The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations D

 

 

DANCE

 

May I have the pleasure of the next sadly outdated courting ritual.

- Michael Leunig.

 

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

- Rita Rudner.

 

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

- Robin Williams.

 

Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief….

 

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

DEATH

 

The boys throw rocks at the frogs in jest. But the frogs die in earnest.

- Bion.

 

I will have nothing to do with your immortality: we are miserable enough in this life, without the absurdity of speculating upon another.

- Lord Byron.

 

Sleep is lovely, death is better still, not to have been born is of course the miracle.

- Heinrich Heine.

 

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

- W. Somerset Maugham.

 

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

- Bill Maher, on Politically Incorrect

 

Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly.

- Elbert Hubbard.

 

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

- Steven Wright.

 

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

- Issac Asimov.

 

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skilful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

- Emo Philips.

 

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

- Woody Allen.

 

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

- Susan Ertz.

 

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

- Woody Allen.

 

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead.

- Voltaire.

 

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

- Woody Allen.

 

NEW YORK, NY. A man was knocked down by a car and got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to feign injury in order to collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

- Associated Press, 1977.

 

When we die, we don't go to purgatory. We just land on a roof and lie there.

- Ed Hendrick, creator of the Frisbee, who died aged 78.

 

I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot.

 

I am just going outside and may be some time.

- Captain Lawrence Oates, of the Antarctic.

 

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

- Winston Churchill.

 

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

- Mark Twain.

 

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

- W. Somerset Maugham.

 

Oh, come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?

- Dan Fielding.

 

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

- John Barrymore.

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

- Mark Watson.

 

If you don’t go to other men’s funerals they won’t go to yours.

- Clarence Day.

 

From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,

There is really abominable news:

They’ve discovered a head

In a box for the bread

But nobody seems to know whose.

- Edward Gorey.

 

If I could drop dead right now I’d be the happiest man alive.

- Samuel Goldwyn.

 

What I like about Clive

Is that he is no longer alive.

There is a great deal to be said

For being dead.

- E.C. Bentley.

 

As the poets have mournfully sung,

Death takes the innocent young,

The rolling-in-money,

The screamingly-funny,

And those who are very well hung.

- W.H. Auden.

 

It’s passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to see it’s maker. This is a late parrot. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life. It rests in peace. If you hadn’t nailed it to it’s perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS is an ex-parrot.

- John Cleese and Graham Chapman, And Now for Something Completely Different.

 

Groucho Marx: Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

- Robert Pirosh and George Seaton.

 

Die, Doctor? That’s the last thing I shall do!

- Lord Palmerston (last words, attributed)

 

If I believed in reincarnation, I’d come back as a sponge.

- Woody Allen.

 

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

- Sam Levenson.

 

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

 

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

 

Death is the greatest kick of all - that’s why they save it till last.

 

Death is the consequence of being alive.

 

I want to be buried upside down; so that the world can kiss my ass.

 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

 

Is there life before death? (on cemetery wall).

 

Sex after death - getting laid in your grave.

 

The cemeteries are filled with people who thought the world couldn't get along without them.

 

In today's traffic there are only two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

 

Take 20 aspirins and you’ll feel better, if you wake up.

 

Eat well, stay fit, avoid stress, die anyway.

 

According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.

 

If I die, I forgive you; if I recover, we shall see.

 

DECISIONS

 

Choices are the hinges of destiny.

- Edwin Markham.

 

I can be decisive, I think.

 

DEBT

 

No man's credit is as good as his money.

- E.W. Howe, Sinner Sermons.

 

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

 

DEMOCRACY & DEMOCRATS

 

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscious, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

- Mark Twain.

 

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.

- Mark Twain.

 

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Those who cast the votes decide nothing.
Those who count the votes decide everything.
- Josef Stalin

 

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

- Will Stanton.

 

Democrats want to take your guns and your cash. Republicans want to take your porn and your stash.

- Jeffry R. Fisher.

 

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

- Dave Barry.

 

The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except of course women, slaves and poor people."

- Dave Barry.

 

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor.

- James Russell Lowell.

