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BABIES
& CHILDREN
I like
children - fried.
- W.C.
Fields.
All
babies look like homicidal poached eggs.
- P.G.
Wodehouse.
A
soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously
regarded as a thing of beauty.
- Mark
Twain.
The
baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.
-
Robert Robbins.
Announcement from the proud parents of a baby daughter: ‘We have
skirted the issue.’
- Earl
Wilson.
When
love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone,
there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always
Mom. Hi, Mom!
-
Laurie Anderson.
When I
was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child... eventually.
-
Steven Wright.
If a
kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you
did’.
- Jack
Handey, Deep Thoughts.
The
fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
-
Ambrose Bierce.
I was
caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave
a house, I go out through the window.
-
Steven Wright.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and
she'd come in and sink my boats.
-
Woody Allen.
If you
were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment
suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an
enormous drool gland.
- Dave
Barry.
What I
look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
- Dave
Barry.
When
childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter
society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread
children, even if we love them. They show us the state of our
decay.
-
Brian Aldiss.
Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall
people burn slower?
-
Warren Hutcherson.
The
secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its
parent.
- Mell
Lazarus.
Go
back to reform school, you little nose-picker.
- W.C.
Fields.
We are
given children to test us and make us more spiritual.
-
George F. Will.
When I
grow up I want to be a little boy.
-
Joseph Heller, Something Happened.
What a
distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence
of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
-
Sigmund Freud.
How to
Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.
-
Lewis B. Frumkes.
I love
to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children
jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They
don't know I'm only using blanks.
- Emo
Philips.
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like
handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
- Jim
Bishop.
The
worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on
a toy train.
- Kin
Hubbard.
Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it's much
more difficult to get out of the carpet.
-
Phyllis Diller.
Never
underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble.
-
Martin Mull.
Notice
in window of Hampstead bookseller: ‘Children of Progressive
Parents admitted only on leads.’
On a
4-year old’s T-shirt: “All daddy wanted was a blow job.”
My
girlfriend just found out she’s been taking aspirins instead of
the pill. Well, at least she doesn’t have a headache - but I do.
On my
first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong
nursery. There I was.....
surrounded by trees and bushes.
I like
kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
Raising kids is like trying to herd cats.
A
three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
It's
never too late to have a happy childhood.
-
Bumper sticker, London.
Television has changed the American child from in irresistible
force into an immovable object.
If I
want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I’ll put shoes on
my dog.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
Sign
on baby’s bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Who
are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
We
hired you to baby sit. You cooked and ate them both??
Party
- my crib - two a.m.
- On a
baby-size shirt.
STANLEY BALDWIN
Prime
Minister of Great Britain, 1923-1929, 1935-1937 (Conservative
Party)
I
think Baldwin has gone mad. He simply takes one jump in the
dark, looks around, and then takes another.
- Lord
Birkenhead.
Decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant
for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent.
-
Winston Churchill.
He
occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself
up and hurried on as if nothing had happened.
-
Winston Churchill.
One
could not dignify him with the name of stuffed shirt. He was
simply a hole in the air.
-
George Orwell.
BATHS
I
believe I will dip my pink-and-white body in yon Roman tub. I
feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day.
- W.C.
Fields
Some
people shave before bathing,
And
about people who bathe before shaving they are scathing,
Whilst
those who bathe before shaving,
Well,
they imply that those who shave before bathing are misbehaving.
-
Ogden Nash.
BEAUTY & LOOKS
I
don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that
remains.
- Anne
Frank.
The
simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when
they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like
giant thumbs.
- Dave
Barry.
What I
want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach
muscles? I grew up in an era (the Palaeolithic) when people kept
their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.
- Dave
Barry.
I'm
tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep.
That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
- Jean
Kerr.
Beauty
is only skin deep; ugly goes all the way to the bone.
-
Dorothy Parker.
If
you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing
anything but standing around.
-
Cybil Shepard.
In
beauty faults conspicuous grow;
The
smallest speck is seen on snow.
- John
Gay.
She wore a tight skirt
and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas
that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- Woody Allen.
