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DANCE
May I
have the pleasure of the next sadly outdated courting ritual.
-
Michael Leunig.
I got
kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It
wasn't mine.
- Rita
Rudner.
Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what
religion they are.
-
Robin Williams.
Ah,
the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the
joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill
into a bouncing bikini brief….
Nobody
cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
DEATH
The
boys throw rocks at the frogs in jest. But the frogs die in
earnest.
- Bion.
I will
have nothing to do with your immortality: we are miserable
enough in this life, without the absurdity of speculating upon
another.
- Lord
Byron.
Sleep
is lovely, death is better still, not to have been born is of
course the miracle.
-
Heinrich Heine.
Dying
is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
- W.
Somerset Maugham.
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I
quit."
- Bill
Maher, on Politically Incorrect
Die,
v.: To stop sinning suddenly.
-
Elbert Hubbard.
Death
is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
-
Ambrose Bierce.
When I
die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
-
Steven Wright.
Life
is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome.
-
Issac Asimov.
I was
with this girl the other night and from the way she was
responding to my skilful caresses, you would have sworn that she
was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
- Emo
Philips.
It’s
not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when
it happens.
-
Woody Allen.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-
Susan Ertz.
Death
is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
-
Ambrose Bierce.
I'm
very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his
deathbed, sold me this watch.
-
Woody Allen.
He was
a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of
course, he really is dead.
-
Voltaire.
If
there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's
fingertips.
-
Woody Allen.
NEW
YORK, NY. A man was knocked down by a car and got up uninjured,
but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him
to feign injury in order to collect insurance money. The car
rolled forward and crushed him to death.
-
Associated Press, 1977.
When
we die, we don't go to purgatory. We just land on a roof and lie
there.
- Ed
Hendrick, creator of the Frisbee, who died aged 78.
I find
this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it
$40.
-
Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just
shot.
I am
just going outside and may be some time.
-
Captain Lawrence Oates, of the Antarctic.
I am
prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-
Winston Churchill.
I
didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.
- Mark
Twain.
Death
is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
- W.
Somerset Maugham.
Oh,
come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you
laugh at?
- Dan
Fielding.
Die? I
should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
- John
Barrymore.
I saw
that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
- Mark
Watson.
If you
don’t go to other men’s funerals they won’t go to yours.
-
Clarence Day.
From
Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There
is really abominable news:
They’ve discovered a head
In a
box for the bread
But
nobody seems to know whose.
-
Edward Gorey.
If I
could drop dead right now I’d be the happiest man alive.
-
Samuel Goldwyn.
What I
like about Clive
Is
that he is no longer alive.
There
is a great deal to be said
For
being dead.
- E.C.
Bentley.
As the
poets have mournfully sung,
Death
takes the innocent young,
The
rolling-in-money,
The
screamingly-funny,
And
those who are very well hung.
- W.H. Auden.
It’s
passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s
expired and gone to see it’s maker. This is a late parrot. It’s
a stiff. Bereft of life. It rests in peace. If you hadn’t nailed
it to it’s perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It’s rung
down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS is an
ex-parrot.
- John
Cleese and Graham Chapman, And Now for Something Completely
Different.
Groucho Marx: Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
-
Robert Pirosh and George Seaton.
Die,
Doctor? That’s the last thing I shall do!
- Lord
Palmerston (last words, attributed)
If I
believed in reincarnation, I’d come back as a sponge.
-
Woody Allen.
If you
die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
- Sam
Levenson.
Death
is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Death
is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death
is the greatest kick of all - that’s why they save it till last.
Death
is the consequence of being alive.
I want
to be buried upside down; so that the world can kiss my ass.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
He who
dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Is
there life before death? (on cemetery wall).
Sex
after death - getting laid in your grave.
The
cemeteries are filled with people who thought the world couldn't
get along without them.
In
today's traffic there are only two kinds of pedestrians - the
quick and the dead.
Take
20 aspirins and you’ll feel better, if you wake up.
Eat
well, stay fit, avoid stress, die anyway.
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person
never dies.
If I
die, I forgive you; if I recover, we shall see.
DECISIONS
Choices are the hinges of destiny.
-
Edwin Markham.
I can
be decisive, I think.
DEBT
No
man's credit is as good as his money.
- E.W.
Howe, Sinner Sermons.