 

Democracy: The state of affairs in which you consent to having your pocket picked, and elect the best man to do it.

- Benjamin Lichtenberg.

 

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think

 

Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.

 

Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for lunch.

 

DENTISTS

 

A dentist at work always looks down in the mouth.

- George D. Prentice.

 

Some tortures are physical

And some are mental,

But the one that is both

Is dental.

- Ogden Nash.

 

It’s vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn’t a dentist. It produces a false impression.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Be true to your teeth lest your teeth be false to you.

- Derek Roy.

 

Polly: Why is it only teeth that decay…You don’t always have to go to the doctor’s to have holes in your arms stopped up, do you? It’s a flaw in the design.

- Alan Bennett.

 

….that dear little baby tooth, with a small tag attached, reading: ‘The first bicuspid that little Willie lost. Extracted from Daddy’s wrist on April 5, 1887.’

- W.C. Fields.

 

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.

- Tommy Cooper.

 

I’ve got a tooth that’s driving me to extraction.

- Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen).

 

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

I know she’s got all her own teeth. I was with her when she bought them.

 

DEPRESSION

 

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

- Elaine Boosler.

 

DESIGN

 

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex.... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

- Albert Einstein.

 

When the solution is simple, God is answering.

- Albert Einstein.

 

 

DESPAIR

 

Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.

- Dodie Smith.

 

Bingo uttered a stricken woofle like a bull-dog that has been refused cake.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

How can you be depressed in a world where a man makes a living selling concrete wildlife?
 
When I’m feeling down I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
 

DEVIL

 

The devil is an optimist if he thinks he can make people meaner.

- Karl Kraus.

 

The devil is a gentleman who never goes where he is not welcome.

- John A. Lincoln.

 

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight

 

DIETING

 

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

- Dave Barry.

 

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.

- Elmer Rice.

 

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – or how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

- Andy Rooney.

 

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

- Beth McCollister.

 

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad.

- Janette Barber.

 

I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops.

- Marie Mott.

 

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.

 

I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.

 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

 

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

 

I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

 

I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!

 

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

 

Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate!

 

Just give me chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

 

How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?

Fine. She vanished last night.

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

DIPLOMATS & DIPLOMACY

 

How is the world ruled and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists and then believe what they read.

- Karl Kraus.

 

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.....You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.

- Will Rogers.

 

Whenever you accept our views we shall be in full agreement with you.

- Moshe Dayan.

 

DISCOVERY

 

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'

- Isaac Asimov.

 

DIVORCE

 

….being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

- Jean Kerr.

 

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

- Robin Williams.

 

The only lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, separation.

- Horace Walpole.

 

“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honour,” the husband said, “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

 

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

 

Take your ex out tonight – one bullet ought to do it.

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.

 

DOCTORS

 

The chief defect of Henry King

Was chewing little bits of string.

At last he swallowed some which tied

Itself in ugly knots inside.

Physicians of the Utmost Fame

Were called at once; but when they came

They answered, as they took their Fees,

“There is no Cure for this Disease”.

- Hilaire Belloc.

 

I asked him if he had the results of the x-rays. He took me into his surgery….He gave me one of those looks of his, redolent of the cemetery, and said that I should buy day-returns from now on instead of season tickets.

- Hugh Leonard.

 

Doctor: I don’t like the look of your husband.

Wife: I don’t either, but he’s good to the children.

- Joke inside Sainsbury’s Christmas cracker.

 

A wonderful doctor gave this guy 6 months to live. When he couldn't pay his bills, he gave him another 6 months.

- Henry Youngman.

 

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

- Carrie Snow.

 

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.

- Dolly Parton.

 

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

- W.C. Fields.

 

Never go to a doctor who's office plants have died.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute then forget the fruit.

 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

 

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

“Doc I can't stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’”.

“That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It's not unusual.”

 

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

 

DOGS

 

Every day, the dog and I, we go for a tramp in the woods. And he loves it! Mind you, the tramp is getting a bit fed up!

- Jerry Dennis.

 

They had a …dog called Bluey. A known psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available. He used to chase himself in circles trying to bite his own balls off.

- Clive James.

