, it's plain
simple to express:
Hein, The Road to Wisdom.
have to open your mind to every new experience. This week I've
been sneezing with my eyes open.
learned more about economics from one South Dakota dust storm
than I did in all my years in college.
Hubert Humphrey, speech, 1960.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
Experience is knowledge, Everything else is information.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.