Before
borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
DEMOCRACY &
DEMOCRATS
It is
by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three
unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of
conscious, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
- Mark
Twain.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's
time to pause and reflect.
- Mark
Twain.
Democracy is the theory
that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get
it good and hard.
- H.L. Mencken.
Those
who cast the votes decide nothing.
Those who count the votes decide everything.
- Josef Stalin
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
- Will
Stanton.
Democrats want to take your guns and your cash. Republicans want
to take your porn and your stash.
-
Jeffry R. Fisher.
The
Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have
demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills
of celery.
- Dave
Barry.
The next great
civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an
exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the
Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy,
meaning "except of course women, slaves and poor people."
- Dave Barry.
The
best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation
with the average voter.
-
Winston Churchill.
Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor.
-
James Russell Lowell.
Democracy: The state of affairs in which you consent to having
your pocket picked, and elect the best man to do it.
-
Benjamin Lichtenberg.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even
if you don't think
Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.
Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for
lunch.
DENTISTS
A
dentist at work always looks down in the mouth.
-
George D. Prentice.
Some
tortures are physical
And
some are mental,
But
the one that is both
Is
dental.
-
Ogden Nash.
It’s
vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn’t a dentist. It
produces a false impression.
-
Oscar Wilde.
Be
true to your teeth lest your teeth be false to you.
-
Derek Roy.
Polly:
Why is it only teeth that decay…You don’t always have to go to
the doctor’s to have holes in your arms stopped up, do you? It’s
a flaw in the design.
- Alan
Bennett.
….that
dear little baby tooth, with a small tag attached, reading: ‘The
first bicuspid that little Willie lost. Extracted from Daddy’s
wrist on April 5, 1887.’
- W.C.
Fields.
So I
went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.
-
Tommy Cooper.
I’ve
got a tooth that’s driving me to extraction.
-
Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen).
I told
my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown
tie.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
I know
she’s got all her own teeth. I was with her when she bought
them.
DEPRESSION
When
women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-
Elaine Boosler.
DESIGN
Any
intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex.... It
takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the
opposite direction.
-
Albert Einstein.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not
simpler.
-
Albert Einstein.
When
the solution is simple, God is answering.
-
Albert Einstein.
DESPAIR
Noble
deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.
-
Dodie Smith.
Bingo uttered a stricken
woofle like a bull-dog that has been refused cake.
- P.G. Wodehouse.
How can you be depressed in a world where a man makes a living selling concrete wildlife?
When I’m feeling down I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
DEVIL
The
devil is an optimist if he thinks he can make people meaner.
- Karl
Kraus.
The
devil is a gentleman who never goes where he is not welcome.
- John
A. Lincoln.
I'm an
angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo
straight
DIETING
The
leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through
street grates.
- Dave
Barry.
If
nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have
put them on the outside of our bodies.
-
Elmer Rice.
The
biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – or
how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
- Andy
Rooney.
No
diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is
entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you
could do is run for public office.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
Food
is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to
look good.
- Beth
McCollister.
I've
been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a
total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a
charm bracelet.
- Erma
Bombeck.
When I
buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I
spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage
later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't
taste that bad.
-
Janette Barber.
I
bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I
opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops.
-
Marie Mott.
A diet
is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.
I
tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for
me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made
me hungry.
The
cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Inside
some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
I'm on
a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.
I keep
trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
I'm on
a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Forget
love... I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Just
give me chocolate and nobody gets hurt!
How is
your wife getting along on her reducing diet?
Fine.
She vanished last night.
Now
that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
DIPLOMATS &
DIPLOMACY
How is
the world ruled and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
journalists and then believe what they read.
- Karl
Kraus.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers
are for finishing it.....You take diplomacy out of war, and the
thing would fall flat in a week.
- Will
Rogers.
Whenever you accept our views we shall be in full agreement with
you.
-
Moshe Dayan.
DISCOVERY
The
most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds
new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's
funny ...'
-
Isaac Asimov.
DIVORCE
….being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live
through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to
the left.
- Jean
Kerr.
Ah,
yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s
genitals through his wallet.
-
Robin Williams.
The
only lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless,
separation.
-
Horace Walpole.
“Mr.
Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce
court judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a
week.”
