From: "Jacana Enterprises" Bcc: "Wittstock, Jenny" , "Wilmot, Hazel \(SA\)" , "Wentink, Brian" , "Strugnell, Noel" , "Schleicher, Tom 2" , "Safaris Botswana Bound2" , "Roberts, Ken" , "Palmer, Terry & Mervyn" , "North, Tish" , "Myburgh, Joe" , "Myburg, Gert" , "Montjoie, Chester" , "Maun Rest Camp" , "Kempson, Jeffery" , "Jubber, Craig" , "Jourdan, Phil" , "Haywood, Amanda" , "Hardwick, Warren" , "Fella, John" , "Fallon, Sallie" , "Constantino, Jose" , "Chobe Photo Lab" , "Cantle, Nigel" , "Bullock, Mike" , "Bullock, Digby" , "Brits, Gert" , "Berg, Paul" , "African Horseback Safaris" , "Boyes, John - Kabul" Subject: jhl140607 Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2007 16:10:50 +0200 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/related; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0151_01C7B355.91C90190"; type="multipart/alternative" X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2900.3138 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.3138 This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0151_01C7B355.91C90190 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_001_0152_01C7B355.91C90190" ------=_NextPart_001_0152_01C7B355.91C90190 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable The Photographer (Thanx, GB) The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a = surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was = to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off = now. The man should be here soon." =20 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer = happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, = Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." =20 "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been = expecting you." =20 "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you = know babies are my specialty?" =20 "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a = seat". =20 After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" =20 "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the = couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room = floor is fun. You can really spread out there." =20 "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and = me!" =20 "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we = try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, = I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." =20 "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. =20 "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in = and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." =20 =20 "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. =20 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his = baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. =20 "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. =20 "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their = mother was so difficult to work with." =20 "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. =20 "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the = job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a = good look" =20 "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. =20 "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. = The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly = concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. = Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." =20 Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, = uh...equipment?" =20 "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod = and we can get to work right away." =20 "Tripod?" =20 "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much = too big to be held in the hand very long." =20 Mrs. Smith fainted. ~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~ Southern Hospitality Southerners can be so polite. Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land = eastbound on runway 9R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on = infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised." Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound = on runway 27L." Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's = runway 27L. Allah is Great. " Pause: Static.. Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC" Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?" Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!!!! WE COMING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ON A COLLISION COURSE. = INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE. Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful = now and tell Allah "hey" for us. ~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~ The Three Tortoises Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick = packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that = the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get = there.=20 When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.=20 "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"=20 "I didn't bring it" says Roy=20 "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you = bring the bottle opener?"=20 Naturally Andy didn't bring it.=20 So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and = Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat = all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their = tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. = So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he = still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a = promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a = promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a = sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from = behind a rock and shouts..... "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING! ~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~ You have WHAT stuck up?=20 from: http://www.agonys.com/facts/you_have_what_stuck.shtml Magazines, such as The Church Times, have been retrieved from the anus. = These were not found in the three people who had flashlights found in = them, so apparently no one stuck the flashlights up there so they could = read these magazines.=20 A microwave egg boiler, inserted by a man attempting to relieve his = intractable constipation.=20 A light bulb, which the embarrassed unfortunate said he inserted while = drunk. (It took suction-cup darts, mineral oil, and three catheters with = inflated balloons in order to remove it.)=20 More? How about...=20 a.. A shaving cream can b.. A frozen fish (with the dorsal fin extended). c.. A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup. d.. A pair of reading glasses. e.. A salami.=20 f.. A curling iron. g.. A Baseball h.. A frozen pig's tail.=20 i.. A kangaroo tumor.=20 j.. A whip handle.=20 -------------------------------------------------------------------------= ------- In Munich, when a man collapsed, his phone somehow ended up in him, = supposedly causing the redial button to become activated.=20 When his wife answered the call, she became worried because she heard = inexplicable gurgling sounds. She called the police, who investigated, = and were no doubt shocked to learn that this time they had a real = asshole on the phone!=20 -------------------------------------------------------------------------= ------- A "Darwin winner"-the Darwin Award is jocularly given to people who have = removed themselves from the gene pool in a spectacular way-a Georgia = attorney was showering with his cell phone.=20 He allegedly slipped on a tile, tripped against his dog, and sat on his = cell phone. The cover somehow opened, activating the phone, or so he = said.=20 Also in the hard-to-believe department, the phone supposedly rang three = times during the lengthy surgical procedure undertaken to remove the = phone. The doctors claimed that they were hysterical each time it = happened. And perhaps also a bit disappointed that they hadn't found an = answering machine up there as well.=20 -------------------------------------------------------------------------= ------- Another Darwin winner, this one in Thailand, was reported by the Japan = Times. It seems a horny thirteen-year-old was literally full of hot air = after practicing a dangerous but popular masturba-tory technique called = pumping.=20 The boy was in the habit of inserting a bicycle pump up his ass so the = air would give him a strong though ephemeral high. But this time, this = jerk used compressed air at a gas station.=20 When he exploded, "one woman thought she was watching a twilight = fireworks display and started clapping," according to the newspaper = report reprinted in "This Is True."=20 -------------------------------------------------------------------------= ------- Military supplies such as shells have also been found in the rear. For = example, one man lost a bullet up his ass when he used the shell to = insert the suppository.=20 But the most bizarre case in this area concerned an old World War II = veteran who had such bad hemorrhoids that they would get stuck in the = seam of his underpants.=20 To get them out of the way, he often pushed one particularly troublesome = and protuberant hemorrhoid back up with the artillery shell from an = antiaircraft gun.=20 On one occasion, however, the shell got stuck, necessitating a visit to = a surgical unit. The doctors were about to remove it when one of them = casually asked, "It is spent, isn't it?"=20 "Oh, no!" said the man. "There's enough ammo in that shell to blast a = Messerschmidt out of the sky."=20 They had to call in an army bomb squad - a "boob squad" would have been = more appropriate for him - who then carefully built a lead box around = his anus and defused the shell in situ before removing it.=20 The Jacana Humour List =20 To unsubscribe (or join) contact jacana@botsnet.bw He who laughs, lasts ;-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Humour =3D Sanity =3D Survival (-: (-: (-: (-: (-; ------=_NextPart_001_0152_01C7B355.91C90190 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
The=20 Photographer
(Thanx, GB)
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and = decided to use=20 a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father = was to=20 arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. = The man=20 should be here soon."
 