The
face was drawn, the eyes haggard, the general appearance that of
one who has searched for the leak in life's gas pipe with a
lighted candle.
- P.G.
Wodehouse.
Those
hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
-
Benny Hill.
She
has eyes that men adore so,
And a
torso even more so.
- E.Y.
Harburg.
I
always say beauty is only sin deep.
-
Saki.
I took
my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one
of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're
stock-taking'
- Les
Dawson.
Last
week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to
withdraw that statement.
- Mark
Twain.
Brains
x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
Beauty
is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty
is only a light switch away.
No
wonder you always go home alone!
-
Written on mirror in ladies rest room.
If you
look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
BED
There
is not a single proverb in favour of early rising that appeals
to the higher nature of man.
-
Robert Lynd.
No
human being believes that any other human being has a right to
be in bed when he himself is up.
-
Robert Lynd.
Lying
in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if
only one had a coloured pencil long enough to draw on the
ceiling.
-
G.K.Chesterton.
BELIEF
To
believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on
the alert is to live; to be lulled into security is to die.
-
Oscar Wilde.
Do not
let yourself be deceived: great intellects are sceptical.
-
Friedrich Nietzche.
Men
become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to
believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
- H.
L. Mencken.
The
most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the
palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
- H.L.
Mencken.
Human
beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are
convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
-
Laurens van der Post.
I
never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would
come into my neighbourhood after dark.
-Dick
Gregory.
Never
believe anything until it has been officially denied.
-
Claud Cockburn.
For
every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-
Richard Clopton.
They
told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
BLONDES
I'm
not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb - and I'm also not blonde.
-
Dolly Parton.
What does a blonde say after sex?
So, are you all on the same team?
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
Rebel without a clue.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
The back of her head.
How do you light up a blonde’s eyes?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Blonde’s mating call: “I’m sooooo drunk. [Giggle]
What’s
the difference between a blonde and a man?
A
blonde has a higher sperm count.
The
blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station. She told the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
She
says, “What’s the story?”
He
replies, “Just crap in the carburettor.”
She
asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
BODY, THE
Scars
are tattoos with better stories.
- From
a Toyota advertisement.
This
is not a beer belly. It’s a fuel tank for a sex machine.
I'm
not fat! - just gravitationally challenged.
Brain
cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells stay forever.
It
ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Lord,
if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
I have
flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
A nice
Ass should be seen and not heard.
If god
had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
I’ve
got a perfect body, but it’s in the trunk and starting to smell.
BOLDNESS & CONFIDENCE
Moderation is a fatal thing; nothing succeeds like excess.
-
Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance.
He was
a bold man that first ate an oyster.
-
Jonathan Swift.
Do not
hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly.
-
Theodore Roosevelt.
You
have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something.
-
Winston Churchill.
Oliver
Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the
shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should
think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do,"
retorted Holmes, "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
My
inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
BOOKS & LITERATURE
Many modern novels have
a beginning, a muddle, and an end.
- Philip Larkin.
People
say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
-
Logan Pearsall Smith.
His
book hit the world with all the impact of a feather falling on a
piece of damp blotting paper.
-
Patrick Moore.
His
sins were scarlet, but his books were read.
-
Hilaire Belloc.
When I
think of all the harm the Bible has done, I despair of ever
writing anything to equal it.
-
Oscar Wilde.
A man
with his belly full of the classics is an enemy of the human
race.
-
Henry Miller.
I have
given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
-
Oscar Levant.
Oscar
and George Bernard
Cannot
be reconciled.
When
I’m Wilde about Shaw
I’m
not Shaw about Wilde.
-
Freddie Oliver.
A
study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study:
”Duh.”
- Conan O'Brien.
There
are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows
what they are.
- W.
Somerset Maugham.
The
last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer
novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
- Bob
Monkhouse.
Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the
possible exception of wrestling alligators.
- Olin Miller.
The
shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between
the milk and the yogurt.
- John Mortimer.
Agatha
Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.
- Nancy Banks Smith.
Why
pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a
bookmark?
-
Steven Spielberg.
I'm
trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling
asleep.
- Jim
Loy
Tolkien is hobbit forming.