“That’s very fair, your honour,” the husband said, “And every
now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
There
are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's
Take
your ex out tonight – one bullet ought to do it.
Why is
divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.
DOCTORS
The
chief defect of Henry King
Was
chewing little bits of string.
At
last he swallowed some which tied
Itself
in ugly knots inside.
Physicians of the Utmost Fame
Were
called at once; but when they came
They
answered, as they took their Fees,
“There
is no Cure for this Disease”.
-
Hilaire Belloc.
I
asked him if he had the results of the x-rays. He took me into
his surgery….He gave me one of those looks of his, redolent of
the cemetery, and said that I should buy day-returns from now on
instead of season tickets.
- Hugh
Leonard.
Doctor: I don’t like the look of your husband.
Wife:
I don’t either, but he’s good to the children.
- Joke
inside Sainsbury’s Christmas cracker.
A
wonderful doctor gave this guy 6 months to live. When he
couldn't pay his bills, he gave him another 6 months.
-
Henry Youngman.
A male
gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-
Carrie Snow.
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
-
Dolly Parton.
When
doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
- W.C.
Fields.
Never
go to a doctor who's office plants have died.
- Erma
Bombeck.
An
apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute then
forget the fruit.
A man
came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
Man
goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
“Doc I
can't stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’”.
“That
sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it
common?”
“It's
not unusual.”
A man
walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
DOGS
Every
day, the dog and I, we go for a tramp in the woods. And he loves
it! Mind you, the tramp is getting a bit fed up!
-
Jerry Dennis.
They
had a …dog called Bluey. A known psychopath, Bluey would attack
himself if nothing else was available. He used to chase himself
in circles trying to bite his own balls off.
-
Clive James.
Dogs
display reluctance and wrath
If you
try to give them a bath;
They
bury bones in hideaways
And
half the time they trot sideaways.
-
Ogden Nash.
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than
of friends.
-
Alexander Pope.
It's
not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight
in the dog.
- Mark
Twain.
Ever
consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork,
half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne
Tyler.
Beware
of silent dogs and still waters.
-
Portuguese Proverb.
You
can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought
of that!'
- Dave
Barry.
If you
pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark
Twain.
The
black dog was the only intelligent member of the family. He died
a few years later. He wasn’t poisoned, and no one will convince
me it wasn’t suicide.
- Hugh
Leonard.
I knew
a couple of elderly spinsters who had a sort of German sausage
on legs which they called a dog. They used to wash its face with
warm water every morning.
-
Jerome K. Jerome.
I talk
to him when I'm lonesome like;
and
I'm sure he understands.
When
he looks at me so attentively,
and
gently licks my hands;
then
he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes,
but I
never say naught thereat.
For
the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes,
but
never a friend like that.
- W.
Dayton Wedgefarth.
Dogs'
lives are too short. Their only fault, really.
-
Agnes Sligh Turnbull.
Never
trust a dog to watch your food.
-
Patrick, age 10.
We
long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven
has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment.
-
George Eliot.
If you
think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
- Phil
Pastoret.
Dogs
laugh, but they laugh with their tails.
- Max
Eastman, Enjoyment of Laughter.
I
bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane.
-
Steven Wright.
If
dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning
one.
- Andy
Rooney.
A dog
is not "almost human" and I know of no greater insult to the
canine race than to describe it as such.
- John
Holmes.
Dogs
are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-
Roger Caras.
Near
this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty
without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without
Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man, without his Vices. This
Praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery if inscribed over
human ashes, is but a just tribute to the Memory of Boatswain, a
Dog.
-
George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Inscription on the Monument of a
Newfoundland Dog"
Dogs
have given us their absolute all. We are the centre of their
universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust.
They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the
best deal man has ever made.
-
Roger Caras.
Dogs
feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear.
- Dave
Barry.
Some
dog I got! We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a
pyramid.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
My dog is worried about
the economy because Ecco is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost
$7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein.
Dogs,
the foremost snobs in creation, are quick to notice the
difference between a well-clad and a disreputable stranger.
-
Albert Payson Terhune.
A dog
is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love
yourself.
- Josh
Billings.
I
wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult.
- Rita
Rudner.
Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat
on.
-
Colette.
The
nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can
breathe without letting go.
-
Winston Churchill.