 

Dogs display reluctance and wrath

If you try to give them a bath;

They bury bones in hideaways

And half the time they trot sideaways.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.

- Alexander Pope.

 

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

- Mark Twain.

 

Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

- Anne Tyler.

 

Beware of silent dogs and still waters.

- Portuguese Proverb.

 

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

- Dave Barry.

 

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

- Mark Twain.

 

The black dog was the only intelligent member of the family. He died a few years later. He wasn’t poisoned, and no one will convince me it wasn’t suicide.

- Hugh Leonard.

 

I knew a couple of elderly spinsters who had a sort of German sausage on legs which they called a dog. They used to wash its face with warm water every morning.

- Jerome K. Jerome.

 

I talk to him when I'm lonesome like;

and I'm sure he understands.

When he looks at me so attentively,

and gently licks my hands;

then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes,

but I never say naught thereat.

For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes,

but never a friend like that.

- W. Dayton Wedgefarth.

 

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really.

- Agnes Sligh Turnbull.

 

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

- Patrick, age 10.

 

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment.

- George Eliot.

 

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

- Phil Pastoret.

 

Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.

- Max Eastman, Enjoyment of Laughter.

 

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane.

- Steven Wright.

 

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

- Andy Rooney.

 

A dog is not "almost human" and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such.

- John Holmes.

 

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

- Roger Caras.

 

Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man, without his Vices. This Praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just tribute to the Memory of Boatswain, a Dog.

- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Inscription on the Monument of a Newfoundland Dog"

 

Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the centre of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.

- Roger Caras.

 

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

- Dave Barry.

 

Some dog I got! We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

My dog is worried about the economy because Ecco is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.

- Joe Weinstein.

 

Dogs, the foremost snobs in creation, are quick to notice the difference between a well-clad and a disreputable stranger.

- Albert Payson Terhune.

 

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

- Josh Billings.

 

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

- Rita Rudner.

 

Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on.

- Colette.

 

The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.

- Winston Churchill.

 

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog.

- Dwight Eisenhower, address to Republican National Committee, 31 January 1958.

 

One dog barks at something, and a hundred bark at the bark.

- Chinese Proverb

 

One reason the dog has so many friends: He wags his tail instead of his tongue.

 

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.

 

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

 

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

 

To a dog the whole world is a smell.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

 

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"...How's that?"

"Don't you start."

 

How do you know when your house has been robbed by an Oriental?

The dog is missing.

 

Never pet a burning dog.

 

Dogs can’t smell fear, but they can smell wet pants.

 
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

 

Never mind the dog, beware of the owner.

 

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 

Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists mainly of smelling other dog’s butts.

 

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

 

My dog can lick anyone.

 

DREAMS & DAYDREAMS

 

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

- William Dement.

 

I dream for a living.

- Steven Spielberg.

 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

- Steven Wright.

 

Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.

- X-Files

 

If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.

 

DRIVING

 

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

- Mary Ellen Kelly.

 

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

- Dudley Moore.

 

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

- Albert Einstein.

 

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

- Dave Barry, Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn.

 

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

- Lewis Mumford.

 

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

- Noelie Altito.

 

Another way to solve the traffic problems of this country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars be allowed to use the highways.

- Will Rogers.

 

What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise can you imagine the awful screeching?

- Samuel Hoffenstein.

 

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

- Doug Larson.

 

Walking isn't a lost art - one must, by some means, get to the garage.

- Evan Esar.

 

The automobile has not merely taken over the street, it has dissolved the living tissue of the city. Its appetite for space is absolutely insatiable; moving and parked, it devours urban land, leaving the buildings as mere islands of habitable space in a sea of dangerous and ugly traffic.

- James Marston Fitch, New York Times, 1 May 1960.

 

Remember folks, street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

- Jim Samuels.

 

You can't see anything from a car; you've got to get out of the goddamn contraption and walk, better yet crawl, on hands and knees, over the sandstone and through the thornbrush and cactus. When traces of blood begin to mark your trail, you'll see something, maybe.

- Edward Abbey.

 

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

- Author unknown, as seen on a T-shirt.

 

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

 

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

 

A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.

