children - fried.
babies look like homicidal poached eggs.
soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously
regarded as a thing of beauty.
baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.
Announcement from the proud parents of a baby daughter: ‘We have
skirted the issue.’
love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone,
there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always
Mom. Hi, Mom!
was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child... eventually.
kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you
Handey, Deep Thoughts.
fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave
a house, I go out through the window.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and
she'd come in and sink my boats.
were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment
suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an
enormous drool gland.
look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter
society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread
children, even if we love them. They show us the state of our
Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall
people burn slower?
secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its
back to reform school, you little nose-picker.
given children to test us and make us more spiritual.
George F. Will.
grow up I want to be a little boy.
Joseph Heller, Something Happened.
distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence
of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.
Lewis B. Frumkes.
to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children
jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They
don't know I'm only using blanks.
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like
handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on
a toy train.
Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it's much
more difficult to get out of the carpet.
underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble.
in window of Hampstead bookseller: ‘Children of Progressive
Parents admitted only on leads.’
4-year old’s T-shirt: “All daddy wanted was a blow job.”
girlfriend just found out she’s been taking aspirins instead of
the pill. Well, at least she doesn’t have a headache - but I do.
first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong
nursery. There I was.....
surrounded by trees and bushes.
kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
Raising kids is like trying to herd cats.
three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
never too late to have a happy childhood.
Bumper sticker, London.
Television has changed the American child from in irresistible
force into an immovable object.
want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I’ll put shoes on
Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
on baby’s bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
hired you to baby sit. You cooked and ate them both??
- my crib - two a.m.
- On a
Minister of Great Britain, 1923-1929, 1935-1937 (Conservative
think Baldwin has gone mad. He simply takes one jump in the
dark, looks around, and then takes another.
Decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant
for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent.
occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself
up and hurried on as if nothing had happened.
could not dignify him with the name of stuffed shirt. He was
simply a hole in the air.
believe I will dip my pink-and-white body in yon Roman tub. I
feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day.
people shave before bathing,
about people who bathe before shaving they are scathing,
those who bathe before shaving,
they imply that those who shave before bathing are misbehaving.
BEAUTY & LOOKS
don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that
simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when
they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like
want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach
muscles? I grew up in an era (the Palaeolithic) when people kept
their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.
tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep.
That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
is only skin deep; ugly goes all the way to the bone.
you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing
anything but standing around.
beauty faults conspicuous grow;
smallest speck is seen on snow.
She wore a tight skirt
and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas
that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- Woody Allen.
face was drawn, the eyes haggard, the general appearance that of
one who has searched for the leak in life's gas pipe with a
hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
has eyes that men adore so,
torso even more so.
always say beauty is only sin deep.
my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one
of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're
week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to
withdraw that statement.
x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
is in the eye of the beer holder.
is only a light switch away.
wonder you always go home alone!
Written on mirror in ladies rest room.
look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
is not a single proverb in favour of early rising that appeals
to the higher nature of man.
human being believes that any other human being has a right to
be in bed when he himself is up.
in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if
only one had a coloured pencil long enough to draw on the
believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on
the alert is to live; to be lulled into security is to die.
let yourself be deceived: great intellects are sceptical.
become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to
believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the
palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are
convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
Laurens van der Post.
never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would
come into my neighbourhood after dark.
believe anything until it has been officially denied.
every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb - and I'm also not blonde.
What does a blonde say after sex?
So, are you all on the same team?
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
Rebel without a clue.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
The back of her head.
How do you light up a blonde’s eyes?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Blonde’s mating call: “I’m sooooo drunk. [Giggle]
the difference between a blonde and a man?
blonde has a higher sperm count.
blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station. She told the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
says, “What’s the story?”
replies, “Just crap in the carburettor.”
asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
are tattoos with better stories.
a Toyota advertisement.
is not a beer belly. It’s a fuel tank for a sex machine.
not fat! - just gravitationally challenged.
cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells stay forever.
ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Ass should be seen and not heard.
had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
got a perfect body, but it’s in the trunk and starting to smell.
BOLDNESS & CONFIDENCE
Moderation is a fatal thing; nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance.
a bold man that first ate an oyster.
hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly.
have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something.
Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the
shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should
think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do,"
retorted Holmes, "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
BOOKS & LITERATURE
Many modern novels have
a beginning, a muddle, and an end.
- Philip Larkin.
say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Logan Pearsall Smith.
book hit the world with all the impact of a feather falling on a
piece of damp blotting paper.
sins were scarlet, but his books were read.
think of all the harm the Bible has done, I despair of ever
writing anything to equal it.
with his belly full of the classics is an enemy of the human
given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
and George Bernard
I’m Wilde about Shaw
not Shaw about Wilde.
study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
- Conan O'Brien.
are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows
what they are.
last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer
novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the
possible exception of wrestling alligators.
- Olin Miller.
shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between
the milk and the yogurt.
- John Mortimer.
Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.
- Nancy Banks Smith.
pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a
trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling
Tolkien is hobbit forming.
multitude of books is making us ignorant.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
“Sunday Service” by Neile Downe
“Weekend Breaks” by Gladys Friday
“Modern Diapers” by Dee Sposabel
“Continental Breakfasts” by Roland Butter
“Corrective Vision” by Seymour Clearly
Revenge” by Claude Balls
Bedsprings” by I.P. Nightly
“Register Your Invention” by Pat Tent
“Unemployed” by Anita Job
Burglar” by Robin Banks
“Getting Ready For Your Vacation” by Anita Break
vs. Wade” by Anna Borshun
Yellow River” by I.P. Freely
To The Outhouse" by Willie Makit with illustrations by Betty
Appetite” by Anna Rexia
“Karate Handbook” by Marsha Larts
Alone” by Saul. E. Terry
“Animal Illnesses” by Anne Thrax
The Last Minute” by Justin Thyme
“Reckless Speeding” by Helen Wheels
World’s Thinnest Books:
MY BOOK OF MORALS
Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson.
