The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations B

 

 

BABIES & CHILDREN

 

I like children - fried.

- W.C. Fields.

 

All babies look like homicidal poached eggs.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

A soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty.

- Mark Twain.

 

The baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.

- Robert Robbins.

 

Announcement from the proud parents of a baby daughter: ‘We have skirted the issue.’

- Earl Wilson.

 

When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom!

- Laurie Anderson.

 

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

- Steven Wright.

 

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’.

- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts.

 

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

I was caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.

- Steven Wright.

 

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

- Woody Allen.

 

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

- Dave Barry.

 

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

- Dave Barry.

 

When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them. They show us the state of our decay.

- Brian Aldiss.

 

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?

- Warren Hutcherson.

 

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.

- Mell Lazarus.

 

Go back to reform school, you little nose-picker.

- W.C. Fields.

 

We are given children to test us and make us more spiritual.

- George F. Will.

 

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.

- Joseph Heller, Something Happened.

 

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.

- Sigmund Freud.

 

How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.

- Lewis B. Frumkes.

 

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

- Emo Philips.

 

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

- Jim Bishop.

 

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

- Kin Hubbard.

 

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it's much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

- Phyllis Diller.

 

Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble.

- Martin Mull.

 

Notice in window of Hampstead bookseller: ‘Children of Progressive Parents admitted only on leads.’

 

On a 4-year old’s T-shirt: “All daddy wanted was a blow job.”

 

My girlfriend just found out she’s been taking aspirins instead of the pill. Well, at least she doesn’t have a headache - but I do.

 

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.  There I was.....

surrounded by trees and bushes.

 

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

 

Raising kids is like trying to herd cats.

 

A  three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she  replied.

 

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

- Bumper sticker, London.

 

Television has changed the American child from in irresistible force into an immovable object.

 

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I’ll put shoes on my dog.

 

Condoms are easier to change than diapers.

 

Sign on baby’s bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

 

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

 

We hired you to baby sit. You cooked and ate them both??

 

Party - my crib - two a.m.

- On a baby-size shirt.

 

STANLEY BALDWIN

Prime Minister of Great Britain, 1923-1929, 1935-1937 (Conservative Party)

 

I think Baldwin has gone mad. He simply takes one jump in the dark, looks around, and then takes another.

- Lord Birkenhead.

 

Decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent.

- Winston Churchill.

 

He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened.

- Winston Churchill.

 

One could not dignify him with the name of stuffed shirt. He was simply a hole in the air.

- George Orwell.

 

BATHS

 

I believe I will dip my pink-and-white body in yon Roman tub. I feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day.

- W.C. Fields

 

Some people shave before bathing,

And about people who bathe before shaving they are scathing,

Whilst those who bathe before shaving,

Well, they imply that those who shave before bathing are misbehaving.

- Ogden Nash.

 

BEAUTY & LOOKS

 

I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains.

- Anne Frank.

 

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

- Dave Barry.

 

What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Palaeolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.

- Dave Barry.

 

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

- Jean Kerr.

 

Beauty is only skin deep; ugly goes all the way to the bone.

- Dorothy Parker.

 

If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around.

- Cybil Shepard.

 

In beauty faults conspicuous grow;

The smallest speck is seen on snow.

- John Gay.

 

She wore a tight skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

- Woody Allen.

 

The face was drawn, the eyes haggard, the general appearance that of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas pipe with a lighted candle.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

- Benny Hill.

 

She has eyes that men adore so,

And a torso even more so.

- E.Y. Harburg.

 

I always say beauty is only sin deep.

- Saki.

 

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

- Les Dawson.

 

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain.

 

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

Beauty is only a light switch away.

 

No wonder you always go home alone!

- Written on mirror in ladies rest room.

 

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 

BED

 

There is not a single proverb in favour of early rising that appeals to the higher nature of man.

- Robert Lynd.

 

No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.

- Robert Lynd.

 

Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a coloured pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.

- G.K.Chesterton.

 

BELIEF

 

To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on the alert is to live; to be lulled into security is to die.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Do not let yourself be deceived: great intellects are sceptical.

- Friedrich Nietzche.

 

Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.

- H. L. Mencken.

 

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.

- Laurens van der Post.

 

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark.

-Dick Gregory.

 

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.

- Claud Cockburn.

 

For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

- Richard Clopton.

 

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

 

BLONDES

 

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - and I'm also not blonde.

- Dolly Parton.

 

What does a blonde say after sex?
So, are you all on the same team?
 
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
Rebel without a clue.
 
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
 
What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
The back of her head.
 
How do you light up a blonde’s eyes?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
 

Blonde’s mating call: “I’m sooooo drunk. [Giggle]

 

What’s the difference between a blonde and a man?

A blonde has a higher sperm count.

 

The blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station. She told the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburettor.”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

 

BODY, THE

 

Scars are tattoos with better stories.