Half an hour later, just by chance, a = door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to = make a=20 sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come = to..."
 
"Oh, no=20 need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting=20 you."
 
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, = that's good.=20 Did you know babies are my specialty?"
 
"Well that's what my = husband=20 and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
 
After a = moment=20 she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
 
"Leave = everything=20 to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a = couple=20 on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really = spread=20 out there."
 
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it = didn't work=20 out for Harry and me!"
  
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can = guarantee=20 a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I = shoot=20 from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the=20 results."
 
"My, that's a lot!",  gasped Mrs.=20 Smith.
 
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his = time. I'd=20 love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be = disappointed with=20 that."
 
 
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith=20 quietly.
 
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled = out a=20 portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he=20 said.
 
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her=20 throat.
 
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - = when you=20 consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
 
"She = was=20 difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
 
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I = finally had to=20 take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding = around four=20 and five deep to get a good look"
 
"Four and five deep?" = said Mrs.=20 Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
 
"Yes", the = photographer=20 replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly=20 squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when = darkness =20 approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began = nibbling on=20 my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."
 
Mrs. Smith = leaned=20 forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,=20 uh...equipment?"
 
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're = ready,=20 I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right=20 away."
 
"Tripod?"
 
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use = a=20 tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand = very=20 long."
 
Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((>&l= t;~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~
 
Southern=20 Hospitality
 
Southerners can be so polite.
 
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are = cleared to=20 land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta = ATC.  =20 Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be=20 Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to = land=20 westbound on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC.  We = are=20 cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L.  Allah is Great. = "
Pause:=20 Static..
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go = ahead=20 Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR = THE SAME=20 RUNWAY!!!!!
WE COMING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.   WE ON A = COLLISION=20 COURSE.  INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
Atlanta ATC: Well bless your = hearts, and=20 praise Jesus.  Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for=20 us.
 