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
Jane Fonda. Illustrated by Michael Moore.
MY BEAUTY SECRETS - UNVEILED AT LAST!
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
SEX LIFE SINCE JENNIFER FLOWERS
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates.
MY WILD YEARS
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED
101 DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy.
MINISTERS DO MORE THAN LAY PEOPLE.
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert
ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC
White Star Lines
WIN THE PRESIDENCY WITH A LANDSLIDE
by George W. Bush.
UNSHAKABLE PRINCIPLES I LIVE BY
WHY MONOPOLIES ARE BAD
by Bill Gates.
WHY I LIKE DIFFERENT CULTURES
by Adolph Hitler.
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Boy George.
MUSLIMS WHO DO NOT WANT ME DEAD
BIG MUSLIM BOOK OF BACON RECIPES
FAT, LARD AND OIL DIET
GUIDE TO ARAB DEMOCRACIES
QUANTUM PHYSICS FOR ABSOLUTE MORONS
COMIC GENIUS OF AL GORE
CHINESE BOOK OF HUMAN RIGHTS
HOUSEHOLD USES FOR PLUTONIUM 235
SOUTH GENETIC VARIATION
EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
GENTLE, CARING SIDE OF JOSEF STALIN
FULFILLED CAMPAIGN PROMISES 479BC - 2007AD
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
EXCITING THINGS TO DO IN BOGNOR REGIS
STATES FOREIGN POLICY SUCCESSES
GHENGIS KHAN AND THE MONGOLS: A FEMINIST PERSPECTIVE
TOTAL VOCABULARY OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
GHANDI'S INFLUENCE ON JEFFREY DAHMER
SYLVESTER STALLONE'S DRAMATIC ACTING TIPS
SOUTH AFRICAN RACE RELATIONS MANUAL
ITALIAN NAVAL VICTORIES
OBESITY IN ETHIOPIA
HETEROSEXUAL HANGOUTS IN KEY WEST
BIOGRAPHIES OF HAPPY WOMEN
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
DATES THAT WORKED OUT
MEN NAMED SPIKE
OPPORTUNITIES FOR HISTORY MAJORS
A MILLENNIUM OF GERMAN HUMOUR
THE UNITED NATIONS MANUAL OF POSITIVE DECISION MAKING
BORES & BOREDOM
an old bore; even the grave yawns for him.
Beerbohm Tree (of Israel Zangwill).
is a fellow talking who can change the subject back to his topic
of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.
Lawrence J. Peter.
away from dinner at a house noted for its dullness, Dumas pére
was asked by someone if he had not been dreadfully bored. “I
should have been,” he replied, “if I hadn’t been there.”
were searching for a word to describe the conversations that go
on down a coal mine, boring would spring to your lips. Oh, God!
They’re very boring. If you ever want to hear things like:
‘Hello, I’ve found a bit of coal.’ ‘Have you really?’ ‘Yes, no
doubt about it, this black substance is coal all right.’ ‘Jolly
good, the very thing we’re looking for.’ It’s not enough to keep
the mind alive, is it?
not only a bore, but he bores for England.
Malcolm Muggeridge, of Sir Anthony Eden.
Boredom flourishes too, when you feel safe. It's a symptom of
cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
there's nothing else to do.
was a bore.
A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with
is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
Allonby:….you should certainly know Ernest, Lady Stutfield. It
is only fair to tell you beforehand he has got no conversation
Stutfield: I adore silent men.
Allonby: Oh, Ernest isn’t silent. He talks the whole time. But
he has got no conversation.
Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance.
is at its most interesting point in ten years, if you consider
watching pitch flow interesting.
Michael Harvey of Oxford University, on an experiment set up in
1927 to monitor the viscosity of pitch (a derivative of tar) at
room temperature. A glass funnel containing the pitch was
suspended over a container and scientists waited with baited
breath. The experiment is still going strong more than 70 years
later. During that period only SEVEN drops have been recorded -
in 1938, 1947, 1954, 1962, 1970, 1979 and 1988. The eighth drop
- which is about to drop - should be captured on the Internet as
the scientists have set up a live round-the-clock web-cam.
Billy’s talk is just like bottled stout,
draw the cork and only froth comes out.
tired of being bored. I think I’ll make a lateral move to
I’m bored, heavily armed, and have a Bible.
Heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
The important thing when
you are going to do something brave is to have someone on hand
to witness it.
- Michael Howard.
timid person is frightened before danger, a coward during the
time, and a courageous person afterwards.
nation had the lion’s heart. I had the luck to give the roar.
Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.
who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
can't write your idea on the back of my calling card, you don't
have a clear idea.
sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from
most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
Gates, Business @ the Speed of Thought.
business arrangement that is not profitable to the other person
will in the end prove unprofitable for you. The bargain that
yields mutual satisfaction is the only one that is apt to be
Business is the art of extracting money from another man's
pocket without resorting to violence.
had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in
only because they cannot actually masturbate.
Hours: 2 to 2:15 every other Wednesday.
ethical standards bring about efficient business methods.
organisation is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise
to the top.
didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell
short of our expenditure.
always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by
had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved & never will achieve, its full potential that word
would be "meetings."
Free Market is why American flags are made in China instead of