 

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it."

 

DOUBT

 

To have doubted one’s own first principles is the mark of a civilized man.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes.

 

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one.

- Voltaire.

 

I can live with doubt and uncertainty. I think it’s much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.

- Richard P. Feynman.

 

Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt.

- Clarence Darrow.

 

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

- Wilson Mizner.

 

Modest doubt is called the beacon of the wise.

- William Shakespeare.

 

The important thing is not to stop questioning.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization.

- Eugene V. Debs.

 

I doubt, therefore I might be.

 

DRESS & FASHION

 

A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

- Joan Rivers.

 

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

DRINKING

 

In wine there is wisdom,

in beer there is freedom,

in water there is bacteria.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

- Dave Barry.

 

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

- Dave Barry.

 

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

- Dave Barry.

 

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

- Lazarus Long.

 

There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.

- John Ciandi.

 

He was a wise man who invented beer.

- Plato.

 

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

- Ogden Nash

 

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

- W.C. Fields.

 

There is something about a martini,

Ere the dining and dancing begin;

And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth -

I think that perhaps it's the gin.

- Ogden Nash

 

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

- Mark Twain.

 

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

- William Butler Yeats.

 

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember the time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

- Homer Simpson.

 

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

- Dylan Thomas.

 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

- Frank Sinatra.

 

Came home at 3:15, not tight, loosened, if anything, one or two joints unbolted, no more than that, perfectly capable of sticking key in letter-box and walking into Christmas tree.

- Alan Coren.

 

When I read about all the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

- Henny Youngman.

 

Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.

- Al Bundy.

 

Homer no function beer well without.

- Homer Simpson.

 

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

- Dave Barry.

 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

After four martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether.

 

I am sparkling; you are unusually talkative; he is drunk.

- Competition, New Statesman.

 

There are two reasons for drinking: one is when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it.

- T.L. Peacock.

 

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

I don't like people who take drugs.....customs men for example.

- Mick Miller.

 

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

- Hunter S Thompson.

 

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

- Phil Harris.

 

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

- Henry Youngman.

 

I drink therefore I am.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

- Fred Allen.

 

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

- Dean Martin.

 

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

- Catherine Zandonella.

 

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink.

- Joe E. Lewis.

 

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.

- Al Capone.

 

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

- Emo Philips.

 

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

- W.C. Fields.

 

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

- W.C. Fields.

 

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I feel as if someone stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.

- W.C. Fields.

 

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

- W.C. Fields.

 

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

- Joe E. Lewis.

 

For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey.

- Eddie Condon.

 

I drink to make other people interesting.

- George Jean Nathan.

 

Wine: A good general rule is to state that the bouquet is better than the taste, and vice versa.

- Stephen Potter.

 

So who’s in a hurry?

- Robert Benchley [in response to a warning that drinking is “slow poison”]

 

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

- Henny Youngman.

 

All animals are strictly dry:

They sinless live, and swiftly die.

But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men

Survive for threescore years and ten;

And some, as anyone can see,

Stay pickled till they’re ninety three.

 

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Puke and you’re on your own.

 

You have had too much to drink if you feel sophisticated and can't pronounce it.

 

Beer – the reason I get up each afternoon.

 

Beer – it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

 

I always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.

 

Reality is an illusion produced by alcohol deficiency.

 

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

Too much blood, not enough alcohol.

 

Rehab is for quitters.

 

I quit drinking and smoking once. Very boring 15 minutes.

 

Courage reaches parts other beers don’t bother with.

 

Mavis Brown reaches parts other beers definitely can’t reach.

 

Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

 

Everybody should believe: I believe I'll have a drink.

 

There’s no alcohol in Iran but you can get stoned anytime - and the Ayatollah Khomeini will shake you warmly by the stump.

 

All this beer drinking will be the urination of me.

 

You don't buy beer, you rent it.

 

I’m not drinking any more. Then again, I’m not drinking any less.

 

People who insist on drinking before driving are putting the quart before the hearse.

 

A bunch of beer-bellies can turn a bar into a vast waistland.

 

Déjà brew: We’ve had this beer before.