~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((>&l= t;~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~
 
The Three=20 Tortoises
 
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on = a picnic.=20 Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is = that the=20 picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there.=20
 
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.=20
 
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
 
"I didn't bring it" says Roy
 
"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He = turns to Andy,=20 "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.=20
 
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a = bottle opener.=20 Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they = will eat=20 all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their = tortoise=20 lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. =
 
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 = days pass=20 and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is = a=20 promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a = promise.=20 Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, = and just=20 as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and=20 shouts.....
 
"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!
 
~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((>&l= t;~~~<"((((((><~~~<"((((((><~~~
 
You have WHAT stuck=20 up?
from: http://www.agonys.com/facts/you_have_what_stuck.shtml=
 
Magazines, such as The Church Times, have been = retrieved from=20 the anus. These were not found in the three people who had flashlights = found in=20 them, so apparently no one stuck the flashlights up there so they could = read=20 these magazines.
 
A microwave egg boiler, inserted by a man attempting = to=20 relieve his intractable constipation.
 
A light bulb, which the embarrassed unfortunate said = he=20 inserted while drunk. (It took suction-cup darts, mineral oil, and three = catheters with inflated balloons in order to remove it.)
 
More? How about...
  • A shaving cream can
  • A frozen fish (with the dorsal fin extended).
  • A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup.
  • A pair of reading glasses.
  • A salami.
  • A curling iron.
  • A Baseball
  • A frozen pig's tail.
  • A kangaroo tumor.
  • A whip handle.
In Munich, when a man collapsed, his phone somehow = ended up in=20 him, supposedly causing the redial button to become activated. =
 
When his wife answered the call, she became worried = because=20 she heard inexplicable gurgling sounds. She called the police, who = investigated,=20 and were no doubt shocked to learn that this time they had a real = asshole on the=20 phone!
A "Darwin winner"=97the Darwin Award is jocularly = given to=20 people who have removed themselves from the gene pool in a spectacular = way=97a=20 Georgia attorney was showering with his cell phone.
 
He allegedly slipped on a tile, tripped against his = dog, and=20 sat on his cell phone. The cover somehow opened, activating the phone, = or so he=20 said.
 
Also in the hard-to-believe department, the phone = supposedly=20 rang three times during the lengthy surgical procedure undertaken to = remove the=20 phone. The doctors claimed that they were hysterical each time it = happened. And=20 perhaps also a bit disappointed that they hadn't found an answering = machine up=20 there as well.
Another Darwin winner, this one in Thailand, was = reported by=20 the Japan Times. It seems a horny thirteen-year-old was literally full = of hot=20 air after practicing a dangerous but popular masturba-tory technique = called=20 pumping.
 
The boy was in the habit of inserting a bicycle pump = up his=20 ass so the air would give him a strong though ephemeral high. But this = time,=20 this jerk used compressed air at a gas station.
 
When he exploded, "one woman thought she was = watching a=20 twilight fireworks display and started clapping," according to the = newspaper=20 report reprinted in "This Is True."
Military supplies such as shells have also been = found in the=20 rear. For example, one man lost a bullet up his ass when he used the = shell to=20 insert the suppository.
 
But the most bizarre case in this area concerned an = old World=20 War II veteran who had such bad hemorrhoids that they would get stuck in = the=20 seam of his underpants.
To get them out of the way, he often pushed one = particularly=20 troublesome and protuberant hemorrhoid back up with the artillery shell = from an=20 antiaircraft gun.
 
On one occasion, however, the shell got stuck, = necessitating a=20 visit to a surgical unit. The doctors were about to remove it when one = of them=20 casually asked, "It is spent, isn't it?"
 
"Oh, no!" said the man. "There's enough ammo in that = shell to=20 blast a Messerschmidt out of the sky."
 
They had to call in an army bomb squad =97 a "boob = squad" would=20 have been more appropriate for him =97 who then carefully built a lead = box around=20 his anus and defused the shell in situ before removing it. =
 
 
The Jacana Humour List 3D""   3D""
To=20 unsubscribe (or join) contact jacana@botsnet.bw
He who = laughs,=20 lasts
;-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Humour =3D Sanity =3D Survival (-: (-: = (-: (-:=20 (-;
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