- From a Toyota advertisement.

 

This is not a beer belly. It’s a fuel tank for a sex machine.

 

I'm not fat! - just gravitationally challenged.

 

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells stay forever.

 

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

 

Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

 

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 

A nice Ass should be seen and not heard.

 

If god had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

 

I’ve got a perfect body, but it’s in the trunk and starting to smell.

 

BOLDNESS & CONFIDENCE

 

Moderation is a fatal thing; nothing succeeds like excess.

- Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance.

 

He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.

- Jonathan Swift.

 

Do not hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly.

- Theodore Roosevelt.

 

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do," retorted Holmes, "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."

 

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

 

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

 

BOOKS & LITERATURE

 

Many modern novels have a beginning, a muddle, and an end.

- Philip Larkin.

 

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

- Logan Pearsall Smith.

 

His book hit the world with all the impact of a feather falling on a piece of damp blotting paper.

- Patrick Moore.

 

His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.

- Hilaire Belloc.

 

When I think of all the harm the Bible has done, I despair of ever writing anything to equal it.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

A man with his belly full of the classics is an enemy of the human race.

- Henry Miller.

 

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

- Oscar Levant.

 

Oscar and George Bernard

Cannot be reconciled.

When I’m Wilde about Shaw

I’m not Shaw about Wilde.

- Freddie Oliver.

 

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
”Duh.”
- Conan O'Brien.

 

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

- W. Somerset Maugham.

 

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

- Bob Monkhouse.

 

Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators.
- Olin Miller.

 

The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yogurt.
- John Mortimer.

 

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.
- Nancy Banks Smith.

 

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?

- Steven Spielberg.

 

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

- Jim Loy

 

Tolkien is hobbit forming.

 

The multitude of books is making us ignorant.

 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

“Sunday Service” by Neile Downe

“Weekend Breaks” by Gladys Friday

“Modern Diapers” by Dee Sposabel

“Continental Breakfasts” by Roland Butter

“Corrective Vision” by Seymour Clearly

“Cat’s Revenge” by Claude Balls

“Rusty Bedsprings” by I.P. Nightly

“Register Your Invention” by Pat Tent

“Unemployed” by Anita Job

“The Burglar” by Robin Banks

“Getting Ready For Your Vacation” by Anita Break

“Roe vs. Wade” by Anna Borshun

“The Yellow River” by I.P. Freely

“Dash To The Outhouse" by Willie Makit with illustrations by Betty Don’t

“No Appetite” by Anna Rexia

“Karate Handbook” by Marsha Larts

“All Alone” by Saul. E. Terry

“Animal Illnesses” by Anne Thrax

“At The Last Minute” by Justin Thyme

“Reckless Speeding” by Helen Wheels

 

World’s Thinnest Books:

 

FRENCH WAR HEROES

by Jacques Chirac.


MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson.

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda. Illustrated by Michael Moore.


MY BEAUTY SECRETS - UNVEILED AT LAST!

by Janet Reno.

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE

by John Denver.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton.

 

OUR SEX LIFE SINCE JENNIFER FLOWERS

By Hillary Clinton.

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates.

MY WILD YEARS

by Al Gore.

A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian.

 

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson.

 

STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED

by Elizabeth Taylor.


101 DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES

by The Sierra Club.

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson.

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy.

 

MINISTERS DO MORE THAN LAY PEOPLE.

By Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert

 

NIGHT FLYING

by JFK, Jr.

 

ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC

by White Star Lines

 

HOW TO WIN THE PRESIDENCY WITH A LANDSLIDE
by George W. Bush.

 

THE UNSHAKABLE PRINCIPLES I LIVE BY

By Bill Clinton.

WHY MONOPOLIES ARE BAD
by Bill Gates.

WHY I LIKE DIFFERENT CULTURES
by Adolph Hitler.

ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Boy George.

 

MUSLIMS WHO DO NOT WANT ME DEAD

By Salman Rushdie.

 

THE BIG MUSLIM BOOK OF BACON RECIPES

 

HINDU BEEF RECIPES

 

THE FAT, LARD AND OIL DIET

 

A GUIDE TO ARAB DEMOCRACIES

 

QUANTUM PHYSICS FOR ABSOLUTE MORONS

 

THE COMIC GENIUS OF AL GORE

 

THE CHINESE BOOK OF HUMAN RIGHTS

 

HOUSEHOLD USES FOR PLUTONIUM 235

 

DEEP SOUTH GENETIC VARIATION

 

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

 

THE GENTLE, CARING SIDE OF JOSEF STALIN

 

FULFILLED CAMPAIGN PROMISES 479BC - 2007AD

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

 

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

 

EXCITING THINGS TO DO IN BOGNOR REGIS

 

UNITED STATES FOREIGN POLICY SUCCESSES

 