The
multitude of books is making us ignorant.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
“Sunday Service” by Neile Downe
“Weekend Breaks” by Gladys Friday
“Modern Diapers” by Dee Sposabel
“Continental Breakfasts” by Roland Butter
“Corrective Vision” by Seymour Clearly
“Cat’s
Revenge” by Claude Balls
“Rusty
Bedsprings” by I.P. Nightly
“Register Your Invention” by Pat Tent
“Unemployed” by Anita Job
“The
Burglar” by Robin Banks
“Getting Ready For Your Vacation” by Anita Break
“Roe
vs. Wade” by Anna Borshun
“The
Yellow River” by I.P. Freely
“Dash
To The Outhouse" by Willie Makit with illustrations by Betty
Don’t
“No
Appetite” by Anna Rexia
“Karate Handbook” by Marsha Larts
“All
Alone” by Saul. E. Terry
“Animal Illnesses” by Anne Thrax
“At
The Last Minute” by Justin Thyme
“Reckless Speeding” by Helen Wheels
World’s Thinnest Books:
FRENCH
WAR HEROES
by
Jacques Chirac.
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by
Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson.
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by
Jane Fonda. Illustrated by Michael Moore.
MY BEAUTY SECRETS - UNVEILED AT LAST!
by
Janet Reno.
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by
John Denver.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by
Hillary Clinton.
OUR
SEX LIFE SINCE JENNIFER FLOWERS
By
Hillary Clinton.
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates.
MY WILD YEARS
by Al
Gore.
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr.
J. Kevorkian.
MY
LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by
Mike Tyson.
STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED
by
Elizabeth Taylor.
101 DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by The
Sierra Club.
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.
J. Simpson.
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy.
MINISTERS DO MORE THAN LAY PEOPLE.
By
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert
NIGHT
FLYING
by
JFK, Jr.
ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC
by
White Star Lines
HOW TO
WIN THE PRESIDENCY WITH A LANDSLIDE
by George W. Bush.
THE
UNSHAKABLE PRINCIPLES I LIVE BY
By
Bill Clinton.
WHY MONOPOLIES ARE BAD
by Bill Gates.
WHY I LIKE DIFFERENT CULTURES
by Adolph Hitler.
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Boy George.
MUSLIMS WHO DO NOT WANT ME DEAD
By
Salman Rushdie.
THE
BIG MUSLIM BOOK OF BACON RECIPES
HINDU
BEEF RECIPES
THE
FAT, LARD AND OIL DIET
A
GUIDE TO ARAB DEMOCRACIES
QUANTUM PHYSICS FOR ABSOLUTE MORONS
THE
COMIC GENIUS OF AL GORE
THE
CHINESE BOOK OF HUMAN RIGHTS
HOUSEHOLD USES FOR PLUTONIUM 235
DEEP
SOUTH GENETIC VARIATION
AMELIA
EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
THE
GENTLE, CARING SIDE OF JOSEF STALIN
FULFILLED CAMPAIGN PROMISES 479BC - 2007AD
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
THE
AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
EXCITING THINGS TO DO IN BOGNOR REGIS
UNITED
STATES FOREIGN POLICY SUCCESSES
GHENGIS KHAN AND THE MONGOLS: A FEMINIST PERSPECTIVE
FAMOUS
JAZZ BAGPIPERS
BANJO
SONATAS
THE
TOTAL VOCABULARY OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
GHANDI'S INFLUENCE ON JEFFREY DAHMER
FRENCH
HOSPITALITY
SYLVESTER STALLONE'S DRAMATIC ACTING TIPS
THE
SOUTH AFRICAN RACE RELATIONS MANUAL
ITALIAN NAVAL VICTORIES
OBESITY IN ETHIOPIA
DEEP
THINKING LIBERALS
HETEROSEXUAL HANGOUTS IN KEY WEST
BIOGRAPHIES OF HAPPY WOMEN
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
BLIND
DATES THAT WORKED OUT
GAY
MEN NAMED SPIKE
CAREER
OPPORTUNITIES FOR HISTORY MAJORS
A MILLENNIUM OF GERMAN HUMOUR
THE UNITED NATIONS MANUAL OF POSITIVE DECISION MAKING
BORES & BOREDOM
He is
an old bore; even the grave yawns for him.