 

I may be drunk, but you're stupid: at least I'll sober up.

 

Excellent day for drinking heavily.

 

I’m not going to drink any more. I’m not going to drink any less either.

 

Will have sex for beer.

 

DRIVING & CARS

 

The rush-hour traffic I’d just as soon miss

When caraftercarismovinglikethis.

- Robert Lauher.

 

I bought my wife a new car. She called me and said there was water in the carburettor. I said where’s the car? She said in the lake.

- Henny Youngman.

 

They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

- Billie Holliday.

 

People can have the Model T in any colour - so long as it's black.

- Henry Ford.

 

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

- Robert X. Cringely.

 

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

- George Carlin.

 

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

- Billy Connolly.

 

If your wife wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way.

 

Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.

 

Drive it like you stole it

- Seen on a bumper sticker.

 

I'm in no hurry; I'm on my way to work.

- Bumper sticker.

 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

 

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

Pet Peeve #843287: SUV drivers that whine about the price of gas. You bought that overpriced penis extension - learn to live with the consequences.

 

Forget about World Peace ... visualize using your turn signal.

 

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

 

No hand signals...Driver on Viagra.

 

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

If you can read this sticker my caravan is missing.

 

Never buy a car you can’t push.

 

Brakes are for wimps.

 

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

 

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

 

Follow that car, Godzilla, and step on it!

 

You don't like the way I drive, dial 1-800-Eat-Sh*t

 

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

 

My gas tank goes from zero to $30 in under a minute.

 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

When you’re run down, the best thing to take is the licence number.

 

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

 

If the universe is expanding, why the Hell can't I find a parking space?

 

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.

 

Keep honking while I reload.

 

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

 

Can you hear my middle finger over your blaring speakers?

 

If you lived in your car you’d be home by now.

 

BACK OFF! I’m gonna fart.

 

Laws of Motorcycling:

1. A motorcycle will always fall over with a crowd present.

2. The odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the size of the audience and the owners ego (the newness and expense of the bike may also factor into this).

3. Moving motorcycles are to juicy bugs what U.S. Navy carriers once were to kamikaze pilots.

4. You will not feel a need to go to the restroom until after you have put on your rainsuit.

5. Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.

6. Never mistake horsepower for staying power.

7. If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.

8. A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.

9. Young riders pick a destination - Old riders pick a direction.

10. If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.

11. Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck.

12. There are drunk riders...there are old riders...there are NO old, drunk riders.

13. Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.

14. The fact that your keys are in your pants pocket will only become apparent after you have put your gloves on.

15. Quick fixes are so named for how long they stay fixed.

16. The only part you really need will also be the only one on permanent backorder.

17. Nothing is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to a prospective buyer.

18. You will never have a flat tire on the road unless you leave the flat repair kit a home.

19. Universal kit accessories are so named because they fit no bike in the universe.

 

DRUGS

 

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.

- Salvador Dali.

 

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

- P.J. O'Rourke.

 

Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education. If it's anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we'll all be hooked on ebonics.

- Leighann Lord.

 

Pharmaceutical companies will soon rule the world if we keep letting them believe we are a happy, functional society so long as all the women are on Prozac, all children on Ritalin, and all men on Viagra.

- Terri Guillemets.

 

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

- Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones.

 

I don't know. I never smoked AstroTurf.

- Tug McGraw, when asked if he preferred grass or artificial turf, 1974.

 

I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example.

- Mick Miller.

 

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

- Mat Lauer.

 

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

- Hunter S. Thompson.

 

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

- Robin Williams.

 

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

- Bob Hope.

 

Avoid all needle drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.

- Abbie Hoffman.

 

Reality is the crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

- Lily Tomlin.

 

The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk saying: ‘I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.’

- Denis Leary.

 

Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been taking it for years.

- Tallulah Bankhead.

 

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?”

 

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.

 

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

 

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

 

DULL & INTERESTING

 

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

When you can do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

- George Washington Carver.

 

Cute and interesting are two entirely different things.

 

There is always a law against doing anything interesting.

 

Seriousness is the very next step to being dull.

 

DUTY

 

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.

- Douglas Adams.

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011