GHENGIS KHAN AND THE MONGOLS: A FEMINIST PERSPECTIVE

 

FAMOUS JAZZ BAGPIPERS

 

BANJO SONATAS

 

THE TOTAL VOCABULARY OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

 

GHANDI'S INFLUENCE ON JEFFREY DAHMER

 

FRENCH HOSPITALITY

 

SYLVESTER STALLONE'S DRAMATIC ACTING TIPS

 

THE SOUTH AFRICAN RACE RELATIONS MANUAL

 

ITALIAN NAVAL VICTORIES

 

OBESITY IN ETHIOPIA

 

DEEP THINKING LIBERALS

 

HETEROSEXUAL HANGOUTS IN KEY WEST

 

BIOGRAPHIES OF HAPPY WOMEN

 

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

 

BLIND DATES THAT WORKED OUT

 

GAY MEN NAMED SPIKE

 

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR HISTORY MAJORS

A MILLENNIUM OF GERMAN HUMOUR

THE UNITED NATIONS MANUAL OF POSITIVE DECISION MAKING

 

BORES & BOREDOM

 

He is an old bore; even the grave yawns for him.

- H. Beerbohm Tree (of Israel Zangwill).

 

A bore is a fellow talking who can change the subject back to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.

- Lawrence J. Peter.

 

Coming away from dinner at a house noted for its dullness, Dumas pére was asked by someone if he had not been dreadfully bored. “I should have been,” he replied, “if I hadn’t been there.”

- E.V. Lucas.

 

If you were searching for a word to describe the conversations that go on down a coal mine, boring would spring to your lips. Oh, God! They’re very boring. If you ever want to hear things like: ‘Hello, I’ve found a bit of coal.’ ‘Have you really?’ ‘Yes, no doubt about it, this black substance is coal all right.’ ‘Jolly good, the very thing we’re looking for.’ It’s not enough to keep the mind alive, is it?

- Peter Cook.

 

He is not only a bore, but he bores for England.

- Malcolm Muggeridge, of Sir Anthony Eden.

 

Boredom flourishes too, when you feel safe. It's a symptom of security.

- Eugene Ionesco.

 

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

- Dorothy Parker.

 

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

- Lenny Bruce.

 

Plato was a bore.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.

 

Bore: A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

- Gian Vincenzo Gravina.

 

A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.

- Henry Ford.

 

Mrs. Allonby:….you should certainly know Ernest, Lady Stutfield. It is only fair to tell you beforehand he has got no conversation at all.

Lady Stutfield: I adore silent men.

Mrs Allonby: Oh, Ernest isn’t silent. He talks the whole time. But he has got no conversation.

- Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance.

 

...it is at its most interesting point in ten years, if you consider watching pitch flow interesting.

- Dr Michael Harvey of Oxford  University, on an experiment set up in 1927 to monitor the viscosity of pitch (a derivative of tar) at room temperature. A glass funnel containing the pitch was suspended over a container and scientists waited with baited breath. The experiment is still going strong more than 70 years later. During that period only SEVEN drops have been recorded - in 1938, 1947, 1954, 1962, 1970, 1979 and 1988. The eighth drop - which is about to drop - should be captured on the Internet as the scientists have set up a live round-the-clock web-cam.

 

Our Billy’s talk is just like bottled stout,

You draw the cork and only froth comes out.

 

I’m tired of being bored. I think I’ll make a lateral move to self-pity.

 

Hi! I’m bored, heavily armed, and have a Bible.

 

Heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication.

 

BRAVERY

 

Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

- Gen. David Hackworth.

 

The important thing when you are going to do something brave is to have someone on hand to witness it.

- Michael Howard.

 

A timid person is frightened before danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterwards.

- Jean Paul Richter.

 

The nation had the lion’s heart. I had the luck to give the roar.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.

- John Wayne.

 

One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

 

BREVITY

 

If you can't write your idea on the back of my calling card, you don't have a clear idea.

- David Belasco.

 

BUREAUCRACY

 

Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.

 

BUSINESS

 

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.

- Bill Gates, Business @ the Speed of Thought.

 

Any business arrangement that is not profitable to the other person will in the end prove unprofitable for you. The bargain that yields mutual satisfaction is the only one that is apt to be repeated.

- B.C. Forbes.

 

Business is the art of extracting money from another man's pocket without resorting to violence.

- Max Amsterdam.

 

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

- Dave Barry.

 

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

- Dave Barry.

 

Office Hours: 2 to 2:15 every other Wednesday.

- George Kaufman.

 

High ethical standards bring about efficient business methods.

- Watts.

 

Any organisation is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top.

- John Imhoff.

 

We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.

- Keith Davis.

 

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

- Charles Lamb.

 

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved & never will achieve, its full potential that word would be "meetings."

 

The Free Market is why American flags are made in China instead of Singapore.

 

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This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011