What
counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight -
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-
Dwight Eisenhower, address to Republican National Committee, 31
January 1958.
One
dog barks at something, and a hundred bark at the bark.
-
Chinese Proverb
One
reason the dog has so many friends: He wags his tail instead of
his tongue.
Some
days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
Money
will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.
If
your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
To a
dog the whole world is a smell.
If
your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The
dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
A man
takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks
the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?
Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No,
because he's really heavy".
Guy
goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside."
"...How's that?"
"Don't
you start."
How do
you know when your house has been robbed by an Oriental?
The
dog is missing.
Never
pet a burning dog.
Dogs
can’t smell fear, but they can smell wet pants.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Never
mind the dog, beware of the owner.
If you
get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
Every
dog has his day. Of course, his day consists mainly of smelling
other dog’s butts.
What
has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
My dog
can lick anyone.
DREAMS & DAYDREAMS
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and
safely insane every night of our lives.
-
William Dement.
I
dream for a living.
-
Steven Spielberg.
I was
trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-
Steven Wright.
Dreams
are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.
-
X-Files
If you
want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
DRIVING
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic
jams.
- Mary
Ellen Kelly.
The
best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
-
Dudley Moore.
Any
man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply
not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
-
Albert Einstein.
The
one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.
- Dave
Barry, Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn.
Our
national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
-
Lewis Mumford.
The
shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-
Noelie Altito.
Another way to solve the traffic problems of this country is to
pass a law that only paid-for cars be allowed to use the
highways.
- Will
Rogers.
What a
lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile;
otherwise can you imagine the awful screeching?
-
Samuel Hoffenstein.
If all
the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would
probably be Labor Day Weekend.
- Doug
Larson.
Walking isn't a lost art - one must, by some means, get to the
garage.
- Evan
Esar.
The
automobile has not merely taken over the street, it has
dissolved the living tissue of the city. Its appetite for space
is absolutely insatiable; moving and parked, it devours urban
land, leaving the buildings as mere islands of habitable space
in a sea of dangerous and ugly traffic.
-
James Marston Fitch, New York Times, 1 May 1960.
Remember folks, street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed
for 70 mph.
- Jim
Samuels.
You
can't see anything from a car; you've got to get out of the
goddamn contraption and walk, better yet crawl, on hands and
knees, over the sandstone and through the thornbrush and cactus.
When traces of blood begin to mark your trail, you'll see
something, maybe.
-
Edward Abbey.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
-
Author unknown, as seen on a T-shirt.
Never
drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Car
sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
A
pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons
left in the tank.
So I
was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said
"Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for
it."
DOUBT
To
have doubted one’s own first principles is the mark of a
civilized man.
-
Oliver Wendell Holmes.
The
trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the
intelligent are full of doubt.
-
Bertrand Russell.
Doubt
is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
-
Voltaire.
I can
live with doubt and uncertainty. I think it’s much more
interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might
be wrong.
-
Richard P. Feynman.
Just
think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt.
-
Clarence Darrow.
I
respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
-
Wilson Mizner.
Modest
doubt is called the beacon of the wise.
-
William Shakespeare.
The
important thing is not to stop questioning.
-
Albert Einstein.
Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization.
-
Eugene V. Debs.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
DRESS & FASHION
A
well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.
-
Oscar Wilde.
Boy
George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Joan
Rivers.
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
DRINKING
In
wine there is wisdom,
in
beer there is freedom,
in
water there is bacteria.
-
Benjamin Franklin.
Not
all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a
vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave
Barry.
What
may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like
an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had
between four and seven beers.
- Dave
Barry.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles
called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless
you have been drinking.
- Dave
Barry.
Be
wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors
and miss.
-
Lazarus Long.
There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.
- John
Ciandi.
He was
a wise man who invented beer.
-
Plato.
Candy
is dandy but liquor is quicker.
-
Ogden Nash
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more
pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while
everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing
six or seven.
- W.C.
Fields.
There
is something about a martini,
Ere
the dining and dancing begin;
And to
tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth -
I
think that perhaps it's the gin.
-
Ogden Nash
You
can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
- Mark
Twain.
The
problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
-
William Butler Yeats.
Marge,
every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of
my brain. Remember the time I learned how to make wine and
forgot how to drive?
-
Homer Simpson.
An
alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you
do.