- H.
Beerbohm Tree (of Israel Zangwill).
A bore
is a fellow talking who can change the subject back to his topic
of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.
-
Lawrence J. Peter.
Coming
away from dinner at a house noted for its dullness, Dumas pére
was asked by someone if he had not been dreadfully bored. “I
should have been,” he replied, “if I hadn’t been there.”
- E.V.
Lucas.
If you
were searching for a word to describe the conversations that go
on down a coal mine, boring would spring to your lips. Oh, God!
They’re very boring. If you ever want to hear things like:
‘Hello, I’ve found a bit of coal.’ ‘Have you really?’ ‘Yes, no
doubt about it, this black substance is coal all right.’ ‘Jolly
good, the very thing we’re looking for.’ It’s not enough to keep
the mind alive, is it?
-
Peter Cook.
He is
not only a bore, but he bores for England.
-
Malcolm Muggeridge, of Sir Anthony Eden.
Boredom flourishes too, when you feel safe. It's a symptom of
security.
-
Eugene Ionesco.
The
cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
-
Dorothy Parker.
I hate
small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
there's nothing else to do.
-
Lenny Bruce.
Plato
was a bore.
-
Friedrich Nietzsche.
Bore:
A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with
company.
- Gian
Vincenzo Gravina.
A bore
is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
-
Henry Ford.
Mrs.
Allonby:….you should certainly know Ernest, Lady Stutfield. It
is only fair to tell you beforehand he has got no conversation
at all.
Lady
Stutfield: I adore silent men.
Mrs
Allonby: Oh, Ernest isn’t silent. He talks the whole time. But
he has got no conversation.
-
Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance.
...it
is at its most interesting point in ten years, if you consider
watching pitch flow interesting.
- Dr
Michael Harvey of Oxford University, on an experiment set up in
1927 to monitor the viscosity of pitch (a derivative of tar) at
room temperature. A glass funnel containing the pitch was
suspended over a container and scientists waited with baited
breath. The experiment is still going strong more than 70 years
later. During that period only SEVEN drops have been recorded -
in 1938, 1947, 1954, 1962, 1970, 1979 and 1988. The eighth drop
- which is about to drop - should be captured on the Internet as
the scientists have set up a live round-the-clock web-cam.
Our
Billy’s talk is just like bottled stout,
You
draw the cork and only froth comes out.
I’m
tired of being bored. I think I’ll make a lateral move to
self-pity.
Hi!
I’m bored, heavily armed, and have a Bible.
Heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication.
BRAVERY
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
- Gen.
David Hackworth.
The important thing when
you are going to do something brave is to have someone on hand
to witness it.
- Michael Howard.
A
timid person is frightened before danger, a coward during the
time, and a courageous person afterwards.
- Jean
Paul Richter.
The
nation had the lion’s heart. I had the luck to give the roar.
-
Winston Churchill.
Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.
- John
Wayne.
One
who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
BREVITY
If you
can't write your idea on the back of my calling card, you don't
have a clear idea.
-
David Belasco.
BUREAUCRACY
Any
sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from
molasses.
BUSINESS
Your
most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
- Bill
Gates, Business @ the Speed of Thought.
Any
business arrangement that is not profitable to the other person
will in the end prove unprofitable for you. The bargain that
yields mutual satisfaction is the only one that is apt to be
repeated.
- B.C.
Forbes.
Business is the art of extracting money from another man's
pocket without resorting to violence.
- Max
Amsterdam.
If you
had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
- Dave
Barry.
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in
only because they cannot actually masturbate.
- Dave
Barry.
Office
Hours: 2 to 2:15 every other Wednesday.
-
George Kaufman.
High
ethical standards bring about efficient business methods.
-
Watts.
Any
organisation is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise
to the top.
- John
Imhoff.
We
didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell
short of our expenditure.
-
Keith Davis.
I
always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by
leaving early.
-
Charles Lamb.
If you
had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved & never will achieve, its full potential that word
would be "meetings."
The
Free Market is why American flags are made in China instead of
Singapore.
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