-
Dylan Thomas.
I feel
sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-
Frank Sinatra.
Came
home at 3:15, not tight, loosened, if anything, one or two
joints unbolted, no more than that, perfectly capable of
sticking key in letter-box and walking into Christmas tree.
- Alan
Coren.
When I
read about all the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-
Henny Youngman.
Pretty
women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.
- Al
Bundy.
Homer
no function beer well without.
-
Homer Simpson.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave
Barry.
Beer
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-
Benjamin Franklin.
After
four martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And
after the fifth, I pass out altogether.
I
am sparkling; you are unusually talkative; he is
drunk.
-
Competition, New Statesman.
There
are two reasons for drinking: one is when you are thirsty, to
cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it.
- T.L.
Peacock.
I
drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an
olive in it.
-
Rodney Dangerfield.
I
don't like people who take drugs.....customs men for example.
- Mick
Miller.
I
exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger
than gin before breakfast.
- W.C.
Fields.
I hate
to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me.
-
Hunter S Thompson.
I
can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my
liver.
- Phil
Harris.
My dad
was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New
York City?
-
Henry Youngman.
I
drink therefore I am.
- W.C.
Fields.
I'd
rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal
lobotomy.
- Fred
Allen.
I once
shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
- Dean
Martin.
Time
is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-
Catherine Zandonella.
I
distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a
drink.
- Joe
E. Lewis.
When I
sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it
on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
- Al
Capone.
I
always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -
which I also keep handy.
- W.C.
Fields.
I was
at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- Emo
Philips.
What
contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
- W.C.
Fields.
A
woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to
thank her.
- W.C.
Fields.
Once,
during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but
food and water.
- W.C.
Fields.
I feel
as if someone stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.
- W.C.
Fields.
The
cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
- W.C.
Fields.
I
always wake up at the crack of ice.
- Joe
E. Lewis.
For a
bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey.
-
Eddie Condon.
I
drink to make other people interesting.
-
George Jean Nathan.
Wine:
A good general rule is to state that the bouquet is better than
the taste, and vice versa.
-
Stephen Potter.
So
who’s in a hurry?
-
Robert Benchley [in response to a warning that drinking is “slow
poison”]
My
grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
-
Henny Youngman.
All
animals are strictly dry:
They
sinless live, and swiftly die.
But
sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for threescore years and ten;
And
some, as anyone can see,
Stay
pickled till they’re ninety three.
To
some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
Laugh
and the world laughs with you. Puke and you’re on your own.
You
have had too much to drink if you feel sophisticated and can't
pronounce it.
Beer –
the reason I get up each afternoon.
Beer –
it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
How
many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
I
always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of
lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.
Reality is an illusion produced by alcohol deficiency.
She
was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Too
much blood, not enough alcohol.
Rehab
is for quitters.
I quit
drinking and smoking once. Very boring 15 minutes.
Courage
reaches parts other beers don’t bother with.
Mavis
Brown reaches parts other beers definitely can’t reach.
Drink
wet cement and get really stoned.
Everybody should believe: I believe I'll have a drink.
There’s no alcohol in Iran but you can get stoned anytime - and
the Ayatollah Khomeini will shake you warmly by the stump.
All
this beer drinking will be the urination of me.
You
don't buy beer, you rent it.
I’m
not drinking any more. Then again, I’m not drinking any less.
People
who insist on drinking before driving are putting the quart
before the hearse.
A
bunch of beer-bellies can turn a bar into a vast waistland.
Déjà
brew: We’ve had this beer before.
I may
be drunk, but you're stupid: at least I'll sober up.
Excellent day for drinking heavily.
I’m
not going to drink any more. I’m not going to drink any less
either.
Will
have sex for beer.
DRIVING & CARS
The
rush-hour traffic I’d just as soon miss
When
caraftercarismovinglikethis.
-
Robert Lauher.
I
bought my wife a new car. She called me and said there was water
in the carburettor. I said where’s the car? She said in the
lake.
-
Henny Youngman.
They
think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know
if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's
sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
-
Billie Holliday.
People
can have the Model T in any colour - so long as it's black.
-
Henry Ford.
If the
automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million
miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone
inside.
-
Robert X. Cringely.
Have
you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-
George Carlin.
When
you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
-
Billy Connolly.
If your wife wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way.
Drive
carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by
it's maker.
Drive
it like you stole it
- Seen
on a bumper sticker.
I'm in
no hurry; I'm on my way to work.
-
Bumper sticker.
The
journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
flat tire.
I want
to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
Pet
Peeve #843287: SUV drivers that whine about the price of gas.
You bought that overpriced penis extension - learn to live with
the consequences.
Forget
about World Peace ... visualize using your turn signal.
Women
can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
No
hand signals...Driver on Viagra.
If you
can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
I
drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
You
never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If you
can read this sticker my caravan is missing.
Never
buy a car you can’t push.
Brakes
are for wimps.
Cover
me. I'm changing lanes.
Horn
broken. Watch for finger.
Follow
that car, Godzilla, and step on it!
You
don't like the way I drive, dial 1-800-Eat-Sh*t
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
My gas
tank goes from zero to $30 in under a minute.
I
drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When
you’re run down, the best thing to take is the licence number.
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them
while driving.
If the
universe is expanding, why the Hell can't I find a parking
space?
A
blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal
fluid.
Keep
honking while I reload.
Drive
defensively. Buy a tank.
Can
you hear my middle finger over your blaring speakers?
If you
lived in your car you’d be home by now.
BACK
OFF! I’m gonna fart.
Laws
of Motorcycling:
1. A
motorcycle will always fall over with a crowd present.
2. The
odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to
the size of the audience and the owners ego (the newness and
expense of the bike may also factor into this).
3.
Moving motorcycles are to juicy bugs what U.S. Navy carriers
once were to kamikaze pilots.
4. You
will not feel a need to go to the restroom until after you have
put on your rainsuit.
5.
Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
6.
Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
7. If
you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
8. A
bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
9.
Young riders pick a destination - Old riders pick a direction.
10. If
you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
11.
Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck.
12.
There are drunk riders...there are old riders...there are NO
old, drunk riders.
13.
Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car
window.
14.
The fact that your keys are in your pants pocket will only
become apparent after you have put your gloves on.
15.
Quick fixes are so named for how long they stay fixed.
16.
The only part you really need will also be the only one on
permanent backorder.
17.
Nothing is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to
a prospective buyer.
18.
You will never have a flat tire on the road unless you leave the
flat repair kit a home.
19.
Universal kit accessories are so named because they fit no bike
in the universe.
DRUGS
I
don't do drugs. I am drugs.
-
Salvador Dali.
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills
of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we
shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for
stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
- P.J.
O'Rourke.
Did
you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest
in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that.
All we need to do is start the war on education. If it's
anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time
we'll all be hooked on ebonics.
-
Leighann Lord.
Pharmaceutical companies will soon rule the world if we keep
letting them believe we are a happy, functional society so long
as all the women are on Prozac, all children on Ritalin, and all
men on Viagra.
-
Terri Guillemets.
I've
never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the
police.
-
Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones.
I
don't know. I never smoked AstroTurf.
- Tug
McGraw, when asked if he preferred grass or artificial turf,
1974.
I
don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example.
- Mick
Miller.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember
what they are.
- Mat
Lauer.
I hate
to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me.
-
Hunter S. Thompson.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
-
Robin Williams.
Drugs
are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you
think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't
penalized for being on grass.
- Bob
Hope.
Avoid
all needle drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard
Nixon.
-
Abbie Hoffman.
Reality is the crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
- Lily
Tomlin.
The
best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early
eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk
saying: ‘I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed
Belushi.’
-
Denis Leary.
Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been taking it
for years.
-
Tallulah Bankhead.
Remember, it's not, "How
high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?”
I
tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my
nose.
In the
60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
I said
"NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.
I
don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
by standing up really fast.
Drugs
may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
DULL & INTERESTING
Only
dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
-
Oscar Wilde.
It is
better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
-
Oscar Wilde.
It is
absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either
charming or tedious.
-
Oscar Wilde.
When
you can do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you
will command the attention of the world.
-
George Washington Carver.
Cute
and interesting are two entirely different things.
There
is always a law against doing anything interesting.
Seriousness is the very next step to being dull.
DUTY
When a
stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always
declares that it is his duty.
-
George Bernard Shaw.
My
doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a
natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore
excused from saving Universes.
-
Douglas Adams.
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